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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not invite them on this day out

1000 replies

QueenBlue · 08/08/2023 10:03

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5.

They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it.

The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative.

DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child.

Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8.

My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

OP posts:

user1471538283 · 08/08/2023 12:38

@WorkingItOutAsIGo - has a very good point. My DS has a really close friend who is a twin and the brothers went places with their DM, DF and DGM separately at times. Again it evened out.

Sigmama · 08/08/2023 12:39

Doesn't the 5 year old want to hang out with his older siblings?

CherryMaDeara · 08/08/2023 12:41

He wants to come with us and spend the day with us and I know the reason why... because he wants to take them out but doesn't want to take them by himself. As per usual.

Yet another thread where a step-mum is supposed to make up for a Disney Dad.

OP, DH needs to get used to caring for his own kids.

YANBU at all, go out and have fun, without him and DC.

Strictly1 · 08/08/2023 12:44

This is all about you and what you want. You are meant to be a family but your actions will make it very clear you’re not. Your poor step children.
You try to blame your husband but it is your sc who will pay the price for you to score your point.
All very sad.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 08/08/2023 12:45

I'm with you, OP.
It's a treat from your biological children's grandparents, they're not the SC grandparents. If YOU didn't go, would people still expect them to take the SC?
He needs to wake up to his responsibilities. You're right, he just doesn't want to cope with his children alone.

Polew · 08/08/2023 12:46

Nah. Crack on with just the family but honestly? Do they need to come back to yours for tea & to see the step children ? Probably best to just stay out for lunch/afternoon tea & head home (assuming it's not a Long drive)

DinoRoar14 · 08/08/2023 12:47

Strictly1 · 08/08/2023 12:44

Except its not.
It's about OP, her child, her sister, her nephew, her mum and dad.

So all those people have to have a day ruined just for a shit father and two kids they probably aren't that close to?

WiggelyWooWorm · 08/08/2023 12:49

For me, the one aspect that's not been explored in your posts, OP - is how your step children will feel about being excluded from this day?

There's talk of what you want, your parents want, your DH wants etc.

What would thechildren themselves want?

Spacemoon · 08/08/2023 12:51

I have no personal experience of step families so may be way off the mark here, but just going off the experience of witnessing the step families I know quite well... I find it odd that SC aren't automatically included in family days out. They are your SC and so they are your parents step GC. If it were me in this situation, I would hope my parents would treat all the kids equally and like they were all their grandkids ...as I would see them all as my kids.

From your replies, it sounds a bit like you have a few issues with your SC and their behaviour which may be clouding your opinion here.

Personally, I don't think anyone is being particularly unreasonable and can kind of see both sides in this particular scenario. However, I do think it's a weird set up overall, to not have all kids seen as kids/grandkids and have the step kids as separate and not seen as part of 'your' family.

Eddielizzard · 08/08/2023 12:51

Hold firm. I wouldn't bring your family back home unless they need to.

Your DH sounds like a responsibility dodging shit. Sorry

IfYouDontAsk · 08/08/2023 12:53

^^ totally agree

SpainToday · 08/08/2023 12:53

Your parents just want to spend some time with their own DC and DGC. I would be the same if I ever have DGC. I'm sure your SC spend time with their mother's and father's parents so it all evens out.

This. I am a step parent and understand the dynamics the OP is describing. And I never see the point of trying to force relationships with other people’s extended families, it’s unnatural

Thatboymum · 08/08/2023 12:54

I hope you stick to your guns here op you are entitled to spend time with your family alone. I think it would be different if you sc had a strong relationship with your own family but they don’t they hardly know them. I wouldn’t feel bad at all and your partner just sounds like a typical lazy Disney dad who can’t be arsed with his own kids

honeylulu · 08/08/2023 12:55

I think you are right in this instance. Your parents are hosting a day out for their daughters and grandchildren, end of. If your step kids maternal grandparents take them to a theme park I bet your kid doesn't get invited.

I can sort of see how you could be swayed by the fact that H is saying he will come too (and therefore available to manage the step kids) but I've got a funny feeling that once you agree he'll suddenly realise he is too busy at work after all, and it's all on you anyway.

Neonyellowfish · 08/08/2023 12:59

YANBU.

Your child is allowed some time with his grandparents without the SC tagging along.

Your DH can take them out if he’s that bothered.

