To not be desperate for 'mum friends '

[Zumma]

DS is 12 weeks old. We moved to a new area last year so don't know loads of people apart from a few neighbours and acquaintances from the pub we went to before he was born.

A few people have commented about joining local baby groups etc and said it will be great for me to meet 'mum friends'. I've signed up for some already mainly as I think they'll be beneficial for DS. I'll also happily chit chat casually to other mums there as you do, but I can't imagine that I'll find really strong friendships there nor am I that bothered.

I didn't bother with an NCT group, partly due to distance of nearest one but also not keen on the idea that you all have to be 'friends' after and keep up with eachother in a Whatssapp group. A few friends have told me about various dramas with their NCT friends and it sounds quite childish and exhausting.

I mentioned this to a cousin the other day and she thought I was being antisocial and unfriendly. I've reflected on my attitude as I can see where she's coming from.

I think over the years growing up, I had some bad experiences with groups of girls (mild bullying, gossip etc) so the idea of actively seeking out groups of mums to be good friends with fills me with dread in case there's any bitchiness or horrid dynamics. I know we're all adults but it still happens - I've read a few threads on here about NCT groups and mums at the school gate to see what goes wrong. It's my idea of hell and I think it would take me back to feeling like an inadequate young girl again so I actively avoid it.

When I was younger I was often making friends with people due to having one thing in common eg on the same course or houseshare but beyond that there was nothing else so friendships were so superficial and fizzled out quickly. I imagine it's similar if the only thing you have in common with someone is you had kids at the same time?

I do have old friends of 5 or 10 years who are mums and I've connected well with them on motherhood although they don't live close by.

I'm probably overthinking the whole thing and I will obviously be friendly and chatty at the baby groups and if a genuine and nice friendship emerges then great but I suppose I'm much more selective and reserved about closer friendships these days and don't want to feel like I have to be everyone's friend and force pointless mum friendships as it hasn't worked well for me in the past. I'm also OK with my own company mostly as I often see family and old friends at weekends even though they're not local.

I'm sure as DS is older they'll be more happening with playmates and parties but for now I'm not desperately seeking out mum friends.

YABU - motherhood is a great time for new friendships and you're overthinking and missing an opportunity

YANBU - you're right to be reflective and cautious about these friendships and do what feels comfortable and genuine

Be friends with who you want to be friends with.

I was grateful for a group of Mum friends when we hit any struggles because there was a group of people that completely related.
Not all of them are people that I would naturally gravitate towards or maintain friendships with, others are. The ones that aren't, I have less to do with.

There's never been any bitchy behaviour between the Mum friends I have made. I have also maintained friendships with my childless friends, although you do learn when you have children who can really be bothered and who can't.

Right, so like everyone else then. If you and the OP think most other women are behaving differently then hopefully this thread makes it clear that they aren’t - most mothers are just the same as you.

Also, things will change even with your 'mum friend' circles.

I had more to do with certain groups when our children were babies. Now that my child is starting school, she has made new friends and so I speak to those parents more. I wouldn't call them 'mum friends' by any stretch, they are people I speak to because our children like to play together, but that could potentially develop in to friendship over time. When I was a child, most of my mum's friends were parents of children I went to primary school with.

Personally I have never gone to groups like NCT because they require a lot of travel and special meet ups, but I have always enjoyed local baby and toddler groups, usually just informal things at community centres with some tea and biscuits for parents.

It’s entirely up to you!

“Mum friends” are often also local friends, so that’s a nice thing - people you can meet up with close to where you live.

Also it’s nice when the children can play together too.

But it’s not obligatory. You’ll probants fine that you meet people who have children and make friends with them organically as years go on. It’s not a big deal, but best to be open minded, whilst also not fixating on having to have “mum friends”.

Yes I agree this poster is just describing the vast majority of people

I haven't actually said anything about other women at all.

and I said “if”, which allowed for the possibility of me being wrong about what you think

The word desperate and how much heartache some ladies go through in trying hard but never happening describes it well. Do what you feel friendships forming means to you. I consciously shy away from these things. My daughter had a group of all kids with very sensitive special needs kids, that broke apart because one boy loved to be a friend just with my daughter, and I always support my daughter but back off of any women's behaviours. Not for me.

I am the type that goes round in cafes and sees the world with open eyes and forms all sorts of friendships also. Being steady and supportive for my daughter and being her rock of safety against all odds coming from strangers ( call these friends if you want ) is my pathway

Quite a strange black and white distinction going on here in some of the posts, between 'organically' just happening to make friends with mums, and 'desperately wanting to make mum friends'.

Surely most of us are just somewhere in between? I don't think most people set out with a sole mission of hunting down mum friends.

Just do things you enjoy, be friendly (if you want), enjoy chatting to like minded people (if you want), and if you happen to hit it off you might arrange to see them again? Really not rocket science.

I like that if I've had a casual chat with someone at baby group, then see them at playground you can wave and say hello, parenting can be quite lonely at times.

Not everyone you have a chat with has to become a life long mum friend. Some probably will, but that's just how any walk of life works, school, uni, work.. etc?

There's also nothing wrong with realising you might need some friends that are around during mat leave or during the week, and would enjoy chatting to people with similar age kids. It's not sad, or desperate.

In the same way that just organically, happening to make mum friends', or just staying with your old friends isn't 'cool'

For those who reject “mum friends” do you like to spend days alone with your child? Or do your “not-mum friends” not have full time jobs? And do your “not-mum friends really enjoy playgrounds, toddler swimming, tots theatre shows etc etc?

personally I would not subject my pre-children friends to the monotony of entertaining babies/toddlers nor would I have survived if I’d been entirely alone with dc while my dh and friends worked.

I didn't "reject" mum friends I just didn't happen to make any. Yes I spent days alone with my child, did it as a lone parent at age 18 and survived fine. We did go to music groups and swimming and things, it wasn't like I was in the house all day.

Quite a lot of us had to survive lockdowns with newborns and toddlers with nowhere to go and no one to see. People sneered about mothers who were finding it difficult at the time, but now it’s a bit more acknowledged that for many it was quite tough. But it’s why I wouldn’t take the fact that you can go out to activities and have conversations with other mothers for granted, even if it’s not your thing.