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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from family wedding

493 replies

WinchmoreWoes · 10/08/2023 14:15

I have been creating a thread then changing my mind about what to include as I think I come over as a smug bitch but I am just going to go for it.

I want my issue to be seen in a wider context so apologies for length. I am very, very happily married for the last 7 years. I lived with him for 18 months before. He is a really nice man who comes from a lovely family. When he asked me to move in his dad told him not to ask me unless he was sure he wanted to marry me and he did. Life has been wonderful since. He is decent and transparent. I couldn’t be happier.

DH said that his parents were really pleased as his sister wasn’t married and this annoyed and upset them. When I asked her children to be my flower girls she did roll her eyes a bit but she has always been lovely to me. I just got impression weddings weren’t her thing.

Her youngest child had a condition when it was born and obviously that was worrying going through operations and then her partner had what seemed a very minor accident which escalated rapidly and he is self employed. She was offered redundancy as she was restructured at work. Everything went wrong for her and smoothly for us. She is now back on her feet.

My mother-in-law rocked up two weeks ago grinning like a cheshire cat berating DH for keeping SiL’s planned wedding a secret.

I was so upset he hadn’t shared it with me but he said she told him in confidence.

It got worse as I am not invited to share the day. It is a mid-day register office with parents, siblings and her best friend and his male cousin as witnesses.

Now apologies again for the length but while I am upset I concede it isn’t my business. This is my AIBU my husband doesn’t see the issue, he could see that I would be upset if it was a massive wedding like we had but this is just a register office with close family. Am I not close family?
It is genuinely the first time we have had a major disagreement. If my brother wanted to tell tell me something in confidence I would tell him not to unless he was happy for DH to know as well. My DH says a confidence is a confidence. He just doesn’t see that it’s a big deal that I haven’t been invited. He has asked me what I expect him to do to reconcile our differences but I actually can’t answer. I don’t know.

OP posts:
NoraBattysCurlers · 10/08/2023 18:09

You designed the title of the thread to be intentionally melodramatic - "Excluded from family wedding".

Your brother-in-law has two sisters. Both sisters are also going to the wedding without their husbands/long term partners.

CherryMaDeara · 10/08/2023 18:13

Mumuser124 · 10/08/2023 18:08

@CherryMaDeara

But that’s from your definition of what a wedding means to you. It clearly means something completely different to this couple. They want as little fuss as possible. I didn’t tell any body in the run up to my wedding because I found it completely ‘cringy’ that people may talk to me about it.

It’s fine not to tell anyone, I’m the same, prefer small weddings.

But to engineer a situation where OP is the only one who doesn’t know is shitty.

Do you think the groom’s brother’s wife didn’t even know why her husband has booked a flight to the UK? I doubt it.

It feels very deliberate and sly.

TregunaMekoides · 10/08/2023 18:15

CherryMaDeara · 10/08/2023 18:13

It’s fine not to tell anyone, I’m the same, prefer small weddings.

But to engineer a situation where OP is the only one who doesn’t know is shitty.

Do you think the groom’s brother’s wife didn’t even know why her husband has booked a flight to the UK? I doubt it.

It feels very deliberate and sly.

Show quote history

But she wasn't the only one who didn't know. It sounds like the siblings were the only ones who did for a while, then her mum found out and went chastising the DH.

toomuchlaundry · 10/08/2023 18:15

I wonder how many B&G who have larger weddings invite partners who they really don’t want there but feel they should, I wonder how many unwanted guests they end up with.

@CherryMaDeara can you not understand that some people just want a small no fuss wedding. They have treated OP the same as other same level partners, if she had been treated differently from those partners then I could understand her upset but in this instance I would accept with good grace their choice of wedding.

You never know there may be extenuating circumstances. I know some people have had small weddings as a close relative has had cancer and wouldn’t have been able to attend so didn’t want a big wedding so limited their guest list accordingly. Would you think they were shitty.

Mumuser124 · 10/08/2023 18:20

@CherryMaDeara

I actually think that is on OP’s husband. If I was in that situation I would tell my husband, (even if asked not to) because he is my husband and I would not keep secrets from him. I would also want to reassure him that SIL just wants as little fuss as possible, doesn’t wasn’t to talk about it and it isn’t personal in the slightest (even if it was, I assuming however, it isn’t).

SIL is not is relationship with the OP, she can ask for it to be kept quiet but ultimately it is OP’s husband that is responsible for whether he shares the information. I think in this case, it would cause far more trouble to keep it hush, so I really think he should have mention it to his wife.

Whyohwhywyoming · 10/08/2023 18:21

This is why I had to have no guests to my wedding. Me and DH are really private and hate fusses / events, I told him it’s impossible to have literally just the people you want there, because it causes hassle like this!

