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Original poster

Tough bday dilemma WWYD please 11 year old and £100

288 replies

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 19:54

Dd one is 16 and dd 2 nearly 11.

For dd 10th bday we offered her a party or 100 pounds on her bday.. She chose 100 and we went to hamleys.

Dd2 we offered the same. She chose the party. We had an at home party no entrainer, they did crafts and played music... 8 friends. Dd would also have had gifts from us. Dd said we didn't spend 100 on her.

Her bday is soon and she's saying she never got the offer and can she have 100 pounds for her 11th bday.

There 100 figure was really only for this 10th bday because it was a small double figures milestone... And not something I want to give out every year.
I'm uncomfortable that she doesn't trust us when we say she had the offer.

We can give her 100 on her 11th but I'm uncomfortable and feel I would need to record the transaction or get her to agree she wanted it and not a party.

Also just after lock down for her 9rh we did do the really expensive disco party, hall.. Prof cake etc... Which is far more than we everything spent before always had house parties but due to lock down and no parities for 2 year we decided to go for it.

She's extremely sensitive where her sister is concerned and jealous.

I'm not sure how e to proceed. Perhaps I'm over thinking it and should just give her the 100.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 08/08/2023 23:26

sorry she sounds like shes just jealous and being a brat over it

she doesnt think she got the same deal who is she veruca salt

ReturnoftheMuck · 08/08/2023 23:32

Sounds like a discussion we had with our 6 year old today which we had to stand firm on.

Just remind her of what the options were - even if you didn't spend £100, I assume it was posed as £100 or a party and you also gave her £50. Once you've reminded her, tell her you won't be discussing it anymore and shut it down, each and every time it is mentioned. Let her strop, tell her you can see how she feels it's unfair to her but the choice was hers and both had the same opportunity. It would be unfair if your eldest only got £100 when your 11 year old had her party, plus £50 but now also wants £100 this birthday.

I'm not judging you, because it can be difficult but it sounds like you're not fully shutting this down which allows her to come back, perhaps tiptoeing around her a little and it's not helpful. She'll just turn into an adult with an axe to grind all the time if you don't start being a bit firmer.

Imagine she's a tricky customer and you're sticking to company policy, be polite but firm.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 08/08/2023 23:34

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 23:17

Yes, I'm going to go back through tomorrow there have been lots of useful comments.

I need to be v carful how I handle this.... V careful.

The biggest issue is her jealousy of sister and one issue which we don't mention at all is ds is doing incredibly well academic wise but dc2 has struggled.

We've all been worked so hard to help her and her progress really is brilliant and we are helping her to develop lots of creative sides but dd1 really is extremely bright, amazing reader etc whilst dd2 doesn't take in info in the same way.

We have never mentioned it confront of rhe and always been extremely positive about dd2 achievement and she works really hard etc but I about down the line how things may play out am worried

Are you saying that dd2 gets praised in front of dd1 but never the other way round for fear of upsetting dd2? I know it's hard but this could easily be upsetting for dd1. They're both good at different things, they're different achievements should be praised similarly.

stickygotstuck · 08/08/2023 23:43

@TimeIhadaNameChange there are many of us, I've realised over the years.

I'm almost 50 and it's become something I wonder idly about sometimes but I don't really care what it is anymore, I've accepted I'll never understand it. And my main aim is to stop it affecting me and my DC anymore. It did, so very badly, for many years when I could think of little else.

The experiences and the pain are there, but a line must be drawn. In my case, I'd most likely be NC with sister if it weren't for DNs when younger.

FWIW, in my experience whatever the condition is, it gets worse with age. So NC sounds like a good move in your case.

fuchiaknickers · 08/08/2023 23:44

I don’t think it’s necessary to jump to conclusions about SEN, but if you really want to I’d honestly look more into ASD than ADHD.

Isitthathardtobekind · 08/08/2023 23:45

IveHadItUpToHere · 08/08/2023 22:24

You're constantly comparing her to your brother - whom you dislike. You need to stop that. You have to deal with your issues with your brother and stop projecting them on to your child.

I agree. I also agree that you just need to stop over thinking and tell your daughter no to the 100 on her 11th. You are the adult. Children need boundaries and shouldn’t get to dictate what they are. This won’t help her in the long term.

Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 23:45

@fuchiaknickers why do you say that please

OP posts:
Confused2990 · 08/08/2023 23:47

I have a DD the same age who is turning 10 soon. 10 for us is a big birthday.

which you clearly highlight it is in your house to. I think the issue is linked to her 9th birthday she can tell her 9th was more expensive so it probably confused by the whole 100.00 situation - she probablr when chose a party expected it to be similar to her 9th . So when the party fell short of that she was like why did I sacrifice the money 🤣.
i wouldn’t give in to her now though

curaçao · 08/08/2023 23:47

Ypu just say ' you are lucky tk get anything, lot's don't.If you are going to be so ungrateful or you might find yourself with nothing next year'

mcfartface · 08/08/2023 23:55

You're the parent, she's an excited 10 Yr old, you should sit down with her and talk about what she'd like to do this year...birthdays are special coz you get to do something you don't usually do like a family trip somewhere or choose a favourite meal and your family and friends show you how special you are to them, she needs some guidance about what she can ask for and make it fun, not about how much cash you spend, give her some ideas.

SisterWedge · 09/08/2023 00:06

If you don't give her £100 what do you plan to give her for her birthday?

I'd give her the money if you can afford it. Sounds like she regrets choosing the party (fair enough) and likes the idea of spending it herself. If you can't afford it tell her and help her set her expectations.

