Inheritance treated as a 'hand out'

[LittleMissUnreasonable]

I constantly see posts and hear comments about people inheriting money and it being treated like a massive privilege and an exciting thing. Almost said in jealousy sometimes. For example some of the things I've heard are;
" Well at least you'll benefit from the money"
"X is so lucky to have a head start"
"X didn't work hard, it was all inherited"
" They want do they found buying a house easy with the inheritance money"

I find all the disparaging comments about people inheriting money having it easy really disrespectful. I certainly remembered feeling disgusted when I was younger (and I lost someone very close) that people acted though I've been given a massive hand out in life. I'm pretty sure most people would want their mum/dad/partner back and don't give 2 hoots about the money.

My friend's very working class Dad in his 60s has just inherited half a million from his parents estate which significantly changes his life. He doesn't care. Just wants his parents back

It's pretty self evident that one of those options is preferable to the other, and I'm sure that most people do get that.

Maybe people don't feel able to acknowledge it because they feel that it somehow suggests that their loss is somehow compensated for by the money? That isn't what anyone is actually saying, of course, but I can see why people might twist it that way in their heads. Perhaps it would almost feel disloyal to their loved ones to acknowedge that they have benefitted from the money because that seems to minimise their sense of loss? Even though the loved one would presumably have wanted them to benefit?

@JonahAndTheSnail

Well you're lucky that you don't HAVE to spend the inheritance. Many MANY people WOULD have to spend it on normal basic things like a roof and food. Good job for you that you already have what you need and can set it aside and forget about it.
Plenty of people I know lost their parents in their 20's and 30's and didn't get a penny because they were poor growing up and poor now in adulthood.
I'm sure if they had inheritance it would have taken the sting out of going back to their little rented tower block flat and meant they could take a bit of time off their 12 hour shifts to GRIEVE.

It's the same for my husband and I. Both poor and completely self made. However I think your attitude is discriminatory towards disabled people and people with learning Difficulties.
Our youngest has cerebral palsy and learning disabilities, she has only us. If we were to die she would be in a dire situation without the money we've set aside for her.
Not everybody can just 'work hard' to become financially stable. Many people battle with life in a number of ways. It's not always that easy.

Not everybody can just 'work hard' to become financially stable. Many people battle with life in a number of ways. It's not always that easy.

I'm not sure where I said it was that easy in life for everyone. All I said was I agree with the OP that it's shit when you lose both parents at an early age and money doesn't make up for it, which it doesn't. It can't buy you your parents being there for your wedding day, meeting grandchildren for the first time etc. I then said my personal experience is I would rather have my loved ones back and not the money. I can understand why this isn't the case for everyone, based on their own life experiences and of course they're not wrong, it's subjective. I don't have any family to leave money to and little interest in changing my current modest lifestyle, so a charity will likely get a 'hand out' when I die. I stand by 'hand out' being a crass term to use in the context of someone dying. Sadly a lot of assumptions on this thread seem to be that anyone with more than a penny spare to their name has no altruistic capabilities.

it's shit when you lose both parents at an early age and money doesn't make up for it, which it doesn't. It can't buy you your parents being there for your wedding day, meeting grandchildren for the first time etc. I then said my personal experience is I would rather have my loved ones back and not the money.

None of us can get back the people we lost, regardless of whether or not we inherited anything.

So would you rather lose the person you love and have money, or lose the person you love and have no money?

People die. Everyone dies. Everyone's parents and loved ones will die.

Some will have some good come of that. Others just get left with the sadness of the death.

Of course you would swap the money to have your loved one back. I think the point people are trying to make is that inheritance is a hand out, it's not a piece of nothing and those that receive it are very lucky they just don't realise it because most have already had money and probably handouts in the past such house deposits, help with weddings and education etc. many people with inheritance don't know what it's like to be dirt poor and it's insulting for poor people to read things like 'I don't want the money' or 'I don't need the money'
Perhaps give it to someone that desperately needs it like a family who are working hard but have struggled all their lives.

Yep!

Some people get inheritance when parents are alive. Or parents do a “dead of variation” in favour of their children when an elderly grandparent dies. People do eventually die.

