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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's friend said this during my wedding

315 replies

orangeberry · 08/08/2023 16:47

I have just got married.

DH has a friendship group consisting of himself, Sarah, Vanessa and Jessica (not real names). They have been friends for a long time.

At my wedding, during the reception, Sarah said "Vanessa should have been the best man anyway". This was in earshot of me as I came to mingle with their table and thank them for coming.

DH's best men were my brother and my FIL, DH's father.

DH has reached out to Vanessa and Jessica and Vanessa has stressed that the best man comment did not come from her and they are both horrified by Sarah's actions on the wedding day. Vanessa and Jessica both said that Sarah put a real downer on the whole evening and tried to drag everyone down with her; she was miserable.

I'm upset by the comment Sarah made about Vanessa being the best man when my DBro was one of DH's best men and he gave such a lovely speech and they have a great bond. I'm more upset that she chose to say that during my own wedding reception!

AIBU to reach out to Sarah to let her know that I am hurt?

OP posts:
BrawnWild · 08/08/2023 18:42

What do you actually think would happen?

Sarah would say she was so sorry and you would forgive her and it would be like nothing ever happened and youd all lie happily ever after?

Nothing to be gained from the drama.

It reeks of wanting to drive a wedge between you and his friend with the goal that he will pick you ad she will be ostracized.

Lovehearts82 · 08/08/2023 18:44

In the words of Pam Shipman,
"is that it!" 😆 load of drama over absolutely nothing

Grandomens · 08/08/2023 18:46

Let it go. You are over involved in this.

BlastedIce · 08/08/2023 18:49

Such drama over nothing!

Crabbity · 08/08/2023 18:50

Crikey, I envy you if this is the stuff that keeps you awake at night…

isitshe · 08/08/2023 18:51

I sort of get the 'throwaway comment' thing, it could have been if Sarah wasn't so upset about the whole thing, but it doesn't seem throwaway combined with her behaviour.
It seems really dramatic for her to have been, according to Vanessa and Jessica, 'miserable' for the whole evening.
It seems like a huge overreaction that Sarah 'put a real downer on the whole evening and tried to drag everyone down with her'.

Does Sarah think Vanessa should have been best man with her as the bride?

Theblacksheepandme · 08/08/2023 18:51

You really need to realise that people are entitled to have an opinion. Did your husband really want your brother as best man or feel pressured by you? I do find it strange that if he had a best friend that he didn't choose her. I also find it strange that as a newlywed that your bothered by this. Should you not be thinking of what a lovely day you had at your wedding? If this is how you are thinking as a newlywed it doesn't bode well for your future together.

Lookingatthesunset · 08/08/2023 19:03

I don't know why you would even give this a second thought.

A friend of mine made a comment that stung a little at my wedding. My dad was a very shy man and wouldn't have gone to the wedding at all if he had thought he was going to have to make a speech. I didn't care. However friend said that she would never have forgiven her father if he didn't make a speech!

I was a bit, meh - but her opinion didn't matter to me, so I never mentioned it. You should do the same with Sarah.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 08/08/2023 19:04

Telling that you say "my wedding", not "our wedding".

Hibiscrubbed · 08/08/2023 19:07

Pottedpalm · 08/08/2023 17:23

YABU to use the term ‘reach
out’

Stuff like this on MN is so catty and so fucking pointless.

Redglitter · 08/08/2023 19:08

What a fuss over nothing. Jeez she made a comment, her opinion, which she's entitled to & somehow its turned into a big drama. Ffs do you & your husband always massively over react to something

BeeCucumber · 08/08/2023 19:10

Reach out. 🙄

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 08/08/2023 19:12

Hufflepods · 08/08/2023 16:52

So much drama. It’s weird for the brides brother or even the grooms father to be the best man but cares? It was a non comment and there’s literally nothing for you to be upset over. Don’t blow this up when it’s nothing.

I don't think it's weird. My brother was my Dad's best man and my Dad has loads of friends. Just wanted him to have a special part in his wedding so I guess the same here and they're simply a close family.

Plus, if the 3 of them are his best friends he probably didn't want to choose only one of them.

What is weird is her behaviour. Not really the comment because I wouldn't have thought much of that, but the other 2 saying she was a nightmare the whole evening.

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 08/08/2023 19:14

Why wasn't Vanessa asked to be best man? (Just in case Sarah is reading).

My DD was a best man recently. The groom wanted his best friend to be by his side and his best friend just happened to be female. I'm surprised your DH had your brother and his dad as his best friends (and therefore bestman).

Theblacksheepandme · 08/08/2023 19:21

Why the term Best Man when Female? Can it not be Best Woman?

FarEast · 08/08/2023 19:24

Let it go and keep your distance in a breezy way in future. Sarah is probably threatened by you and a bit jealous of your central role in your DH’s life.

Don’t give her the satisfaction of knowing she’s got to you.

Makemineacosmo · 08/08/2023 19:25

Does it really matter? It's not a big deal, she made a comment, it wasn't relevant and it didn't matter anyway. So, no, I wouldn't be 'reaching out' about silly stuff like this. Just enjoy your marriage.

Ellmau · 08/08/2023 19:27

At least she didn't say she should have been the bride.

InSpainTheRain · 08/08/2023 19:31

AIBU to reach out to Sarah to let her know that I am hurt?

Yes you would be unreasonable. It was probably throw away. Just move on - you're married now; try to concentrate on that not some drama which is not relevant.

MasterBeth · 08/08/2023 19:31

tara66 · 08/08/2023 18:16

How much champagne had she had? It was probably just an idle chitter chatter ''spiteful'' throw away line. Not meant for your ears.

It's not even spiteful. It's nothing

BabylonianChild · 08/08/2023 19:32

You are wasting too much energy on this non-event.

5128gap · 08/08/2023 19:33

You're over reacting. Sarah is entitled to her opinion and to express it to her friends. She was surprised your DH chose your brother over his close friend, that's all.
I can't imagine what you think you'll achieve by telling her off for thinking and saying this. But all it will cause is drama and upset and make things difficult for your DH with his friend.
If I were you I'd avoid getting drawn into gossip with these women. They've known each other longer than you and it will end up being you they turn on.

Ladybug14 · 08/08/2023 19:34

Grow up, for God's sake, OP

CapEBarra · 08/08/2023 19:35

hopeishere · 08/08/2023 17:41

Did he not have any friends he could have had?

Yes -Jessica, Sarah and Vanessa. Those are his friends. Maybe Vanessa should have been his best man. Does it really matter? I don’t understand why you feel what Sarah said was so wrong, or why you are hurt.

Original poster
orangeberry · 08/08/2023 19:35

I wanted to clarify a few things.

DH chose his best men, and he chose his dad and my brother as he is very close to them. He didn't consider choosing his female friends.

Sarah was mid loud rant when I heard her saying "Vanessa should have been the best man anyway!" I had gone over to the table she was on and had welcomed them with open arms.

It was our reception, any comments like that should have been kept to herself and not broadcasted during our day.

It felt like a slight towards my brother, he is the most gentle, kind soul and would never say a bad word to anyone.

OP posts: