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Original poster

Tough bday dilemma WWYD please 11 year old and £100

288 replies

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 19:54

Dd one is 16 and dd 2 nearly 11.

For dd 10th bday we offered her a party or 100 pounds on her bday.. She chose 100 and we went to hamleys.

Dd2 we offered the same. She chose the party. We had an at home party no entrainer, they did crafts and played music... 8 friends. Dd would also have had gifts from us. Dd said we didn't spend 100 on her.

Her bday is soon and she's saying she never got the offer and can she have 100 pounds for her 11th bday.

There 100 figure was really only for this 10th bday because it was a small double figures milestone... And not something I want to give out every year.
I'm uncomfortable that she doesn't trust us when we say she had the offer.

We can give her 100 on her 11th but I'm uncomfortable and feel I would need to record the transaction or get her to agree she wanted it and not a party.

Also just after lock down for her 9rh we did do the really expensive disco party, hall.. Prof cake etc... Which is far more than we everything spent before always had house parties but due to lock down and no parities for 2 year we decided to go for it.

She's extremely sensitive where her sister is concerned and jealous.

I'm not sure how e to proceed. Perhaps I'm over thinking it and should just give her the 100.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/08/2023 07:23

@BirthdayComplication yes the book is excellent also after that one read "Siblings without rivalry".

CaramelicedLatte · 09/08/2023 07:24

This is nothing to do with the money, and it certainly doesn’t have anything to do with your brother.

What you have here is an insecure child who is constantly comparing her lot to her older sister’s and finding herself wanting. Not surprising, because if you go back and read your own posts carefully, you’ll see you compare your daughters throughout. I don’t think you do it deliberately, but children pick up on this easily, especially if they are ‘very sensitive.’

You’ve described your older child as ‘placid, laid back, easy and academically successful.’ Meanwhile your younger is ‘sensitive, possibly sen, like your brother (who you dislike).

It’s not about the party, or the £100. It’s about the fact that she feels she doesn’t get treated fairly. Which, in fairness to the girl, doesn’t sound entirely inaccurate.

If there are discrepancies in their treatment, and it’s building resentment between them (it also sounds like this is the case) then I think your best course of action is to have an open conversation with her and explain why some things are different (different isn’t always bad, but kids can misconstrue).

None of that means you need to give her £100 this year, but you do need to be very careful that whatever choice you make doesn’t lead to her feeling more rejected.

Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 09/08/2023 07:42

I'm actually wondering if some of this is coming from her time with mil a awhile ago because she did used to openly talk in terms of comparison and did it with dh and his sister..
We definitely don't compare or treat them different as much as we can ie it's something we are and have been conscious of

OP posts:
Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 09/08/2023 07:48

@RandomMess brilliant thanks, it's free on kindle I've got it.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 09/08/2023 07:51

God it's painful to read the lengths you are going to to fret over this. You gave her £50 and a party, it's highly unlikely the party cost less than £50. This does not need pandering to at all. You should have just told her it did cost that much, and if she won't stop going on about it and being ungrateful there will be nothing this year. Then move on.

JMSA · 09/08/2023 08:09

Unless you're skint, £100 isn't much. I think making them choose between a party or presents is also incredibly mean.

Loz2323 · 09/08/2023 10:32

Good lord, just tell her she made her choice and that's it end of! Like it or lump it, tell her there will be no further discussion on it and if she tries tell her you will not engage. Be the parent!

Sewerdrain · 09/08/2023 10:53

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Sewerdrain · 09/08/2023 10:56

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Kerri44 · 09/08/2023 10:59

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 20:05

The now 16 year old chose the 100 and wash taken to the hamleys... Dd2 when she was 10 chose the party.

Unfortunately it's playing in her nind and has been and she winter drop it. She's been mentioning it on and off for weeks but tonight she's now asked for 100.

She's 11, I'd not be held to financial ransom by an 11yr old, she's had her 10th birthday which you say you did that far so it's done with....I'd certainly not give in

Floralnomad · 09/08/2023 11:01

Loz2323 · 09/08/2023 10:32

Good lord, just tell her she made her choice and that's it end of! Like it or lump it, tell her there will be no further discussion on it and if she tries tell her you will not engage. Be the parent!

This .

Rubyupbeat · 09/08/2023 11:08

But surely your children know you would only treat them both the same? Or do you ?

Padz · 09/08/2023 11:09

Omg sensitive or not, we all know the cost of things and a party, even a low cost crafty one can well cost over £100, that aside she made her choice and she has to be told that in life we have to live with the choices we make.
I have given all my children choices from an early age and they deal with the consequences of whether it’s right or wrong (sounds harsh but I’m not talking life changing choices 😆).

