Inheritance treated as a 'hand out'

[LittleMissUnreasonable]

I constantly see posts and hear comments about people inheriting money and it being treated like a massive privilege and an exciting thing. Almost said in jealousy sometimes. For example some of the things I've heard are;
" Well at least you'll benefit from the money"
"X is so lucky to have a head start"
"X didn't work hard, it was all inherited"
" They want do they found buying a house easy with the inheritance money"

I find all the disparaging comments about people inheriting money having it easy really disrespectful. I certainly remembered feeling disgusted when I was younger (and I lost someone very close) that people acted though I've been given a massive hand out in life. I'm pretty sure most people would want their mum/dad/partner back and don't give 2 hoots about the money.

My friend's very working class Dad in his 60s has just inherited half a million from his parents estate which significantly changes his life. He doesn't care. Just wants his parents back

I think YABU because so many people lose beloved relatives and don’t get any inheritance. So it is a bonus over and above what those people have.

So losing relatives is sadly a given for everyone - albeit it happens at different times.

Whether you inherit money or not is the variable.

That’s a big assumption. A lot of people work extremely hard in areas where house prices aren’t over inflated over the years .

The issue really comes down to fact that, despite a lot of people working extremely hard , there is that there is massive pay inequality gap. The rich have got richer (with inertiences to pass on) and the poor have got poorer.

Someone with a career like mine earnt a large salary that allowed us to buy large family house. We spent a lot of years paying for that. It’s wasn’t that easy, as my ex had to stop working due to illness in his 40s and never worked agian, and at points we nearly lost that house. I also worked 50 hours per week and in my last years was travelling 60% of my time away from home, and it was a difficult job, so I did work extremely hard. . But I was certainly paid very well in my industry that got us out of that shit.

But I am very conscious that there are people who work as hard as me, or even harder, in much lower paid jobs. and that’s the inequality. It is appalling that the tax payer is funding companies paying below an actual living wage- when did it become acceptable for a government to end up in situation where working people are having to claim benefits just to make ends meet? And when did it become acceptable for families to rely in such vast numbers on free school meals and food banks. It is obscene. Of course large swaths of the population will have nothing to pass on

those people can’t buy houses, but they’re struggling with pretty much anything and will continue to struggle in to retirement with piss poor pensions. They’ll be no savings to pay for care, if they do have a home they own, so that’ll be sold and money used, vs those that do have cash savings to use first and still leave a house to their beneficiaries potentially.

and yes, inheritances then perpetuate this inequality , but not as much as wage inequality. And that has massively and shockingly increased over the years
https://www.economicshelp.org/blog/310/economics/rising-inequality-in-the-uk/

https://fullfact.org/economy/regional-inequality-figures-misleading/

I’ve been poor and rich- and I know that it is easier to get very rich once you’re rich, than getting well off when you are extremely poor. houses are a small part of that .

But, as I posted earlier, you’re confusing the luck or “ bonus” of the deceased person still having wealth to pass on, with a simple result of the person who inherits- that’d inherit whether it’s £1 or £1m - that’s not luck or a bonus, it’s just what will happen if someone names you as a beneficiary and agian that’s not something you’re lucky in- it’s almost always an act of birth or because you’ve sacrificed being their carer.
It’s the deceased luck or bonus - that’s it.

I think it's lucky for people earning the average wage if they live in an area where you can buy a 4 bed house for £120k and not a 2 bed flat for £500k like in London. Without inheritance from sold property, most people would not be able to buy in London. But people in cheaper areas don't actually care. Do they.

I’ve inherited just short of £1 million after my mother’s death. Most people won’t have any idea it was this much as she lived very frugally. But there are no end of people telling me what I should do with it - usually to the benefit of them or their children.

That’s shockingly rude. What have they suggested? Sorry about your mum

Nothing like money to bring people out of the woodwork. The only small upside to not having anything to inherit, was that it didn't open any familial cans of worms. A friend of mine was in a similar position to you a couple of years ago, and the number of people who came begging for handouts was shocking.

I'm sorry to hear about your Mum.

