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AIBU?

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Original poster

Granparent overreacting?

305 replies

Cantsleep23 · 08/08/2023 22:43

Me and my partner had a baby only 4 months ago and we both said we wouldn't be allowing her to be away from us until we feel ready ourselves, she's my partners first child. My partners stepmum, who he classes as his mum has asked if she can take our daughter out for a few hours to spend some time with her. We have said we are happy for her to come and visit her at our home or we would meet her for tea but would rather she didn't take her out without us until she's older (around the time she wanted to pick her up she would be due a bottle and a sleep) we've tried to be polite and tell her were not ready for her to be away from us yet but she's taken it the totally wrong way and has said "oh so we can only have supervised visits" and "she's our bloody granddaughter" and just not taking our feelings into consideration.
My partner works away Alot so hasn't managed to get the bond with her that he wants so he's wanting to spend as much time with her as he can before he has to work away again and I work part time so I've obviously got the bond with her
Are we being unreasonable with the grandparents for telling them they can spend the time with her while she's with us? They have 3 other grandchildren who they are "popping round to see" so why do they only want to take our baby out for a few hours? We are feeling really under pressure to have to say yes to them and let them take her but we don't want to

OP posts:
JANEY205 · 11/08/2023 12:56

Cantsleep23 · 10/08/2023 15:36

Mil wanted her at a set time on a set day, no compromise, literally her way or no way. We never physically said the word NO to her but gave her the option to come round or even meet us for some food. she lives a good 10 miles away and involves one of us doing a short motorway journey which I was happy to do but it weren't good enough. I have also found out today that the same thing happened with one of her other grandchildren and she wanted to take him off for a few hours and was told he was too young by both his mum and dad and that resulted in mil not talking to them for nearly 2 years
Yes I am happy to pay my children to look after their sister when her dad is away. She is at home last feed around 7.30 belly settled bath and bed. As crazy as it might seem, it's like our baby knows her own routine already and we don't want her routine being disrupted just so mil can have her own way

Really really strange! I have a narcissistic step MIL who overreacts like this and cut us off for a similar slight. It’s been over a year now and we don’t miss her at all and honestly are glad to be drama free! Anyone who can cut their grandchild and child off for 2 years because they were told no isnt someone that should be caring for a baby alone. It shows really worrying personality traits! Please protect your baby and yourself from someone who is happy to trample others and discard them as it suits them. Despicable really and I hope the parents of the other grandchild are wary of her too! I’m sure they are. She is batshit OP and I wouldn’t leave my child with her regardless.

Brokendaughter · 11/08/2023 12:58

It's your choice of course & if you don't feel comfortable then don't do it.
I see why you might not want someone to take your child overnight, but for a couple of hours in the afternoon one day seems a bit mean.

Just don't ask the very people you are actively stopping building a bond with your child for any babysitting in a couple of years time & then post whinging they won't take your child for the day when it suits you.

Family are family all the time, not just when you feel like using them.

JANEY205 · 11/08/2023 12:58

DiabolicalFinial · 11/08/2023 12:37

Where, exactly, did the SMIL want to take your baby (at that precise time/day/etc)? Did you ever find out where/why she wanted to take the other grandchild previously? To not talk to them for 2 years because they said she wasn’t taking out a tiny baby is just bizarre. Stick to your decisions and boundaries, OP - I think you’ll need your wits about you!

I wonder if she wanted to take them somewhere to show them off? The exact time or she has a temper tantrum is really strange. I’d be really wary of this person.

JANEY205 · 11/08/2023 13:00

Brokendaughter · 11/08/2023 12:58

It's your choice of course & if you don't feel comfortable then don't do it.
I see why you might not want someone to take your child overnight, but for a couple of hours in the afternoon one day seems a bit mean.

Just don't ask the very people you are actively stopping building a bond with your child for any babysitting in a couple of years time & then post whinging they won't take your child for the day when it suits you.

Family are family all the time, not just when you feel like using them.

I wouldn’t want someone who cut off their other grandchildren because they couldn’t have them at a specific time looking after my child anyway. Signs of a serious issue with their personality and being unhinged. So I’d have no issues there. And actually it is up to parents when their children go with other people.

phoenixrosehere · 11/08/2023 13:05

Lolaandbehold · 11/08/2023 12:47

Your child, your rules but I think you're being a bit "pfb" about the whole thing. When I opened the thread I assumed you were going to say they wanted her overnight, and you not wanting to wouldn't seem unreasonable at 4 months. But they don't. A few hours while they take her for a walk, to me that would be a godsend. You do you, OP but when the shoe is on the other foot and you need them to help out when she's a bit older, don't expect them to come running.

By the when, when if you ever get to the stage where you have 2 toddlers and 1 newborn, you'll be happily handing the newborn over, at 4 weeks, never mind 4 months! :-)

A few hours while they take her for a walk, to me that would be a godsend. You do you, OP but when the shoe is on the other foot and you need them to help out when she's a bit older, don't expect them to come running.

OP is not you and many other women don’t want to be away from their babies when they’re 4 mo and this SMIL only wants to have said baby on her terms alone and is unwilling to compromise even spending time with baby with its parents present or nearby. It’s not her baby and with the way this woman is having a toddler tantrum over not getting her way, OP wouldn’t want her help anyway. Same SMiL has fallen out with other family members with a baby for the same situation. Anyone with that level entitlement over someone else’s baby doesn’t deserve alone time and shows they can’t be trusted to respect simple boundaries.

jlpth · 11/08/2023 13:06

who the fuck wants to take a 4 month old away from its parents. It’s so utterly weird and controlling when you she can happily and easily go and visit the baby at its home. I remember when my dc were babies, mil and fil loved coming to see them and playing with them. They didn’t want to bugger off with them and without us - why would they?

and the thing that really shows her up for who she is, is her reaction to being told no. Gobbing off.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 11/08/2023 13:07

Lolaandbehold · 11/08/2023 12:47

Your child, your rules but I think you're being a bit "pfb" about the whole thing. When I opened the thread I assumed you were going to say they wanted her overnight, and you not wanting to wouldn't seem unreasonable at 4 months. But they don't. A few hours while they take her for a walk, to me that would be a godsend. You do you, OP but when the shoe is on the other foot and you need them to help out when she's a bit older, don't expect them to come running.

By the when, when if you ever get to the stage where you have 2 toddlers and 1 newborn, you'll be happily handing the newborn over, at 4 weeks, never mind 4 months! :-)

Nope, load of bollocks. I’m certainly not handing over my 4 month old baby just because I have other children too.

There’s nothing PFB about not wanting to be separate from your baby (who doesn’t even know they’re a serrated person from you get).

Can certainly tell you didn’t EBF.

jlpth · 11/08/2023 13:07

It’s a really strange thing, to try and get a little kid away from its mum/household alone. I mean why?? Does she want to parade the baby around or something?

Nosleepforthismum · 11/08/2023 13:12

I have a four month old as well plus a toddler and I think you are crackers. My baby is also super chill and has a routine but it doesn’t matter if we do something outside of that. It’s the beauty of them being so young! Let the MIL have a couple of hours to bond with her. It’s a lot harder to foist a mad 2 year old off on family so you want to encourage all that bonding and love early on …

Abbimae · 11/08/2023 13:14

It’s really odd that some people think that grandparents automatically want alone time for something weird. What is wrong with this world

phoenixrosehere · 11/08/2023 13:20

Nosleepforthismum · 11/08/2023 13:12

I have a four month old as well plus a toddler and I think you are crackers. My baby is also super chill and has a routine but it doesn’t matter if we do something outside of that. It’s the beauty of them being so young! Let the MIL have a couple of hours to bond with her. It’s a lot harder to foist a mad 2 year old off on family so you want to encourage all that bonding and love early on …

OP has older children who help in the care of their 4 mo sibling so your experience is completely different from hers nor does she need/have to let SMIL have anything with the way SMIL is behaving.

