Excluded from family wedding

[WinchmoreWoes]

I have been creating a thread then changing my mind about what to include as I think I come over as a smug bitch but I am just going to go for it.

I want my issue to be seen in a wider context so apologies for length. I am very, very happily married for the last 7 years. I lived with him for 18 months before. He is a really nice man who comes from a lovely family. When he asked me to move in his dad told him not to ask me unless he was sure he wanted to marry me and he did. Life has been wonderful since. He is decent and transparent. I couldn’t be happier.

DH said that his parents were really pleased as his sister wasn’t married and this annoyed and upset them. When I asked her children to be my flower girls she did roll her eyes a bit but she has always been lovely to me. I just got impression weddings weren’t her thing.

Her youngest child had a condition when it was born and obviously that was worrying going through operations and then her partner had what seemed a very minor accident which escalated rapidly and he is self employed. She was offered redundancy as she was restructured at work. Everything went wrong for her and smoothly for us. She is now back on her feet.

My mother-in-law rocked up two weeks ago grinning like a cheshire cat berating DH for keeping SiL’s planned wedding a secret.

I was so upset he hadn’t shared it with me but he said she told him in confidence.

It got worse as I am not invited to share the day. It is a mid-day register office with parents, siblings and her best friend and his male cousin as witnesses.

Now apologies again for the length but while I am upset I concede it isn’t my business. This is my AIBU my husband doesn’t see the issue, he could see that I would be upset if it was a massive wedding like we had but this is just a register office with close family. Am I not close family?
It is genuinely the first time we have had a major disagreement. If my brother wanted to tell tell me something in confidence I would tell him not to unless he was happy for DH to know as well. My DH says a confidence is a confidence. He just doesn’t see that it’s a big deal that I haven’t been invited. He has asked me what I expect him to do to reconcile our differences but I actually can’t answer. I don’t know.

So you are the only partner not invited? If you are rude if not then the wedding is not about you

How is it even close to being the same??

A group of friends choosing to do something fun together and deliberately excluding a single person is mean and makes it very much about that one person.

2 people who have previously stated they don't like weddings and don't see marriage as important decide to get married with just their parents and siblings present, which happens to not include any siblings spouses. That is at least 3 people. This not about excluding any single person, it's not about being deliberately unkind to anyone, it's not about anyone other than the couple who are getting married.

You clearly haven't read OP's updates. She has answered several of your questions/clarified your misconceptions

No she isn't. Read the OP's posts.

Well, either the OP is the only partner who wasn’t told about this wedding, or the other partners were told to secretly shel out family money on flights to be at this wedding. Which IMO is worse.

Maybe they don’t have “family money”. It’s a very outdated concept.

It was my polite way of saying she is attention seeking

This isn’t about a small wedding. And neither is it about the DH keeping a confidence. It’s about the SIL making damn sure where her brother’s loyalties lie by expecting him to collude in excluding his wife. It’s sly and underhand.
damn sure where her brother’s loyalties lie by expecting him to collude in excluding his wife. It’s sly and underhand.

Well said. And the others certainly were informed in time to reserve flights and make other travel arrangements. Are they hiding it all from their spouse, including international travel plans?

The OP needs to ponder where excactly in her HUSBAND's pecking order she stands, because right now it's pretty clear that his sister can order him to drop everything to do her bidding.

and if the bride and groom are SO "not into weddings," why don't they just elope? Why do they need anyone by their side?

Well, OP has updated to say that eventually she would have been told. So that eliminates one very strange possibility of the sister expecting to keep the entire marriage a secret permanently. On the other hand, even if it was only being kept a secret for the sake of "scheduling" (whatever that means), it's still very strange. How was this going to work:
"Honey can you pick up the kids from school next Thursday? I have a meeting at work."
"No."
"Uh, any reason why not? I already checked with Barb and Mollie and no one else can pick up the kids."
"No. No reason. I just can't."

People can fall over themselves to justify someone asking a man to be involved in the planning of an entire family event and keeping it a secret from his wife, but in reality, it's weird and not exactly cool. There are "confidences" that are appropriate to keep, and there are those that aren't.

What an absolute fucking bin fire this thread is. 😂

I can't believe how many PP jumped to the strange idea that DH had been told "Hey bro, I'm getting married but you MUST NOT EVER TELL ANYONE INCLUDING OP" rather than what felt to me like the more logical case, that SIL had gone "Hey bro, DP and I are getting married. Keep X date free but keep it hush hush for now, we haven't told Mom yet, you know what she'll be like. We don't want a big fuss so we're going to tell people after the fact."

Maybe they made an exception for Sis abroad "You can tell your DH because you need to fly over but make sure he knows not to post online". Or maybe Sis abroad has the same idea about confidence that others on this thread have. Or maybe Sis abroad was told later too...

It's not excluding you OP, you're being over dramatic. Don't be as petty and childish as others are suggesting and cut SIL out of your life just because she wants a very small, intimate marriage.

Considering the health scares and SIL's attitude to weddings, it sounds a bit like SIL and DP decided that being married would be better for legal reasons (like inheritance and medical decisions) and don't want to make it a "wedding" because they don't believe in showy weddings and are just doing the legal bit.

I would say your brothers wife is immediate family in weddings.

I wasn't invited to my brothers wedding, but of course her sisters boyfriend was.. numbers blah blah. Thank god I married into a family that see the importance in their in-laws and view them as actual family.

