Me or DD being unreasonable?

[Shoebills]

Sorry, didn't know how to word the title.

We have a dog and a puppy, but the puppy is kind of irrelevant here as this is about the older dog. We take it in turns to take older dog out for the second walk of the day, near the local park/fields. The main walk is always done by me on the weekdays (right now, the younger kids come with me and at the weekends we all go as a family).

She's 17 and her day is the Thursday, as I'm really busy that day with the younger ones. She refuses to do it in the daylight hours... will only go once the sun has gone in. I've told her that I don't feel comfortable with her going at night. She's 17 and I don't want her in fields or parks in darkness. Surely this isn't unreasonable? She is so "idc" about it, says she has more chance dying on the way to college (she drives) and that's when she will do it and if I'm not happy with that, someone else can do it earlier.

Would you just let her do it at that time? I spend the whole time worrying!

I go out at night alone all the time: still
wouldnt all the dog through the park and across the fields at midnight.

I travel to big global cities all the time and use the Subway and walk through busy streets at 2am. But you wouldn’t catch me alone in the pitch dark in the park or I the middle of a field at midnight😂

I understand why you are worried and I wouldn't do it myself. You might have to make a choice though. Do you want the dog walked by someone whose responsibility it isn't really to do so, as it works for them? Or do you want to make the time to do it yourself at a better time? Or pay a professional dog walker?

My father brought home a dog when I was in my teens (I never asked for one or anticipated one) and it was decided by my parents I would walk it each day. Not fair really.

My daughter's Park is 5 houses away from her house but she feels very nervous when she has to go out with her young lab in the early dark mornings and late nights on her own. I agree with you it's dodgy although as a family we probably listen to far too many crime podcasts tbf.

Yabu op.

YABU, if you’re that anxious about it I agree you should do it yourself. Or why can’t she just walk the dog on the street and not in a field/ park?

The responses you’re getting shows that there’ll be no slowing down of awful news items and stories for real crime shows.

Why not get her a rape alarm? Their primay use is to ward off an attacker, not, as many think, to summon help.

I was on a work course once about personal safety, delivered by a member of the police, and the advice was to get the alarm out and hold it in your hand ready if approaching somewhere like, say, a subway. This puts you in a resourceful state.

If attacked, pull the little lanyard and hold it up as near to the attacker's ear, so they are blasted with the incredibly loud noise it produces. This should freeze them, at least for a moment. Then you run away as fast as you can.

And probably, so does the attacker. In the opposite direction.

Also, may I ask, would the dog protect her?

Women on here just love to be contradictory.

If a thread was started about a news article where a 17yo girl was attacked in a field in the dark where she walks her dog every week, people would question why the mother was happy to let her go through a field in the dark.

It’s about risks and weighing them up and avoiding them. Should a young woman be able to walk at night through a field alone? Of course. Does it go against all advice given after Sarah Everard to not go into an unlit area with no people around? Yes it does.

op, I don’t think there is much you can do if that’s when she wants to do it. But it is risky and people are twats (and in usual MN fashion) for suggesting it’s overly anxious.

I’m sorry I didn’t read all the replies. I think taking a walk with a dog will be a little protection. At 17 she should be able to do the walk on her own.

You’re not being silly or unreasonable OP. Walking late at night in fields and parks is irresponsible, of course anyone should be able to go where they please but it’s not a risk I’d be happy with. Footpaths, busy roads etc with street lighting sure, not sure why anyone would feel comfortable walking alone in secluded areas.

I also think the age is irrelevant, the risk remains the same irrespective of 17, 32 or 50.

I think the real issue here is do you have the right to control what your daughter does...in this case no.
Are you privy to information she isn't? No
She's carried out her own risk assessment and has decided to go ahead. Just as she probably have unprotected sex at some stage or simply go to a lads house alone. Some people are just more or less risk averse.

I totally agree -too risky. I don't take my dog walking on my own in the park, fields or woods when it's getting dark and I definitely wouldn't let my daughter. Simply not a risk worth taking.

I can’t believe all the responses here. I’m late 30s. When we go for dinner locally, we all walk our one friend back home as a group, as she has to go past the local park and it’s pitch dark and scary. It’s just common sense. I travel for work to lots of places abroad and there’s lots of stuff I do by myself… but I would never go to a park by myself after dark. It’s sad but the way of the world. It’s not about treating your daughter younger than she is, it’s teaching her that yes she feels invincible, but how to take care of herself. Avoiding remote locations by herself after dark - definitely a major step!

I’d weigh up this risk as logically and objectively as you can.

Darkness doesn’t always mean more danger, and nor do parks.

