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AIBU?

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Original poster

Inheritance treated as a 'hand out'

463 replies

LittleMissUnreasonable · 09/08/2023 13:59

I constantly see posts and hear comments about people inheriting money and it being treated like a massive privilege and an exciting thing. Almost said in jealousy sometimes. For example some of the things I've heard are;
" Well at least you'll benefit from the money"
"X is so lucky to have a head start"
"X didn't work hard, it was all inherited"
" They want do they found buying a house easy with the inheritance money"

I find all the disparaging comments about people inheriting money having it easy really disrespectful. I certainly remembered feeling disgusted when I was younger (and I lost someone very close) that people acted though I've been given a massive hand out in life. I'm pretty sure most people would want their mum/dad/partner back and don't give 2 hoots about the money.

My friend's very working class Dad in his 60s has just inherited half a million from his parents estate which significantly changes his life. He doesn't care. Just wants his parents back

OP posts:
whatstheagendatoday · 09/08/2023 16:09

Yes op There's an element of jealousy and an element of I've earned it therefore I'm holier than though when it's inheritance. it's the same concept as fighting over how hard you've had it when you were young versus today,l's avocado eating youth, how mums who give birth in most pain and bf for 3 years talk about their delivery vs those who choose csection, not to bf, same as those who send their kids to private vs those whose kids went to state than got into uni etc etc. Sure inheritance is a privilege. Sure it gives a he'd start. Doesn't negate ones own achievements though...
Just don't reveal it to anyone, and keep things private.

whatstheagendatoday · 09/08/2023 16:10

Sorry for the typos...

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 09/08/2023 16:10

LittleMissUnreasonable · 09/08/2023 14:30

The anecdote about my friend's dad (although he lost his parents when they were elderly) was more to pinpoint that even a life-changing amount of money hasn't made him feel lucky or privileged in any way.

Doesn’t he? I’d feel pretty lucky and privileged if my parents lived well into their 80s or 90s then left me a nice pot of cash when they died at a good age.

CurlyTandtheTangles · 09/08/2023 16:10

My children are all teens. I'll die early than I'd like (illness) and its going to be shit for them.

The money won't stop them grieving or prevent sadness but I'm glad to be able to ensure financially they'll have some support as I won't be around to support them in other ways. I feel it's all I can do.

If it irks people, well tbh I don't give a fuck.

Soontobe60 · 09/08/2023 16:12

DysmalRadius · 09/08/2023 14:09

I agree that it can be a hugely tactless thing to say to someone who is bereaved.

But the alternative to getting an inheritance isn't everlasting family members, it's bereavement without the money.

People are just as sad about losing family members who don't leave an inheritance; you can't pretend it's not preferable to be in your shoes.

Do you know, after my grandparents, then my sister then each of my parents died, no one asked if I’d inherited anything, let alone how much! It just didnt come up. Who are these people who have the gift of second sight and know when someone’s inherited money???

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 09/08/2023 16:13

I wouldn’t have wanted my Dm back instead of the inheritance, because she was 97, had had advanced dementia for some years, and no longer knew any of her family.

Yes, it’s a horrible cliche, but sometimes death really is a ‘merciful release’.

Soontobe60 · 09/08/2023 16:13

LittleMissUnreasonable · 09/08/2023 14:30

The anecdote about my friend's dad (although he lost his parents when they were elderly) was more to pinpoint that even a life-changing amount of money hasn't made him feel lucky or privileged in any way.

What a shame that his parents were so wealthy that they left him £500 000 which changed his life, when surely he would have benefitted from them helping him financially whilst they were still alive.

ssd · 09/08/2023 16:14

LittleMissUnreasonable · 09/08/2023 14:30

The anecdote about my friend's dad (although he lost his parents when they were elderly) was more to pinpoint that even a life-changing amount of money hasn't made him feel lucky or privileged in any way.

I simply dont believe you.

He will feel privileged to have the money whilst grieving for his parents. His grief isnt any more or any less than someone who loses parents with no inheritance. But im sure he will appreciate the money.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 09/08/2023 16:17

@Soontobe60 , maybe the money was tied up in their house, or in investments they needed for day to day income.

Unless people are much better off than most, they’re unlikely to have half a million quid just lying around spare to give away.

Noicant · 09/08/2023 16:18

I won’t inherit anything, hopefully the estate we leave DD will be circa a million. I’d be pretty annoyed if she didn’t realise it was an unearned handout and that she’s bloody lucky to be left something that could make her life pretty comfortable. I’m unlikely to rise from the dead so she may as well enjoy the money and count her lucky stars. It’s tone deaf to claim that inheritance doesn’t make a difference.

PinkCherryBlossoms · 09/08/2023 16:18

ssd · 09/08/2023 16:14

I simply dont believe you.

He will feel privileged to have the money whilst grieving for his parents. His grief isnt any more or any less than someone who loses parents with no inheritance. But im sure he will appreciate the money.

Show quote history

I find it quite believable that he doesn't feel privileged, especially not if recently bereaved. Doesn't affect the fact that objectively he is, both in respect of inheritance and how long he got with his parents.

Silvered · 09/08/2023 16:18

Ah now we have the wise choices bullshit being trotted out. My mum grafted every day from leaving school aged 15 until she was too ill to physically stand up any more. But let's all doff a cap to those who managed to buy property and then benefit from huge equity gains, and shove the boot in discreetly to those who weren't "wise enough" to buy a house. Fucking hell, the level of entitled privilege on here is rank.