Yanbu

So who will be looking after your dc? If this doesn’t impact you then obviously you are not needed, so you can go out with friedns that day. Tell Dh you will be out, now you know he’s got something on too but you’re sure he will work something out since he’s assured you his event isn’t relevant to you.

oh it is relevant? You’re keeping secrets but expecting me to cancel plans and be home as the unthanked unvalued childcare? Even Nannie’s and babysitters need to be booked you know; and you haven’t made any attempt to request my support, only told me it’s none of my business.

then you tell him how much on the outside it feels, and how it changes things in terms of how much you are willing to do for his family, especially his sister, so tell him to factor in when he is making commitments that I will choose where my energy and time goes and that includes your assumption that I’m available to take over parenting and free you up.

My mil planned a dinner out for just her children, we were traveling there for one of his siblings weddings so there wasn’t a lot of time. The wives were all like oh? So we just stay home and look after your children? And the dinner was changed to all adults.

@AnObserverInThisDarkWorld stop being sensible. This is mumsnet. This situation has to be spun into a drama where the in laws hate incomers and the man is wrong.

SIL wanting the simplest of weddings, consulting her brother and asking him to keep it to himself for now, is much too straightforward a scenario for this place.

@Codlingmoths well OP could be like that if she wants the wedding to be all about her

Well she hasn't invited her siblings partners either

Why are you taking it personally?

OP, what you are feeling, is what many of us have felt in the past. You married your DH, and when you married him, you also thought his family are now kind of your family, you are going to try and treat his mum and dad like you treat your own, his siblings can be like great friends, your in-laws DC are loved and cherished like your own siblings offspring. Many of us go into it like this. OK, it is not 100% like our own blood, but we have it in us to love loads of people. The more the merrier.

It all ticks along nicely, then something happens which stuns us, and we realise that actually it is all an act. They don't feel the same way about us. If we died tomorrow, or got divorced, they wouldn't really care either way. We aren't really family. As my MIL once told me, "the only problem with son's is you have to out up with whoever they are married to". What MIL didn't realise was that they only have to put up with one of us, whilst we have to out up will all of them, and there can be loads of them.

You seem a nice, kind, sensitive person, so this has affected you more than it would some. I've been in many tears over the years with my DH's family's indifference to me. It hurt very badly, especially when my own mum has gone. Now I don't care.

You need to have a long think about this. You need to decide if this is a one off, or there has been more. How much time are you spending on them? How much wife work are you doing?

As I have got older, mid 50's soon, I care less about what other people think. I have a few, self indulgent threads on here at the moment, because after many years of trying to make other people happy, thinking that they will like me, when they get to know me, and keeping the peace, I no longer care. I spend my time on me and mine. I don't waste it on others who do nothing for me.

No dramas, no nastiness, no comeback.....just take a step back and let your DH deal with his family.

Why are people treating this as a slight to OP?

If they have hit in with her before surely it is much more they don’t want a fuss wedding.

I bet they probably thought (with some of the issues that they have had in the past) that it might be a good idea to have the legal protection of a marriage. They might have initially thought let’s go to the registry office with best friend and cousin as witnesses. Then thought, parents might want to see us get married even if it is just the formality of a few words and signing a piece of paper, no other trappings, so let’s invite them and siblings. Won’t do partners as we don’t want to make a big thing about it, and they are all grown up and sensible and will be able to cope and understand our position and won’t have a toddler tantrum about it (or not!)

It would be 3 or 4 more people at most.

Well said, @AbsolutelyCreamCrackered

Just withdraw, OP, and let him deal with his family from now on. They've shown you how little you are valued; you are just "a spouse's partner," not a dear friend in your own right.

Yep I agree @AbsolutelyCreamCrackered - I would be ceasing any in laws wife work from today OP! and I certainly would not be taking SIL and her DH out for dinner to celebrate their marriage as some PP have suggested...

But 3 or 4 more people that they want. One cousin had been invited, are there other cousins currently having hissy fits? I’m sure they have other friends who haven’t been invited either.

They just want something very simple. OP has said she thinks SIL doesn’t really do weddings so surely she can understand that SIL wants a very basic small wedding. If she likes SIL why wouldn’t she be happy for SIL to have what she wants, especially when they have had some tough times.

It’s sly and underhand. damn sure where her brother’s loyalties lie by expecting him to collude in excluding his wife. It’s sly and underhand

This is so melodramatic, as if it's Alexis Colby scheming or something. She just wants her very closest humans at her wedding, and not an 'extra three or four' because why should she. And this fantasised rivalry around who the DH is loyal to - heavens! She just wanted to keep it quiet a while. It's not a big deal. It's her day and she can have it her way without this needless offence-taking.

There is no need for this to be a drama. It's not. There is no need to have a feud over it, or be Alexis Colby, who is FAB by the way.

This is like being in a toilet cubicle and someone who you thought was a really good mate, comes in and is talking with someone. That someone says "oh, you are out with Absolutely tonight. I didn't know you were good mates?" and she replies "nah, not really". You sit there confused and a bit hurt, because you thought you were good pals. There isn't anything you can do, because it is not a big deal. You just feel a dick for making yourself vulnerable in front of that person, for opening up in a friendship. You realise you thought more of the friendship than they do.

All you can do is walk back in the room, smile and be friendly and polite and downgrade the relationship on your priority list.