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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that PARTNER is an inclusive word we should use

258 replies

KajsaKavat · 09/08/2023 11:06

Apropos the boyfriend on holiday thread I got a bit shocked how people reacted to OP describing him as partner and calling her out saying due to their ages he can only ever be a boyfriend.

I have teens myself and they all refer to the
person they’re dating as partner.
teens are all about being inclusive and using non gender specific terms, surely this is a good thing.

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 09/08/2023 22:42

Partner, by definitive means someone you share with. So a boyfriend who you don't live with isn't a partner.

CurlewKate · 09/08/2023 22:48

I still want to know- what do you call someone you've been with for 40 years, have children and a house with?

Howmuchfurther · 09/08/2023 22:50

underneaththeash · 09/08/2023 22:42

Partner, by definitive means someone you share with. So a boyfriend who you don't live with isn't a partner.

No it doesn’t.

It doesn’t mean anything. (Apart from legal business partner).

Thats why it’s an emotive thing. Different people in the same relationship think it means different things. It really is not a promise of an intention of permanence. No legal connection. It’s why so many on here get screwed. Bf/gf is more honest, not ambiguous.

Howmuchfurther · 09/08/2023 22:51

CurlewKate · 09/08/2023 22:48

I still want to know- what do you call someone you've been with for 40 years, have children and a house with?

Cock lodger?
Deed sharer?
Sperm donor?
Baby father?
X’s Dad?

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 09/08/2023 22:56

I think people should use the term they want for them and their relationship.

As for the inclusive thing, DS liked to call his boyfriend his boyfriend (when he had one) because Partner makes it sound like he's trying to hide the fact he was in a same sex relationship.

UndercoverCop · 09/08/2023 23:00

I once heard a colleague, lovely but quite prim didn't swear etc, correct someone referring to her 'partner', say "oh no he's not my partner he's just a can't say fuck erm boink buddy". I like it a lot, and it became office shorthand for new boyfriend/girlfriend/FWB who wasn't actually really a friend.

CapEBarra · 09/08/2023 23:01

I love the word ‘partner’. Are we partners in crime? Business partners? Badminton partners? Sexual partners? It’s so mysterious.

Tandora · 09/08/2023 23:05

To me “partner” is short for life partner. I think it’s v weird to refer to your teenagers girlfriend/ boyfriend as their “partner”. If you wanted to be gender neutral you could call them the person your teen is dating or seeing.
teen dating relationships are not partnerships imv.

BogRollBOGOF · 10/08/2023 03:05

Partner for me implies (outside of professional use) sharing of finances, home or a mature couple who would at least consult with each other on significant decisions.

When an OP is asking what to do about her feckless "partner" the practicalities will be assumed around living together and shared finances and advice will gravitate around that assumption. When it turns out that he's barely even made it to "cocklodger" in 3 months, it's simple, dump the bastard and move on. Using "partner" prematurely makes it emotionally harder to sort out poor relationships at an earlier simpler stage.

LIkewise marriage (or civil partnerships) do carry different legal responsibilities. A married father has different rights in registering a birth to an unmarried father. This does matter within the NHS with things like recognising NoK.

Mentally DH went from boyfriend to partner when I moved in after a couple of years. Marriage was a practical change of status in the relationship.

I can understand why some people feel awkward about using boyfriend/ girlfriend in a non-heterosexual relationship, but sometimes it can be very obvious that they're using language skirting around the sex of their partner which can feel clunky and more awkward than if they used regular gendered language and draw more attention to it.

Language has meaning and ignoring meanings and using umbrella terms removes nuance and levels of understanding. That's not often not inclusive.

Merseymum992 · 10/08/2023 04:32

Please no more of this gender inclusive rubbish

yogasaurus · 10/08/2023 04:41

People can say what they want. Yabu

Dacadactyl · 10/08/2023 07:46

CurlewKate · 09/08/2023 22:48

I still want to know- what do you call someone you've been with for 40 years, have children and a house with?

I answered yesterday at 22.09.

I'd suggest boyfriend or girlfriend

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 10/08/2023 07:49

In the 1990's commom-law-Husband , or live in lover .

Soontobe60 · 10/08/2023 07:51

teens are all about being inclusive and using non gender specific terms, surely this is a good thing
If your teen children don’t know whether they’re dating a girl or a boy, they’ve got bigger problems than being seen to be ‘inclusive’. Boy / girl are words used to describe the sex of someone who is not yet an adult. They are not ‘gender specific’ terms.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 10/08/2023 07:52

Please no more of this gender inclusive rubbish.

