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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite them on this day out

1000 replies

QueenBlue · 08/08/2023 10:03

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5.

They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it.

The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative.

DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child.

Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8.

My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

OP posts:
123sunshine · 08/08/2023 12:19

I undersdtand your point entirely and wanting time with your family. However an amusement park is quite a treat day and to leave two children behind is cruel. These actions will build up resepntments and cause problems in your family relationships with your step children. I think a compromise may be that your husband comes along with the step children, they will surely want to do different rides as older and he can facilitate that and take them off, giving you some spce with your family. I appreciate thats not quite the day your had planned and I too would be frustrated ( I have a step child too, though now an adult). Step chldren do change the dynamics in a day out /relationships etc. Sadly its worked out to be a no win day, whever action you take will have a consequence for someone.

whumpthereitis · 08/08/2023 12:20

“I wouldn't leave them out. They are part of your family now.”

So? She’s probably got plenty of other family members that also haven’t been invited.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 08/08/2023 12:20

@QueenBlue out of curiosity, does he also expect your parents/you to pay for him and the kids too?

Wenfy · 08/08/2023 12:21

Your DH sounds like a piece of shit OP. In my opinion you should take your DC and leave the SC with him. He must parent his own kids

vibecheck · 08/08/2023 12:21

I feel sorry for your husband! I’d be so sad if my husband told me he didn’t want me to come on a day out with his sister and parents and our child. That’s not what being a family means to me.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 08/08/2023 12:21

‘If you care about your step children and want a good relationship with them invite them, if you don’t then don’t, it’s your choice.’

Emotional blackmail - so if she doesn’t invite them, she’s a wicked witch who won’t have a good relationship?! That’s a bit mean to imply because the children have a fucking shit father. Why are you blaming the mother here? Where is the useless father in all of the blame?!

uncomfortablydumb53 · 08/08/2023 12:22

I completely understand your view
It would be completely unreasonable to exclude SC from the day out if it was you and DH going, but the fact that it's a gift from your parents to include you DC and DSis and nephew makes a difference
DH is a lazy parent expecting you to include them.
The best idea I can think of is DH takes SC around the park, you have time with your parents then meet for lunch and tea before going home

DinoRoar14 · 08/08/2023 12:22

vibecheck · 08/08/2023 12:21

I feel sorry for your husband! I’d be so sad if my husband told me he didn’t want me to come on a day out with his sister and parents and our child. That’s not what being a family means to me.

No but its apparently what being a father means.
Jump from one poor woman to the next and burden her with everything so you can continue to be useless.

GolgafrinchamB · 08/08/2023 12:23

YANBU

It is a day out for your parents to spend time with their daughters and their grandchildren. Of course your step children aren’t part of that, on a day they would normally be with their mum.

This is about your parents having a family day out, not you taking the children and being deliberately exclusionary.

DH can arrange any number of things to treat his older children. He can’t gatecrash something neither he nor they were invited to.

aSofaNearYou · 08/08/2023 12:23

vibecheck · 08/08/2023 12:21

I feel sorry for your husband! I’d be so sad if my husband told me he didn’t want me to come on a day out with his sister and parents and our child. That’s not what being a family means to me.

You'd have earned it if you had your own kids and lazily left your spouse to deal with them, it would be no wonder if they didn't want you to come.

Gymnopedie · 08/08/2023 12:23

OP you're a stepmum. MN is the wrong place to ask because you're not allowed to do anything without the SDCs. Meanwhile, like a lot of stepmums, you're married to a man who expects you to do all the graft while he plays Disney dad.

If DH was going to be there anyway but you didn't want to take his children that would be a different case. But that isn't what's happening. I see nothing wrong with you going with just your DCs. If DH wants his children to have a treat, HE can arrange it. Book a day off and take them out on his own. (And if he did, would anyone say that it was unfair to your DCs? Answer - no. He'd be praised for having some quality time alone with them.)

Enjoy your day, and tell him to parent up.

