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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from family wedding

493 replies

WinchmoreWoes · 10/08/2023 14:15

I have been creating a thread then changing my mind about what to include as I think I come over as a smug bitch but I am just going to go for it.

I want my issue to be seen in a wider context so apologies for length. I am very, very happily married for the last 7 years. I lived with him for 18 months before. He is a really nice man who comes from a lovely family. When he asked me to move in his dad told him not to ask me unless he was sure he wanted to marry me and he did. Life has been wonderful since. He is decent and transparent. I couldn’t be happier.

DH said that his parents were really pleased as his sister wasn’t married and this annoyed and upset them. When I asked her children to be my flower girls she did roll her eyes a bit but she has always been lovely to me. I just got impression weddings weren’t her thing.

Her youngest child had a condition when it was born and obviously that was worrying going through operations and then her partner had what seemed a very minor accident which escalated rapidly and he is self employed. She was offered redundancy as she was restructured at work. Everything went wrong for her and smoothly for us. She is now back on her feet.

My mother-in-law rocked up two weeks ago grinning like a cheshire cat berating DH for keeping SiL’s planned wedding a secret.

I was so upset he hadn’t shared it with me but he said she told him in confidence.

It got worse as I am not invited to share the day. It is a mid-day register office with parents, siblings and her best friend and his male cousin as witnesses.

Now apologies again for the length but while I am upset I concede it isn’t my business. This is my AIBU my husband doesn’t see the issue, he could see that I would be upset if it was a massive wedding like we had but this is just a register office with close family. Am I not close family?
It is genuinely the first time we have had a major disagreement. If my brother wanted to tell tell me something in confidence I would tell him not to unless he was happy for DH to know as well. My DH says a confidence is a confidence. He just doesn’t see that it’s a big deal that I haven’t been invited. He has asked me what I expect him to do to reconcile our differences but I actually can’t answer. I don’t know.

OP posts:
saraclara · 11/08/2023 10:06

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/08/2023 09:35

It would be 3 or 4 more people at most.

Show quote history

If you're inviting 50, three or four extra isn't many. If you're inviting 8 (including the two witnesses) three or four more is half as many again. And too many for this bride and groom.

saraclara · 11/08/2023 10:08

Pinkdelight3 · 11/08/2023 09:52

It’s sly and underhand. damn sure where her brother’s loyalties lie by expecting him to collude in excluding his wife. It’s sly and underhand

This is so melodramatic, as if it's Alexis Colby scheming or something. She just wants her very closest humans at her wedding, and not an 'extra three or four' because why should she. And this fantasised rivalry around who the DH is loyal to - heavens! She just wanted to keep it quiet a while. It's not a big deal. It's her day and she can have it her way without this needless offence-taking.

You're so right.
Seriously, SO many people on this thread want to wind OP up And make more of this than it is. And of course they won't be the ones living with the consequences of their 'advice'.

Blossomtoes · 11/08/2023 10:11

saraclara · 11/08/2023 10:08

You're so right.
Seriously, SO many people on this thread want to wind OP up And make more of this than it is. And of course they won't be the ones living with the consequences of their 'advice'.

Show quote history

That’s every other MN thread. This place must hold the record for the number of destroyed marriages. It seems to be littered with bitter, miserable women who want everyone else to be the same as them.

Zhougzhoug · 11/08/2023 10:15

This is exactly why I haven't told anyone at all that DP is now technically DH. We did it on the way to the supermarket in jeans and trainers with two random mates who worked close to the registry office as witnesses. I didn't even invite my mum because then I'd have had to invite my dad and his mean girlfriend and DP/H's parents and then there would have been some drama if we hadn't also invited his sister and her weird racist husband. People missed nothing. It was a legal requirement. If we could have done it online we would have done.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 11/08/2023 10:20

saraclara · 11/08/2023 07:22

@AnObserverInThisDarkWorld stop being sensible. This is mumsnet. This situation has to be spun into a drama where the in laws hate incomers and the man is wrong.

