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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be desperate for 'mum friends '

139 replies

Zumma · 08/08/2023 15:52

DS is 12 weeks old. We moved to a new area last year so don't know loads of people apart from a few neighbours and acquaintances from the pub we went to before he was born.

A few people have commented about joining local baby groups etc and said it will be great for me to meet 'mum friends'. I've signed up for some already mainly as I think they'll be beneficial for DS. I'll also happily chit chat casually to other mums there as you do, but I can't imagine that I'll find really strong friendships there nor am I that bothered.

I didn't bother with an NCT group, partly due to distance of nearest one but also not keen on the idea that you all have to be 'friends' after and keep up with eachother in a Whatssapp group. A few friends have told me about various dramas with their NCT friends and it sounds quite childish and exhausting.

I mentioned this to a cousin the other day and she thought I was being antisocial and unfriendly. I've reflected on my attitude as I can see where she's coming from.

I think over the years growing up, I had some bad experiences with groups of girls (mild bullying, gossip etc) so the idea of actively seeking out groups of mums to be good friends with fills me with dread in case there's any bitchiness or horrid dynamics. I know we're all adults but it still happens - I've read a few threads on here about NCT groups and mums at the school gate to see what goes wrong. It's my idea of hell and I think it would take me back to feeling like an inadequate young girl again so I actively avoid it.

When I was younger I was often making friends with people due to having one thing in common eg on the same course or houseshare but beyond that there was nothing else so friendships were so superficial and fizzled out quickly. I imagine it's similar if the only thing you have in common with someone is you had kids at the same time?

I do have old friends of 5 or 10 years who are mums and I've connected well with them on motherhood although they don't live close by.

I'm probably overthinking the whole thing and I will obviously be friendly and chatty at the baby groups and if a genuine and nice friendship emerges then great but I suppose I'm much more selective and reserved about closer friendships these days and don't want to feel like I have to be everyone's friend and force pointless mum friendships as it hasn't worked well for me in the past. I'm also OK with my own company mostly as I often see family and old friends at weekends even though they're not local.

I'm sure as DS is older they'll be more happening with playmates and parties but for now I'm not desperately seeking out mum friends.

YABU - motherhood is a great time for new friendships and you're overthinking and missing an opportunity

YANBU - you're right to be reflective and cautious about these friendships and do what feels comfortable and genuine

OP posts:
Uhoh1 · 08/08/2023 19:53

My LO is 14 months now and I’ve met 1 mum friend through groups and I went to a lot. For about 9 months there was a group I’d go for lunch with after a class and as nice as it was I haven’t seen any of them (except the one I’d class as a friend) since we all went back to work. I wouldn’t bother looking for them just don’t rule it out.

I go swimming with LO and the mums there are very friendly but we’re not friends - my Mum on the other hand made friends with another Grandma in the observation area!

Hufflepods · 08/08/2023 19:53

If you don’t feel the need to expand your social circle on mat leave then that’s up to you, but YABU to feed into the ‘women are cliquey and bitchy’ nonsense.

Rainbowshit · 08/08/2023 19:53

It was great having mum friends with babies at the same stage. I found mat leave a total drag and broke up the day meeting people for walks or play dates.

Also good to get reminders of dates for applying for schools etc!

MammaTo · 08/08/2023 20:07

I think you’re going into it with the right mindset. I find from reading mumsnet people think baby groups are breeding grounds for new friends when really it’s just a place to entertain the baby for an hour and as you say have some chit chat about the babies and go home. If anything more comes of it then great, if not then no harm done.

Runkle · 08/08/2023 20:11

I was the same as you. Used to get unhelpful comments from SIL with a head tilt to ask me if I got chatting to any mums at groups. I never particularly wanted to, yes I’d be polite a chat but I wasn’t looking for friends. Pissed me off and made me question myself and feel judged. You do you. And it hasn’t affected DC, they’re v socialable!

