Excluded from family wedding

[WinchmoreWoes]

I have been creating a thread then changing my mind about what to include as I think I come over as a smug bitch but I am just going to go for it.

I want my issue to be seen in a wider context so apologies for length. I am very, very happily married for the last 7 years. I lived with him for 18 months before. He is a really nice man who comes from a lovely family. When he asked me to move in his dad told him not to ask me unless he was sure he wanted to marry me and he did. Life has been wonderful since. He is decent and transparent. I couldn’t be happier.

DH said that his parents were really pleased as his sister wasn’t married and this annoyed and upset them. When I asked her children to be my flower girls she did roll her eyes a bit but she has always been lovely to me. I just got impression weddings weren’t her thing.

Her youngest child had a condition when it was born and obviously that was worrying going through operations and then her partner had what seemed a very minor accident which escalated rapidly and he is self employed. She was offered redundancy as she was restructured at work. Everything went wrong for her and smoothly for us. She is now back on her feet.

My mother-in-law rocked up two weeks ago grinning like a cheshire cat berating DH for keeping SiL’s planned wedding a secret.

I was so upset he hadn’t shared it with me but he said she told him in confidence.

It got worse as I am not invited to share the day. It is a mid-day register office with parents, siblings and her best friend and his male cousin as witnesses.

Now apologies again for the length but while I am upset I concede it isn’t my business. This is my AIBU my husband doesn’t see the issue, he could see that I would be upset if it was a massive wedding like we had but this is just a register office with close family. Am I not close family?
It is genuinely the first time we have had a major disagreement. If my brother wanted to tell tell me something in confidence I would tell him not to unless he was happy for DH to know as well. My DH says a confidence is a confidence. He just doesn’t see that it’s a big deal that I haven’t been invited. He has asked me what I expect him to do to reconcile our differences but I actually can’t answer. I don’t know.

If one has to parse the costs to the point where four or five extra people are a budget-breaker, one should elope, frankly.

You cal, it secrets, I call it confidences. You may think you’re the go to people in your circle but somehow I doubt it. If I thought a friend would tell her spouse my business when I told her it was in confidence I wouldn’t tell her anything.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune DH declining the invite is the very definition of having a strop

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune why should they? Nobody's said the can't afford to pay. Just that they shouldn't have to pay or spend their wedding day with people they feel indifferent about

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune why do they have to elope, why is that better than not inviting the OP?

We don't even know that they're indifferent about OP. All we know is that, for whatever reason, they want the smallest possible, least fuss wedding ceremony.

As I said before, neither I nor my DH were invited to my SIL's register office wedding. They only had a best friend each there to be witnesses.
We didn't take it badly. We didn't think we came behind their friends in importance. We just recognised that they wanted the absolute minimum of participants, and inviting one family member would mean inviting them all.

It's pathetic / socially awkward not to invite siblings partners, so I'd feel sorry for your SIL, not angry or upset.

Given no partners are being invited, you're not being excluded. They have chosen to have a tiny ceremony, and no one outside the immediate family, except the witnesses have been invited. Whilst it might be a strange set up, it's not exclusionary to you specifically. They want to get married this way and it's not a reflection on your relationship with the family

@saraclara I agree, everyone should have the wedding they want but for the sake of 3 people, I can't comprehend the approach personally, then again I care about my SIL's and BIL. Marriage is a joining of family's and those relationships between us and our siblings have always been important to us. I realise not everyone is the same and family dynamics differ, but valuing marriage itself, I'd respect that spouses come as a package personally. I had to invite some to my wedding that i would rather not have but I didn't want the unnecessary snubbing and they weren't even close relations spouse's. For people who don't want fuss, this approach was always going to cause some fuss and unnecessary ill feelings whether they're aired or not. So far, the OP hasn't said a thing to sil or mil but it's damaging for the relationship moving forward and it's for no real reason? Just my opinion

Yes I think you're right @saraclara I didn't realise from the OP's posts that there was more than one sibling attending. Looks like it's the bride & groom's birth family only. Which is fair enough.

Re. the confidences thing - with good friends who are married, I always assume they'll share anything I say to them with their husbands. THat's why I am selective about what I say to my married friends. If I don't want their husband to know something I don't tell my friend.

So the OP's DH is a sound chap.

It's for a good reason. It's because it's the wedding they want.

Again, if OP was the only partner excluded, it would be different. But the cut off is very clear. It's not personal, it's parents, siblings and a friend each. What's to argue about? You wanted a different style wedding. So did I. But SIL and fiance want a wedding that they're comfortable with.

There's a real lack of empathy here for people who don't want to be the centre of attention, and who would have a miserable time if they were. You don't bring families together at the cost of the most important people.
They want to get the job done without that kind of social event. What you would want is meaningless. It's what they want and it's no reflection on how they feel about their siblings' partners.

OP said at the beginning that she didn’t think weddings were really SIL’s thing so I am not sure why she is surprised that they are having a small no fuss wedding

OK, but then they should be prepared for the ramifications of making it crystal clear that they are "indifferent" about the OPs and their other in-laws.

Indifference can run both ways...

Agree with what most have said as others partners/husbands/wives not invited either so you have to respect that they just want a low key registry service. Maybe one of them suffers with anxiety etc and just want to feel relaxed while they say their vows and it is just about them and not for show as so many do with so many people at their weddings they barely know. Is kinda weird though that long term partners etc not invited but you have to respect their wishes and stop thinking about it. Your husband sounds like a good man that can be trusted with a confidence as I cannot tell a family member anything or else she tells her husband, he tells his family, his friends who knows me so on and on until the original thing I said to family member is so twisted. Sad I cannot share confidences with this family member but they all love to gossip and cannot keep a confidence but yet she will come to me as knows I will not tell a soul. Do something nice that day for yourself and kids and send a nice card to your sister in law and do not let this spoil things as not about you at all but about how they feel.