Lorey82 · 11/08/2023 13:21

Absolutely not being unreasonable and don’t agree to it if you don’t feel comfortable, little one will probably miss you too. By same token parents who ‘expect’ grandparents to babysit (rather than just spend time with them) are completely unreasonable too. Definitely stand your ground

bitterwithbaggage · 11/08/2023 13:28

Her comment "she's our bloody grandchild" is key isn't it? She doesn't want to help you , she wants to claim her imaginary rights. Stick to your guns. MIL needs to stop playing power games. So what if she has a strop and ignores you for a couple of years - you can't give in to such manipulation.

Fraaahnces · 11/08/2023 13:34

Buy her a Baby Alive to play with.

1mabon · 11/08/2023 13:36

I can't see anything wrong with taking a grandchild out for a walk in the pram for an hour or so.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 11/08/2023 13:37

1mabon · 11/08/2023 13:36

I can't see anything wrong with taking a grandchild out for a walk in the pram for an hour or so.

The harm is that the parents don’t want to be away from their baby, and their baby doesn’t want to be away from them either (baby doesn’t even know they’re a separate person to mum yet).

Caerulea · 11/08/2023 13:38

You're not being unreasonable because she's demanding it for her benefit, not yours. But I do want counter some of the posts -

I've just become a grandma (whoop!!). Son & his girlf are relatively young & the last I saw them both she looked exhausted & low. So at the time I mentioned to her it's ok to feel overwhelmed & a bit 'WTF is going on' & to reach out if she feels alone when son went back to work. I then sent her a message later to say on Monday's I/grandad could come do the food shop at the supermarket next to her house (it's a ways from us) & take baby around with me so she can have a bath, break whatever. Looking at an hour or so just to give her a lil bit of time - she wants to do this. If she changes her mind that's absolutely fine by me, just want her to know it's fine to need a moment to yourself sometimes.

It can be really hard for new mums & they need to know it's alright to feel crap so prolly not a good idea to slam ANY offer from grandparents/family as weird or psycho (not aimed at OP).

amylou8 · 11/08/2023 13:39

I'd throw her gratefully at Grandma and have a lovely break, but that's just me. You've said no, your MIL is understandably hurt and upset, but she needs to respect your decision. Throwing a tantrum isn't going to make you change your mind.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 11/08/2023 13:45

"she's our bloody granddaughter"

That would've finished it for me, permanently. DD would never be alone with them.

FlamingoQueen · 11/08/2023 13:47

Do you think mil is meeting with a friend at that particular time - hence why she’s being so specific?
You are right to say no though, it’s your child.

Lelliekellie · 11/08/2023 13:50

Your the parents. Your say is final. If you don’t want it then it’s a no.
My girls are coming up to 3 (twins) and they have never been babysat/been looked after by anyone other than myself or husband. That’s our choice.

There will also be no extended visits or overnights even when they are older. Each to their own x

StopStartStop · 11/08/2023 13:53

I'm a grandma. You can trust me.
You are the parents. You make the rules. No-one is entitled to time alone with your child. You do what you are comfortable with. Anyone kicking off about that is showing they're not mature enough for grandparenting yet.
The baby isn't a toy for playing with and showing off to grandma's friends.

MinnieGirl · 11/08/2023 13:58

Brokendaughter · 11/08/2023 12:58

It's your choice of course & if you don't feel comfortable then don't do it.
I see why you might not want someone to take your child overnight, but for a couple of hours in the afternoon one day seems a bit mean.

Just don't ask the very people you are actively stopping building a bond with your child for any babysitting in a couple of years time & then post whinging they won't take your child for the day when it suits you.

Family are family all the time, not just when you feel like using them.

OP isn’t stopping MiL building a bond… she has stated numerous times that she is happy to visit or be visited by MiL.. but she’s not happy for MiL to take her baby away. And I don’t blame her….
MiL doesn’t want to bond she wants control…

MeridianB · 11/08/2023 14:00

"oh so we can only have supervised visits" and "she's our bloody granddaughter"

Equals rude and selfish, equals I will be even clearer about saying no until you apologise, remember your manners and put a tiny baby and her parents before your own dolly-time wants.

JFDIYOLO · 11/08/2023 14:01

Why do so many MILs want their sons and DILs out of the way with sole interaction with the baby? It is WEIRD. Stay calm, polite, controlled, reasonable, keep your message clear. Baby's too young at the moment but when she's old enough you'd love some help.

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