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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from family wedding

493 replies

WinchmoreWoes · 10/08/2023 14:15

I have been creating a thread then changing my mind about what to include as I think I come over as a smug bitch but I am just going to go for it.

I want my issue to be seen in a wider context so apologies for length. I am very, very happily married for the last 7 years. I lived with him for 18 months before. He is a really nice man who comes from a lovely family. When he asked me to move in his dad told him not to ask me unless he was sure he wanted to marry me and he did. Life has been wonderful since. He is decent and transparent. I couldn’t be happier.

DH said that his parents were really pleased as his sister wasn’t married and this annoyed and upset them. When I asked her children to be my flower girls she did roll her eyes a bit but she has always been lovely to me. I just got impression weddings weren’t her thing.

Her youngest child had a condition when it was born and obviously that was worrying going through operations and then her partner had what seemed a very minor accident which escalated rapidly and he is self employed. She was offered redundancy as she was restructured at work. Everything went wrong for her and smoothly for us. She is now back on her feet.

My mother-in-law rocked up two weeks ago grinning like a cheshire cat berating DH for keeping SiL’s planned wedding a secret.

I was so upset he hadn’t shared it with me but he said she told him in confidence.

It got worse as I am not invited to share the day. It is a mid-day register office with parents, siblings and her best friend and his male cousin as witnesses.

Now apologies again for the length but while I am upset I concede it isn’t my business. This is my AIBU my husband doesn’t see the issue, he could see that I would be upset if it was a massive wedding like we had but this is just a register office with close family. Am I not close family?
It is genuinely the first time we have had a major disagreement. If my brother wanted to tell tell me something in confidence I would tell him not to unless he was happy for DH to know as well. My DH says a confidence is a confidence. He just doesn’t see that it’s a big deal that I haven’t been invited. He has asked me what I expect him to do to reconcile our differences but I actually can’t answer. I don’t know.

OP posts:
whatsappdoc · 10/08/2023 17:32

I can't believe that it was a secret! So on the day DH just says I'm going out for a few hours, I'll get food while I'm out. Leaves the house in a suit and tie. Comes back drunk and says I can't tell you where i've been? And you're supposed to think that's normal? Are they going to hide wedding photos when you visit, never talk about it etc? I would be REALLY cross with sil and dh. It's ok to not be invited I suppose but to not be told it's happening and dh keeping it secret? No way! I'm hoping I've misread the op as it's totally bizarre!

Maray1967 · 10/08/2023 17:33

winelove · 10/08/2023 15:51

If my sister told e something in confidence I would not tell my husband.
Happily married for 25 years here.

You need to let this go. Personally I would not be upset; my husband and I are not joined at the hip. Be happy for her, send her something nice in the post.

The present should be organised by the DH. As should any future gifts. I understand it’s a small wedding but I’m surprised that one half of married couples are invited. I’ve never heard of that.

saraclara · 10/08/2023 17:35

whatsappdoc · 10/08/2023 17:32

I can't believe that it was a secret! So on the day DH just says I'm going out for a few hours, I'll get food while I'm out. Leaves the house in a suit and tie. Comes back drunk and says I can't tell you where i've been? And you're supposed to think that's normal? Are they going to hide wedding photos when you visit, never talk about it etc? I would be REALLY cross with sil and dh. It's ok to not be invited I suppose but to not be told it's happening and dh keeping it secret? No way! I'm hoping I've misread the op as it's totally bizarre!

That's been no indication that it would remain a secret on and beyond the day of the ceremony. That would be pretty much impossible.

It sound much more as though SIL is wanting the run up to the day to be as low key as the day itself. She probably hasn't told friends and colleagues either.
When you want a tiny no fuss wedding, the last thing you want for weeks before, is everyone going in about it, and repercussions from those not invited.