SIL wanting the simplest of weddings, consulting her brother and asking him to keep it to himself for now, is much too straightforward a scenario for this place.

You're right. I'd forgotten where this was

ILs are all evil and all men only want women to be scullery maids and nurses

C8H10N4O2 · 11/08/2023 10:21

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/08/2023 22:37

No, the message that SIL is sending is what would be important to me. Message received, loud and clear!

Its not about you. Its not about the SIL either.

You are projecting your own wishes, values and social expectations of a wedding on someone you don't know.

There are a good number of reasons why a couple might want a very simple, low fuss minimalist wedding and they are entitled to do that. If you, the OP or any other poster chooses to make it all about you as a personal slight - well that says a lot more about you than the couple marrying.

Your reaction and all those taking someone else's wedding as an opportunity to be affronted are exactly why one of my cousins went abroad to get married and only told the general family on their return.

They had very good and personal reasons for wanting exactly what the SiL planning. However the hissy entitled fits from one side of the family insisting that they should be invited, it wasn't a "proper" wedding, making it all about them resulted in scrapping ideas of a small wedding and they went alone to do it abroad. They should have been able to have that small wedding with just siblings and the groom's parents without a load of judgemental crap to add to their difficulties.

Curtains70 · 11/08/2023 10:23

People are so dramatic about other people's weddings. It's not a big deal, let it go.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/08/2023 10:35

f you're inviting 50, three or four extra isn't many. If you're inviting 8 (including the two witnesses) three or four more is half as many again. And too many for this bride and groom.

Ok, but if i learned that I was one of the "too many," I'd definitely factor that in to any future relationship with SIL and her husband. If I am "too many" for them, they can expect to hold the same status in my life.

Not acrimonious, but cool and polite.

saraclara · 11/08/2023 10:40

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/08/2023 10:35

f you're inviting 50, three or four extra isn't many. If you're inviting 8 (including the two witnesses) three or four more is half as many again. And too many for this bride and groom.

Ok, but if i learned that I was one of the "too many," I'd definitely factor that in to any future relationship with SIL and her husband. If I am "too many" for them, they can expect to hold the same status in my life.

Not acrimonious, but cool and polite.

If you're that inconsiderate of their needs and wants for their own marriage, I'm sure they won't be broken hearted that you keep your distance.
Hopefully the other siblings' partners will be a bit more understanding.

toomuchlaundry · 11/08/2023 10:48

Having looked at the OP's opening post again it reads that the SIL's parents are very much of an opinion that a couple should be married and it's all about the marriage, so I assume it was SIL getting married for the legal bits, would just rather it was the 2 witnesses but felt they should invite parents and siblings to appease them, and would probably rather not have them there at all, so this is the minimum they can get away with and why they hadn't told parents and had only told OP's DH. So then didn't have mum and dad talking non-stop about the wedding.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/08/2023 10:48

The whole nonsense about "it's their special day" is no excuse whatsoever to ride roughshod over the feelings of family members.

toomuchlaundry · 11/08/2023 10:58

So why is it okay for OP to ride roughshod over B&G feelings @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune?

HonoriaLucastaDelagardie · 11/08/2023 10:58

The whole nonsense about "it's their special day" is no excuse whatsoever to ride roughshod over the feelings of family members.

But it's OK for family members to ride roughshod over the feelings of the bride and groom?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/08/2023 11:19

toomuchlaundry · 11/08/2023 10:58

So why is it okay for OP to ride roughshod over B&G feelings @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune?

Based on what she's said here, she's not.
No one is suggesting she protest or make a scene.

But the B&G have clearly sent a message. She'd be a mug to assume there's any significant relationship there, going forward.

saraclara · 11/08/2023 11:24

toomuchlaundry · 11/08/2023 10:48

Having looked at the OP's opening post again it reads that the SIL's parents are very much of an opinion that a couple should be married and it's all about the marriage, so I assume it was SIL getting married for the legal bits, would just rather it was the 2 witnesses but felt they should invite parents and siblings to appease them, and would probably rather not have them there at all, so this is the minimum they can get away with and why they hadn't told parents and had only told OP's DH. So then didn't have mum and dad talking non-stop about the wedding.

