Inheritance treated as a 'hand out'

[LittleMissUnreasonable]

I constantly see posts and hear comments about people inheriting money and it being treated like a massive privilege and an exciting thing. Almost said in jealousy sometimes. For example some of the things I've heard are;
" Well at least you'll benefit from the money"
"X is so lucky to have a head start"
"X didn't work hard, it was all inherited"
" They want do they found buying a house easy with the inheritance money"

I find all the disparaging comments about people inheriting money having it easy really disrespectful. I certainly remembered feeling disgusted when I was younger (and I lost someone very close) that people acted though I've been given a massive hand out in life. I'm pretty sure most people would want their mum/dad/partner back and don't give 2 hoots about the money.

My friend's very working class Dad in his 60s has just inherited half a million from his parents estate which significantly changes his life. He doesn't care. Just wants his parents back

It's probably not earned. Most likely what the poster is getting at is that it'll come from increase in home value way beyond inflation, maintenance and any improvements.

@Soontobe60 "Do you know, after my grandparents, then my sister then each of my parents died, no one asked if I’d inherited anything, let alone how much! It just didnt come up. Who are these people who have the gift of second sight and know when someone’s inherited money???" - everyone I know who has received a substantial inheritance has told everyone, and then gone on to buy obvious large purchases like a house or car(s). Obviously, many people do keep it private of course.

Of course it is an advantage. Many people lose their parents when they are young and get nothing or practically nothing. Your example of a man in his 60s! who lost his parents getting half a million has done well. Most people have lost their parents long before they themselves hit 60 so first and foremost he has done very well to still have had his parents in his 60s. In addition, he has then benefitted from the money. I hadn't reached 30 when mine died and family members have lost parents whilst still young children.

Everyone loses their parents. Those who get a good inheritance when they lose their parents are lucky to be in families were relative wealth exists and is passed on. They are not lucky to be bereaved obviously, but unfortunately that happens to us all.

This thread is throwing up some feelings for me. I’m going to inherit a significant amount from my dm. No one in real life aside from closest family actually knows this, but I’ve still had comments about how ‘lucky’ I am that my inheritance (that hasn’t yet been received) has funded our recent holiday and home renovations (both booked and planned before dm’s death but put on hold as a result).

On reflection, I am very lucky. I’m lucky that I had a great dm, that she was a wonderful role model and that she cared so much that she wanted to leave us secure when she passed. Being honest, I’d rather she’d spent the lot and I won’t be touching it. The money will be invested to be passed on to my kids when they are older. I know my mum would love that idea and yes, they will be lucky to receive a significant nest egg from granny as a head start.

Perhaps it makes a difference that I really don’t need my mum’s money, but to me it definitely doesn’t feel like a windfall, it feels more like a burden. And while I agree I am very blessed in many ways, I have to say that anyone who thinks it’s acceptable to tell a recently bereaved person that they are lucky is probably a bit of an arsehole.

I think everyone would rather have a loved one still around. Of course they would. It's a given.

But everybody dies. And if you inherit something then very nice for you. It doesn't mean you'd rather have the inheritance over the person still being alive.

Both of my parents are dead and I didn't get a penny inheritance. So imo you are lucky to get an inheritance.

I am sorry you lost your parents young, I did too. But I really can't think anyone would say your are lucky your parents died which gave you an inheritance. I think they mean you are lucky to have got an inheritance.

I lost parents and have no inheritance. Did I grieve 'harder' because I had no money to comfort me, I sincerely doubt it, not even a little bit. Is it easier for you that your parents didn't see you get married or have DC because you have money. No it's still shit. I wanted to call my mum quite a few times when I was pregnant I'll guess you were the same.

Both of our parents died while we were still young. That equally sucks for both of us. But can you not see that by having an inheritance, you are better off? 'Lucky' as some might say. Not lucky that your parents died, but lucky that they were in a position to help you financially.

Having them back is not an option for either of us regardless of how much we would like to. The choices are to have no parents and no inheritance or no parents with an inheritance.

Also, I have never once had someone ask me about inheritance so just don't tell people things if they stick their nose in.

This.

You are conflating two separate things OP. The loss of your parents, and the gaining of an inheritance. Everyone loses their parents but not everyone gets an inheritance. Why should you not consider yourself lucky to have gained the inheritance.

Just don't reveal it to anyone, and keep things private.

can be hard to hide though.

everyone I know who has received a substantial inheritance has told everyone, and then gone on to buy obvious large purchases like a house or car(s).

Same

Errr lots of people lose loved ones and have no inheritance. They too would like their loved ones back.

Just don't reveal it to anyone, and keep things private.

It was a bit hard to hide when I'd gone from stressing about renting and landlords who evict on a whim (or in my case, being evicted because Airbnb is more profitable than renting to people who actually live there), plus complaining to anyone who would listen that I'd been financially screwed over by the government in the pandemic (industry shut down, fell through all the cracks of support despite paying every penny of my taxes).... to suddenly buying a house.

Either I could be upfront to friends about the inheritance enabling me to buy somewhere, or I could look like I'd been lying for 18 months about my dire financial situation.

She got a lot of money in compensation but couldn't bare to touch it, it felt like blood money to her.

To me that's a completely different situation.

