to not invite them on this day out

[QueenBlue]

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5.

They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it.

The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative.

DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child.

Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8.

My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

Trying not to repeat what others have said but can't understand why you can't see that this is likely to be very upsetting for your sc. Of course you can leave them out. You have that power. You don't seem to 'own' though that that is what you are doing. Even if it was a last minute thing that you had your sc they are of course going to be upset. It's a shame that you seem to be saying that none of your family really want to get to know them.

As I understand it:

1. Your husband was not originally going with you on this day out.
2. This is not a day when your step-children were supposed to be with you.
3. You organised a day out with your family. Your husband was not going with you, despite the fact that your joint child was going on this day out. He was choosing to stay at home and work.
4. The arrangements with the step-children changed and now they will be in your husband's care.
5. Now, for some reason best known to your husband (possibly that he will have to look after his children on his own), he IS interested in going on this day out and expects you to change what you are doing to accommodate him and his children.

I don't think you should be expected to change your plans on this basis OP. YANBU.

Personally I'd suggest DH takes the SC to the same place and they separate but meet for lunch.
That doesn't spoil the grandparents day but gives a nice opportunity for the SC's

@QueenBlue I voted YANBU because of your husbands behaviour.

However, I can see the SC are being left out due to his poor parenting.

Sit your DH down and tell him that it is his behaviour that makes you not want him and the SC to come with you. You are going to agree to him and his eldest DC joining you but a) he is fully responsible for managing them and their behaviour b) he needs to ensure you have time to chat to your family.

It’s a theme park, your SC will want to do different things. Ahead of time download the park map and give it to DH and SC and ask them to plan their day. Which rides, where to have lunch.

Do the same for your DC, family etc. don’t make it too rigid. Say to DH you and SC follow your plan and we will follow ours. We will meet for lunch at x time y place. At the end of the day we will meet at x time y place.

This way SC don’t miss out due to their Dad’s behaviour but you get time with your DC and family.

YANBU. You should be able to do things with your family that centre around your DC and your nephew, without the stepchildren tagging along too.

They weren’t in your original plans. The plans weren’t made with them in mind.

4 children is different to 2. Especially when one of them is 11. Especially when they’re not all yours. It would be a very different dynamic for the day.

Your family doesn’t see you and your DC very often and vice versa you don’t see them. It would be nice to spend time with them without worrying about entertaining the stepkids too.

It’s not their usual day to be there. Their dad will have to come up with something. He agreed to have them so it’s on him to manage his time with them.

You’re allowed a life that is separate to your stepchildren. They don’t have to be involved in everything you do. Again, their dad’s choice in life. He chose someone without children, and now he’s sulking that there is a difference between the children with his ex and his children with you. They’re all the same to him, but not to you. He chose that reality.

I’ll be blunt. Yes, taking extra people along with you when you didn’t plan for them to be there is an inconvenience. Children or not.

I think it's mean not to take them, but DH should come and if their behaviour gets unbearable, you say "Why don't we break into 2 groups and meet back here/other place at X O'clock?"

Trying not to repeat what others have said but can't understand why you can't see that this is likely to be very upsetting for your sc.

It’ll only be upsetting for the SC if their father doesn’t bother to do anything with them.

Otherwise they’ll just be having a fun day out somewhere while their much younger sibling has a fun day out elsewhere.

@Gymnopedie big difference between quality 1 on 1 time with one of your kids and actively excluding your step kids from a group family day out because they aren't part of 'your family'

Of course if OP's DH refused to take his child with OP on a day out with his parents and other family members, that would be equally as odd. But if it was a 1 on 1 day out of course not, same as if OP has a 1 on 1 day with just her and DC.

I personally don't get the whole 'step kids need to do everything that biological kids do.' Even in my non blended family there were some things some siblings did with a parent or an aunt or uncle that others didn't.

It's perfectly reasonable for your child to.enjoy some quality time with his grandparents and cousin and even better if your DH does something nice with the older kids. They would probably enjoy that time with just their dad much more actually.

The SC get days out with their mum and their maternal family.

OP’s DC gets the same with their mum and their maternal family.

Sounds fair to me.

Both children will get days out with their shared father.
(Unless he’s one of those pathetic dads who will take his older children out to make up for the stepmum having a day with her/their shared DC. As if it’s something to be made up for..)

I can’t imagine why you married him without being all in to treat your step kids as your own

While I think it's unfair for the SKs to miss out - this is a day that has been arranged for OP with her family as their treat. So if Disney dad has declared it's unfair that his kids miss out then it's up to him to make it right for them.
So tell him - it's not an issue for them to come but he buys the tickets and deals with going on rides, queuing, buying snacks - whether he is in the 'family' group or not is immaterial - he is responsible as he is tagging on and OP will not be stepping up to the plate as it were and doing all the donkey work.
Pointing out to DH that his past behaviour with leaving others to sort his kids is not going to work on this day out and suck it up and get on with it!! He's got away with too much and a stand has to be taken somewhere. What a twat!

