Tough bday dilemma WWYD please 11 year old and £100

[BirthdayComplication]

Dd one is 16 and dd 2 nearly 11.

For dd 10th bday we offered her a party or 100 pounds on her bday.. She chose 100 and we went to hamleys.

Dd2 we offered the same. She chose the party. We had an at home party no entrainer, they did crafts and played music... 8 friends. Dd would also have had gifts from us. Dd said we didn't spend 100 on her.

Her bday is soon and she's saying she never got the offer and can she have 100 pounds for her 11th bday.

There 100 figure was really only for this 10th bday because it was a small double figures milestone... And not something I want to give out every year.
I'm uncomfortable that she doesn't trust us when we say she had the offer.

We can give her 100 on her 11th but I'm uncomfortable and feel I would need to record the transaction or get her to agree she wanted it and not a party.

Also just after lock down for her 9rh we did do the really expensive disco party, hall.. Prof cake etc... Which is far more than we everything spent before always had house parties but due to lock down and no parities for 2 year we decided to go for it.

She's extremely sensitive where her sister is concerned and jealous.

I'm not sure how e to proceed. Perhaps I'm over thinking it and should just give her the 100.

@Bluebirds1987

Thank you... Yes totally agree with that.

I will need to dig back to photos and provide evidence of the presents she got into addition to her party etc.

And explain that to work.

@RandomMess no but I've heard about it.

I assume you have read it?

And you definitely think it will help here?

‘Oh sweetie, you wish now you’d chosen the money hey? You regret the decision you made to have a party instead and wish you could get a do over? It was a special choice for your tenth birthday and now you’re nearly 11. I wish i could just wave a magic wand and go back in time so you could get that choice again for your tenth birthday. I know you had a lovely time at your party and loved doing the crafts with your friends and it’s ok to wonder what the other choice would have been like too. It’s only a special choice we give in our family for tenth birthdays so isn’t going to happen again. Now when it’s your 11th birthday shall we have pizza or steak for dinner?’

The monetary value of the party doesn’t matter. She had a choice - £100 or a party - she chose the party. Now she wishes she’d done something different. That’s ok, but she made the choice. The thing happened. Another time she can make a different choice. It doesn’t mean she gets to get more and more just because she demands it. It’s fine if she feels big emotions about it - it still doesn’t change that the choice happened.

It also doesn’t matter what her sister chose. They had the same options; they chose differently. What she got has nothing to do with her sister - the thing that needed to be the same was the options they got in the first place, and those were. You already made it fair.

I should really read the full thread before commenting but I’m sorry my mind is made up. You’re bringing up your children to be materialistic even though you’re uncomfortable about it. My granddaughter is approaching her 10th birthday. I’d be disgusted if she was negotiating a financial deal for her birthday. I’m afraid the saying “you’ve made a rod for your own back” is shouting out from your post .

@Puzzledandpissedoff

My phone changes what I want to say in what I don't want it too. She has never counted presents or worked out what Xmas cost.

@Efficaciou5 this was supposed to be a one off surprise for their 10th bday.. Go wild with some money for once and buy what you like.

My dc have had extremely modest gifts before and after....

She does not have a diagnosis, but something is clearly amiss. She obsesses about perceived slights until she actually believes they happened. Is always ready to assume the worst in people. Very jealous.

I have wondered about (actual) narcissistic personality disorder. My extensive reading on various ND traits made me wonder about ADHD and specifically about rejection sensitive dysphoria (not a stand alone condition).

Does any of that ring a bell with your brother?

Thanks for replying, I've never come across anyone else in my position before.

I'm NC with sister, and pretty much NC with my mum, though that makes me feel guilty as she has dementia. But she would never have said her treatment of me was wrong, even on the few occasions I cried in front of her (which she'd then, conveniently, forget about). My turning point was when I was finally able to take my dd to meet her (at 5 months' old, thanks to Covid). Despite knowing I'd spend 4 months in Lockdown and knowing how hard it is to be a FTM, she still insisted that week was all about what my sister wanted. I was allowed to go and see friends, but only briefly as that would upset sister. Despite seeing me sobbing 3 times, and knowing I was crying myself to sleep every night, she still wouldn't stand up for me. I couldn't let this behaviour trickle down to the next generation plus, by then, I realised I'd taken whatever hurt to protect my daughter and couldn't understand why she wouldn't.

Things would have been different if she'd learnt to not pander to my sister years ago.

@BirthdayComplication I don’t think you have to do this at all. You don’t have to justify the cost to her or provide her with an itemised receipt. That’s just teaching her to be mercenary’s

The thing they got as equal was the choice of £100 or party. You gave that to both of them. They had the equal choice. They just chose differently. Now she knows that another time she’ll choose the money.