My Dad died a couple of months ago and I’m really sad about it, obviously. I’m in my late forties though and he was in his seventies, so not really really old, but not so young it’s a tragedy territory. Compared to a lot of people, I feel lucky to have had him in my life until the age I am. Also luckily my Mum is still alive and well, so my situation is nothing to do with inheritance.

In the example you give in the OP of your friend’s Dad in his 60s inheriting half a million pound when his parents have died and just wanting them back seems a bit unrealistic. Getting to the age of 60-something and you’re presumably 80- or 90-something parents dying, and leaving you a lot of money is about as lucky as you can get really. They couldn’t be expected to live much longer at all, and you have got loads of money.

I don’t think he’s in a position to feel aggrieved really.

Especially when some people lose parents in childhood and also have no inheritance.

I would rather have an inheritance than my parent back tbh. He died 12 years ago when he was 81. He cut 2 of his 5 children out of his will. I don't think I'm being unreasonable! When he died he only had 2 grandchildren (my children) and an inheritance of any size would have helped us get them through University and all the rest of it. Apparently it costs £180,000 to raise a child to the age of 18. No wonder we are feeling the pinch!

So much bitterness and resentment on MN these days. People who inherit. Boomers. Landlords. Second home owners. Anyone not on the bones of their arse. All should be burned at the stake it seems.

This. 100%. ^

Why all the jealousy and bitterness towards those who have inherited money from family? It's not their fault that their parents accrued a large amount of money.
Nor is it their fault if someone else's parents sadly died young and left nothing.
It's not their fault that some people have low incomes and are not able to getbon the property ladder.
Nor is it their fault that some people choose to piss their money away.
Do you expect then to give the money away to someone who is deemed to be more deserving?

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I think YABU because so many people lose beloved relatives and don’t get any inheritance. So it is a bonus over and above what those people have.

100% this. I can't believe some people are refusing to ADMIT this basic fact.

You can tell who the over-privileged are on this thread.

We would like them to acknowledge that they are fortunate- in spite of their bereavement- to have received an inheritance, when compared with those who suffer the same bereavement and receive nothing.

But as per your PP, some people might think you are fortunate that your mum got to meet your children at all. Maybe someone who lost their mum before they had children and was also left with nothing would think you should acknowledge how fortunate you are.

In your response to a previous poster who had lost both parents pre-kids, you suggested that they had had a better time of it because at least they'd come out with money and would they like to swap?

My Dad never saw me get married or have children. My mum died when my 2nd baby was 8 weeks old and will never meet my third.

I inherited absolutely nothing. I’m still paying off funeral debt now, and my Mum died 18 months ago.

So, would you rather be in your situation, or mine?

Urgh indeed.

Perhaps that poster would have preferred a world where she came out with no money but had another 10 years or whatever of her mum and a chance for her mum to meet her children. In fact I'm sure she would, I know I would. It doesn't matter because life doesn't work like that. But suggesting that you are worse off solely because you weren't left anything ignores the fact that with inheritance comes the loss of a person, often much-loved, and perhaps you having ten more years of however long of your mum is more important than coming out with £200k or whatever.

I'm very sorry you lost your mum and your dad. I've got two pre-school children, one a baby, and lost my mum just a few weeks ago, my husband lost both of his parents before the age of 50 and they left nothing, but I found your response that previous poster in very bad taste.

And I do absolutely believe that being left an inheritance is fortunate. I am not arguing that at all. I feel very fortunate to have a large sum coming my way, it will make our lives a lot easier and give our children a great start in life financially. But suggesting to a PP that they've somehow gotten a better deal in life when you've potentially had 10+ more years of your mum, your mum has got to see you get married or find a life partner, meet two of your children is a bit tone deaf. You've both had a crap time. That PP was more fortunate than you to get money after losing both parents very early, you were more fortunate than them to get more time with your mum and for your mum to get a chance to meet grandchildren. What weight you put on each thing is up to you.

That’s a big assumption. A lot of people work extremely hard in areas where house prices aren’t over inflated over the years

There's no area of the UK where house prices haven't significantly inflated in real terms over recent decades. It's more in some areas than others, of course, but given that people passing down inheritance are overwhelmingly going to have owned their properties for a long time before dying, it isn't an assumption at all that most of it's unearned and driven by house price inflation.