Nobody is arguing that's it's easy. And of course not everyone can just work hard to become financially stable, but in many ways, that's the point!

You say that your dd would be in a dire situation without the money that you've managed to set by for her, and I don't doubt that that's true. The point that people are making is that there are sadly lots of people who are left in that dire situation because their parents weren't able to set anything aside for them/pass on an inheritance.

And while life may never be "easy" for your dd, it will be a whole lot harder for people with comparable disabilities and no financial cushion, so in comparison to those individuals, your dd is very lucky indeed to have had parents who could afford to make provisions for her future.

Acknowledge to who? The inheritance police?
It's nobody else's business!!

Well no, obviously it isn't money the person inheriting earned, but someone earned it originally so it isn't a hand-out, nor is it unfair. Life isn't fair, some people do well, some don't, it's just life. Some people win huge sums of money, but strangely enough I never hear how unfair that is!

We've had a conversation about inheritance at work before and someone assumed I'd be getting some when the dreaded happens, I told them I wouldn't be getting anything and explained why and they said "surely you'll get something?" I said no and I'm not bothered by it. The money is just another reminder that they're not here 🤷🤷😞

We have had both. DH’s dad died at 70, and he never met me/saw his son married as we married later. It was hard on DH. His mum is 90. When she passes, it will be hard on the both of us. My paternal grandfather though died at 53 of lung cancer. It was hard on my dad. My mum died at 80 of COVID, no funeral was possible. My dad died at 80 of colon cancer, and the last few months were horrific. All situations weren’t great. Inheriting from relatives has always been bittersweet, particularly when it has caused family rifts.

I’ve had two friends in the past year die young, one at 57 due to a brain tumour, and the other at 60 due to pancreatic cancer; we were writing a book together with with some other scholars. We ‘inherited’ a book to finish on his behalf, and he was with us till the end online.. his deterioration was shocking but his spirit was strong. I’m not sure measuring grief in degrees is possible. I just grieved in all cases.

I’m an executor for an old lady who doesn’t have any children, so I know her will is split five ways between nieces and nephews.
A couple of the nieces are very good and visit her on a regular basis, but she hasn’t seen one of the nephews for about 15 years (he lives 10 miles away).
If she died now he would probably inherit about £100k; think that makes him lucky!

100% yes

I agree but equally, I would argue you are lucky and privileged to have your parents with you to an old age (I did not). Money is not the only thing in life which involves "luck" or privilege is it? People are acting as if luck/privilege only applies to money and it absolutely does not. If you grew up in a loving home you are lucky, and privileged, if you had access to a decent education you are lucky and privileged, if your parents got to be there with on your wedding day you are lucky, if you did not experience a life limiting illness you are lucky, if you havent had to care for parents through illness or disability you are lucky. Yes, those who inherit after losing parent young are luckier than those who also lost loved ones young and did not but this seems to be morphing into some kind of luck competition where money is the only thing being lauded as important. Its not.

I’ve lost both parents, I’m in my thirties and it breaks my heart to think I could have another 40 years on this earth without them here.

I have inherited a good amount which means I should be able to get on the property ladder, and I won’t have to work til I die (private renting). So I’m a bit more optimistic about the future. I’ve never relied on them for money in my adult life so I feel like the inheritance is their final way of looking after me.

But I’d still rather have them both here. I miss them terribly 😔

This is a much better way of saying what I clumsily trying to say earlier. There's a lot of being 'unlucky/lucky' when it comes to your parents life and death that isn't just to do with money. I don't think I would say to someone who had recently lost their mum in their late 80s 'gosh you're lucky, I lost mine before she was 70!' because it's crass, but yes they are more fortunate than I am in that respect.

There's also the fact too that parents living longer or healthier parents sometimes involves financial gain that isn't inheritance, such as childcare for grandchildren instead of using paid childcare, which makes a huge difference financially at generally the toughest time of a young family's life.

It's impossible to get into top trumps because everyone's lives, circumstances, relationships are different. People who have been left money are more fortunate than those who haven't in that one small sphere, but that sphere joins dozens of others where those people may or may not also be lucky or unlucky.

I agree but equally, I would argue you are lucky and privileged to have your parents with you to an old age (I did not). Money is not the only thing in life which involves "luck" or privilege is it?

