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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tough bday dilemma WWYD please 11 year old and £100

288 replies

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 19:54

Dd one is 16 and dd 2 nearly 11.

For dd 10th bday we offered her a party or 100 pounds on her bday.. She chose 100 and we went to hamleys.

Dd2 we offered the same. She chose the party. We had an at home party no entrainer, they did crafts and played music... 8 friends. Dd would also have had gifts from us. Dd said we didn't spend 100 on her.

Her bday is soon and she's saying she never got the offer and can she have 100 pounds for her 11th bday.

There 100 figure was really only for this 10th bday because it was a small double figures milestone... And not something I want to give out every year.
I'm uncomfortable that she doesn't trust us when we say she had the offer.

We can give her 100 on her 11th but I'm uncomfortable and feel I would need to record the transaction or get her to agree she wanted it and not a party.

Also just after lock down for her 9rh we did do the really expensive disco party, hall.. Prof cake etc... Which is far more than we everything spent before always had house parties but due to lock down and no parities for 2 year we decided to go for it.

She's extremely sensitive where her sister is concerned and jealous.

I'm not sure how e to proceed. Perhaps I'm over thinking it and should just give her the 100.

OP posts:
Mumwithbaggage · 09/08/2023 11:35

Plus kids never appreiate all the time, effort and planning that goes into a party because we work hard to make them look effortless.

RunningFromInsanity · 09/08/2023 11:37

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 20:13

Christmas she's working out how much it cost us... I hsd an folder brother like this and I'm concerned it will turn into something she will always feel hard done by with.

I would say if she mentions money or gifts again, she won’t be getting anything.
She sounds like a very spoilt child.

viques · 09/08/2023 11:37

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 20:12

@Whataretheodds she's an extremely sensitive child and this is why I'm canvasing for others opinions.

We tried to shut it down but she's not an easy child to shut things down with.

What happened on DD1 s eleventh birthday? Whatever happened then happens with DD2 on her 11th. .

The next big birthday is 18.

viques · 09/08/2023 11:44

Another thought. Does she have a child credit card like one of those Henry ones.? If you negotiate a monthly allowance ( dependent on chores or not as you see fit), and agree what she needs to pay out of there, (ie we will pay for school clothes /shoes but you need to buy your own shower gel/ shampoo/ make up bits, we will pay for transport to school , but if you want to meet your friends for a coffee on a Saturday afternoon that comes out of your allowance.You might need to get very specific with her). Maybe she just needs to have some money that is under her control and learn exactly how much things cost.

Genevieva · 09/08/2023 11:49

You need to deal with the jealousy, not pander to it. Every child is different. Your circumstances from one year to the next are different. It was a weird choice to give your 10 year olds, but it is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.

Genevieva · 09/08/2023 11:52

My advice is to work on positive dispositions:

  • seeing the good in people (including remembering how much her parents do for her every day and that they are just trying their best).
  • understanding that life isn’t always fair in terms of like-for-like equality, but we can be grateful for what we have.
  • finding joy in small everyday things, including others’ successes and good luck.
  • looking out for others.
Yetanothernewname101 · 09/08/2023 11:55

You've been very fair in giving the same offer to both girls for their 10th birthday. Presumably for every other birthday they get very similar things and are treated equally.
You need to sit her down and tell her for one final time that she chose the party last year. For her 10th birthday. This year for her 11th this is going to happen. End of conversation. And be strong in telling her that there is nothing more to discuss. You have, and continue to, treat them both equally.
I suspect she's feeling in her sisters shadow academically and is trying to be 'top' or 'the winner' in another aspect of life that she thinks she can control.

Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 09/08/2023 11:56

@weirdoboelady @nidgey.. Great advice there thank you.

Lots of helpful posts.

OP posts:
Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 09/08/2023 11:58

Re Christmas, it's never been an issue I did explain that was a typo.

Doesn't was changed to does...

Again hood tips there Geneva.

OP posts:
nidgey · 09/08/2023 12:08

BirthdayComplication · 09/08/2023 11:56

@weirdoboelady @nidgey.. Great advice there thank you.

Lots of helpful posts.