TheCrystalPalace · 10/08/2023 18:25

Your DH doesn't understand why you're upset. He doesn't need to - just to take on board that you ARE upset and there will be consequences.
I'm not suggesting that you will deliberately 'punish' anyone for this but the relationship between you and your ILs has been damaged.

slithytoveisascientist · 10/08/2023 18:30

What was the actual secret? Don't tell Winch or don't tell anyone?

Was it just to exclude you or was the whole wedding a secret until SIL wanted to share it?

The way it reads is that DH knew before even MIL, @WinchmoreWoes can you clarify?

Batalax · 10/08/2023 18:31

The confidence bit is a non issue. The fact you aren’t counted as family is a huge issue.

Shes not into weddings, that’s ok but it’s cruel to exclude you. If dh can’t understand that, then he’s a major issue too. It’s not the wedding itself, it just the realisation that they don’t care about you.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 10/08/2023 18:33

He has asked me what I expect him to do to reconcile our differences but I actually can’t answer.

Your DHs attitude stinks. His priority should now be you and your family together. So what can he do - no more secrets from you, anything he is told, you have been told. Ask his CF sister where she gets off excluding his wife - you are part of the immediate family now, and I cant believe your DH does not see that. They are both being ridiculous.

OhComeOnFFS · 10/08/2023 18:35

So she wants him to celebrate her wedding while at the same time she wants to exclude his wife from the celebrations for no reason at all? That's really horrible. I think he should have a very strong word with her.

If he's told something in confidence, he should keep that confidence, but really it's such a silly thing for her to expect him to keep private.

Blossomtoes · 10/08/2023 18:37

Atethehalloweenchocs · 10/08/2023 18:33

He has asked me what I expect him to do to reconcile our differences but I actually can’t answer.

Your DHs attitude stinks. His priority should now be you and your family together. So what can he do - no more secrets from you, anything he is told, you have been told. Ask his CF sister where she gets off excluding his wife - you are part of the immediate family now, and I cant believe your DH does not see that. They are both being ridiculous.

If my bloke insisted on knowing things I’d been told in confidence he’d be moving out. If you’re asked not to tell anyone that doesn’t mean you can tell your spouse. I’m genuinely shocked at how many people would betray a confidence just because they happen to be married.

AbsolutelyCreamCrackered · 10/08/2023 18:38

Your DH was put in a difficult position over the confidence. I’d let that one go.

Not being invited to the wedding as you’re not “blood”. Fine, there isn’t anything you can do about that. Your DH must absolutely go. I certainly wouldn’t be doing any wifey work as in buying cards, presents, ironing shirts etc. Let him do it. Not would I be lifting a finger for Sil from now on. Don’t be rude or off or anything, but if I’m not family enough to be invited with my DH, then I’m not family enough to make SIL Christmas dinner, Sunday lunch, presents for her family etc. etc.

saraclara · 10/08/2023 18:50

Atethehalloweenchocs · 10/08/2023 18:33

He has asked me what I expect him to do to reconcile our differences but I actually can’t answer.

Your DHs attitude stinks. His priority should now be you and your family together. So what can he do - no more secrets from you, anything he is told, you have been told. Ask his CF sister where she gets off excluding his wife - you are part of the immediate family now, and I cant believe your DH does not see that. They are both being ridiculous.

She's immediate family now? Well I hope OP sees her in-laws as immediate family too then. Like when she has a baby, she'll treat her MIL the same as her mum etc etc.

As for anything he's told, you're told. Well make sure that every one of your friends and his, as well as family, know that neither of you can keep anything confidential.

Original poster
WinchmoreWoes · 10/08/2023 18:52

I am astonished that the thread has taken on a life of its own.

Someone asked me to clarify a few things.

DH was told in confidence in order to change schedule. He was told not to tell anyone not just me.

People were always going to be told beforehand. It wouldn’t be a case of his going and not telling me.

I don’t know if she is taking her own children.

I really do love my SiL I don’t know why people assume I don’t. I wouldn’t be so upset if I didn’t like her.

No idea if in-laws know if I am excluded.

I never intended to be dramatic in my title.

OP posts:
Original poster
WinchmoreWoes · 10/08/2023 18:58

My DH can’t see why I am so upset as it’s such a small wedding. He has said that if it was a larger wedding involving other couples he would understand and challenge it.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 10/08/2023 19:01

He's right. It's a small wedding with blood relatives and her best friend. That's it. You're not being excluded - you're just not invited, like all the other partners.

xyz111 · 10/08/2023 19:02

WinchmoreWoes · 10/08/2023 18:58

My DH can’t see why I am so upset as it’s such a small wedding. He has said that if it was a larger wedding involving other couples he would understand and challenge it.

I agree, if it was only me not invited then I'd be upset. But if they're inviting no partners, then it's nothing personal to you. It's just what they have (weirdly) chosen to do. You just need to let it go.