Gymnopedie · 08/08/2023 12:59

So to all those saying how unfair it is to the SDCs.

Suppose the DH steps up, takes a day off and does something fun with his DCs. He wants some time with just them. He doesn't take the child he has with OP.

Would you:

Tell him how unfair that was, that he should take all the DCs, they're a blended family and the 5yo would like to spend some time with his siblings

Support him all the way because it's right that the DCs have some quality 1-1 time with him and he's being a good father to them?

DisforDarkChocolate · 08/08/2023 13:01

YANBU, however, in the interest of family harmony could your husband meet you all there later in the day?

At an amusement park your step children are going to want to go on very different rides than your youngest and your nephew. All in one group will be a pain, one group of children will always want to be somewhere else. If he takes them himself and then meets you later on for the last hour or two you will all have more fun.

Paq · 08/08/2023 13:04

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 08/08/2023 10:37

I think that is so tight.

You're going to an amusement park and you don't want them to come, even though their dad is willing to change his working hours to come along?

Surely the older kids will want to go different rides etc.

Can they not go off with their dad, rather than you outright banning them.

I couldn't comprehend doing this.

The real issue is your husband. You need to be straight with him that because he has form for being a backseat parent his kids are missing out.

YANBU. It's sad for the SDs but YANBU.

Paq · 08/08/2023 13:05

Sorry, quoted the wrong post!

Whichwhatnow · 08/08/2023 13:06

I agree with others that it would be unreasonable to exclude the kids IF your DH would be prepared to be fully responsible for them, deal with their arguments/snacks/demands etc and ideally take them off for at least part of the day so that the GPs and aunty/cousin can have some quality time with the OP and her DC. Doesn't sound like this would be the case.

I also think it's telling that the DH is now intending to 'flex his work until the evening' rather than actually taking a day off. Presumably this means that as soon as they get home from their day out, during which time he has left the actual hard work of parenting to OP, he'll disappear off to his home office leaving OP to deal with three overtired, grouchy kids and be responsible for dinner/bedtime/evening entertainment for them all. It also presumably means that the original plan was for him to work his usual hours, leaving OP to deal with all the kids at home, until this plan was scuppered on finding out that OP had made her own plans with her DC and wider family.

If the DH really wants his DC not to miss out then he needs to be fully responsible for them. If not then I agree it is sad for the SDC but that is solely the responsibility of their father!

IfYouDontAsk · 08/08/2023 13:07

Your scenario is different Gymnopedie. That’s about children who don’t live with their father full time having some one on one time with him. The OP’s child already lives with both parents full time and therefore already gets has that one on one time with each parent when the half siblings are with their mum.

This is about not inviting all children who are half siblings and part of the same family on a day out to a theme park, and what message is sent to those children if they’re not included.

NerrSnerr · 08/08/2023 13:09

It sounds like the OP's husband won't take them out himself and will only do the day out if a woman is there to arrange it and do the hard work.

He should take his children somewhere for the day, or take them to the same place but maybe on another day.

If my husband/ partner was so incompetent that he couldn't even take his own kids on a day out without someone else arranging it he wouldn't be my husband/ partner for long.

Why do so many women put up with such incompetence?

SerendipitySmiles · 08/08/2023 13:10

IMHO there's probably a lot of background missing here and always hard to comment in isolation but (!!!) you and your husband created this blended family and, as usual, it's the children that are not the biological kids of both of the partnered-up adults that are suffering. They are young children. You and husband are adults. Sounds like you don't want SC there because they get in the way (you mention arguments etc), also sounds like there's plenty of reason for the SC to be "difficult" (not wanted, not welcome, parents not together). The more I type, the more my heart goes out to the SC, and they're so young

HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 08/08/2023 13:12

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/08/2023 11:13

I think if I was your DH I would be arranging to take all 3 of my children out whilst you enjoyed some quality time with your parents and sister.

The point is the grandparents want to spend time with their grandchildren too! DH taking the child out with his other children doesn't help this time

MeridianB · 08/08/2023 13:13

This is about time with your family. It happens to include an amusement park. It's fine for your DC to go and for DH to spend 1:2 time with his DC.

I guarantee he would not just take them off and look after them by himself. It's precisely why he won't just go and do something different with them just them, he wants to tag along to this so I can be there to help and he gets to look great for taking them on a fun day out. It's always the way.

This is what nails it for me. He's a lazy parent. Time for him to step up.

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