Excluded from family wedding

[WinchmoreWoes]

I have been creating a thread then changing my mind about what to include as I think I come over as a smug bitch but I am just going to go for it.

I want my issue to be seen in a wider context so apologies for length. I am very, very happily married for the last 7 years. I lived with him for 18 months before. He is a really nice man who comes from a lovely family. When he asked me to move in his dad told him not to ask me unless he was sure he wanted to marry me and he did. Life has been wonderful since. He is decent and transparent. I couldn’t be happier.

DH said that his parents were really pleased as his sister wasn’t married and this annoyed and upset them. When I asked her children to be my flower girls she did roll her eyes a bit but she has always been lovely to me. I just got impression weddings weren’t her thing.

Her youngest child had a condition when it was born and obviously that was worrying going through operations and then her partner had what seemed a very minor accident which escalated rapidly and he is self employed. She was offered redundancy as she was restructured at work. Everything went wrong for her and smoothly for us. She is now back on her feet.

My mother-in-law rocked up two weeks ago grinning like a cheshire cat berating DH for keeping SiL’s planned wedding a secret.

I was so upset he hadn’t shared it with me but he said she told him in confidence.

It got worse as I am not invited to share the day. It is a mid-day register office with parents, siblings and her best friend and his male cousin as witnesses.

Now apologies again for the length but while I am upset I concede it isn’t my business. This is my AIBU my husband doesn’t see the issue, he could see that I would be upset if it was a massive wedding like we had but this is just a register office with close family. Am I not close family?
It is genuinely the first time we have had a major disagreement. If my brother wanted to tell tell me something in confidence I would tell him not to unless he was happy for DH to know as well. My DH says a confidence is a confidence. He just doesn’t see that it’s a big deal that I haven’t been invited. He has asked me what I expect him to do to reconcile our differences but I actually can’t answer. I don’t know.

You're not being excluded - you're just not invited, like all the other partners.

That. Exclusion is personal and leaves you, and only you, out of something. That's not the case here. SIL and fiance, for their own personal reasons, have just gone for inviting the minimum number they can get away with. Not because they don't like their siblings' partners, but because they simply don't want a performance wedding. They just want to make it legal with minimum fuss.

Maybe one of them is really self conscious (I absolutely hated making my vows in front of people) or....well there are any number of reasons they feel this way. Everyone's different. A big splashy wedding isn't wrong, a tiny wedding with the minimum of attendees isn't wrong either. No-one is entitled to an invitation.

Yes, @Blossomtoes, I dont think it is healthy to keep secrets and I would expect to be told things because my partner and I are each others best support. The only secret I would promise to keep would be benign, like a surprise party for partner. And yes, @saraclara , spouses of siblings are part of the immediate family in my opinion. You can see it differently if you like. But I would expect to invite ILs if I was inviting family only.

It sounds exactly like that to me and if some of the responses on this thread are the type of entitlement and drama that the BiL/SiL wanted to avoid they were probably wise.

I completely understand why you feel hurt Op, but given it seems to be blood family only & her best friend, then I think you need to let it go (as hard / hurtful as it is).

There's nothing else you can do unless you want a major family fall out or disagreement with your DH (& it doesn't read like you want either).

Suck it up, wish them well and then move on from it. I wouldn't even ask your DH about it afterwards - act like it's never happened and let it go.

But they are limiting by numbers, it isn't necessarily immediate family as best friend and cousin are going, but they have reduced numbers by not inviting any partners, so not picking on OP personally.

It isn't a fancy wedding. Maybe SIL or the groom hate being the centre of attention, maybe with all that has gone on over the years, they may felt too much attention has been placed upon them and they just want a simple no fuss occasion. Why would anyone begrudge them that. Personally I prefer a no fuss wedding to a massive do. We had a small wedding, had some family but actually prioritised friends over extended family eg no aunts, uncles, cousins were invited. No-one seems to have had a hissy fit and still talk to us.

I don't think B&G are saying OP is not important to them what they are saying they want a simple no fuss wedding, and not wanting people talking about it for weeks ahead of the event either. So OP not knowing about it to start with but would be told nearer to the event.

So many posters are telling OP to act like a spoilt brat and pretty much say you are not my friend anymore! With all that has been thrown at them over the years I would just be happy they are getting married and wish them well

I think that my husband feels that keeping a confidence of his sister’s wouldn’t have an impact on me nor would he feel he needed support in this confidence.

He did know before his parents.

While I don’t think in-laws are the same as family I would invite them out of respect for the siblings whether married or not.

I am not asking to be treated differently from the male partners of brother-in-law’s sisters.

I don’t know why people are asking if I have children. I have three.

I don't blame you for feeling snubbed.

wouldn't say anything but would definitely take the hint and withdraw. Just be civil and polite when you see her, but don't pursue the relationship and don't do any favours, etc. or include her in your social outings, etc. She's put you in your place, I'm afraid.

Including "bride and groom's siblings' partners" would only add, what, 4-6 people to the guest list? To me that is such a negligable number that failing to do it is a deliberate and calculated exclusion. React accordingly.

So the secret wasn't about you

He also kept the secret from MIL hence her coming over both excited and chastising him

The lack of invite isn't about you

In the nicest possible way, the couple probably haven't given you a second thought. They are just planning the marriage ceremony they are comfortable with.

I really think you need to let this go and be happy for them.