Well quite. Why on earth shouldn't people use a term for their partner which includes their sex if they want to? Equally, why should people feel they can't call them a partner unless they've been together a particular amount of time? Partner isn't necessarily short for life partner. It could be sexual partner!

NotAMug · 10/08/2023 08:10

Teens are definitely not 'all about non gender specific terms' at all. There are some that have jumped on the band wagon and like to tell people with 40+ years life experience that they know it all when in fact they are being completely ridiculous. Certainly the majority of people (of all ages including teens) do not buy into this nonsense and are happy to refer to people in whatever way they wish to, not to have to be non specific across the board to please a very tiny minority. To me that means being truly inclusive.

Partner to me is someone you are in a long term relationship with, not someone who 16 has been with their BF a year but it really wouldn't cross my mind to have pulled the OP up on it. She wasn't using that terminology to change what her question meant really (I could have understood the pile on if she had used it to describe her own BF who she'd been with for 2 months or something as it changes the relationship in peoples minds if you call someone your partner) but it was obvious what she meant.

CurlewKate · 10/08/2023 08:16

Right. So you think people in their 50s/60s should talk about their boyfriend/girlfriend?
There is no such thing as a common law wife/ husband.
And I'm not sure introducing someone to your boss as your "live in lover" is a good look! Or the plumber- "I won't be in on Thursday, but my live in lover will be there to let you in."

Why do people find the idea of unmarried couples so threatening?

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 10/08/2023 08:35

Back in the 90's the terms common law husband/wife was still used . It did lull people into the false sense that they had some rights . ok we have a term in Scotland called 'bidie- in' for having someone that lives with you . Partner is a fairly new term really .

Tandora · 10/08/2023 08:36

NotAMug · 10/08/2023 08:10

Teens are definitely not 'all about non gender specific terms' at all. There are some that have jumped on the band wagon and like to tell people with 40+ years life experience that they know it all when in fact they are being completely ridiculous. Certainly the majority of people (of all ages including teens) do not buy into this nonsense and are happy to refer to people in whatever way they wish to, not to have to be non specific across the board to please a very tiny minority. To me that means being truly inclusive.

Partner to me is someone you are in a long term relationship with, not someone who 16 has been with their BF a year but it really wouldn't cross my mind to have pulled the OP up on it. She wasn't using that terminology to change what her question meant really (I could have understood the pile on if she had used it to describe her own BF who she'd been with for 2 months or something as it changes the relationship in peoples minds if you call someone your partner) but it was obvious what she meant.

There are some that have jumped on the band wagon and like to tell people with 40+ years life experience that they know it all when in fact they are being completely ridiculous

You are clearly lacking some life experience . Gender diverse people existing 40+ years ago, just as they do today.

GabriellaMontez · 10/08/2023 08:39

Teens do not refer to their boyfriends/girlfriends as 'partner'.

CurlewKate · 10/08/2023 08:41

Yeah- "bidie-in" works well for adult people in a committed relationship.Confused People who don't like "partner" really have to offer an alternative.....

Naunet · 10/08/2023 08:47

Why does everything have to be ‘inclusive’? You’re literally describing YOUR partner/boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, not the whole city, it doesn’t need to include anyone else. Just none existent problems for teenagers to get themselves worked up over.

Naunet · 10/08/2023 08:48

Tandora · 10/08/2023 08:36

There are some that have jumped on the band wagon and like to tell people with 40+ years life experience that they know it all when in fact they are being completely ridiculous

You are clearly lacking some life experience . Gender diverse people existing 40+ years ago, just as they do today.

Show quote history

😂🤣😂 no they didn’t, no man was claiming a dress made him female 40 years ago.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 10/08/2023 08:50

KajsaKavat · 09/08/2023 11:06

Apropos the boyfriend on holiday thread I got a bit shocked how people reacted to OP describing him as partner and calling her out saying due to their ages he can only ever be a boyfriend.

I have teens myself and they all refer to the
person they’re dating as partner.
teens are all about being inclusive and using non gender specific terms, surely this is a good thing.

I don’t think we should police what other ppl call this person in their lives

JustDanceAddict · 10/08/2023 08:52

To me, partner is akin to wife/husband. Long/term probably living together and/or have children together.
Boy/girlfriend is more temporary and for younger people.