Excluded from family wedding

[WinchmoreWoes]

I have been creating a thread then changing my mind about what to include as I think I come over as a smug bitch but I am just going to go for it.

I want my issue to be seen in a wider context so apologies for length. I am very, very happily married for the last 7 years. I lived with him for 18 months before. He is a really nice man who comes from a lovely family. When he asked me to move in his dad told him not to ask me unless he was sure he wanted to marry me and he did. Life has been wonderful since. He is decent and transparent. I couldn’t be happier.

DH said that his parents were really pleased as his sister wasn’t married and this annoyed and upset them. When I asked her children to be my flower girls she did roll her eyes a bit but she has always been lovely to me. I just got impression weddings weren’t her thing.

Her youngest child had a condition when it was born and obviously that was worrying going through operations and then her partner had what seemed a very minor accident which escalated rapidly and he is self employed. She was offered redundancy as she was restructured at work. Everything went wrong for her and smoothly for us. She is now back on her feet.

My mother-in-law rocked up two weeks ago grinning like a cheshire cat berating DH for keeping SiL’s planned wedding a secret.

I was so upset he hadn’t shared it with me but he said she told him in confidence.

It got worse as I am not invited to share the day. It is a mid-day register office with parents, siblings and her best friend and his male cousin as witnesses.

Now apologies again for the length but while I am upset I concede it isn’t my business. This is my AIBU my husband doesn’t see the issue, he could see that I would be upset if it was a massive wedding like we had but this is just a register office with close family. Am I not close family?
It is genuinely the first time we have had a major disagreement. If my brother wanted to tell tell me something in confidence I would tell him not to unless he was happy for DH to know as well. My DH says a confidence is a confidence. He just doesn’t see that it’s a big deal that I haven’t been invited. He has asked me what I expect him to do to reconcile our differences but I actually can’t answer. I don’t know.

You ask "Am I not close family?" You may well be regarded as close family but not in the couples' 7 closest family members. Inviting you would, in fairness, probably mean inviting spouses/partners of other siblings and witnesses. Any wedding guest list has a cut-off point

It's not one extra person. It'd be three because the groom has siblings too, and their partners aren't invited either. If OP comes then he has to invite them. Bride and groom each have one extra. Her best friend and his cousin (presumably his best friend).

On this forum, if it's a mumsnetter getting married, she's told it's her wedding, her choice, and anyone in their family with an opinion can fuck off.
This bride and groom have chosen to only have parents, siblings, and a best friend each. It's their wedding, their choice.

I think this post from @EnidSpyton absolutely nails it for me.

It's a bit of a hurtful decision if there was room at the registry office but I think you could get over that as none of the other partners are going either. However, by deliberately telling DH not to tell you, it feels actually quite unpleasant and like a deliberate exclusion.

I don't even care if it's petty but I absolutely would be excluding her from any "close family" events in the future. By not including you, but more importantly, by instructing your DH that he can't tell his own wife about his sister's wedding....I think that is hard to get past. She'd be at arms length from now on. DH can go and see her on his own when he wants to. I really would be that hurt about the malicious secrecy and "you can't sit with us" vibe that she's given out.

I agree, excluding op AND telling her husband not to tell her feels very pointed. The brother who lives in Dubai, was he also expected not to tell his wife and just fly to the UK? I doubt it.

The more I think about it, the more I think the SIL is a prize bitch, especially after OP made her daughters flower girls at her own wedding.

Why bring a sexist argument into it?
Sil is behaving like a sulky child she's not excluded from a family wedding as such she like all the same ranking family has not been invited maybe money, maybe as she's already said her self she doesn't think SIl likes fussy weddings who knows but why should anyone be forced to invite someone to a wedding for fear of being cut off? If the op would cut SIl out of her life for this then she's really not worth having in her life.

I told a very good friend something hugely private once, the next time she saw me she said "well, I told DH and he says..."

Frriendship OVER. Cannot tolerate imbeciles like this.

OP you are not invited to a tiny wedding, tiny, for blood relatives only. She does not see weddings like you do.

YABU

@SpidersAreShitheads

I don't even care if it's petty but I absolutely would be excluding her from any "close family" events in the future. By not including you, but more importantly, by instructing your DH that he can't tell his own wife about his sister's wedding....I think that is hard to get past. She'd be at arms length from now on. DH can go and see her on his own when he wants to. I really would be that hurt about the malicious secrecy and "you can't sit with us" vibe that she's given out.

Totally agree, Spiders.

@SpidersAreShitheads there is nothing malicious about this. Bride has chosen the wedding SHE wants (and it seems she's also had to compromise on that too shut her mother up). She's asked DH not to mention it yet. Presumably she wants to choose her time so that the weeks up to the wedding aren't all about who isn't invited.

Some of the posts on this thread demonstrate why she was wise to do so. It's pathetic that people are telling OP to avoid her after this.
Poor woman. She wants the minimum fuss, that's all.

To be honest it sounds like SIl or oh knew op would strop and try to get an invite.

And if the OP is that petty then all it would do is highlight how right the SIL and BIL were to keep the wedding small!

I think there are separate but related issues here. The first is discomfort when a family member is openly or hidden-ly hostile towards you. The issue there is whether their hostility will make family events uncomfortable (or unbearable) for you going forward. I have experienced enough things in my life that now I just feel, if someone has these oddly hostile behaviors, that is their issue, not my issue. I actually think some of these sorts of behaviors like your SIL is doing, probably go way back to explanations well before you arrived on the scene. Enjoy family events: her grumpiness is not your fault.

