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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Me or DD being unreasonable?

139 replies

Shoebills · 10/08/2023 12:07

Sorry, didn't know how to word the title.

We have a dog and a puppy, but the puppy is kind of irrelevant here as this is about the older dog. We take it in turns to take older dog out for the second walk of the day, near the local park/fields. The main walk is always done by me on the weekdays (right now, the younger kids come with me and at the weekends we all go as a family).

She's 17 and her day is the Thursday, as I'm really busy that day with the younger ones. She refuses to do it in the daylight hours... will only go once the sun has gone in. I've told her that I don't feel comfortable with her going at night. She's 17 and I don't want her in fields or parks in darkness. Surely this isn't unreasonable? She is so "idc" about it, says she has more chance dying on the way to college (she drives) and that's when she will do it and if I'm not happy with that, someone else can do it earlier.

Would you just let her do it at that time? I spend the whole time worrying!

OP posts:
PatTesting · 10/08/2023 12:10

I would just let her do it and take some basic precautions. Being afraid to go out in the dark is not healthy and it’s not good to project your anxiety onto her.

CamelSilk · 10/08/2023 12:11

I think you're being unreasonable OP. It's her chore so she can decide when to do it, and she's right that getting in a car is statistically riskier.

Original poster
Shoebills · 10/08/2023 12:11

I just think fields and parks are one of the worst places you can go really. Fair enough along the street with some street lamps, but I always hear about rapes and things in parks during the night time hours.

OP posts:
Hufflepods · 10/08/2023 12:12

You don't let your 17 year old out once it is dark??
How do you cope in the winter months?

What difference is it if she's going out in general or with the dog?

YABU

Original poster
Shoebills · 10/08/2023 12:13

Of course she can go out in the dark, visit friends, go places... but to a field or park in the dark is a bit different imo

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 10/08/2023 12:15

She’s 17 not 7.

I was travelling by train to a completely different county at night aged 17.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 10/08/2023 12:19

She’s 17, you need to not mollycoddle her.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 10/08/2023 12:20

How does she walk the dog in the winter months?

Original poster
Shoebills · 10/08/2023 12:20

I wouldn't even walk in the middle of a field in the pitch black at my age! It's not that I think 17 is too young for it, I think it's just risky

OP posts:
mbosnz · 10/08/2023 12:21

How about negotiating some good ways to keep safe? Like a go time, a return time, knowing the route, or one of the track me apps being implemented? Common sense stuff. Also, making sure she has done a self defense course.

jeaux90 · 10/08/2023 12:21

I'm with you OP I wouldn't do it I wouldn't let my DD do it. It's not a reasonable risk.

OnlineExxxcitement · 10/08/2023 12:21

Yabu

OnlineExxxcitement · 10/08/2023 12:22

Out of interest what if she was a male?

BoohooWoohoo · 10/08/2023 12:24

She's 17- what are you going to do when she's 18, at uni and walking around at 2am in the morning ?

PatTesting · 10/08/2023 12:24

Shoebills · 10/08/2023 12:11

I just think fields and parks are one of the worst places you can go really. Fair enough along the street with some street lamps, but I always hear about rapes and things in parks during the night time hours.

Where do you hear about these rapes? Are they being regularly reported in your local media?

A lot of people have this impression based on nothing tangible that it’s unsafe to be anywhere alone outside, especially at night. Yes, of course things can happen, but it’s not nearly as frequent as people think.

Where I live, a woman had her phone snatched in a street near a local park. Before we knew it, all the social media pages were rife with gossip about how dozens of women had definitely been raped IN the park by a serial sex attacker.

Original poster
Shoebills · 10/08/2023 12:24

I think the risk is lower if she was male, I think we are silly to ignore that fact.

Tbf, she is always happy to have find a friend on her phone and tells me where she plans to go, but I don't think it's all that helpful, that won't prevent her being attacked really

OP posts:
Silvered · 10/08/2023 12:26

What do you plan to do when she leaves home? She's 17. You can't wrap her in cotton wool. Be careful that you aren't taking risk awareness and tipping it over into extreme risk aversion.

jeaux90 · 10/08/2023 12:26

BoohooWoohoo · 10/08/2023 12:24

She's 17- what are you going to do when she's 18, at uni and walking around at 2am in the morning ?

Well I'm sure the OP being sensible and aware about the risks to women and girls has already told her to only do this in a group.

Silvered · 10/08/2023 12:27

And what are the crime stats for the field/park where you live? If it's a known hotspot then fair enough. If it's not then YABU

pumpkin1212 · 10/08/2023 12:31

Just tell her to stick to walking on the streets and avoid the park. Where does she walk during the winter?

W0tnow · 10/08/2023 12:31

You aren’t being unreasonable. Neither is she I guess. I get it. My daughter was (mildly) assaulted the other day in circumstances you describe. I say mildly, but she was grabbed forcibly on the backside by a passing cyclist. Twice. He circled back. She had to call me to collect her as she was nervous. What can I do? She’s days away from 18. I don’t know what the answer is. Apart from be bold and shout aggressively and fight like a cornered cat. 🤷‍♀️. You’re not unreasonable to be worried.

Sandsational · 10/08/2023 12:31

You're thinking with your instincts not your logical brain OP, sometimes instincts are useful but in this case you need to remember that stranger rapes in parks make news but they are rare (much rarer than assaults by someone you know/after attending a social occasion), and she does things every day that put her at greater risk (including, as she points out, driving). It's not helpful or necessary to encourage women to be afraid to go out alone at night.

Wishimaywishimight · 10/08/2023 12:33

Is she a vampire? 😄

Sirzy · 10/08/2023 12:37

I get why you’re uncomfy but ultimately she is 17 and can make her own choice.

Busubaba · 10/08/2023 12:37

She's taking the dog out. If she didn't then what would you do?

If you're that worried but her an alarm.

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