Enforceddrysummer · 10/08/2023 17:39

A wedding, by law, has to be a public event. The bride or groom has no say in who attends. If half the street want to go along and watch the registrar has to allow it.
I organise weddings and I'll get, say, the bride, saying she doesn't want certain family members there. I have to tell her that absolutely anyone can come in to the ceremony and she has no choice in the matter if they come in and sit down. In fact I've had this happen.
Your DH's sister is being very precious and you'll have the last laugh if it's a wet day and the local unwashed come to the register office to dry off a bit!

Wintersgirl · 10/08/2023 17:45

You’re just someone who’s married her brother

Fucking hell, how charming...

Blossomtoes · 10/08/2023 17:46

Enforceddrysummer · 10/08/2023 17:39

A wedding, by law, has to be a public event. The bride or groom has no say in who attends. If half the street want to go along and watch the registrar has to allow it.
I organise weddings and I'll get, say, the bride, saying she doesn't want certain family members there. I have to tell her that absolutely anyone can come in to the ceremony and she has no choice in the matter if they come in and sit down. In fact I've had this happen.
Your DH's sister is being very precious and you'll have the last laugh if it's a wet day and the local unwashed come to the register office to dry off a bit!

I really don’t think that’s true. Some registry offices have rooms that only accommodate six or eight. Those couldn’t possibly be open to any Tom, Dick or Harry who fancies turning up.

CherryMaDeara · 10/08/2023 17:47

Sirzy · 10/08/2023 17:23

Only if people act like babies about not being invited.

we knew my uncle had got married when my Mum got a phone call from the pub inviting us to join them for a drink to celebrate. They had gone off just the two of them and had their wedding how they wanted. Nobody threw toys out of the pram they just congratulated them!

Show quote history

That’s entirely different.

backoffbuster · 10/08/2023 17:47

I think it is odd. Getting married and expecting people to celebrate that fact, but not acknowledging/including their own married partners is weird imo.

But I wouldn’t be upset about it. They clearly haven’t singled you out if the other siblings are not bringing their partners either.

DaaamnYoullDo · 10/08/2023 17:48

I wouldn't be upset about not being invited, especially as its not like you think you're close.

But your husband keeping this from you and letting you find out from someone else is bang out of order. You don't keep secrets from the person you're married to.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/08/2023 17:48

Sorry OP, a confidence is a confidence and this is your husband's sister. Marriages come and go, siblings are forever. Sorry to be blunt about that but it's true.

This is a small wedding and no other comparable relatives are being invited so you're not being snubbed. It doesn't mean that she doesn't like you, just that she isn't that close to you - and that's ok.

I applaud your husband for keeping his sister's confidence. Spouses shouldn't be privvy to other people's secrets. Take comfort from the fact that your confidences will also not be shared. That's gold!

CherryMaDeara · 10/08/2023 17:49

saraclara · 10/08/2023 17:35

That's been no indication that it would remain a secret on and beyond the day of the ceremony. That would be pretty much impossible.

It sound much more as though SIL is wanting the run up to the day to be as low key as the day itself. She probably hasn't told friends and colleagues either.
When you want a tiny no fuss wedding, the last thing you want for weeks before, is everyone going in about it, and repercussions from those not invited.

Show quote history

It doesn’t sound anything like that.

OP would have said if her DH had told her that was the plan.

Sil is a twat.

CherryMaDeara · 10/08/2023 17:49

saraclara · 10/08/2023 17:35

That's been no indication that it would remain a secret on and beyond the day of the ceremony. That would be pretty much impossible.

It sound much more as though SIL is wanting the run up to the day to be as low key as the day itself. She probably hasn't told friends and colleagues either.
When you want a tiny no fuss wedding, the last thing you want for weeks before, is everyone going in about it, and repercussions from those not invited.

Show quote history

It doesn’t sound anything like that.

OP would have said if her DH had told her that was the plan.

Sil is a twat.

toomuchlaundry · 10/08/2023 17:50

@Enforceddrysummer how does that work when a room is licensed for only a certain number of people?

toomuchlaundry · 10/08/2023 17:51

@CherryMaDeara why? Maybe the groom wants it done this way why blame SIL?