I think the issue is not the fact your are not included as the other partners are not either, although it would have been kinder to invite you to the meal. To me the issue is asking your DH to not tell you which has caused a problem between you.
If she had told him about the wedding and asked him to explain to you that partners were not included that would be different.
Equally I think, while it is fine for him to attend, your DH should have refused to be involved in deceiving you
Agree with the poster who suggested you distance yourself as your SIL still considers you an "outsider"

Remind yourself it is not your wedding.
It is not all about you.
Your dh was right to keep a confidence,would you rather be could not be trusted?it shows he has integrity.
You've had your wedding,you've got a good life so why can you not be grateful and just accept that this is how they want to do their wedding ?
Let your dh go and be gracious about it and have a nice day out yourself.
Show the family you are not selfish.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune it's barely a wedding, it's a marriage ceremony and clearly not the social typical one, etiquette really doesn't apply here. Would you take issue with non standard clothing, lack of invitations, no wedding breakfast?

Derailing the thread slightly, I'm like this too. But so many people aren't!! Decent, honest people I really hold in high regard but then they say "Well of course I tell Antony. I'd never take your secret outside of my house but of course wives tell their husbands everything. It would be wrong not to!". The difference in what constitutes a confidence is like night and day. I can't comprehend it. Now I've realised this happens I've started to check with people first as to whether they share secrets with their OHs or not. I really really disagree with it, but fully accept it happens.

I disagree; of course social etiquette applies when a wedding is organized and family members are excluded. It's extremely gauche to invite only one half of a couple.

Bride can do as she pleases, but in OP's shoes I'd adjust my future relationship accordingly. Which is to say there wouldn't be much of one; I'd lead my life and let her lead hers, and any absolutely necessary interaction can be OP's husband's responsibility.

And you're questioning someone else's social etiquette?

Clearly superficial etiquette is more important you you than actual pepole are.

No, the message that SIL is sending is what would be important to me. Message received, loud and clear!

For some reason you seem determined to think the worst of the OP.

I'm trying to strike a balanced view here and see both sides. Tbh, it is a little unusual to exclude your sister/brother in law and the vast majority of people who get on well with their inlaws - as the OP clearly does - would be a surprised and probably a little hurt initially not to get an invite.

I'm saying that on reflection, I think that not getting an invite here is understandable, even if it's a bit unusual.

The SIL mentioning to her brother in confidence that she's going to marry her partner - lovely, no issues with keeping that quiet.

But arranging a full wedding, including arranging for siblings overseas to fly in and attend while still instructing the brother not to tell his wife? That's beyond "wanting a quiet wedding" and actually now feeling rather personal.

That's why I asked whether overseas siblings had booked their flights yet - because if they have, then very clearly other siblings told their partners. And that does make a very big difference.

Being told you're being excluded from a family event that 99% of people would have expected an invite to does warrant an explanation - and finding out that not only have you not been invited, but the whole family have been planning it behind your back....yes, that's hurtful. That's not even close to expecting to be told "everything" that her husband knows.

So again, yes, I think it makes a difference what stage they're at with the planning and why the questions are relevant.

I don't understand the vitriol being directed at OP.

This isn’t about a small wedding. And neither is it about the DH keeping a confidence. It’s about the SIL making damn sure where her brother’s loyalties lie by expecting him to collude in excluding his wife. It’s sly and underhand. At what point would the OP have been told if MIL hadn’t said something? Would the DH have had to lie about where he was going? Pretend that he was going out with a mate? Would they just have announced that SIL was married now and that everyone else, including the other excluded partner, knew but OP didn’t and they all planned this behind her back?

they’ve made their feelings about OP abundently clear, and I’m sorry to say it but the DH is on their side and not the OP’s. This isn’t about a small wedding. And neither is it about the DH keeping a confidence. It’s about the SIL making damn sure where her brother’s loyalties lie by expecting him to collude in excluding his wife. It’s sly and underhand. At what point would the OP have been told if MIL hadn’t said something? Would the DH have had to lie about where he was going? Pretend that he was going out with a mate? Would they just have announced that SIL was married now and that everyone else, including the other excluded partner, knew but OP didn’t and they all planned this behind her back?

they’ve made their feelings about OP abundently clear, and I’m sorry to say it but the DH is on their side and not the OP’s. This isn’t about a small wedding. And neither is it about the DH keeping a confidence. It’s about the SIL making damn sure where her brother’s loyalties lie by expecting him to collude in excluding his wife. It’s sly and underhand. At what point would the OP have been told if MIL hadn’t said something? Would the DH have had to lie about where he was going? Pretend that he was going out with a mate? Would they just have announced that SIL was married now and that everyone else, including the other excluded partner, knew but OP didn’t and they all planned this behind her back?

they’ve made their feelings about OP abundently clear, and I’m sorry to say it but the DH is on their side and not the OP’s.
This is like a group of close friends whispering behind someone’s back planning an event and deliberately excluding them. It’s unpleasant and I’d be adjusting my relationships accordingly.

Sorry that wasn’t meant to copy twice.

But how often do we see posts on here from OP’s who are part of a group of friends who then find out the whole group have planned a weekend away, a night out, and they’ve been excluded.

They get nothing but sympathy and are encouraged to distance themselves from the friendship.

How is this any different?

Did you mean to keep repeating yourself?