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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave the dc with DH both days this weekend?

312 replies

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 16:57

I’m feeling bad about it but I have had long standing plans at the theatre on Saturday with a friend and then Sunday it turns out a different friend is going to be visiting (lives about three hours away and not seen her for months!) as she is here next week for business and has asked if I fancy lunch and then a bit of shopping in a nearby city.

DH is not impressed. I can’t remember this every happening before - dc are 8 and 14 - DH is saying I need to decide what I want to do most because I can’t have both days.

Conversely he has had weekends away (not often but occasionally) since the dc were born and I’ve not ever had one! I won’t be away, just put Saturday afternoon and I suppose for several hours on Sunday but it will preclude me doing anything with him and dc.

AIBU to think it shouldn’t be that big a deal?

OP posts:
KeepingMySpreadsheetUpToDate · 09/08/2023 19:04

ffs. how easier would your life be if you left him and he had every other weekend?

Fundays12 · 09/08/2023 19:06

Your DH is being a dick. I thought you were going to say your kids were baby and toddlers but at 8 and 14 it's not hard to watch kids. Remind him he has been away before for the weekend and as he is there parent to he can enjoy them this weekend while you have the adult time he has had

monsteramunch · 09/08/2023 19:06

FlossOnTheMill · 09/08/2023 18:50

... my 8 year old crying if I go out and leave her with her dad.

Wow

And I agree with @MrsTerryPratchett :

He is actively using your child's distress to control you.

You need to wake up, @Teenytinyduckling . This is not about you having a few precious hours to do your own thing.

This is about a nasty, controlling man who doesn't care about his wife's well-being and, more importantly, is happy to use his children as pawns in a very abusive game where his selfish priorities top every other valid consideration.

What are your children learning as they witness all this? Do you really want them to grow up in this environment?

Well said.

OP, this is an accurate description of what's going on in your home.

This dynamic isn't just unfair on you, it's unhealthy for your children.

Mildoom · 09/08/2023 19:07

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 17:08

My issue is that when she cries he says ‘mummy has decided she wants to go out, not stay here.’
And then he doesn’t do anything to distract her, he just lets her hang onto me and I have to peel
her off.
Drives me crazy.
I will try and be more assertive! Rather than ask, I will tell.

This behaviour of your husband is manipulative and vile. How and why have you tolerated this?

You realise this she will grow up thinking this is how she should be treated too?

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 09/08/2023 19:08

Lammveg · 09/08/2023 17:04

Sounds like you're about to have a lovely weekend away. Book a hotel on Saturday night 😊

Oh this. Please do this. For you. 💕

TokyoSushi · 09/08/2023 19:09

Good grief, at 8 & 14 he needs to get a grip! It's not like they're two toddlers (and even then, still fine as a one off!)

devildeepbluesea · 09/08/2023 19:09

He really is a nasty piece of inadequate work isn’t he.

I’d be thinking very carefully about how else he shows his disrespect, and making plans to get the fuck away.

2catsandhappy · 09/08/2023 19:10

Tell him he needs more parenting practice!
He is a dad 100% of the time just like you are a mum 100%.
Have a lovely time(and switch off your phone)@Teenytinyduckling

SemperIdem · 09/08/2023 19:12

He’s a complete tosser, imo.

MsRosley · 09/08/2023 19:13

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 17:02

we are both off Friday so we will do something then which will be ok.

Thanks - he’s having a massive sulk about it and I struggle to know if that’s fair or not because now I feel guilty. It’s not helped by my 8 year old crying if I go out and leave her with her dad.

Wait till the kids are out of earshot and go fucking nuclear on him. Seriously. Why would you even tolerate this behaviour for an instant?

Toomuch2019 · 09/08/2023 19:17

I'd take this as a sign you need to take more whole weekends away. Honestly I can't believe he thinks it's acceptable to complain about this!

pinkyredrose · 09/08/2023 19:17

Wowsharona · 09/08/2023 17:24

If you can avoid it why would you want to saddle your partner with the kids for two days in a row?