Have a look at your local crime statistics and your local parks. Are they areas for drug dealing and crime? Are you inner city or village?

Sexual crimes to women are much more often by people they know, less often by strangers. Men, statistically are more at risk outside in the dark from attacks than women.

Then go through the route with your DD, it will be good to use this as a way to teach herself how to stay safe. This is generally sticking to well lit areas, safe routes, and picking up on danger.

I wouldn't like it OP. Walking on lit streets, fine - cutting over fields after dark? nope...no chance.

A man in his 40s was actually raped whilst walking in a secluded area local to me a few years ago. Statistically the risk may be low but it happens, why take an unnecessary risk?

Once winter gets here you won't have a choice, but why does she only wasn't too go in the dark?

Only reason I can think of it because she wants to avoid being seen to not picking up your did mess! I used to and still do hate picking up dog poo, the smell and the fact it's warm makes me want to vomit, I hated doing it when my mum wasn't able to walk HER dogs, and it's part of the reason I don't want one now as an adult.

Why does she have to go into a park /field? Why can't she walk the dog along the road.

Whose dog is it? Who wanted the dog? Does everyone in the family take a trun with dog chores?

When I was 17 I used to go for a nightly run at 11pm along a rural road. My mother hated it but I went anyways! Never had any issues.

I think your perceived risk here is different to your actual risk- probably due to the media. How many people do you personally know who have had car accidents? How many people do you personally know that have been attacked or raped in a park?

I'm not sure where you live, but a dog walk between 10.30pm-5am dog walk could be risky. As a 5.30am suburban runner, i can say it's pretty busy in my local parks that time with dog walkers.

I understand your worries, wanting to protect her etc. At 17, she needs to be able to assess her own risk comfort level and take precautions. She may well be walking through underpasses on her own, without a dog at 3am at uni next year.

Also, regarding risk, if there's a particular area you feel unsafe, report for the "streetsafe" app. There was an alleyway I regularly used during the dark and hated. Dark, cut off, often a man standing at the end leaning on a bike chicane on his phone, felt like he was possibly a drug dealer but cut off the alleyway. I reported it on the app. Within around 3 weeks there was new lighting, a cctv camera installed, bushes cut back, the gate chicane made wider and I've never seen the guy again though he was there months! No idea if it was my anonymous report, but eho knows!

I'd share your concerns and am surprised at some of the responses on here.
think I'd be wanting to know why she wants to go then. Is she using it as an excuse to be in the park after dark? If so, why? Who is she meeting up with? If it's not an excuse to be in the park after dark, why doesn't she want to be doing it in the daylight? Are there other people there then that she wants to avoid?
It might be that she just wants to exert her independent and challenge herself and feels safer doing that with a dog but I'd still be concerned.

I wouldn’t walk across our local parkland late at night, nor would I allow my DD to do so.

I think there's an important difference here between risk perception and actual risk assessment.

There is clearly a lot of women on this thread who read "dark" and "park" and decided this was too risky. And some for whom just "dark" made it too risky.

But, as none of us know OP's actual park and area, these are just gut responses to "you've been brought up with those views and haven't really questined them"; "your local park is pretty dodgy so you've extrapolated", "women just aren't safe at all".

I think it is a balance between women keeping themselves safe and not having to shut themselves away. Yes, sadly women do get raped by strangers, and sometimes even in parks in the dark. But as OP's daughter pointed out - the risk of a car accident is greater. And so is the risk of abuse by someone you know. Anyone remember what happened during lockdown? Random attacks by strangers went down and domestic abuse went up.

If it's a safe area, the park is open (so you can see ahead), and there's no particular reason to think you might be attacked other than a small possibility that is always going to be there regardless, then why not do this? Some women won't want to take any even small risk, and that's up to them and absolutely their choice. But this is an almost adult woman who needs to make her own risk assessment and unless there is a clear reason (other than "but it's the park in the dark") why not, I think she should be allowed to.

I prefer walking in the dark to a crowded park. I pick where and when I do it and I stay alert. I've never had an issue at night, but I've been flashed three times in the middle of the day.

@JudgeRudy her chores are her responsibility. Why do you think she wouldn't want to be seen with the dog? She loves taking him... but doesn't like the sun, hence she always joins for the long weekend walk with him, definitely wouldn't have to if she didn't want, as I've said and to the poster that says does she always take her car, what if she is drinking. She is 17 and isn't interested in going out with her friends drinking in the middle of the night. She is far more likely to be heading off to a 24 hour library, as that is more the type of person she is. Not all teens like that sort of thing

And the dog doesn't mind going at that time. As I say, I take the dog out for his main walk in the day. The second one is flexible and rotates each day through family members. The dog isn't one good for protection though, is small