CherryMaDeara · 10/08/2023 17:51

Wintersgirl · 10/08/2023 17:45

You’re just someone who’s married her brother

Fucking hell, how charming...

It’s clearly what the SIL thinks though.

HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 10/08/2023 17:52

OP, do all the other siblings' spouses know? Or were you all kept in the dark? I think it would make a huge difference to me if I was the only one who wasn't told. (This actually happened to me, and it still stings after 10 years).

There is a huge difference between "I don't want anyone to know" and "I don't want WinchmoreWoes to know but everyone else is fine"

CherryMaDeara · 10/08/2023 17:52

toomuchlaundry · 10/08/2023 17:51

@CherryMaDeara why? Maybe the groom wants it done this way why blame SIL?

Then groom is a twat.

ihadamarveloustime · 10/08/2023 17:53

YANBU to be upset and have hurt feelings. it must sting after being part of her brother's life as a girlfriend/wife for roughly 10 years.

YABU to make a massive issue out of it, however, as it sounds like that's what she's after. Plan a nice treat for yourself that day with a good friend.

Maddy70 · 10/08/2023 17:57

DaaamnYoullDo · 10/08/2023 17:48

I wouldn't be upset about not being invited, especially as its not like you think you're close.

But your husband keeping this from you and letting you find out from someone else is bang out of order. You don't keep secrets from the person you're married to.

So you believe that you should share every confidence with your spouse?

Mumuser124 · 10/08/2023 17:58

@WinchmoreWoes

Im afraid to say I did the same as your SIL and these are my reasons why;

My husband and I had been together for a long while, we wanted to get married but honestly, just wanted it to be the two of us. Neither of us are ‘wedding sort of people’ and to be honest found the whole premise of declaring our love for each other in front of other people quite humiliating.

We were engaged for or 6 years because people were pressuring us to have a big wedding and it really was not what we both wanted. I finally put my foot down and declared our relationship and vows to each other were about us as a couple an nobody else. Cue my parents and siblings getting very upset., We then reluctantly envited parents and siblings… Cue the best friends getting upset, we then envited my best friend. We didn’t exclude anybody because we didn’t love them, it was simply because this was supposed to be about us as a couple and we got railroaded into inviting who we did.

If I wa having a family dinner,BBQ,Christmas et together, I would never exclude anybody but honestly, I found it quite entitled that people insisted they be invited to our wedding when we had made it clear that it made us both very uncomfortable and it’s something we just wanted to do between ourselves, it is after all our relationship.

Please don’t be upset OP it is not about how much they do or dont care about you, it’s about the fact that they want as little as fuss as possible but without causing family rifts. I am certain they would not have expected you to be as upset as you are. If my brother had told me his wife was very upset, I’d have reluctantly envited her too, as it was not to upset anybody.

Mumuser124 · 10/08/2023 17:59

*Invited

toomuchlaundry · 10/08/2023 18:01

@CherryMaDeara why do you think the OP is more important than the bride and groom?

CherryMaDeara · 10/08/2023 18:03

toomuchlaundry · 10/08/2023 18:01

@CherryMaDeara why do you think the OP is more important than the bride and groom?

I don't. But I do think excluding your brother's wife from your wedding AND telling your brother not to tell her you're getting married is a sign of a shitty, shitty person.

Enforceddrysummer · 10/08/2023 18:06

toomuchlaundry · 10/08/2023 17:50

@Enforceddrysummer how does that work when a room is licensed for only a certain number of people?

Obviously up to the maximum, but a wedding is a public event so if an unwanted relative turns up they are allowed to watch. My venue is licensed for 70 and it's not pleasant telling the happy couple that if Uncle Creep wants to observe, he cannot be prevented! I've been screamed at, but it's the law and I have to put up signs showing where the wedding ceremony is being held.

Mumuser124 · 10/08/2023 18:08

@CherryMaDeara

But that’s from your definition of what a wedding means to you. It clearly means something completely different to this couple. They want as little fuss as possible. I didn’t tell any body in the run up to my wedding because I found it completely ‘cringy’ that people may talk to me about it.

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