To not be desperate for 'mum friends '

[Zumma]

DS is 12 weeks old. We moved to a new area last year so don't know loads of people apart from a few neighbours and acquaintances from the pub we went to before he was born.

A few people have commented about joining local baby groups etc and said it will be great for me to meet 'mum friends'. I've signed up for some already mainly as I think they'll be beneficial for DS. I'll also happily chit chat casually to other mums there as you do, but I can't imagine that I'll find really strong friendships there nor am I that bothered.

I didn't bother with an NCT group, partly due to distance of nearest one but also not keen on the idea that you all have to be 'friends' after and keep up with eachother in a Whatssapp group. A few friends have told me about various dramas with their NCT friends and it sounds quite childish and exhausting.

I mentioned this to a cousin the other day and she thought I was being antisocial and unfriendly. I've reflected on my attitude as I can see where she's coming from.

I think over the years growing up, I had some bad experiences with groups of girls (mild bullying, gossip etc) so the idea of actively seeking out groups of mums to be good friends with fills me with dread in case there's any bitchiness or horrid dynamics. I know we're all adults but it still happens - I've read a few threads on here about NCT groups and mums at the school gate to see what goes wrong. It's my idea of hell and I think it would take me back to feeling like an inadequate young girl again so I actively avoid it.

When I was younger I was often making friends with people due to having one thing in common eg on the same course or houseshare but beyond that there was nothing else so friendships were so superficial and fizzled out quickly. I imagine it's similar if the only thing you have in common with someone is you had kids at the same time?

I do have old friends of 5 or 10 years who are mums and I've connected well with them on motherhood although they don't live close by.

I'm probably overthinking the whole thing and I will obviously be friendly and chatty at the baby groups and if a genuine and nice friendship emerges then great but I suppose I'm much more selective and reserved about closer friendships these days and don't want to feel like I have to be everyone's friend and force pointless mum friendships as it hasn't worked well for me in the past. I'm also OK with my own company mostly as I often see family and old friends at weekends even though they're not local.

I'm sure as DS is older they'll be more happening with playmates and parties but for now I'm not desperately seeking out mum friends.

YABU - motherhood is a great time for new friendships and you're overthinking and missing an opportunity

YANBU - you're right to be reflective and cautious about these friendships and do what feels comfortable and genuine

Exactly! As if Mum friends are this special breed of people who just eat toddler snacks and sign wheels on the bus on repeat 🤣

So long as you're friendly and open you'll be fine. It's nice to have people to have a cup of coffee with even if you're not best friends. And some small children absolutely adore having playmates. Just don't do the "Oh, I've got nothing in common with these mundanes" routine some people do!

Just because women have a baby doesn't mean they have anything else in common.

I've never bothered with mum friends. I have friends.

equally, just because they have a baby doesn’t mean you won’t have anything else in common with them

@Tinybrother

True but the 'mum' friends thing is based on the premise that mums should be friends with other mums because they are mums

Is it? “Mum friends” is not a phrase I use but I’ve never interpreted it as meaning you are supposed to be friends with all mothers. Just that finding people you can get on with who are at the same stage of life is nice. But anything with the word “mum” in it as a descriptor is usually used sneerily and pejorative isn’t it, and I don’t think that should be the case.

The reverse is equally as true. Just because they have a baby doesn't mean you won't have other things in common with them. Unless you think all women become personality-less drones after birth.

I would go as far as to say all new mums have friends. What they usually don't have are friends who have absolutely no work commitments Monday-Friday during the day for the duration they are on maternity leave.

@DinnaeFashYersel
"True but the 'mum' friends thing is based on the premise that mums should be friends with other mums because they are mums"

To me "mum friends" were people who were in the same situation as me, so would probably be up for a cup of coffee or a trip to soft play. Some became friends-I had cocktails with some on Saturday 25 years on-some just drifted away as circumstances changed. But never undervalue having someone to keep an eye on the pram while you nip to the loo in the park. Or who watched something that wasn't The Tellytubbies" last night.

Agree - I'm not sure why adding the word "mum" to friends makes it a negative thing? And why do other women change personality once they have given birth??
I know MN can be a bit funny about friends in general but I can't really understand how or why making a friend at the school gate or baby group is a different process to making friends anywhere else.
The mum at the school gate might have been someone you got to know at an exercise class/bar/through another friend/book club...at a different stage in your life....but the stage you're both at now means you're likely to meet and start friendship at something based around children.
Or if you want to make friends exclusively with people who arent mums that would exclude a fairly large % of women! (And then what if they didn't want to be friends simply because you were a mum....?)

@Fizbosshoes One of the Mumsnet tropes I hate most is the awful attitude to "school-gate mums". As if they are somehow a different species.

Will you ditch your friends if any of them become mums?

I don't think people are hanging out with other mums that they have NOTHING else in common with other than being mums..

What's so wrong with making friends with people who are in the same situation as you? It makes perfect sense to me, you're going through the same things at the same time, it's like making 'work friends' you obviously don't make friends with EVERYONE at work - just the ones you happen to also get one with!

YANBU. I've never been bothered about having "mum friends." I am not opposed to having friends who are mums, but I never specifically set out to make friends with them.

I was in a slightly unusual situation in that I was only just 18 when I had a baby and I was a single mum early on, and lived in a hostel for a bit. I genuinely did not have much in common with married women in their 30s with cars and mortgages. There was no one my age or in my situation.

My friends who are people I've known since school. Some of them are now parents.

You could apply the same logic to any situation.

Just because people do the same job, doesn't mean they have anything else in common. I don't want any work friends

Just because people went to the same school, doesn't mean they have anything else in common. I don't want any school friends. Etc etc

I don't really see the difference between 'school friends', 'work friends' or 'mum friends' they are all just people you've met through different stages of life.

There is a nice bond when you've known someone since your children were little, and handy to speak to people who are at the same stage as you. I get loads of intel from the mum WhatsApp groups it's been really handy. And 'work friends' 'school friends' 'wherever else you've met them friends, are not as likely to be up for a last minute 3.30pm playground meet up on a Wednesday.. I find lots of the time friends end up living quite far away over time, so making new local friends when you have children is a nice opportunity.

I swore by baby groups and mum friends when mine were small and was very social but my sister didn’t go to a single baby group and had just the friends she made when kids started school.

What a strange question.

I am a mum. Many of my friends are mums. Or grans.

In fairness, you do see that a lot on here (huffiness at the idea that you might make friends via a situation like work or the school run), but that is because Mn has a high proportion of misanthropes who believe they are ‘introverts’.

Ok. So your logic is that if you are friends with someone and they become a mum they can stay your friend, but you will not make any new friends who are already a mum. Got it.

A few people have carefully explained how they didn't set out to make friends but have one or 2 people that they naturally became friends with....surely this happens in any situation where you come into contact and strike up a friendship...including school gates and baby groups.

And why is it a phenomena that happens to other women when they become mums....but not the person being derisive about school gate mums even though they have a school age child themselves

Good grief no.

You are just making stuff up now.

I completely agree that Mumsnet is funny about 'mum friends' and 'school gate mums' who are all different to them and somehow inferior.

I have a couple of friends who I met when mine were babies at groups and a met a friends along the way. It's nice to be able to send a message to see if anyone fancies a trip to the park or to invite them round etc. Sometimes parenting is dull so it's nice to have someone to talk to while you're doing it.

I didn't befriend these people just because they had similar aged kids- I befriended them because I liked them.

You wrote "Just because women have a baby doesn't mean they have anything else in common.
I've never bothered with mum friends. I have friends."
So you are now saying that's wrong and you would make new friends who are mums!

I think its fairly obvious you have misunderstood my original post.

Let me explicitly clear it up for you before you imagine some more.

What I never bothered with (and the point of this thread and the OP) was the need to seek out friends specifically because they are mums. 'Mum' friends.

I am a mum. I have friends who are mums. I have friends who are not mums. I even have friends who are dads. I make new friends from time to time who may or may not have children.

So I never bothered with 'mum' friends. I have friends (there parental status varies person to person).

I don't think mumsnet is funny about mum friends. It's more the threads where people talk about desperately wanting to make friends at the school gates despite the mums not showing any interest in them, or feeling excluded by the "cliques". I eye roll at those.

I'll happily talk to anyone and be friends with anyone who I get along with, I just don't feel a need to go out of my way to make friends with mums specifically because we have kids the same age. And if no one talked to me at the school gates I wouldn't trip over myself trying to make friends with them either.