Blossomtoes · 10/08/2023 19:02

Of course he’s right. Can you imagine the fallout if you were invited and the other siblings’ partners weren’t @WinchmoreWoes?

Sirzy · 10/08/2023 19:03

WinchmoreWoes · 10/08/2023 18:58

My DH can’t see why I am so upset as it’s such a small wedding. He has said that if it was a larger wedding involving other couples he would understand and challenge it.

Even more so after your update I agree with him.

you risk making it all about you and your feelings and that is what will cause rifts if your not careful

JudgeRudy · 10/08/2023 19:09

I get that you'd be disappointed you werent invited. I can even see you'd be a little peeved....but your reaction seems a bit OTT.
I'd guess they've just chosen to formalise their relationship. Illness/health problems tend to bring about this type of thinking.
You've not be singled out. I'd guess they are having a service in a room for say people. That's all they want, an intimate service.
You say you love your SIL. Do you really. When was the last time you and her did something together? I bet you don't really have much of an independent relationship with her or her fiancee. If you did, l think you'd be invited.

As for your OH keeping a secret...perfectly fine.

1967buglet · 10/08/2023 19:09

You SIL has had a rough time. Be happy for her. Let DH buy the gift and both of you sign the card of congratulations.

We were married in a registry office, our wedding was super tiny. We got some grumbles, but when we explained we really couldn’t at the time afford any more than that, people understood.

Hankunamatata · 10/08/2023 19:09

I don't get why your upset. They are no fuss, want a small wedding and have been through quite a bit

jannier · 10/08/2023 19:13

aloris · 10/08/2023 17:12

I think there are separate but related issues here. The first is discomfort when a family member is openly or hidden-ly hostile towards you. The issue there is whether their hostility will make family events uncomfortable (or unbearable) for you going forward. I have experienced enough things in my life that now I just feel, if someone has these oddly hostile behaviors, that is their issue, not my issue. I actually think some of these sorts of behaviors like your SIL is doing, probably go way back to explanations well before you arrived on the scene. Enjoy family events: her grumpiness is not your fault.

The second issue is whether this event is a harbinger of SIL attempting to ice you out of family events in future, either by drawing "boundaries" where you are not allowed to attend certain family events, or making them so uncomfortable for you that you dread such events and exclude yourself. Or by her scheduling more "secret" events that you aren't invited to. So I think that is where the main issue is. Her wedding itself, I guess, technically she gets to choose who she wants to invite, so I suppose I would give her that, with a bit of a private eyeroll. But the whole secrecy thing, that is where I would draw a line. She asked your husband to keep it a secret from you that an entire event was happening. And your husband agreed.

Now, there is somewhat of a fine line here. Sometimes it is legitimate to tell a family member something confidential and ask that it not be passed on to a spouse. But I don't think a whole-a$$ family event from which you are excluded, counts. (Also, was she planning to hide that she got married? Her whole plan seems poorly thought out. I'm just saying). Asking your dh to keep it a secret from you was not ok. Him agreeing to keep it a secret from you, was not ok. What is it going to be next? His mother's 70th birthday party? A weekend "family" vacation to which you are not invited? Will your husband be asked to pretend he went on a business trip when he was actually on vacation with his family? It's disrespectful towards you and it's invading the boundaries of your marriage.

It sounds like you are a warm person: you asked her children to be in your wedding, you worried about her sick child etc. And she is more reserved. Although it's wonderful to be warm-hearted, it's also ok to be reserved. However, it could also be that she has something against you. So I would say it's ok to protect yourself. You don't have to put yourself into positions where you give her opportunities to hurt or exclude you. You don't have to give her your resources (time, money, physical help) only to see her drop you cold when you need reciprocation.

You did see the post that no partners are invited didn't you? Why would it be a personal attack on op if she hasn't invited any partners?
The op had a big wedding with flower girls the sil isn't having this if it were a big wedding with partners, friends, godparents and the full works your post would make sense a half hour visit to a registry office with bride and groom's parents and siblings only no partners doesn't compare

jannier · 10/08/2023 19:16

whatsappdoc · 10/08/2023 17:32

I can't believe that it was a secret! So on the day DH just says I'm going out for a few hours, I'll get food while I'm out. Leaves the house in a suit and tie. Comes back drunk and says I can't tell you where i've been? And you're supposed to think that's normal? Are they going to hide wedding photos when you visit, never talk about it etc? I would be REALLY cross with sil and dh. It's ok to not be invited I suppose but to not be told it's happening and dh keeping it secret? No way! I'm hoping I've misread the op as it's totally bizarre!

Was food mentioned? They may all be going in jeans in their lunch hour some people do that and don't have anyone they know there just two witnesses....my friend told us Thursday he was getting married the next day they popped in on their regular trip to Tesco's and went to their regular weather spoons Friday lunch after all done to provide security over finances like pensions and reduce tax.