Kids see injustice in daft things I wouldn't start giving her unhelpful labels as it will just support her feeling of inferiority compared to her big sis.

Maray1967 · 09/08/2023 00:12

Ohmylovejune · 08/08/2023 20:05

You tell DD2 she wanted a party and gifts. Her choice. That's what she got. Can't imagine a party for 8 plus gifts would have been less than 100, not that it matters, she got the deal she wanted and partied are time consuming

Now she can wait for the next milestone birthday, whenever that is. 18, perhaps.

You are making a rod for your own back with all this varying negotiation.

This. You need to stand firm on this or she will have you over a barrel. How on earth can she know exactly what you spent? State firmly that you spent at least the same and she had what she chose. End of.

I would make it clear that if she continues to complain she will get nothing this year. And I would mean it.

Testina · 09/08/2023 01:12

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 20:12

@Whataretheodds she's an extremely sensitive child and this is why I'm canvasing for others opinions.

We tried to shut it down but she's not an easy child to shut things down with.

Of course she’s not easy to shut down when she knows just how easy it is to wear you down.
This is ridiculous. You need to be an adult here and say, “no.” End of. This is pathetic, considering caving to a young child.

Testina · 09/08/2023 01:13

curaçao · 08/08/2023 23:47

Ypu just say ' you are lucky tk get anything, lot's don't.If you are going to be so ungrateful or you might find yourself with nothing next year'

Well, I said just say no - but, I’m liking this!

Confused2990 · 09/08/2023 01:27

On another note I realise she is now coming up to 11 so this wasn’t directly after her birthday and she would like 100.00 for her birthday ?
i don’t think this is an unreasonable gift to ask for if she isn’t having a birthday party and my guess she would get presents ? So if she wants money instead of presents 100,00 doesn’t seem OTT in terms of what you can buy these days.

BrawnWild · 09/08/2023 05:50

Why do you feel so guilty and like you need to pander to this crap?

She made a choice, everyone knows that. Shes gaslighting and exploiting you to get more- because she is a child and children always want more.

Its fucking ridiculous to go digging around for receipts to justify yourself.

Her poor sister is going to be the one who grows up sensitive. As a parent, you have a responsibility to sometimes just give the hard line - she had a choice, she regrets it, nothing to be done now, move on. And in your shoes I would consider telling her that if she keeps moaning about it you'll work out the full cost of the party and anything over £100 will come off her xmas presents.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 09/08/2023 06:08

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 23:04

@Yourebeingtooloud... There was never an option of party or money before.

This year she's now asked for 100.

I think she’s just trying it on, and you are encouraging her by letting her keep asking.

JudesBiggestFan · 09/08/2023 06:19

I don't really understand...surely you spend at least £100 on her birthday anyway? Any party is usually in addition to presents, not instead of? Or did she have a party and then nothing to open on the day? Feels very mean if so! And did she only get the offer of a party at the age of 10? What happens every other year? Plus £100...I just spent £250 on a bog standard soft play party for for my six year old so I don't understand what kind of party you get for £100! So many questions.

ithinkhesawus · 09/08/2023 06:25

Hold firm. It would be very unfair to just give her £100

Doingmybest12 · 09/08/2023 06:46

You don't seem convinced in your own mind that what you gave was fair and equitable, it seems like you were happy to give more cash to the oldest because arranging a party is hard work ,so you've factored the work in to the spends/effort for dd10. Not sure if this is right. I do think she sounds grabby etc but you made it her business when you gave the options you gave. Yes she should just be grateful etc but she's 10 and not very sophisticated. So I'd take back some control and talk about her birthday last year and say if you think you still owe her, could be £20.00. Then say that's all done, you've sorted out the 10th birthday issue and then say there's not the same offer again. You are in a pickle as you aren't sure what you've done was OK. I'm surprised I'm saying come to a compromise but you've got to be confident in your own mind to hold the line.

Doingmybest12 · 09/08/2023 06:48

I wouldn't find receipts.

bellac11 · 09/08/2023 07:04

OP theres some really basic parenting issues here, particularly around your authority, possibly your projection of negativity onto her, a possible dynamic between the two sisters

Yet as usual rather than looking at addressing those, people are jumping straight to some sort of SEN/ASD/ADHD

She needs good predictable boundaries and nurture with clear messages about what is appropriate.

BridgetsBigPants · 09/08/2023 07:05

Honestly I would in no way reconsider giving her the money for her 11th birthday. It's not about the amount but the fact that she had the option last year. It would be unfair on her older sister if she gets to double up.

In the nicest way possible sometimes when you are over sensitive to one child it actually just reinforces their feelings of being hard done by. My nephew was very jealous when his sister, my niece, was born and people pandering to it and just made it worse not better. Now there are 2 more siblings and his intense feeling are worse than ever.

Justbecause19 · 09/08/2023 07:11

I would def look into ND for DD2, this is not typical behaviour. She's like a dog with a bone and to be so obsessed a year on is unusual for an 11 year old. That being said ND or not you need to be firm as she made her choice last year. Acknowledge she feels hard done by/upset and you are sorry she feels that way. Moving forward I would be very very clear about what your boundaries are surrounding Christmas/birthdays and make it clear once choices are made it will not be discussed after. I also think some education about her privilege would be helpful.

forgotmyusername1 · 09/08/2023 07:11

By inviting 8 friends to a party she presumably got 8 gifts she wouldnt have got had she taken the £100

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