That's how I read it too. Especially as the bride's mother has only just found out.

Seriously, if someone isn't allowed to talk to her brother about how she can manage an event that she probably didn't even want in the first place, and ask him not to mention it to anyone, that's pretty poor. And if the only way that the bride can face doing this more publicly than she wants to is to only invite people who've known her for her entire life, that's entirely okay too.

If SIL had posted on mumsnet about how to handle this wedding, she'd have had loads of support saying that what she and her fiance want is entirely fine and their right

toomuchlaundry · 11/08/2023 11:27

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune but if OP is going to change her relationship with SIL over this she is riding roughshod over their feelings

saraclara · 11/08/2023 11:28

But the B&G have clearly sent a message.

The only message they've sent is that they want a tiny, low key, private wedding. And they've sent it to every sibling's partner. This is not personal. How many times does that need saying?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/08/2023 11:30

toomuchlaundry · 11/08/2023 11:27

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune but if OP is going to change her relationship with SIL over this she is riding roughshod over their feelings

No, she's not. Being polite while protecting one's own feelings is hardly "riding roughshod."

OP can be polite but private and distant, with greatly lowered expectations. SIL probably won't even notice.

saraclara · 11/08/2023 11:32

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/08/2023 11:30

No, she's not. Being polite while protecting one's own feelings is hardly "riding roughshod."

OP can be polite but private and distant, with greatly lowered expectations. SIL probably won't even notice.

Show quote history

What she'd be doing wouldn't be "protecting her feelings". It'd be punishing SIL for having the wedding she wants.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/08/2023 11:33

saraclara · 11/08/2023 11:28

But the B&G have clearly sent a message.

The only message they've sent is that they want a tiny, low key, private wedding. And they've sent it to every sibling's partner. This is not personal. How many times does that need saying?

It's really disingenuous to insist that the guest list is of no importance. It definitely sends a message about where people rank in B&G's esteem.

OP now knows she doesn't make the cut, as either a friend or relative.

saraclara · 11/08/2023 11:35

OP says that SIL has always been lovely to me.
Why on earth should she start being icy and remote to someone who's a) always been lovely to her, and b) seems to have had a raw deal in life

saraclara · 11/08/2023 11:39

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/08/2023 11:33

It's really disingenuous to insist that the guest list is of no importance. It definitely sends a message about where people rank in B&G's esteem.

OP now knows she doesn't make the cut, as either a friend or relative.

Show quote history

Every guest list has its line. SIL's is clear and logical. Just the people that she and her fiance have known from birth. Their parents and siblings. Plus a friend each for witnessing purposes (as immediate family can't do that).

They're not sending a message that no-one is important to them other than their parents and siblings, ffs.

Pinkdelight3 · 11/08/2023 11:40

It definitely sends a message about where people rank in B&G's esteem.

Um, yes, and her brother ranks higher in her esteem than her brother's wife. What's the shocker about that? It's not an affront. It's completely normal. I'll bet the OP ranks her parents/siblings higher in her esteem than her in-laws. It doesn't mean there's dislike going on or anything to get affronted about.

GoodChat · 11/08/2023 11:44

saraclara · 11/08/2023 11:35

OP says that SIL has always been lovely to me.
Why on earth should she start being icy and remote to someone who's a) always been lovely to her, and b) seems to have had a raw deal in life

Because people on this site always jump to NC over the slightest perceived slight.

I'd assume they're very lonely and bitter in real life.

Original poster
WinchmoreWoes · 11/08/2023 11:44

I am overwhelmed by all of the responses. I have not been able to read them all but I will of course later and try to answer any questions.

I have no idea if brother-in-law’s siblings were also sworn to secrecy or if their partners knew.

Thank you all. Totally happy as well with people disagreeing with me.

OP posts: