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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be desperate for 'mum friends '

139 replies

Zumma · 08/08/2023 15:52

DS is 12 weeks old. We moved to a new area last year so don't know loads of people apart from a few neighbours and acquaintances from the pub we went to before he was born.

A few people have commented about joining local baby groups etc and said it will be great for me to meet 'mum friends'. I've signed up for some already mainly as I think they'll be beneficial for DS. I'll also happily chit chat casually to other mums there as you do, but I can't imagine that I'll find really strong friendships there nor am I that bothered.

I didn't bother with an NCT group, partly due to distance of nearest one but also not keen on the idea that you all have to be 'friends' after and keep up with eachother in a Whatssapp group. A few friends have told me about various dramas with their NCT friends and it sounds quite childish and exhausting.

I mentioned this to a cousin the other day and she thought I was being antisocial and unfriendly. I've reflected on my attitude as I can see where she's coming from.

I think over the years growing up, I had some bad experiences with groups of girls (mild bullying, gossip etc) so the idea of actively seeking out groups of mums to be good friends with fills me with dread in case there's any bitchiness or horrid dynamics. I know we're all adults but it still happens - I've read a few threads on here about NCT groups and mums at the school gate to see what goes wrong. It's my idea of hell and I think it would take me back to feeling like an inadequate young girl again so I actively avoid it.

When I was younger I was often making friends with people due to having one thing in common eg on the same course or houseshare but beyond that there was nothing else so friendships were so superficial and fizzled out quickly. I imagine it's similar if the only thing you have in common with someone is you had kids at the same time?

I do have old friends of 5 or 10 years who are mums and I've connected well with them on motherhood although they don't live close by.

I'm probably overthinking the whole thing and I will obviously be friendly and chatty at the baby groups and if a genuine and nice friendship emerges then great but I suppose I'm much more selective and reserved about closer friendships these days and don't want to feel like I have to be everyone's friend and force pointless mum friendships as it hasn't worked well for me in the past. I'm also OK with my own company mostly as I often see family and old friends at weekends even though they're not local.

I'm sure as DS is older they'll be more happening with playmates and parties but for now I'm not desperately seeking out mum friends.

YABU - motherhood is a great time for new friendships and you're overthinking and missing an opportunity

YANBU - you're right to be reflective and cautious about these friendships and do what feels comfortable and genuine

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 08/08/2023 15:55

You should be friends with who you want. Mums aren't one homogenous mass who all want the same things. Nobody would care if you were a man and didn't know any other man with a child who was a similar age. You seem to have a flexible mindset and happy to have your mind changed if that opportunity arises.

WhereHasTheSunGoneThisSummer · 08/08/2023 15:58

I didn’t have a group of mum friends but did make some lovely friends from chit chatting at toddler groups. Two of them have now moved into my lifetime friends as I’ve been friends with them for almost 25 years.
Carry on doing what you are doing enjoying your baby and the odd chat with another mum and continue to let things happen naturally.

Original poster
Zumma · 08/08/2023 15:58

BoohooWoohoo · 08/08/2023 15:55

You should be friends with who you want. Mums aren't one homogenous mass who all want the same things. Nobody would care if you were a man and didn't know any other man with a child who was a similar age. You seem to have a flexible mindset and happy to have your mind changed if that opportunity arises.

I totally agree. I think there's just been too many comments about mum friends and people assuming I want to form a tribe with fellow new mothers but it's not the case.

I actually made friends with an elderly lady in a cafe a few weeks ago. We were both on our own so shared a cup of tea together and that was lovely.

OP posts:
everywherebear · 08/08/2023 16:08

I think when they're little it's nice to have the odd friend who are going through the same things as you so you can have a good old moan together/help each other through it, but it's certainly not essential! I think your attitude towards it is quite healthy - not desperate for company, but not totally shunning it either. You might meet some people you gel with at baby groups and you might not.

I didn't expect to make so many friends via my kids but I now have a lovely group of good friends which is great for organising playdates, the odd night out, and occasionally help with pick ups/drop offs. I don't think you have to have close friendships, but handy to have people you can call on when you don't understand the school's eleventy billionth email that week or you can't remember when non-uniform day is 😂

Tinybrother · 08/08/2023 16:11

Do what works for you, but I wouldn’t rule it out on principle. There isn’t any reason why you should get on with anyone based on the fact that you happened to give birth at a similar time, but on the other hand loads of mothers are just like you - you aren’t that different (I don’t mean that in a mean way!)

