to not invite them on this day out

[QueenBlue]

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5.

They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it.

The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative.

DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child.

Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8.

My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

So imagine how'd you feel if ur dc was left out whilst dh and stepkids went out for a fun day out ,right in front of you.

Well they’re all his kids, so OP would justifiably feel upset yes. Same with the shared paternal grandparents.

My step mum did exactly this type of thing. I would never do this with my own step children.

If I were the grandparent in this situation I’d be pretty pissed off at having my plans to spend time with family gatecrashed by a useless man and his badly behaved children. You aren’t being unreasonable at all OP, go and enjoy your time and let the idiot parent his own kids for the day.

And was she fully justified like the OP?
Was your father useless and you ruined other people's day?

Sorry, but you’re punishing your child’s older siblings because of issues you have with your DH’s parenting.

This is wrong and this sort of arrangement is ultimately harmful to your child’s relationship with their siblings. It’s also harmful to your relationship with DH and puts him in an awful dilemma from which you will lose out in the end.

Please don’t do this. I know firsthand that it’s very hard to be a step parent, so you may need couples counselling to help him understand your perspective and take better responsibility, and for you to understand what he’s asking from you as a step parent.

I'm sorry for how you were treated, but the dad's behaviour is more relevant in this situation. I hope your dad stepped up for you.

To deliberately exclude children is just plain nasty - if they’re with you when events occur, they should be invited. You’re just sending them a clear signal what you think of them. How would you feel if your child was the step-child in this situation and they were left out of this sort of trip?

My step mum did exactly this type of thing. I would never do this with my own step children.

I think context is everything though. OP in this case isn’t in the wrong.

She hasn’t booked it blatantly to exclude them or rub it in their faces and make a big song and dance about it all to hurt them.

She’s simply having a day out with her family on a day when she thought they wouldn’t be there. She is allowed to do things without them, without it being seen as nasty.

It's fine for your parents to be taking you, your sister, your own DC and your nephew out for the day at an amusement park. I am sure you will all have a brilliant time together.

There is absolutely no reason why your DH can't choose to take the day off and have an outing with his DC, your Step-kids, at the same amusement park.

It would be reasonable to agree that because the larger a group, the more unweildy it becomes, you aren't there together as a massive group of 9 - your group of 6 is the maximum you can reasonably coordinate movements for, so the trio of your DH, SS&SD need to be independent of you (maybe meeting up for an icecream at some point but not attempting to spend the day together more closely than that)

Given that SS&SD are still relatively young, and certainly young enough to enjoy an amusement park, it would be a bit off to make them have an ordinary boring day at home, but that is up to your DH - if he wants them to have a fun day out he needs to make it happen and be the grownup in charge, not just offload them onto you.

I don't understand some of these comments. I am also from a blended family and so is my partner. This was fairly normal to us and everyone understands the different dynamics of older children and step families etc my DH used to spend all his holidays with his mothers parents and cousins, his half siblings never went and would often go to their grandparents. When people try to force this type of thing, to force a step parent or child to pretend or act as if they're not step family members, its actually worse. Of course you should do family day outs with them, but its also fine for your family to want to see you and the kids alone sometimes. It's also really important that your partner has days with his kids alone. I do not think its wrong of you to want to spend time with your parents and sister and the kids alone at all.

@DinoRoar14 No, she wasn't. If we ever did go anywhere, it would be her kids that kicked off, although she would of course deny that. She just made it crystal clear we were not welcome with "her" family. And no @Paq he didn't. He is a spineless shit that I haven't seen in years. On the positive side, it has made me a much better SM to my own SDC.

Your SC aren't exactly excluded - a family day was planned and they were not due to be around (which was presumably why it was planned when it was). They are now around but with record of poor behaviour/husband not managing them, reasonable to carry on with original plan.
(Slightly different, but I have 2 children, if one is poorly behaved, they might miss out on a day out whilst the other wouldn't! )

@Buildingthefuture ❤️💐 I'm sorry and glad you have loved ones around you now.

Too many crap dads around, expecting women to do their parenting for them.

Exactly. This is on him.

The outing with your parents is fine. Enjoy!

Nonsense. Their father can have a day out with them, rather than ruin an outing several others had been looking forward to.

Yes, this.

The problem is his laziness, not OP.

The fairest outcome is that H also goes to the theme park with the SCs and has an age appropriate day with them.

Fair and equal are not always identical, but it is harsh to leave some children in the family out of a big, exciting, potentially age appropriate day. I do different things with my children to balance their different individual interests, but it adds up to the same emotional value.

The real issue here is a lazy Disney dad (and that won't help with their behaviour) but while a step mum shouldn't have to parent on his behalf, it is also damaging if she focuses on her own children to the detriment of the step children. It's happened in my family where step and half siblings recieved notibly different levels of treatment from their parents and step-parents and it was very damaging and has caused a legacy lasting many decades. A spectacular low point was the child of the deceased having their existance omitted at their parent's funeral by the step-parent. No amount of having other extended family makes up for being repeatedly left-out and rejected, and that was the final insult after 50 years of it.

TBH, I'd be assessing the future of the relationship if I was with someone who CBAed to parent their children fairly.

I also think it's telling that the DH is now intending to 'flex his work until the evening' rather than actually taking a day off. Presumably this means that as soon as they get home from their day out, during which time he has left the actual hard work of parenting to OP, he'll disappear off to his home office leaving OP to deal with three overtired, grouchy kids and be responsible for dinner/bedtime/evening entertainment for them all.

Perfectly put - DH sounds like he looks for every opp to get someone else to do the work of parenting.

OP, bear in mind that some people lose their minds over 'fairness' when an amusement park in involved. I bet if you and your DC were going for a walk and a picnic with your family there wouldn't be such an outcry.

It’s not their fault their parents have split up.

It’s not their fault, no. But equally so, OP doesn’t have to spend her life compensating and feeling like she owes them one.
It’s been over a half a decade since their parents split. It can’t be used as an excuse forever.

**feeling like she owes them one for something that also isn’t her fault either.

I'm sorry you were put through that as a child. Huge kudos to you for having the decency to rise above it as an adult and to be the kind of step-parent that children deserve. They are very very lucky to have you.

OP is in the right. This was a treat organized by her parents for their two grandchildren in order to spend special time with them and also for the two cousins to be with each other. It's not OP's place to 'invite' two other children, SC or not.

If their dad wants his children to go to this theme park, he can arrange to take them himself. OP's DC can stay home for that particular trip so it will be 'just for them'. Just as the upcoming trip is 'just for OP's DC'. My parents once took my brother and a friend to Disneyland for his birthday. Was I sad that I didn't get to go? Of course. But I got over it because I knew that 'my turn would come'.

It doesn't sound as if her parents are especially close to her DH's two children, and regardless of other people's opinions they (the grandparents) have the right to set the parameters for their relationship.

The op isn't 'fully justified'.

That’s so mean

Of course they're not close. She actively doesn't want them to spend time together!