Specifically I found theme parks to be tricky when planning with large group. After one crap experience of going with a friend and her preteens who talked about going on everything but in reality too afraid to go on anything (after walking across park and standing in line) I very carefully considered who I “theme parked” with. It’s NOT a great venue for various heights ages courage and abilities. I would not mix my loving parents with other children…step or not. I know my parents limits and preferences and the day out seems to be for THEM to enjoy their dgc. Tell dsc it’s a day out for grands and kids and they can plan a day with their dad. Or you will go another time but this ONE time it’s not a family outing. Tell DH to plan his day with his kids. If he shows up at theme park off they go to their own choice rides. And navigating difficult men….fully expect him to pout blame complain or be pissed off. This too will pass and OP you have to softly but firmly push back or he will railroad his way on everything. He and they will get over it and your parents will so enjoy the day

I also think it's telling that the DH is now intending to 'flex his work until the evening' rather than actually taking a day off. Presumably this means that as soon as they get home from their day out, during which time he has left the actual hard work of parenting to OP, he'll disappear off to his home office leaving OP to deal with three overtired, grouchy kids and be responsible for dinner/bedtime/evening entertainment for them all. It also presumably means that the original plan was for him to work his usual hours, leaving OP to deal with all the kids at home, until this plan was scuppered on finding out that OP had made her own plans with her DC and wider family.

If the DH really wants his DC not to miss out then he needs to be fully responsible for them. If not then I agree it is sad for the SDC but that is solely the responsibility of their father!

I completely agree. He thought OP would be at home to watch his children, even though she hadn't planned on it. so now he wants to come so she'll help deal with them, and will then piss off back to his home office when they get home leaving her to deal with them for the evening. Probably pop out of it to be fed, though, eh?

OP, you've married a guy who's a shit parent. I hope you are planning to lay it out for him that things need to change because it can't continue like this. Imagine his first wife showed him the door for similar reasons.

OP, go and have a lovely day out with your son and your extended family. I come from a SC family combination and what you are proposing is completely ok. Your SC will have other days out with you, your DH and your son. Enjoy yourself.

There will be other days out. Your DH can plan it

YANBU

Siblings are not always a homogeneous group who want to do everything together. The step children may fancy the idea of the park, but probably are less keen to do it with a bunch of people they don't know and a much younger step sibling who will cramp their style.

All other things being equal they will understand that in blended families people have their own grandparents and other relations,, and that this is a visit by them to you and your child.

As a child I hated being dragged along after my brother, or him coming out on 'my' outings which he then ruined because he was unhappy/bored/a prick.

I am fairly certain they would much rather do something fun with their dad, just them. You should suggest that they have some 'just us and dad' time If he can't be arsed then that is not you being unreasonable.

Aside from the day out - if your SC can be argumentative and full on - they also need to learn that their behaviour is offputting and impacts on what you will and won't do with them.
No one wants to go on a day out and hear bickering going on - if they are playing up just because you are SM and don't like being told what to do by you because Dad is being lazy - then ground rules need to be laid by everyone.
So at an appropriate time, you all get together and suggest rules and then discuss which ones will be the ones you will all abide by and write them out.
It can be difficult for SCs to know their boundaries particularly if they are living or staying in different homes and Dad will allow something that their Mum won't.

I bet your DC doesn't get invited to excursions with half-siblings and family on their mum's side, so why should they be included in a special time with your family, given you don't see them often? Tell them you're going out with your family tomorrow and their dad will be organising something for them. Then stay quiet and let DH deal with it. If they keep asking you what they'll be doing, just smile and say their dad is the one to ask.

Go out with your family tomorrow with a clear conscience, it's time for DH to step up and deal with his kids just for once instead of letting you do it all. Not fair to try to make you some sort of evil uncaring stepmother when you're obviously not - just keep turning it back on him.

you horrible person and honestly i don't usually call anyone that as usually there's a justifiable reason but your being plain nasty towards those kids. Imo there's no justifiable reason you can use especially as dh saying he can come along to supervise

Very strong words! Read the thread - it's highly unlikely DH would supervise even if he did come along, he'd be off in a corner on his phone leaving her to do it all and ruining her special day out with her parents and sister.

I totally agree with the OP. I had older step sisters and we never went anywhere without them with my mother bending over backwards to make sure they were included. They didn't like me, made no effort with me or my mother. They ruined nice days out for me because we always had to do what they wanted and they continuously bickered and fought. As adults we have nothing to do with each other, regardless of how hard my mother tried. Some families just don't blend and sometimes you should be allowed to do your own thing!

I think you're getting some harsh replies OP.

You're perfectly entitled to have a day out with your parents, sister and let the cousins bond.

Not everyone wants to be tied at the hip.

If this was part of a pattern where the op routinely treats her DC differently to the SC then I agree that’s awful, but this is a one off treat from the child’s grandparents. Are OP’s parents not allowed to treat their grandchild unless the SC also go along?

The SC may well get taken out by one of their other 2 sets of grandparents without OP’s child going along. Step siblings don’t always have to do everything together.

This thread is really disappointing in the way people are so keen to vilify a woman and blame her for the issues created by her husband. The day wouldn’t work well with the SC there because DH is a crap parent, but let’s all gang up on OP and criticise her for not picking up the slack created by his laziness.

truly, the patriarchy is strong.