Don't you get the feeling that if OP was invited she would then take issue with the kids not being invited? It's ok for the couple to draw the line wherever they want.

I think they (mostly) are too. But then I'm one of those rare mumsnetters who treated her much loved MIL as her mum (and she loved me too)

But so many OPs, threads and responses on this site justify treating one's in-laws with suspicion, and leaving the relationship up to their sons. And absolutely sidelining them when it comes to the arrival of babies.

But now the reverse has happened and an inlaw has sidelined (for what seems like a good reason, and along with equivalent partners) an actual mumsnetter, well that's AWFUL and SIL should be excluded from anything that OP arranges, in revenge.

I think a good rule in life is never care what other people do for their wedding. They’re really not that important for anyone apart from the bride and groom.

So had his mum berated him for keeping it from her, too?

Honestly, I'd behave exactly as he did, in his position. His SIL trusted him to be an ear while she tried to plan a marriage ceremony that was going to be a bit tricky. Presumably she sought his advice but didn't want it discussed elsewhere until she and her fiance decided how they were going to approach things.

He must be a good man and a good brother for her to have trusted him this way. And the same qualities make him a good husband.

I dont think it is healthy to keep secrets and I would expect to be told things because my partner and I are each others best support.

What your mutual support has to do with it I really don’t know. What it boils down to is that neither of you has any respect for other people’s confidences. I don’t imagine other people tell you much.

My issue isn't the lack of invite, although that may sting a little, when you sit back and look at the facts (other partners not invited) that's fair enough.

It feels a bit crappy not even inviting OP to the meal after the service but I don't think it's worth falling out over.

It's this secrecy thing that would bother me.

So my question is, the family members that are flying over - have they booked their flights, made arrangements etc? Because if they've confirmed their attendance and made arrangements, surely they've told their partners?

If all of this was in the very early stages of planning, then I don't think there's an issue with the SIL using DH to confide in. I don't agree that he has to automatically tell his wife everything, it's not unreasonable to expect your sibling to keep your secrets, if you're close.

But that wasn't the impression I got from the OP. I am completely prepared to hold my hands up and admit I misunderstood if that's the case - but it seemed as if the wedding prep has all been done, invitees confirmed. That feels a little bit more than confiding in a brother - it feels a lot more like planning an event behind someone's back. SIL must have realised that OP would have expected an invite, and that's not an unreasonable expectation. Having a reasonably close relationship, it therefore wouldn't be unreasonable to explain why she's not being invited - even if it's the husband who passes the message on.

Although DH wasn't allowed to tell anyone, who exactly knew? Did the other siblings' partners know? I think this would make a difference to me.

Normally I’d be in the “confidence is a confidence” camp.

The issue with this confidence though, is that it put a wedge between the OP and her DH. If the SIL had sworn her DB to secrecy about eg an affair, he would be right not to tell his wife. But this was an instruction not to tell her something that involved him. I think that’s different.

He dealt with it badly. He should have said he supported her choice but would feel uncomfortable not telling the OP if he himself was expected to attend the wedding.

While I don’t think in-laws are the same as family I would invite them out of respect for the siblings whether married or not.

And doubling the size of the wedding party and the amount of meals they have to pay for, for their small wedding?

Well DH and SIL's own parents didn't know, so...

Normally I am one of those people that say the bride and groom's rights trump everyone else's....but in your case very hurtful that you are not considered by her as close family. If this happened in my family my hubby would not go as he would be upset his family were not treating me as close family.

None of the partners are invited. If your bloke refused to go under those circumstances he’s a tit.

No, I realise that.

But surely siblings can't have been booking flights without telling their partners? That's the question really, isn't it?

While I don’t think in-laws are the same as family I would invite them out of respect for the siblings whether married or not.

What has 'respect for the siblings' got to do with it? It's her wedding, she wants the people around her who she's closest to and can be herself with on her happy day. It's not a day where she's beholden to show respect for siblings. They don't feel disrespected anyway. They love her and they get it. The other partners probably get it too. The OP needs to have enough self-respect to not feel threatened/insecure by someone not needing her presence.

We don’t know when the wedding is, or what conversations where has with regards to the overseas relative travelling over. Nor do we need to.

The bride told her own brother when she was ready to. She told her mother when she was ready too. The OP found out before the bride would have liked but it’s no big deal to anyone other than the OP who seems to believe everything her husband is ever told she should be too.

its a shame a simple small close family wedding is at risk of being spoilt by sulking extended family!

@saraclaraBut so many OPs, threads and responses on this site justify treating one's in-laws with suspicion, and leaving the relationship up to their sons. And absolutely sidelining them when it comes to the arrival of babies.

Yeah, dont agree with that either!!

@Blossomtoes - What it boils down to is that neither of you has any respect for other people’s confidences. I don’t imagine other people tell you much.

Quite the opposite actually, we are the people everyone confides in. With the clear understanding we support each other, so if you tell one of us/have the support of one of us, you have us both. Makes us the go to people to speak to in our circle. The complete opposite of lack of respect. Somewhat immature of you to see it as lack of respect, you sound like you are on the playground with keeping secrets.

No, it's a major etiquette faux pas to invite one half of a couple to a social event. Kids are optional but spouses/cohabiting partners at the very least should be included for social gatherings, particularly milestone events like a wedding.

The more I think about it, the more I think OP's husband should decline to attend. Not strop, just wish them well and say he has a family day planned.