I think you could also argue that

1. money doesn’t make people happy and some people frazzle away that “massive advantage” so it’s not an advantage.
2. having your parents /siblings etc around you into mid life or later life is also an advantage. There’s the emotional support you can gain, but also the hands on practice support until they get too old to do that. I gain massively from both my DB, especially since divorcing, and would rather have their support alive in practice than money if they died. On the converse my mum died relatively young, when my kids were very small . I didn’t inherit anything as obviously went to my dad, but I have missed her badly. Have gone through some tough times where having her support would have benefitted my mental health massively.

money is not the only thing that buys “massive advantage “. We just find it difficult to quantify the rest

It is a hand out. At the end of the day thousands of people die and their loved ones are left with nothing but the grief, at least if you've got some inheritance there's some support and help available. Everyone else has whatever time they can afford off work and then they're back to the daily grind. No one would want someone to die to help them but in these days it's actually the only way many can afford to move forward in life significantly.

I don't understand why people need to qualify it with "I'd rather have my parents/uncle/brother/grandmother back". It just comes across as virtue signalling. Of course people would say that, they're hardly going to come out with "I couldn't give a shit about Auntie Flo, it's just nice to have her money".

i also don't understand why people need to mention how much they've inherited or that they've even inherited at all. It seems to have become the norm since social media became a thing.

Surely it’s a given that (generally), no-one wants to lose a loved one ever.

Both my parents died when I was quite young, and there was no financial inheritance, just lots of stress sorting stuff out and having to grow up fast. I’d never comment to anyone and say how lucky they were to inherit a large sum of money, but I’d certainly think it.

My lovely friend received substantial financial gifts during their lifetimes and also inherited a significant amount of money from her parents after they died.

However, it’s not really about the money, I’m more envious that she was grown up and married with children and had them support her through her first 40+years before they died. I have no mementos of my family and sometimes it’s hard to remember anything about my childhood and there’s no-one around to ask. 🤷🏻‍♀️

No it isn't that hard, unless "you're" one of those people who plays out their entire existence on social media so people already know every last thing about your finances, warts and all.

if people didn't overshare, which is what that is, then if they inherit, nobody would be any the wiser.

the word "Boundaries" has come up a massive amount on MN this week, because people have poor boundaries and it causes huge problems in people's lives, in the relationships they have, the interactions with family friends, partners and the degree to which they open themselves up to getting screwed over in a lot of cases. It's painful.

I've never seen anyone say how much they've inherited or even talk about it on social media. I've mentioned my situation to a couple of my closest friends, only one, my best friend of 30+ years, knows the actual figure (and that's because my mum has left her something too, so I wanted to put in context for her as she was worried she was taking money that I 'should' have had). I have no idea how much money any of my friends have inherited from relatives. I think it's quite unusual for people to talk about how much inheritance they've received.

It's all degrees of shitness though, isn't it? I can feel envious of that man in his 60s who got 60 years with his parents. I am 37 and my mum is dead. She won't see my two young children grow up. But then I am better off than my husband, whose mum died at the age of 49 and never even got to see us have children. At least my mum had four years with my oldest DC.

Recognising privilege doesn't mean we can't also feel hard done by in other ways. Someone almost always has it worse, and someone almost always has it better. That's just life.

I'm pretty sure most people would want their mum/dad/partner back and don't give 2 hoots about the money.

I knew you were going to say this.

Let me guess…you’ve either inherited or expect to inherit.

It’s like a script, you think you’re in a Hollywood movie.

I think if you inherit you should keep it to yourself, the ‘if I could give it all back for just one day’ mawkish sentimentality is crass.

inheritance is both a blessing and a curse. I have seen so many families go to war over an inheritance because it’s ‘unfair’ It can tear families apart.

There’s a difference between feeling “lucky” where you’ve come into something without the loss of something far more important, vs “lucky” the loved one passed away with money to bequeath.

one is the luck of the deceased person, for good health etc where their money wasn’t frazzled on caremhome fees, or they could accumulate money from not being long term sick, out of work etc during their working life, or just in an area where house prices boomed

The other is not luck for the beneficiaries- it is merely a rightful passing of the outcome of that luck onto them as per stated wishes of the deceased. What is lucky about having a mum or dad or sibling ? We all have parents….

I think the MN jump on people who’ve inherited is confusing the luck of there being an estate at all, with the misconception and rather insulting “lucky bastards “ who get that inheritance.

And I think this is what poster is trying to say.

by the way, I’m not a lucky bastard, sadly my elderly and ill dad is likely to frazzle all his wealth on care home fees and were arguing the old care vs nursing costs with LA right now, and has most likely disinherited me anyway if there’s a few quid left 🤷🏼‍♀️

People are only saying what others say in real life as someone who received a medium size inheritance I got jealously from family and friends that I no longer speak to because of it. They swarmed me like vultures

I could NEVER be envious of others with money it's such an ugly trait for ugly people

@Flakey99 I bet you're a damn sight more resourceful, resilient and self-reliant than many, because you had to grow up the hard way (believe me, I did too). You lost out but you've gained in a very different way, those tough experiences have given you a richer perspective on life and the priorities.

Of course you can be jealous. You’re no different to anyone else.