Me or DD being unreasonable?

[Shoebills]

Sorry, didn't know how to word the title.

We have a dog and a puppy, but the puppy is kind of irrelevant here as this is about the older dog. We take it in turns to take older dog out for the second walk of the day, near the local park/fields. The main walk is always done by me on the weekdays (right now, the younger kids come with me and at the weekends we all go as a family).

She's 17 and her day is the Thursday, as I'm really busy that day with the younger ones. She refuses to do it in the daylight hours... will only go once the sun has gone in. I've told her that I don't feel comfortable with her going at night. She's 17 and I don't want her in fields or parks in darkness. Surely this isn't unreasonable? She is so "idc" about it, says she has more chance dying on the way to college (she drives) and that's when she will do it and if I'm not happy with that, someone else can do it earlier.

Would you just let her do it at that time? I spend the whole time worrying!

She may as well be a vampire she's grumpy and miserable when the sun is shining! She has fair skin and red hair which probably explains it but she is definitely in her element when the sun is down. I'm surprised so many disagree with me I must admit I was hoping coming here would confirm my worries and that I'm definitely being reasonable. I get worrying about everything isn't helpful but doing things that are risky, unnecessarily, seems stupid

Just so many overprotective parents on here.... no wonder the young are beset with unnecessary anxiety. We HAVE to be exposed to risk, so that we learn how to manage it. This is a great idea for the daughter to get some independence. In a year's time she'll be away from home and her parent will have no idea what she's up to, so this is all pretty tame.

I'll ask again 🙄

How does she walk the dog in the winter months? You know, when it's dark by 5pm.

If the dog's happy to go late, I don't see the issue.

She feels safe. She's got the dog, and right now there's still a good amount of light even at nighttime.

You’re being over-anxious about this. She’s 17. She doesn’t have to live in fear of tremendously unlikely threat just because you do.

I run after dark throughout the winter.

As her mum it is only natural to be cautious and over protective.

But you have to let them make their own decisions.

It's in the dark. It's in an isolated spot. She does it regularly on a fixed day and time? These all multiply risk factors by

Is she actually walking the dog at that hour or is she just saying she is and just meeting her friends somewhere with the dog at that time?

Also I was brought up in a rural place, think the worst thing I encountered in a field was a rogue cow! I do agree with other posters that she’ll soon be off and out in the world and maybe you should chat to her about her general streetwise safety stuff but really it sounds more like you need to work on your worry about her being out alone otherwise the next few years of her being a young adult could be torturous for you at home worrying.

The sort of crimes you are worried about a very rare, no more common than they used to be, and in fact males are far (far!) more likely to be attacked.

In a year she can do what she wants, so why don’t you encourage her to do this sensibly - take a phone, tell you when she goes and when she expects to be back.

YABU she is nearly an adult and it isn’t a high risk activity - and if you want her to walk the dog, then you have to accept her autonomy.

Also maybe stop reading so many tabloid crime stories - I know all mum’s worry but it appears to be making you over anxious.

She would be more harm with people she is in a relationship with than the big baddie hiding in the park waiting to pounce

She is 17, you need to let her grow up sometime

The risk factor in the first place is tiny..

How many attacks have there been in your area in,say, the last year?

When it's winter and 5pm, there's loads of people still out and about... people can still be coming home from school at that time! It's completely different to late nights, isolated in a field.

I'm fairly rural so perhaps a bit biased - what she's doing seems totally normal to me. If she's got find her friends on and is with a dog it seems less risky to me.

I think if it's her chore and she's doing it her way then YABU to try to dictate further how it's done, I sort of agree with her that if you're not happy with her doing it that way then you can sort it.

Isn't it statistically true that you're more likely to be attacked by someone you know?

Who are these men hanging around fields? I've only ever seen 2 in 25 years who I thought were probably dodgy and still had no actual problems. She might see another dog walker.

There is highly unlikely to be a potential attacker lurking round a dark field on the off chance a young woman walks past. As long as she is aware of surroundings, and alert to dangers, this isn't particularly dangerous.

Statistically, young men are actually more in danger of being attacked than women.

I do think you are overanxious but the danger of walking round at night is overegged in social media, so not surprising.

Why are you asking us then, do you want permission to control your child?

In the winter I run all the time in the dark on the lanes and through the fields, the same few routes at the same time of day.
I feel much, much safer there than I do by the roads. There are far fewer randoms to make you feel uncomfortable. The only people I see are other runners and dog walkers, usually the same people.

The odds of a stranger jumping out of a hedge are extremely small. The odds of a 'friend' being a problem are sadly much higher. As are the chances of accident.

You have to let her do the risk assessment, not teach her to be afraid.

@Shoebills . it is a common misconception that women are more likely to be attacked than men. The Office of National Statistics for the UK shows
'Younger adults were more likely to be victims of violent crimes than those in older age groups. This pattern was more pronounced for incidents where the perpetrator was a stranger or acquaintance compared with incidents of domestic violence.
Men were more likely to be victims of violent crime where the perpetrator was a stranger or acquaintance. However, women were more likely to be victims of domestic violence perpetrated by a partner or ex-partner, or other family member.'
https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/articles/thenatureofviolentcrimeinenglandandwales/yearendingmarch2018

I agree with you. I wouldn’t wander around a field after dark. I don’t think many women walk their dogs in isolated places in the dark tbh. Okay probably an overblown risk but it does feel creepy and risky, even if it isn’t, particularly

I don’t think you can insist on when she walks the dog though. I think you have to let her go - she’s practically an adult and needs to make her own risk assessments. And she’ll almost certainly be totally fine.

What sort of dog is it? If it’s something that might deter an attacker, this should reassure you.

I walk through forest at night alone with my dogs and don’t worry at all. God knows what my DDs did at uni, I worried about them but fortunately didn’t know! I think it’s natural to worry but important not to share too many worries with the young person learning independence, personally.

Why don't you tell us what you want us to say op

So it's not the daylight hours that's the problem, it's the time of night she's going? Does she go much earlier in the winter?

Get her some armband lights to wear when it’s dark (like what runners wear) but she should be able to choose the time that she takes the dog.

I agree with you - it’s unnecessary she could go earlier. Yes, attacks are extremely rare but they do unfortunately sometimes happen.