No one has said money is the only privilege just that it is a privilege. And obviously there are degrees of privilege eg white privilege is a bit more of a thing than parents present at wedding day.

Of course you would swap the money to have your loved one back. I think the point people are trying to make is that inheritance is a hand out, it's not a piece of nothing and those that receive it are very lucky they just don't realise it because most have already had money and probably handouts in the past such house deposits, help with weddings and education etc. many people with inheritance don't know what it's like to be dirt poor and it's insulting for poor people to read things like 'I don't want the money' or 'I don't need the money'
Perhaps give it to someone that desperately needs it like a family who are working hard but have struggled all their lives.

And again, posters making assumptions without reading posts. First, I've already said twice, we plan to pass most of the inheritance onto friends, our nephew and charity. I've not had any inheritance from parents or financial help whilst they're alive with house deposit etc, DH is the same. I have friends and family in similar situations, so I don't think it's that unusual. I've spent most of my adult life living in bedsits in high crime areas, working multiple jobs and not eating at times to better my situation. Purposefully chose to settle in an area where house prices are low. I didn't inherit anything from my Dad when he passed away when I was in my 20s as it quite rightly went to my Mum. I hope it all gets spent on her living a long life. I do have sympathy for the people who are in difficult financial circumstances and have to pay for a loved one's funeral, that must be especially awful.

DH's Mum passed away very suddenly at a young age (had only just retired) a few months ago, so he should receive a modest inheritance (nowhere near half a mill)! Again, I would hardly describe her life as 'privileged' in that she was widowed young and had two sons under 5 to raise on her own. They spent most of their early lives living hand to mouth and relying on credit cards.

'Privilege' is all relative though isn't it? You could argue that everyone on this thread is in the top percentile of people on Earth as we're fortunate enough to have shelter, internet access in our homes, access to free education and healthcare etc. I recognise that I'm privileged to have been born in this country and the advantages it has afforded me. I know how shit it is to live hand to mouth and do my best to live modestly and donate to charities. The truth is there's always someone worse off than you and I don't understand the desire to weaponise the subject of inheritance. Some of the posts have a similar tone to the Daily Fail articles vilifying benefits claimants.

I don't see how it's not distasteful for people to make uninvited comments about what someone who has been recently bereaved will do with their inheritance/how fortunate they are which is what the original post was about. If you feel that way about your own personal situation, then of course that's fine for you to talk about it in that way. I wouldn't dream of telling DH how privileged he is to have just two surviving blood relatives in his early 40s. Maybe once the grief has settled he'll check his privilege. Similarly if a friend is telling me they can't pay their electric bill, I wouldn't tell them 'yes, but at least you are privileged enough to have experienced living in house with electricity'.

I agree but I am saying its not being acknowledged. Its all about money isnt it? This entire thread is minimising other privileges and luck (even people who have talked about other aspects) and focusing solely on calling those who inherit as "lucky", as if other factors in life dont make a person lucky either. Those who have not inherited may not be "lucky" in that aspect but they may be massively lucky and privileged in many, many other ways.

Privilege' is all relative though isn't it? You could argue that everyone on this thread is in the top percentile of people on Earth as we're fortunate enough to have shelter, internet access in our homes, access to free education and healthcare etc. I recognise that I'm privileged to have been born in this country and the advantages it has afforded me. I know how shit it is to live hand to mouth and do my best to live modestly and donate to charities. The truth is there's always someone worse off than you and I don't understand the desire to weaponise the subject of inheritance. Some of the posts have a similar tone to the Daily Fail articles vilifying benefits claimants

This exactly.

I inherited £350k when my mum died six years ago aged 93. She had dementia and her death was a release. That money meant I could take advantage of my employer’s early severance scheme and retire comfortably at 58. I have been very lucky I grant that. But I also feel like the money was a compensation from the universe after having been through the pain of infertility, DH having cancer (all ok now) and caring for my mum. You lose them twice with dementia - once when their mind goes and again when their body dies.

It probably wasn't earned originally by anyone, given what's happened to house prices in the UK over the last few decades. People are leaving substantial estates because they happened to buy a property at a particular time.