Inheritance treated as a 'hand out'

[LittleMissUnreasonable]

I constantly see posts and hear comments about people inheriting money and it being treated like a massive privilege and an exciting thing. Almost said in jealousy sometimes. For example some of the things I've heard are;
" Well at least you'll benefit from the money"
"X is so lucky to have a head start"
"X didn't work hard, it was all inherited"
" They want do they found buying a house easy with the inheritance money"

I find all the disparaging comments about people inheriting money having it easy really disrespectful. I certainly remembered feeling disgusted when I was younger (and I lost someone very close) that people acted though I've been given a massive hand out in life. I'm pretty sure most people would want their mum/dad/partner back and don't give 2 hoots about the money.

My friend's very working class Dad in his 60s has just inherited half a million from his parents estate which significantly changes his life. He doesn't care. Just wants his parents back

People need to realise that money can't buy you everything. What good is money when you have no one?

No-one plus money

or

No-one and no money

Pick one

Money can't buy everything. But it can buy a roof over your head and pay your bills while you grieve.

Further down the line it can give you choices in your life for you and your family still here.

"So much bitterness and resentment on MN these days. People who inherit. Boomers. Landlords. Second home owners. Anyone not on the bones of their arse. All should be burned at the stake it seems."

Think you've misread the room. A good number of the people saying those who get an inheritance are lucky have got, or expect to get, an inheritance. Most people aren't bitter. They are saying that if you get a good inheritance you are lucky. They think that getting an inheritance in the event of a death and saying that the inheritance itself wasn't a good thing because they would rather have the person back are disingenuous. Everybody would rather have their loved ones back but not everybody is lucky enough to receive half a million in inheritance. Nobody wants anybody burnt at the stake. Half the people saying it have got or are getting inheritances. They just aren't twats pretending that half a million won't be useful.

But that's not people are saying. The thread is about those who are in the fortunate position to receive an inheritance when someone dies. As PP have already pointed out, nobody is saying that you should choose someone's money over their survival. Or that the money takes away or negates the grief.

Money buys security and gives you options, which goes a long way towards happiness. A PP has already shared their experience of having to clear out their Mum's belongings as she was only given two weeks by the council before they wanted the property back. Whereas someone whose parent was mortgage free doesn't have that time pressure.

Money buys security and gives you options, which goes a long way towards happiness. A PP has already shared their experience of having to clear out their Mum's belongings as she was only given two weeks by the council before they wanted the property back. Whereas someone whose parent was mortgage free doesn't have that time pressure.

it's quite eye opening that some people clearly live in complete bubbles so aren't aware that their reality is not the same as everyone else's. I know someone who had the above happen, it was awful the additional stress it put them under.

. AMEN to that! ^

I think posts like the OPs come from a reluctance on the part of some people to admit they've been helped in life. There's this conceit that everything they have must be seen as deserved and earned (if not by hard work, by some comparable hardship) so they will jump through hoops to argue they're just as unfortunate as everyone else; lest we think for a moment the good things in their lives have come about more easily than for others. People who feel thd need to 'justify' their inheritance often cite the work ethic of the deceased as making it 'fair', so it must be quite conflicting for those people to be in the position where their own gains are not as a result of their work.

The thing is, all these people saying they'd rather have the person alive than the money...it seems to be missing the point. The person who left you the money would 100% know the money will eventually make your life easier and they'd have been delighted they were in the position to do this for you. So instead of saying how much you'd rather have the person back instead of the money (duh), I'd be thanking them every night in my prayers for them being able to leave me money.
And i wouldn't forget my humility towards those who unfortunately couldn't be left anything.

@LakeTiticaca I write as a sibling beneficiary of minimal seven figures who would give it back in a heartbeat for a final hour them. I can tell you that keeping the name of my sibling, a reasonably prominent scientist who was also a significant contributor to charity, alive means more to me than someone who writes as you do is likely to be able to imagine.

To this end I have pledged about £150,000 with more to follow in accord with their values. Roughly tithing thus far after death duties. Every gift in their name helps me.

How is it 'free' money if the parent has worked hard/made sacrifices to help to pass a legacy on to their child? Both DH and I are both from poor working class backgrounds, but were brought up with the attitude that you work hard and should be careful with money, as you never know what's around the corner. DH's father died unexpectedly when he was aged 30 and DH was just 4 years old. His mum raised 2 young children (under 5) as a single parent until they were 18, working full time. His Mum passed away unexpectedly when DH was just 40. My dad died when I was 25 and he was only 60. We have built up a business and invested carefully, without any financial input from anyone else, which has given up a comfortable standard of living and will allow us to retire at 50.

I'd much rather have both sets of our parents alive until they're in their 90s and leave not leave us with a penny than for neither of us to have living parents when we're in our mid 40s.

@JonahAndTheSnail how is it not free money for the recipient?

I'd much rather have both sets of our parents alive until they're in their 90s and leave not leave us with a penny than for neither of us to have living parents when we're in our mid 40s.

🙄 yeah the point is would you rather lose them in your 40s & have an inheritance or lose them
in your 40s & have zero inheritance. Presumably it's the latter...

Parents are going to die, you can’t swap extra years of life for an inheritance.