Show quote history

The husbands here!

GameOverBoys · 09/08/2023 19:19

I couldn’t be in a relationship that is so suffocating you have to get permission to go out on a weekend without your older children. Especially as he has had full weekends away. This dick head would give me the ick.

Olika · 09/08/2023 19:25

DH needs to get on with it. They are his children too.

MangshorJhol · 09/08/2023 19:25

so you have been parents of two for just under a decade and he’s never had two kids together? I find that utterly mind boggling.

also find the 8 year old throwing a fit to be slightly strange.

I mean I cannot literally imagine a situation where DH would even raise an eyebrow but I have gone on actual work trips for over a week and he’s managed kids (and cats) without a complaint. I find the idea of an adult human being who is also a parent complaining about having to look after their own children so that their spouse can have a break deeply unattractive.

CuteCillian · 09/08/2023 19:26

Conversely he has had weekends away since the dc were born and I’ve not ever had one!

Just keep repeating this one fact to him.

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 09/08/2023 19:26

I bet he’ll create an Atmosphere to punish you when you come back, just in case you were thinking of doing it again.

BibbleandSqwauk · 09/08/2023 19:26

You can just imagine how much parenting he'd do if they actually split..full weekends EOW? no chance. Pathetic really.

Mamadothehump · 09/08/2023 19:27

MangshorJhol · 09/08/2023 19:25

so you have been parents of two for just under a decade and he’s never had two kids together? I find that utterly mind boggling.

also find the 8 year old throwing a fit to be slightly strange.

I mean I cannot literally imagine a situation where DH would even raise an eyebrow but I have gone on actual work trips for over a week and he’s managed kids (and cats) without a complaint. I find the idea of an adult human being who is also a parent complaining about having to look after their own children so that their spouse can have a break deeply unattractive.

100% this

Original poster
Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 19:27

He’s had them together in the evening sometimes and for the odd day, but not usually consecutive days like this.
Never bothers me if he’s going away for work / stay do / with his mates. No issue at all.

OP posts:
MangshorJhol · 09/08/2023 19:28

Also why are you guys apologising for working and having your DH step up to do some parenting??! Please don’t.
I do agree with PP that he sounds like a horrible controlling man.

nidgey · 09/08/2023 19:28

seriously OP, take the weekend off - tell your DH it's your turn for a weekend away, book into a hotel and have a lovely time. We can all crowdfund you for a room for the night. It sounds so stressful to be dealing with that - remind him you gave birth to his children and he's had weekends away and you're just as entitled as him to time away.

Frankenpug23 · 09/08/2023 19:29

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 17:08

My issue is that when she cries he says ‘mummy has decided she wants to go out, not stay here.’
And then he doesn’t do anything to distract her, he just lets her hang onto me and I have to peel
her off.
Drives me crazy.
I will try and be more assertive! Rather than ask, I will tell.

Your husband is a twat - you need to stop this now and start setting some ground rules about ‘Mum time’ your 8yo needs to be told beforehand by you that all you are doing is spending time with your friends like they do with x,y etc and that you love them very much and will see them later.

Go enjoy and plan to do this more often!! xx

MangshorJhol · 09/08/2023 19:30

In eight years he’s had the odd evening and day managing two kids?! WOW. He won the spousal lottery. Gets to have weekends off with a wife who doesn’t complain and does the very bare minimum parenting himself.
Can I ask if you work? How can your parenting be quite so unequally divided????

recklessgran · 09/08/2023 19:31

OP I haven't read the whole thread but in your shoes I'd be arranging for a playdate at your house on Saturday for your 8 year old. Surely that would prevent her from showing off and being distressed when you leave? I'd tell DH that I was doing so, and the reason why!
Your DH is a twat and I would not put up with this in a million years OP.