Many women who had babies and toddlers in lockdown wouldn’t take the company of other mothers of small children for granted.

Zhougzhoug · 08/08/2023 16:12

In the baby years freelance friends are just as handy - it's nice to hang out with people who are around in the daytime but it doesn't matter too much if they also have a baby as long as they quite like yours. I was quite pleased to be able to have lunch with all my friends who worked from laptops in coffee shops. You'll end up with parent friends when they start nursery or school and it's quite nice then.

SareBear87 · 08/08/2023 16:21

Just be friends with who you want to be friends with.
I found the "mum friends" priceless at 3am when my LO wouldn't sleep and I was pulling my hair out. I don't have family nearby and other friends have older children/careers.

Just find the support you need, it doesn't have to be a predefined group!

MyMotherWorked15Hours5DaysAWeek · 08/08/2023 16:30

Up to you OP. I wouldn’t rule it out. I’m back at work 2 days a week now, but my mum friends make my life and my 18 month old’s nicer.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 08/08/2023 16:31

Me too! Are you in North Yorkshire at all?

CocoPlum · 08/08/2023 16:36

NCT type groups can be weird as you're all flung together because you had sex around the same time and you're expected to be BFFs.

I had much better luck going to pregnancy/baby yoga and seeing which mums I connected with there.

While I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to avoid a forced group of women, I think it's really helpful to have mum friends with children the same age as they grow up. For us that meant even if we weren't doing anything big in the holidays we could meet them at the park, and having others go through things at similar stages (tantrums, school applications, friendship dramas, high school options etc) is so helpful.

HDready · 08/08/2023 16:36

BoohooWoohoo · 08/08/2023 15:55

You should be friends with who you want. Mums aren't one homogenous mass who all want the same things. Nobody would care if you were a man and didn't know any other man with a child who was a similar age. You seem to have a flexible mindset and happy to have your mind changed if that opportunity arises.

No, but then most men aren’t spending months on maternity leave with a tiny baby for company. When you’ve come out of your usual routine of work, it can be helpful to chat to people who are in the same boat. Particularly when it’s your first baby. I don’t think this is a gender issue, just the reality that it’s usually mums at home, out of their usual routine.

I also don’t think there is any harm in friendships for a short period/for a particular purpose. No one is suggesting that these woman at baby groups have to be your best friends for life. But you might find people you enjoy spending maternity leave with, even if you don’t maintain the relationships later on.

Marchitectmummy · 08/08/2023 16:57

I think stay open minded but don't feel like you have to. As others have said mum friends are just people, some you might bond with, others you won't and some will be superficial.

I have 4 really amazing friendships that have come out of having children, i have about 60 very superficial what i consider to be fake friendships. Baring in mind we have 5 daughters that's not an amazing hit rate.

Our daughters are at fee paying schools and found so many conversations were cloaked with competition, lots of oh so lovely to see your dd as lead in yy sport did you take them to extra classes I've heard zz is amazing for this sport, I think I'll join it. As they grow older the new pattern is 'oh no we won't be applying to xx school I've heard entrance exams are so hard' blah blah only for them to suddenly announce they have a place. So much nonsense and lies drives me bonkers.

if you can see it all for what it is and enjoy it for what it is. It's nice saying hi to people. Keep at that level and let in only the amazing...

golddustwomen · 08/08/2023 17:58

I made some brilliant mom friends, once my eldest started school. I found baby groups super cliquey in my area. In fact I tried to talk to a mom in baby group once and she looked at me like I'd shat on her lap then turned away ha!!

CostelloJones · 08/08/2023 18:03

I had crippling anxiety/postnatal OCD after my second child was born and seeing all the other mums doing well, looking amazing etc sent me over the edge. The tiniest comment about doing something differently or comparing the development of our DCs, even innocently made me plummet into an awful spiral.

ir was my problem to deal with, and I did. But I did it by avoiding any groups… I had a lot of “you’re being antisocial” comments from relatives etc but tbh everyone has their reason for doing things.