@Yourebeingtooloud... There was never an option of party or money before.

This year she's now asked for 100.

Unless the party consisted of a packet of rich tea and a game of pin the tail on the donkey I'd bet it cost more than £100. Especially with food and craft sets for 8 kids. Not to mention decorations etc.

Oh I see, got it wrong way round.

@PrimalOwl10 give it a rest. Just because your 10YO and her mates wouldn't enjoy a completely normal and appropriate party doesn't mean OP's daughter is the same. And pretty sure she would have mentioned it if that was the case.

I'm convinced my sister is a narcissist. And yes, she's also very jealous and hates me having, or doing, something she hasn't got or hasn't done. I only told my mum I was going to America a week before I went as I knew my sister couldn't get over there in that time. She wasn't happy I went there before her, and with 10 years between us there's not much she hasn't done first.

No I know that. That’s why you hold the boundary. “It was for your tenth birthday. You’d like to do over but that isn’t an option because it’s not your tenth birthday again.” You don’t give her £100 because she’s creating now about a choice she made a year ago. You help her understand it’s ok to regret decisions and to learn from that - another time IF she’s given a similar option she might have realised that she’d prefer to chose the money over the experience.

@stickygotstuck

I think I was prompted tp read about it sensitive rejection disorder....

Not sure dB is narrastic..... Could be as his thoughts don't stray far from himself....

But I think other stuff at play as well.... He's just always woe is me and people feel sorry for him but then he's been more vicious to others than people to him Incl dv.

In which case she's correct?

What did you spend on the party?

I'm nc with db it's impossible to have relations because he will be fine and lovely and suddenly go onto a wheel about how I had it good and had this advantage and that advantage etc. And go on and on and on and obsessed with it... And it's simply not true and upsetting to hear for me.

FWIW, may be nothing at all, I’ve got a sibling who has always had a bit of an internal ledger running. I recognise the mistrust and calculations you’ve described. It’s dreary to listen to/watch. I can’t be bothered with it and ironically, they’ve always ended up getting way more out of my folks than any of the rest of us have. So in one way it’s worked in their favour but in others it’s caused a lot of unnecessary tension. I’ve always shut this shit down immediately with my kids and I certainly wouldn’t fancy being held to ransom by one of my kids. If she were mine I’d be having a chat not about who’s getting what but how life isn’t a account balance, it’s not very pleasant to be that way inclined and doesn’t lead to happiness ultimately.

The amount doesn’t actually matter though. The choice was £100 or a party, not £100 or a party to the value of £100. By getting hung up on how much the party cost, op will just be feeding into the dd’s perception of it all. She was treated fairly because she was given the SAME CHOICE as her sister.

OP’s daughter has learnt a valuable lesson that for her, cold hard cash is worth more than experiences.

Is it the fact that dsis got £100 and presents but she got an inexpensive party so say £40 plus presents and she's just realised she got less spent on her?

Yes, I'm going to go back through tomorrow there have been lots of useful comments.

I need to be v carful how I handle this.... V careful.

The biggest issue is her jealousy of sister and one issue which we don't mention at all is ds is doing incredibly well academic wise but dc2 has struggled.

We've all been worked so hard to help her and her progress really is brilliant and we are helping her to develop lots of creative sides but dd1 really is extremely bright, amazing reader etc whilst dd2 doesn't take in info in the same way.

We have never mentioned it confront of rhe and always been extremely positive about dd2 achievement and she works really hard etc but I about down the line how things may play out am worried

Down the line how this may play out... Esp as dc1 on course to get 8s and 9s....

Dc2 is doing lots of creative stuff and seems v talented at dance and acting etc.

I also feel dc1 never approaches her to spend time with her and yet dc adores big sister... But as far as siblings go they do get on very well.

@becarefulofyourheart

Yes this is the far bigger issue I need to address.

With my db he is monet obsessed and is so admiring of anyone with money be it crook or whoever and he's so admiring of my uncle who really had an already success business handed to him on a plate and loads of cash but my df had a totally different route but his fortune went very high then very low but I appreciate the culture and education my df passed on.

Db doesn't care about culture, books, theatre... Only that uncle had more ££

I think you need a serious conversation with her about how money is not a signifier of love and that obsessing about it corrodes relationships.

As an answer though, next your give your 17 year old a party (or similar, sleepover / trip out, but don’t fgs tell them what it cost) and your 11 year old £100.

Then they’ll each have had £100, and each had a party.

He doesn't care for art... Definitely not monet obsessed.