I don't begrudge anyone from being lucky to receive an inheritance. But getting any kind of financial benefit is luck - it's an accident of birth. And suggesting that this somehow equates to people thinking that you are "lucky someone died" is not only wrong but facile.

ssd · 09/08/2023 16:19

Another part of having an inheritance is presumably you having time to clear out the loved ones home before putting it on the market. When my mum died i had 2 weeks after her funeral to clear her house as the council wanted it back. If i had taken longer I'd have been liable for her rent and council tax. All this on top of paying for the funeral. Without any inheritance.

So yes op, yabvvu

Silvered · 09/08/2023 16:20

ssd · 09/08/2023 16:19

Another part of having an inheritance is presumably you having time to clear out the loved ones home before putting it on the market. When my mum died i had 2 weeks after her funeral to clear her house as the council wanted it back. If i had taken longer I'd have been liable for her rent and council tax. All this on top of paying for the funeral. Without any inheritance.

So yes op, yabvvu

I'm so sorry, that must have been very hard.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 09/08/2023 16:22

Maybe friends dad should give the money to charity if he has no use/doesn’t feel lucky etc. An inheritance IS a handout. 🙄

flyingant · 09/08/2023 16:28

So someone in their 20s being orphaned but "it's okay as they have money now".

@LittleMissUnreasonable, I don't believe that anyone thinks it's 'okay' when someone young becomes an orphan because they inherit money. Do you really think that is true?

I think people generally fall into these main groups:

  1. people with no family who will never inherit
  2. people with family who will never inherit
  3. people with family who have/will inherit

People in each group will either not have family or will be bereaved. Only the third group will inherit money that they didn't earn and is given to them - of course that is lucky and I'm sure many people would prefer to be that group out of the 3. Money is a separate issue from bereavement. Do you think people would prefer not to have/had any family? Or to be bereaved without an inheritance?

peachgreen · 09/08/2023 16:33

Hmm. I'm not sure I agree. I lost DH suddenly when I was only 36 and of course I would give anything to have him back, it's the worst thing that ever happened to me and nothing could ever make up for it. BUT I do feel very privileged that I received a death in service payment which paid off a chunk of my mortgage. And I would feel even more privileged if his life insurance had paid out!

nosmallfeet · 09/08/2023 16:36

I knew a girl at university who had been in a pretty awful car accident in her mid teens where a friend of hers had been killed and she'd been left with injuries to her face, not terrible but scaring where her teeth went thorough her cheek.

She got a lot of money in compensation but couldn't bare to touch it, it felt like blood money to her. She had a boyfriend though who kept wanting her to spend it on things for them or him and he was very frustrated that she wouldn't spend it as he felt it was just free money and couldn't get his head round the fact that the money was in some ways a burden to her and something she couldn't just spend freely. Anyway she finally broke up with that guy and we lost touch after graduation no idea if she spent the money but I hope she is doing well.

HeadNorth · 09/08/2023 16:36

I have suffered horrific bereavement and had to keep working. Obviously it would have been better to have had a financial cushion while I learned to live with the loss. Why is that so offensive for you to acknowledge OP?

Supertrouper990 · 09/08/2023 16:37

A thread like this will never end well due to so many different opinions and many many different experiences, in particular talking about who's luckier or more privileged than who.

I recently caused offense on MN when I expressed (although may have worded it wrongly) that someone who has parents in their life for longer are "typically" more fortunate than others (I have just recently lost my Dad @ 28). Gosh it caused some great offense but also on the flip side of differing opinions you of course get some empathy for other situations.

OP as you do say of course your friend would rather have their parents back but equally can you not see it for some positives - ie at least they didnt have a two week deadline to clear the house like some posters here WHILST grieving x

JudgeRudy · 09/08/2023 16:41

It's possible to have 2 sets of feelings you know. Of course you care about the money otherwise you wouldn't accept it or would give it away. ..lm sure though given the choice the majority of people would want a love one back - happy and in good health of course

Dacadactyl · 09/08/2023 16:41

You're overthrowing it.

When my relation inherited 500k at 22 it was a massive leg up for their adult life. Can't see why anyone would make any bones about it being hugely advantageous?!

No ones saying they wouldn't prefer their dead relative around longer but people die...and those who inherit are lucky to inherit a huge wad of cash.

Dacadactyl · 09/08/2023 16:41

Overthinking!

elliejjtiny · 09/08/2023 16:45

I inherited money when my dad died. Nothing like 1/2 a million but enough to replace our car which had just given up with another 2nd hand one, replace that far when it got stolen 2 months later and have about 3k left over. I know parents dying is inevitable and happens to most of us but mine was relatively young and I would much rather he had spent another 10/20 years with us and spent all the money himself.

Howmuchfurther · 09/08/2023 16:45

KvotheTheBloodless · 09/08/2023 14:08

I don't think anyone is saying that you wanted x or y to die, only that inheritance isn't money you earned, and really it is a hand-out.

I stand to inherit a huge amount myself, I'm not jealous, just telling the truth. It's unearned and, objectively, unfair.

It’s not unfair.

Your parents provided more valuable services than others.

Its totally fair that they should
a) keep the thanks/payment they received and
b) give it to the person they love.

If they had not expected to be able to keep and give their own money their own way, they probably wouldn’t have bothered to earn it in the first place.