I think posts like the OPs come from a reluctance on the part of some people to admit they've been helped in life. There's this conceit that everything they have must be seen as deserved and earned (if not by hard work, by some comparable hardship) so they will jump through hoops to argue they're just as unfortunate as everyone else

It's really weird which I don't understand. Why are some afraid to acknowledge it, fear it will be taken away?

I'd much rather have both sets of our parents alive until they're in their 90s and leave not leave us with a penny than for neither of us to have living parents when we're in our mid 40s.

Well, obviously, assume I'm very sorry for your losses, but that isn't really the point, is it? It isn't as if being poor somehow gives you a protective shield that enables you to live longer... quite the contrary, actually. People on lower incomes are significantly more likely to die at a younger age.

Consequently, the chances are that people from poorer families are actually more likely to lose their parents at a relatively young age and miss out on an inheritance, so to them, the people with the inheritance look pretty lucky.

No one is saying don’t work hard and leave inheritances.

Just please don’t make out your grief is more valuable or that your loss is greater.

Money does not bestow virtue, just virtue signalling.

yeah the point is would you rather lose them in your 40s & have an inheritance or lose them
in your 40s & have zero inheritance. Presumably it's the latter...

It's hardly usual to lose both parents when you've just turned 40 , so that's a massively insensitive thing to say! Have you had both parents literally drop dead on you? We have no plans to spend the inheritance. Possibly down the line if we need care in old age it will go towards that I suppose. Otherwise it will be invested and pass down to our nephew, charity or friends children when we pass away as we don't have children. Not everyone wants to live a lifestyle full of buying stuff and going on holidays. @Mukey hit it on the head.

It's hardly usual to lose both parents when you've just turned 40 , so that's a massively insensitive thing to say!

No the question I asked wasn't insensitive, you just don't like it because it doesn't fit your narrative. My dad lost both his parents in his 30s.

Not everyone wants to live a lifestyle full of buying stuff and going on holidays.

the above is completely irrelevant

The point is, you will have choices about what to do with that inheritance. Some people don't have those choices.

Of course you would have chosen not to have an inheritance at all because you would prefer to have had your parents around, and I'm genuinely sorry that you haven't got that. But you're still missing the point that some people don't have either. It isn't insensitive for people to point that out.

I'm in the position of having lost my dad when I was 10, and now my mum is in a care home, dying from dementia by millimetres. So most of what I might have inherited is being spent on her care. Tens of thousands, it is, including the proceeds of the sale of mum's house. So i stand to get bog all. Call me all the names you like, but I can't help feeling slightly envious of SIL whose elderly mother died quickly from cancer, leaving SIL the house and all other assets. Oh well, that's life.

Of course you would have chosen not to have an inheritance at all because you would prefer to have had your parents around, and I'm genuinely sorry that you haven't got that. But you're still missing the point that some people don't have either. It isn't insensitive for people to point that out.

But would you actually point that out to a friend who just lost someone close to them? It's a massively insensitive thing to do without any prior mention or 'brag' from that person about an inheritance. Neither DH or I mentioned anything about an inheritance to people around us when our parents passed, but every other person seems to comment about 'think what you can do with the money', or 'did they leave you much in the will'? Even people who don't know us that well.

But would you actually point that out to a friend who just lost someone close to them? It's a massively insensitive thing to do without any prior mention or 'brag' from that person about an inheritance

That's not what I did though.

You posted

"I'd much rather have both sets of our parents alive until they're in their 90s and leave not leave us with a penny than for neither of us to have living parents when we're in our mid 40s."

which no one would disagree with but that's not the point. I then pointed out the actual point which was apparently a massively insensitive thing to say!

🤔

No I wouldn't point it out to someone who had just lost someone close to them. I think it's pretty crass to talk about money at a time like that, personally, but perhaps people are just clumsily trying to pay your parents a compliment by acknowledging what an amazing gift they have managed to pass on to you, or trying to make you feel better by finding something vaguely positive to focus on. Some people are a bit lacking in emotional intelligence and struggle to know what to say at times like that, but I don't imagine for a moment that they are suggesting in any way that you should be grateful for your loss simply because of the financial benefits.

Obviously, people should be careful about what they say to people who are grieving, but the OP's comments appear to relate more generally to any acknowledgement that people have benefitted from receiving an inheritance at any point. I think that's silly tbh. All other things being equal, people who inherit significant sums obviously do have advantages over people who lose loved ones but don't inherit. It is just common sense to acknowledge this, but it isn't meant in a disrespectful way to minimise the losses of those that do inherit. It's just a statement of fact that some people are unlucky enough to lose their parents at a young age and have no inheritance.

Tbh @JonahAndTheSnail found my post incredibly insensitive so in terms of every other person in real life commenting & making her feel bad the issue may be one of comprehension.

It’s interesting that none of the people talking about how their inheritance makes fuck all difference have responded to this saying that they would prefer to be bereaved and penniless as opposed to bereaved with a big wad of cash.

It’s almost as though they know they’re better off with the money, but they don’t want to say it out loud…

Maybe, but it's a very sensitive subject that will inevitably bring up all sorts of complicated emotions for people, so it's hardly surprising if people take stuff the wrong way sometimes.

The fact is, it's shit to lose your parents whatever age you are and how much money they did or didn't leave you.