Actually, the poster I was responding to in your quote said

“I've had people tell me I'm so "lucky" because I inherited after losing my mum young and then my dad not long afterwards. Yeah, so I'm so lucky I have no family left arent I? so lucky that my mum never got to see me get married or meet my children, I'm just so damn lucky.”

So as far as I can see, we are both in the same position of having lost both our parents, one of them pre-marriage and children- in my case my Dad, in the other poster’s case her Mum. So far so equal- except she got an inheritance and I did not, and she’s judging those in my position for openly stating we’d prefer to be in hers.

I know I’m lucky that my Mum got to meet two of my DC, even if in the case of my second baby it was only twice. I know that and I’ve never once disputed it, nor judged and looked down on anybody who thinks I’m lucky because their parents never got to meet their DC at all. I feel great sympathy for them and I count my blessings, however few they may appear to me.

That’s the difference.

My mother in law died and it left us poorer.
My mum died and it enabled us to scrape together slightly enough so we could have a baby
Mind fuck though as no mum to share it with.
Doesn't feel that fortunate.

It does make the death easier to deal with. You can pay for grief counselling. If you aren’t coping, you can get signed off work for a while without worrying about being on statutory sick pay and the bills mounting up. You can pay for the funeral you feel your loved one deserved, to give them a proper send off. If you don’t feel you can manage to clear the house, you can pay for a house clearance company. If they owned property that you are selling, you have time, you can do it on your timeline rather than the landlord wanting their stuff out straight away. Even just little things like if you’re struggling, you can rely on a meal delivery service/cook meals and a cleaner. You will still grieve, no doubt about that, but you have options to help you grieve in a healthier and more healing way.

In fairness, it can take 6 months to a year to get the actual money in your account, so in the weeks and first few months after someone has died, it's unlikely to make any material difference to that process (bar the funeral as you can pay for that from the estate). If you had no money on Saturday and your rich grandmother who left everything to you died on Sunday, you'd still have no money on Monday. If you know it's coming, though, you can make financial decisions with that in mind, so you can use savings or whatever knowing they will be replenished at some point.

People need to realise that money can't buy you everything. What good is money when you have no one?
I had a fair few years after my parents died of it being just me. No parents. No siblings. No partner. No children. One uncle who lives abroad. That's it. I would spend almost every evening by myself. No one to call and tell about my day. No one to share stories with. But apparently because I had money that is what matters and I'm lucky? Really? I would have given anything to have a family of my own. But it never happened. I do now have a husband. But couldn't have kids. Spent thousands trying. You hear people say all the time when, for example, a house burns down in a fire, that at least your family are safe etc. That's really what matters etc. Everyone talks about how family is more important than possessions. But yet everyone tells me I'm really lucky because i have money. It used to really hurt to hear that. I once asked a friend if she'd give up her kids in order to have a house because she'd said she'd "give anything" to have what I had. She at least looked a bit embarrassed and said no she was glad she had them and she wouldn't change a thing even though she didn't have much money.
So while it's fine to acknowledge money may make people's lives easier in some way, it doesn't make people happy and it can't buy you what matters.

Losing my relative and then inheriting are two separate things to me. The inheritance didn’t help my grief but it has bought happiness and I’ve been able to help family members with it.
Most people wouldn’t admit this but I feel really lucky to have inherited nearly 100k, I literally can’t believe it most days. I never expected it or made any life plans involving a possible inheritance.
I could have lost my relative and received nothing, obviously inheriting is better.

But who started the thread? Someone who inherited.

There’s this clamouring need in some heirs to humble brag on MN about their inheritance.

And you don’t get any more humble brag than ‘I’d give away all my inheritance to get my relative back for just one day’.

No one’s buying it.

But it is a massive privilege.

Losing someone is difficult regardless of whether you inherit from them or not. But It’s incredibly short sighted to pretend that receiving an inheritance isn’t a privilege (and a little ungrateful if your family member has planned carefully to ensure they leave you something).

You might be incredibly sad at the circumstances leading to an inheritance. But you’d be just as sad without an inheritance… you just won’t have had a leg up financially.