Bouledeneige · 08/08/2023 20:46

I really wouldn't rule it out. We all need to keep replenishing the convoy of friends we build up in life. Some we will lose along the way and some we add. I was always a working Mum so never had a huge number of nurser/school Mum friends but I have a couple of like minded friends from the early years who are really good friend. One a Scottish woman who I've had a lot of laughs with over the years (our DDs are 23 now) and one or two others from the school gate - again who I just click with - mainly on the grounds of humour and values. There are lots of ups and down bringing up kids and there's always room for someone you click with to share the journey with.

fullbloom87 · 08/08/2023 20:59

Meh I never bothered with 'mum groups' didn't appeal to me. All women tend to do is show off about their lives and babies and let's face it all babies care about is boob and mum, they don't care about 'socialising' so it's not really for babies really.

museumum · 08/08/2023 21:02

You don’t have to be besties with other mums but if you’re off work for 3/6/12 months it’s good to have people to hang out with Monday to Friday and useful if the6 have the same kind of requirements you do in terms of baby friendly requirements etc.

Tinybrother · 09/08/2023 06:49

fullbloom87 · 08/08/2023 20:59

Meh I never bothered with 'mum groups' didn't appeal to me. All women tend to do is show off about their lives and babies and let's face it all babies care about is boob and mum, they don't care about 'socialising' so it's not really for babies really.

Yeah if you go into it with that assumption it’s pretty pointless. You’re a woman - do you only show off about your life and baby? If not, then why do you think you’re so unusual? No one thinks it’s for the babies. I’m sure it worked out fine for you, but this isn’t good advice.

Hufflepods · 09/08/2023 06:55

@fullbloom87 All women tend to do is show off about their lives and babies

Let me guess, all other women except you?
You’re so unique and special compared to the rest of the silly women.

TakeMe2Insanity · 09/08/2023 06:57

It’s support thats all.

A mutual mum friend introduced myself and B, B lived in the next street and it was so handy to have someone going through similar etc. Nearly 8 years on we’re still supporting one another despite not living close to each other.

If you don’t want support why the drama.

Ibizafun · 09/08/2023 07:01

The only thing is.. when your ds is at nursery/primary, it will help him if you're friends with the mums.. he'll get more play dates.

I know people who have gone out their way when their kids were at primary, to befriend mums who's families they wanted their kids to be close to.. blatant social climbing obvs..

Dollmeup · 09/08/2023 07:02

I think it really depends on what kind of personality you have, how likely you are to make friends at these groups.

I'm pretty introverted so unsurprisingly I didn't end up with a whole group of mum friends. There were people I'd chat to each week and we did meet up a few times at soft play etc, but I really had much in common with them apart from the babies so they were never going to be lasting friendships. Sometimes I feel like I've missed out, but not enough to change things!

There's a mum who I only spoke to occasionally and I never thought we had much in common, she's a young mum whereas I'm in my 30s but the kids ended up at the same school and now we are properly friends as we actually have loads in common.

Imo one lasting friendship is much better than a load of superficial ones.

Italianasoitis · 09/08/2023 07:06

Im friends with people I click with. Many of them have children. The former part is most important.

ChurlishGreen · 09/08/2023 07:06

You’ve invented a set of imaginary scenarios in your head from other people’s comments, Mn threads about the school run or friendship dramas, and a few past experiences. While there’s absolutely no compulsion to befriend anybody, ever, your fear of what you imagine friendship groups to be like should absolutely not hold you back if you encounter people you like.

’Mum friends’ are not some separate category of human being and it’s one of Mn more damaging myths that they are, along with ‘school run mums’. My NCT group just didn’t much like one another, so never met much, then I moved to another part of the country while on mat leave, where I didn’t much care for the people I met socially, and made my friends at work. My ‘mum friends’ arrived in my life in another country when our children were 7/8, and one of the ones I’m closest to is a dad.

DaisyWaldron · 09/08/2023 07:07

I met some amazing people through NCT, toddler groups etc, but there's nothing wrong with not wanting to do that.

I do think that beyond the friendship aspect, it's handy to have good relationships with a few people with similarly aged children in your area, not with a friendship relationship, but effectively as colleagues in parenting, who can share useful information and so you have someone to chat to during all the times you are hanging around waiting for your child.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 09/08/2023 07:07

museumum · 08/08/2023 21:02

You don’t have to be besties with other mums but if you’re off work for 3/6/12 months it’s good to have people to hang out with Monday to Friday and useful if the6 have the same kind of requirements you do in terms of baby friendly requirements etc.

I agree. I have been working part time for 4 years (DS is nearly 5) and 2 of my NCT mums plus 1 nursery mum have been invaluable on my days off to give DS, an only, someone to race about with. Especially in winter; you can go to each other's houses when it's freezing and raining.

MRex · 09/08/2023 07:10

If you don't want friends that's fine and just skip the groups. It's important to be friendly if you do go though, if you've been rude to people when your child was young, they may remember when it's those exact same people you come across at nursery and school. You may also find your child is different than you and wants social opportunities with their peers as they get older, so you'll need to navigate those situations. Is your DH a bit more social, would he be willing to create relationships with the parents to facilitate interactions for your child?

gothshot · 09/08/2023 07:12

I have a 4 month old and I'm a very introverted person myself. I didn't have great experiences with friends growing up, I was bullied throughout first/middle school and then there were times I was ditched by my "best friend" in high school. I definitely have issues trusting people and I always think people don't like me.
I joined a baby sensory class when DD was 9 weeks old, we really enjoy it and it's great to watch her learn however I haven't made any friends there myself. Yes I talk to other women, I'm friendly and they are too but there's still that voice in the back of my mind telling me they think I'm weird and don't like me.
I don't have a group of friends either, my best friend has her own life and we are such different people now. I basically just have my other half, his family and my family. And I'm ok with that!
I'm open to going to other classes/groups with DD as she gets older for her to socialise but I'm not bothered about making friends.
You have to do what you're comfortable with and don't let anyone pressure you into doing things you don't want to do.

NerrSnerr · 09/08/2023 07:14

I made some friends when on maternity leave. I'm still friends with them now and it's just nice to send a message saying 'we're going to the park if anyone's free' and then the children have people to play with. It's also nice to have someone you know at events, parties etc.

It can be a bit lonely on maternity leave at times. You don't need to go looking for a tribe but having people you're friendly with can help at times.

Fizbosshoes · 09/08/2023 07:14

I don't think you're obliged to be friends with people just because their children are the same age. But if you go to a baby group it's likely they'll be some people you gel or connect with and others you don't- just like anywhere else. (Work, hobbies, parties etc)
I found the first year of motherhood quite lonely and I was glad of having 1 or 2 good friends that I could meet on their own outside of the groups. And I met with a group that I'd done ante natal classes with. We're still in touch 17 years later.

IglesiasPiggl · 09/08/2023 07:18

I found my mum friends invaluable for the first decade of parenthood, and think it's worth making the effort to get to know people at the same lifestage as you. You won't be best friends with everyone you meet but that doesn't matter. I had people I just chatted to at particular baby groups but never more than that, people I was friendly with until they moved away, and a couple who are still friends now, when our children have moved on. If you do find yourself in a WhatsApp group you don't like, it's easy to step back by missing several meet ups in a row and not commenting in the group.

reabies · 09/08/2023 11:21

I think you're overthinking it but also when you say:

'I will obviously be friendly and chatty at the baby groups and if a genuine and nice friendship emerges then great'

Then that's a totally normal approach to making friends. Speak to someone, see if you like them, see where it goes. No pressure to be friends with everyone you meet on mat leave (and if you go to groups, you will meet people) but if you get chatting to someone and eventually swap numbers and maybe go for coffee a few times then great. Nice way to pass the time.

Bouledeneige · 10/08/2023 11:23

I also think that parenting young babies and young children is such an intense experience that, for a time at least, it drives a wedge between you and your friends without children. You just don't have the same time, the same freedom, you are used to interrupted conversations and life has a different focus. So having friends who are in the same boat as you fills a gap. You get very good at chatting with constant interruptions - and you don't bore them as you do your child free friends with the minutiae if family life. Over time that gulf recedes and the bond with your real friends sustains - but with the addition of your 'real' Mum friends.

Parker231 · 10/08/2023 11:30

I didn’t make ‘mum friends’ - I had friends pre DT’s and still have those friends. I continued to see those friends when DT’s were born. I didn’t go to any baby classes or groups. I was back at work full time when DT’s were six months old.
DT’s haven’t suffered from lack of play dates or friends - they still have some they made in nursery.