The second issue is whether this event is a harbinger of SIL attempting to ice you out of family events in future, either by drawing "boundaries" where you are not allowed to attend certain family events, or making them so uncomfortable for you that you dread such events and exclude yourself. Or by her scheduling more "secret" events that you aren't invited to. So I think that is where the main issue is. Her wedding itself, I guess, technically she gets to choose who she wants to invite, so I suppose I would give her that, with a bit of a private eyeroll. But the whole secrecy thing, that is where I would draw a line. She asked your husband to keep it a secret from you that an entire event was happening. And your husband agreed.

Now, there is somewhat of a fine line here. Sometimes it is legitimate to tell a family member something confidential and ask that it not be passed on to a spouse. But I don't think a whole-a$$ family event from which you are excluded, counts. (Also, was she planning to hide that she got married? Her whole plan seems poorly thought out. I'm just saying). Asking your dh to keep it a secret from you was not ok. Him agreeing to keep it a secret from you, was not ok. What is it going to be next? His mother's 70th birthday party? A weekend "family" vacation to which you are not invited? Will your husband be asked to pretend he went on a business trip when he was actually on vacation with his family? It's disrespectful towards you and it's invading the boundaries of your marriage.

It sounds like you are a warm person: you asked her children to be in your wedding, you worried about her sick child etc. And she is more reserved. Although it's wonderful to be warm-hearted, it's also ok to be reserved. However, it could also be that she has something against you. So I would say it's ok to protect yourself. You don't have to put yourself into positions where you give her opportunities to hurt or exclude you. You don't have to give her your resources (time, money, physical help) only to see her drop you cold when you need reciprocation.

You really don’t know that SIL wanted OP to know later.

DH hasn’t said to OP, from OP’s posts.

Nope, because SIL has set the terms in how she wants the relationship with OP to proceed.

You reap what you sow.

I cannot imagine making someone's wedding choices so much about me to the extent that I cold shoulder them for family events! The more I read threads like this the more I realise how laid back I must be. Or maybe it's being understanding of other people's thought processes. I don't know, it just seems crazily self centered to behave like that. Someone else's wedding is nothing to do with me. And really crappy to the DH as well who is clearly very close to his sister and it will put him in a horrible position for future events that SIL would suddenly be excluded from.

The only exception would if it were deliberately to be unkind to me - in which case I'd just calmly make sure I had as little contact as possible.

Or because they are daring to have the wedding they want not feel pressured by someone sulking to invite them!

@aloris

The second issue is whether this event is a harbinger of SIL attempting to ice you out of family events in future, either by drawing "boundaries" where you are not allowed to attend certain family events, or making them so uncomfortable for you that you dread such events and exclude yourself. Or by her scheduling more "secret" events that you aren't invited to. So I think that is where the main issue is. Her wedding itself, I guess, technically she gets to choose who she wants to invite, so I suppose I would give her that, with a bit of a private eyeroll. But the whole secrecy thing, that is where I would draw a line. She asked your husband to keep it a secret from you that an entire event was happening. And your husband agreed.

Exactly.

SIL is a sly one, creating discord between OP and her DH.

I think this is the start, and OP would be wise to keep her distance and not get caught up in SIL’s drama.

It doesn't sound like you're particularly close with her, are you?

If not then let it go. Bigger things to be upset over.

Well they have it. But I think they’ll regret it in the long run.

Only if people act like babies about not being invited.

we knew my uncle had got married when my Mum got a phone call from the pub inviting us to join them for a drink to celebrate. They had gone off just the two of them and had their wedding how they wanted. Nobody threw toys out of the pram they just congratulated them!

Perhaps she didn’t want OP knowing because she knew exactly what the outcome would be and OP has proved her right by taking it so personally.

Id expect DP to keep a confidence if he was asked to, and no partners have been invited to the wedding have they, just blood family and witnesses? If thats the case you havent been singled out, and although you d obviously love to be there I really wouldnt be taking it so personally

No she hasn't. She's set the terms for her marriage ceremony. And she and her fiance are treating all their siblings' partners equally.

And as mumsnetters are fond of saying when it's a mumsnetter's wedding, " your wedding, your choice"

I understand what you're saying but honestly just don't agree.

By making it into a big secret, it's more dramatic and becomes an issue.

When the plans were announced, it would have become clear that it's been in secret discussions for some while - ie/family flying over, the meal arranged, DH has set the time aside etc etc. So it would have been obvious that everything had been arranged in secret.

There's just no way that isn't hurtful - especially when the two families were close enough for her DC to be OP's flower girls.

I think it's far less hurtful to say "OP, just so you know we're only having blood relatives, no partners, due to size/budget restrictions. None of the other partners are coming either, and I didn't want you to feel left out so I wanted to tell you right away."

At the very absolute least the bride should have allowed the OP's DH to explain. I can see how it would be a bit hurtful but as the OP says, none of the other partners are going either so OK. It's the secrecy and making plans without OP being allowed to know. That is what has created the drama and suddenly made it into a big deal.

The fact she's having just a tiny registry office wedding and meal isn't an issue. The secrecy is the hurtful part.

He's right - a confidence is a confidence until its made public by the couple.

Its not that rare for established couples to just want to do the "legal bit" either for relocation needs or the legal protections it brings in some circumstances.

I'm not clear from your post which of these is upsetting you but if they wanted minimum of fuss with parents and siblings only then they are entitled to do that just as you were entitled to have wider family at yours.