Excluded from family wedding

[WinchmoreWoes]

I have been creating a thread then changing my mind about what to include as I think I come over as a smug bitch but I am just going to go for it.

I want my issue to be seen in a wider context so apologies for length. I am very, very happily married for the last 7 years. I lived with him for 18 months before. He is a really nice man who comes from a lovely family. When he asked me to move in his dad told him not to ask me unless he was sure he wanted to marry me and he did. Life has been wonderful since. He is decent and transparent. I couldn’t be happier.

DH said that his parents were really pleased as his sister wasn’t married and this annoyed and upset them. When I asked her children to be my flower girls she did roll her eyes a bit but she has always been lovely to me. I just got impression weddings weren’t her thing.

Her youngest child had a condition when it was born and obviously that was worrying going through operations and then her partner had what seemed a very minor accident which escalated rapidly and he is self employed. She was offered redundancy as she was restructured at work. Everything went wrong for her and smoothly for us. She is now back on her feet.

My mother-in-law rocked up two weeks ago grinning like a cheshire cat berating DH for keeping SiL’s planned wedding a secret.

I was so upset he hadn’t shared it with me but he said she told him in confidence.

It got worse as I am not invited to share the day. It is a mid-day register office with parents, siblings and her best friend and his male cousin as witnesses.

Now apologies again for the length but while I am upset I concede it isn’t my business. This is my AIBU my husband doesn’t see the issue, he could see that I would be upset if it was a massive wedding like we had but this is just a register office with close family. Am I not close family?
It is genuinely the first time we have had a major disagreement. If my brother wanted to tell tell me something in confidence I would tell him not to unless he was happy for DH to know as well. My DH says a confidence is a confidence. He just doesn’t see that it’s a big deal that I haven’t been invited. He has asked me what I expect him to do to reconcile our differences but I actually can’t answer. I don’t know.

@GoodChat I assume many of them don't have many friends left by the time they have flounced after every perceived slight.

Example:

Mumsnetter has baby. Her mum and sister are around regularly, her MIL and SIL kept away for a week or two, or have their visits strictly limited.
The mumsnet chorus? " Of course that's okay. Your own mum and sister are different. You're closer to them"

A SIL who wants to get married with only your own parents and siblings present? "But partners are just as much family! How can she leave them out?"

Your issue is nothing like the op in your case you were excluded as others of similar status were invited in the op case all partners were not invited.

Your= her
Oops

Well done for doing what was right for you....don't let your SIl know or you will be a thread on here.

@WinchmoreWoes I just want to say that had I taken much of the advice on here to treat my SIL differently after she got married without inviting me, I'd have missed out on a really lovely relationship. My DH, her brother, died a few years ago, and the relationship that we had during his life meant that I have had wonderful support from her and a link to his family which is so important to me and my daughters.

That so many people would want to rob you of a relationship with a sister in law (who is always lovely to you) not just in the short term, but for the rest of your lives, is actually quite cruel of them.
She's done nothing wrong, and you will lose out as well as her, if you go full ice maiden on her.

But the limit on attendee numbers is artificial and self-imposed by the bride and groom. They could include OP, and they are actively choosing not to. That sends an unmistakable message.

She's nothing more to them than "brother's partner." A category, not an individual.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune and if they had invited one of the sibling’s partners how more pissed off would OP be?

The message it sends is that B&G want a very small non fussy wedding. If SIL’s parents weren’t so hung up on weddings they probably would have gone down the 2 witnesses route. Instead of OP being upset for herself maybe she should be sympathetic to SIL as she probably hasn’t had the wedding she wanted

Yes, limited to people she's known a long time, since birth in most cases. There's absolutely nothing wrong with categorising people as closest, close, less close etc. It doesn't mean OP is not an individual or not liked at all, but marrying someone's brother does not make them your best friend or unconditionally loved family. Bizarre to not understand that and take umbrage.

but marrying someone's brother does not make them your best friend or unconditionally loved family.

Thank you for making my point for me.

OP is not obliged to treat SIL warmly going forward, because their relation by marriage is tenuous at best. Politeness will suffice.

Why so extreme? There's a whole lotta land between best friend and politeness sufficing, with plenty of warmth to go around.

Because the OP asked "Am I not close family?" as that apparently was the cut-off for the guest list.

Unfortunately she's been handed her answer. SIL specifically asked that OP be excluded from the secret AND the wedding.

Actions speak louder than words.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune SIL didn't tell her mother either, how does that fit?

No. She asked that DH didn't tell anyone. Including ( and maybe especially) his own mother.

That's irrelevant to expecting OP's partners, living under the same roof, to keep a secret.

SIL has drawn boundaries, which is her prerogative. OP is free to draw boundaries that make sense to her, going forward.

It amazes me how people become so self obsessed when getting married.

Of course your wedding should be how you want, wear and eat what you want, but you should always be willing to make small compromises for those people in your life.

I sucked up 2 things at my wedding regarding other people. It made them happy, and didn’t interfere and had no effect on my 25 year marriage. The flip side would have been entering married life with people unhappy with me.

Being inflexible on your wedding only backfires on the B&G. Once the clock strikes 12, your wedding day is over, and no one needs to bite their lips any longer.

Some B&Gs come across as petulant, spoilt children. Your SIL is miserable. A couple of extra people wouldn’t have killed her.

I’m amazed how many people get self obsessed over other people’s weddings and think it is all about them

How is it not relevant? Living under the same roof doesn't oblige someone to betray a confidence to their roof sharer.
That's bizarre thinking. I can't begin to find any logic to it.

Totally agree.

Your SIL is miserable. A couple of extra people wouldn’t have killed her.

It's not that a couple of extra people would've killed her, you could say that about anything. Going out for dinner with your best friends - have a couple of extra people, it wouldn't kill you. Having your parents over for lunch - have a couple of extra people, it wouldn't kill you. She wants specific people there, not a couple of extra people. That's the whole point of a very short invite list, that it's the minimum who you want there and not a couple of extra people.

what’s your definition of a partner when it comes to invites @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune, do they have to be married, lived together, been together more than 6 months or just met and snogged the night before the event

Living together.

But other people may have a different definition, are they wrong?

SIL has been exceptionally stupid to burn her bridges in this way, however well intentioned.

My policy has always been to never fuck about with marriages, births and deaths.

All other events are salvageable but these three are the big ticket items.

I’ve watched relationships implode due to these three, but my policy has been to put aside differences for these events and try not to cause offence, and it’s stood me in good stead.

SIL is clearly not very mature or just doesn’t give a shit, as shown by her eye rolling behaviour at her daughters being invited to being flower girls, instead of just a polite decline.

Burning bridges, imploding, never fuck about with... - all sounds exhausting! Not every family has such a high stakes high drama approach. Can't you just let people be who they are and not make a big deal out of these things?