TheUsualChaos · 08/08/2023 18:12

Everyone is different. One of my best friends is so sociable, always meeting up with friends she's made through NCT, nursery, school. I chat to some of the school mums when I see them but I've never made any effort to form what I would consider proper "mum friend" friendships and I sometimes wonder if I am missing out. But I think I'm just an introvert. On my days off I don't like to make plans so see anyone, I really look forward to time to myself while the DC are at school. I did find baby and toddler groups just to get out though.

TheGoogleMum · 08/08/2023 19:21

Do what you want. With my first I did like having a network of mum friends to go yo things with and our children all a similar age. 4 years on we still do have a WhatsApp group but we do chat less and never meet up now. It was lovely until we all started going back to work. With my 2nd I'm not so bothered, feel like I don't need the same solidarity this time. I did a baby massage class that was nice for bonding with baby. I will probably join a class in September but I'm not sure I'm that bothered if I make friends this time or not. It can be good to have a reason to get out the house and baby to see other people

TheYearOfSmallThings · 08/08/2023 19:31

It is incredibly useful to have a group of friends with children the same age as yours, and baby groups are the handiest way to find that cohort. My son has done birthdays, Halloweens, camping, days out, swimming, tennis and hundreds of playdates with the kids he met at 3 months of age. I initially thought of their mothers as "mum friends" but over time a handful have become true friends - and who can't use more of those?

BeautifulWar · 08/08/2023 19:35

I was never fussed about making 'mum friends' either, but a lot of my actual friends were going through a similar stage of parenthood when I had mine so I didn't feel the need, even though we are not particularly geographically close.

I have made friends since though with other mums (and dad's) through school or my daughter's hobbies. They were organic friendships and I would have befriended these people had I met them at work or uni etc.

Quoria · 08/08/2023 19:40

They're very useful as people to go to soft play or the park with as your child gets older. I can't imagine not having friends with children whom my children are friends with.

LindorDoubleChoc · 08/08/2023 19:41

I think you're over-thinking it. Such a LONG op!

Noicant · 08/08/2023 19:43

You are overthinking, I’ve met some women I genuinely liked, they happened to be mums at the same place as me doing mum stuff. I file them under “people I like”.

Approaching · 08/08/2023 19:47

Do what works for you…

I found “mum friends” invaluable. Women going through the same things, who I could turn to for advice or venting. And, as DC got a little older, it’s nice to meet up with kids of similar ages - mat leave can get very lonely. My NCT group has been fab, the kids are pretty much all we have in common but we all get on very well within that limit. As DC have got older it’s then been lovely to have “mum friends” of younger kids who ask me for advice or reassurance, and we can help them out by passing down toys and clothes. We moved house and having kids was an easy conversation starter meeting new people, some of those “mum friends” have naturally turned in to friend friends!

Omm · 08/08/2023 19:47

I also moved to a new city when I was pregnant and didn’t know anyone and became a great support network and really helpful fun people.

Yes, I’ve seen some ‘mean girl’ behaviour in baby classes. I once run away crying from a coffee with mums because they were judging me for giving up breastfeeding early (I wouldn’t normally run away crying but I hadn’t slept for a week then). However, I can only think of a small number of instances and what I got by going out there is amazing friends who make us feel really settled and happy in our new place. We talk all the time still and share all ups and downs of parenthood in detail that my own family would find tedious and friends without babies wouldn’t understand/care enough about.

Also, what do you lose by trying?

thecatsthecats · 08/08/2023 19:51

I get why you're overthinking!

I'm due my first, just started antenatal classes, and I'm happy to meet a gang of people going through the same phase, I'm bored of comments from people telling me that I'm about to meet my bestest bestest friends for life.

I mean, maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Whole thing feels a bit forced if you put that expectation on it. I was very self conscious of how I dressed and behaved, like it was a first date!

It will be nice to have local friends at this point in time. Anything more is a bonus.

everetting · 08/08/2023 19:52

Being friends with someone who is also a mum is fine. Both being mums is not enough. But a bit sad that you assume groups of mothers will be bitchy and childish.

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