Sewerdrain · 09/08/2023 11:10

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hot2trotter · 09/08/2023 11:11

Jeez you're letting her walk all over you. So you're now either going to give her the 100 to shut her up or somehow find "evidence" of what happened. Get a grip. You're the parent here! Put a stop to the nonsense before it gets much worse (and it will) - your word is final, whether she believes it or not. End of.

hot2trotter · 09/08/2023 11:11

Floralnomad · 09/08/2023 11:01

This .

Show quote history

Said better than me. Spot on!

Northernladdette · 09/08/2023 11:12

Ohmylovejune · 08/08/2023 20:09

Maybe she thinks this is the choice at each birthday, and wants option 2 for her 11th.

No, that was a special one
Next special one is 18.

This ^

weirdoboelady · 09/08/2023 11:16

I haven't read the whole thread (but quite a bit of it, and all the OP). I haven't seen my viewpoint expressed before.

I am obviously ignoring all the stuff about sister envy, which seems to have been addressed well in other posts.

I see DD's POV, although it is sad that it indicates a lack of trust for the parents, as you've already told her you spent £100. I see it as a natural enquiring mind, and I'd have problems getting my head around the idea that a party had cost £100 (and it might not have done, in fact, if the DD was given a cash present as well). I would ask the DD to cost out a party themself, remembering last year's party, and see how much it comes to. Why should you as the parent have the stress of remembering this? If you get DD to list what she remembers, you could cost it together (remember to include her present, she will remember this better than you do).

A great lesson in budgeting for DD2, and hopefully she will come out the other side realising that you spent quite a lot on her (I think it will come out to more than £100, and you can stress that it cost a lot in time spent planning as well) and reassure her that she is loved equally with her sister. Also, when it comes to more than £100, as it surely will, tell her you are allowing for inflation, to be fair. This should reassure DD1 in the event there is any kickback!

Yes, it's materialistic, but celebrate DD2's enquiring mind and wanting to unpick the maths!

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 09/08/2023 11:17

FFS let it go. She's 10 years old! You're the parent. Tell her she had the choice at the time, she chose a party, END OF DISCUSSION.

It's not fair to your oldest to give your youngest 100 quid for her 11th if she didn't receive it. Just because she's henpecked you over it. What kind of example is that?

Moveoverdarlin · 09/08/2023 11:20

Do whatever you like. You’re in charge. She’s 11. Next time she’s recording how much you spend say ‘Carry on like this, and you’ll have absolutely nothing. You sound very ungrateful. Every time you bring up your birthday, or cash, or presents or parties, you’ll have ten pound knocked off what we’ll spend.’

nidgey · 09/08/2023 11:21

Your dd is clearly a bit insecure and focussing on this as a way of trying to feel 'equal' to her sister.

I'd say there's a few things you could do, but you'll need to get to the bottom of why she wants the £100:

  1. If it's because she thinks it's more 'valuable' than the party then really over-do the receipts thing - show her how much time goes into a party, what your hourly rate is, how many gifts she got, and how, in purely monetary terms she actually got 'more'
  2. If she just wants the feeling of spending £100 in one go then tell her if she really wants the £100 to splurge, she can earn it - put a value on specific household tasks and if she's good at art (I think you said she is) ask her to do drawings/paintings and buy one or two from her, or pay her to put on a dance performance - make it clear this is a once-off! It could help her self-esteem as well if she sees how her talents are appreciated.
  3. If it's because deep down she feels the older sister 'gets' more then try to do things together more - you and the two girls, or the whole family that isn't focussed on money. Do that anyway.
  4. In general, I'd see if you can encourage your 16 yo to have a regular day/evening/afternoon out with the 10 yo, go to the cinema or even for a walk or a night they make dinner together - some special sibling time
  5. Try to encourage her to do activities that are focussed on helping someone else or caring for something - it could be as simple as a plant or helping you with shopping or an elderly person. It might shake her out of brooding about what she has or doesn't have or get
Ijustdontcare · 09/08/2023 11:24

BirthdayComplication · 09/08/2023 07:42

I'm actually wondering if some of this is coming from her time with mil a awhile ago because she did used to openly talk in terms of comparison and did it with dh and his sister..
We definitely don't compare or treat them different as much as we can ie it's something we are and have been conscious of

Almost every post you have made here you have been comparing them and DD2 comes off the worst in your words. Don't try and shift the blame onto your MIL for your parenting. You gave her the choice of the £100 or a party, everyone knows that she was expecting a party equivalent of £100 not just some mates round doing some crafts.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 09/08/2023 11:28

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 20:13

Christmas she's working out how much it cost us... I hsd an folder brother like this and I'm concerned it will turn into something she will always feel hard done by with.

????

GoodChat · 09/08/2023 11:29

@Bogofftosomewherehot maybe signify what your question marks mean - as everyone else understands and OP has gone into detail about her brother

Mumwithbaggage · 09/08/2023 11:34

Did your dd have a London day out as well as the £100 to spend in Hamley's? Lunch? Big ice cream?

I think the initial problem was stating a monetary amount.