You're welcome - sorry I wrote a bit of an essay. But while others are saying she's bratty and spoilt, as her mum presumably ultimately you're trying to get her to develop better values and maybe a more robust and less materialistic attitude. That'll take a while I'd imagine, so meanwhile don't give her the 100 (but as I said maybe let her 'earn' it). Kids of that age can often be very acquisitive and materialistic and of course sibling rivalry can be a massive issue. But if her teachers have said she's pleasant at school etc I'm sure she's a nice kid, just a bit too fixated on this and a bit insecure.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/08/2023 12:09

@BirthdayComplication

just tell her you have no more to say on the matter and don’t engage any further on it.
job done

ASGIRC · 09/08/2023 12:10

Shut this down by telling her love doesnt come in numbers.
Also, that she had the option, she chose the party. The fact that she regrets choosing the party is neither here not there. It is done. There is no £100 to spend anywhere.

Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 09/08/2023 12:14

@nidgey thanks..

We are not a very materialist family at, all..
All sorts of things come into play don't they.

The crux is her comparing herself to her sister and that's the core of it.

OP posts:
MammaTo · 09/08/2023 12:14

She’ll be calculating how much she should be getting in line with inflation next.
Don’t give it anymore discussion time.
She needs to be told if she brings it up one more time there’ll be no gifts for her next birthday, don’t be dictated to by a 10 year
old.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/08/2023 12:20

She sounds like a conniving child to be honest with you. You should make it clear when and what she gets party/presents and make it clear that’s what’s chosen by her is the final thing she has. That she shouldn’t compare herself to your elder DD.

You really need to knock this on the head now. I had a younger friend who was the younger by a few years to her older sister and was spoiled by her parents. One year as her dad’s business didn’t do well she got less than she expected for Christmas and was straight to me and my DB and anyone who’d listen tantrumming about it at 16 years old. Now she’s got DC of her own she’s told me she’s mortified by how she behaved but said her parents spoiled her ask they had far less growing up.

Genevieva · 09/08/2023 12:29

I don’t think your daughter is conniving or spoilt or any of the other negative things written here. She might have had buyer’s regret after the party was over. That’s a life lesson about the pleasure gained from transient experiences verses material possessions. But mostly I think she is stuck in a rut on a particular thought pattern and needs help getting out of it.

nidgey · 09/08/2023 12:33

BirthdayComplication · 09/08/2023 12:14

@nidgey thanks..

We are not a very materialist family at, all..
All sorts of things come into play don't they.

The crux is her comparing herself to her sister and that's the core of it.

Yes, and it's hard. If you can encourage them to spend time together or to do nice things for each other/the family then it might help? I think being the younger isn't always easy, so if you can find a way to help her contribute in some way it could be good for her self esteem and long-term sense of herself as someone who can contribute (as well as receive).

HoppingPavlova · 09/08/2023 12:33

I’ve read all OP’s comments but still can’t work it out. Did you spend 100 on the party or not? That’s pretty much what it boils down to. If offered 100 or a party then the clear expectation is that the 100 would be put towards the party if not given over. Simply, was this the case or not?

RandomMess · 09/08/2023 12:38

@BirthdayComplication the book will help you deal with the jealousy issue.

They are incredibly good.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 09/08/2023 12:56

I don’t think it’s about her not previously getting a £100. I think it’s more about her now expecting £100. I have my son a lot of money for his 13th as it’s a special
birthday. The next year he expected it again.

LAMPS1 · 09/08/2023 12:58

Teach your children that it should never be about how much money is spent on them, it’s about how much you love and care for them. And until they can realise that, they are likely to be forever disappointed and unhappy.

ShouldGoToBed · 09/08/2023 13:02

Could you find a time to snuggle up together just the two of you when the others are all out and have a proper heart to heart chat to try get to the source of her feelings about it? Or take her out somewhere nice that doesn’t cost anything, for some time together? Maybe she just needs to feel like she’s special and important to you.

Radiohat · 09/08/2023 13:30

This sounds spectacularly ridiculous -

I would be frank !

This is how brats are made - just say No and " stop asking"

Iwasafool · 09/08/2023 13:31

The bit I feel is a bit unfair is £100 would have bought a lot more six years ago than it would now, or last year. I can't remember inflation rates over the last six years but things have certainly increased so I would have taken that into account.

I just googled it and it says you'd need over £139 now to match £100 six years ago. So the same amount of money but very different value.

DottyLottieLou · 09/08/2023 13:43

Tell her to stop being so ungrateful or she'll get nothing.

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