PonkyPonky · 08/08/2023 12:25

YANBU. I do stuff with my family with just DS sometimes. SDC are older and don’t enjoy the same things anyway. Plus I like to just hang out with my mum and DS sometimes without everyone else. As long as they are included in things that would interest them then it’s fine

NortieTortie · 08/08/2023 12:27

OK, dad could take them elsewhere -- but where else would compare to a bloody theme park to two young kids?

How you can happily close the door on your stepchildren sitting at home with their dad working while you take your bio kid out for a massively fun day, I don't know.

Not right at all imo.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 08/08/2023 12:28

It’s a day trip to a theme park that seems to be age appropriate for them. Therefore on this occasion they are being left out of something that would interest them.

DinoRoar14 · 08/08/2023 12:29

NortieTortie · 08/08/2023 12:27

OK, dad could take them elsewhere -- but where else would compare to a bloody theme park to two young kids?

How you can happily close the door on your stepchildren sitting at home with their dad working while you take your bio kid out for a massively fun day, I don't know.

Not right at all imo.

So he can take them.
On his own. Away from OP so he doesn't ruin their day.

It is right because they and his useless parenting are not her problem.

Be a shit parent. Make kids who aren't likeable and shock horror they aren't welcome places.

IfYouDontAsk · 08/08/2023 12:29

Your step children are your family. If they’re not bothered about going to the theme park then crack on, but if they would like to go then it would be really wrong to not include them. It would send a really horrible message to them.

When you marry a man who’s already a parent the step kids are part of the package.

Blankscreen · 08/08/2023 12:33

OP you will get crucified for this on here but I get it.

You are now caught in the middle.

I would say to DH fine he can come with the step dc, you travel together, he takes them off to the older rides, you convene at lunch time and then go your separate ways again. And then go home together.
Conditions are:-

  1. They are ready to leave when you are no hanging around for home to finish his work etc.
  2. He sorts drinks and picnic (if needed) for them otherwise it just adds to your workload
  3. You agree a spend per child for the gift shop (if anything) and that is it.
user1471538283 · 08/08/2023 12:33

My DF loved everyone and always tried to include children but I know the best time for him when was when it was just him, me and my DS. Particularly if it was just my DS. My DS has such good memories of just him and his DGF doing things together.

Your parents just want to spend some time with their own DC and DGC. I would be the same if I ever have DGC. I'm sure your SC spend time with their mother's and father's parents so it all evens out.

Your DH has to arrange something for just him and his DC this time. They do not have to go to everything the other DCs go to.

It does sound like he has planned a lovely day for him - off to a theme park and not having to parent!

thecatinthetwat · 08/08/2023 12:35

I don’t think you can exclude them in this scenario. But the problem is that your DH is a useless shit. I would take them, explain to DH what he needs to do as their parent to make the day work and then if he doesn’t and allows everyone’s day to be ruined then you start to sort this problem out properly. He can’t just carry on being a useless shit.

aSofaNearYou · 08/08/2023 12:35

IfYouDontAsk · 08/08/2023 12:29

Your step children are your family. If they’re not bothered about going to the theme park then crack on, but if they would like to go then it would be really wrong to not include them. It would send a really horrible message to them.

When you marry a man who’s already a parent the step kids are part of the package.

There are all sorts of step families, this is really just one example. Some are far less involved.

Snugglemonkey · 08/08/2023 12:36

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 08/08/2023 12:06

In which case the SC need to understand that the different dynamics are not down to the fact that they are SC, but the fact that they are badly behaved and their stepmum is fed up being the one to manage the behaviour. Sometimes MN really does have double standards. I’ve seen multiple threads roundly condemning men for expecting subsequent partners to deal with their children while they have very little input, let alone one to one time with their own kids. It sounds as though this is a similar situation and yet the OP is getting a hard time.

Show quote history

Are they actually behaving badly? They are full on on and argumentative. I would wonder if the arguments are a reflection of something deeper like security. Are they feeling secure? Do they feel loved? Do they have to compete for time/attention/resources? Are they being parented well?

I do not think the blame can be just dumped on the step children. They are children. They are dependent on the adults around them to be properly managing things and providing what they need. Their behaviour is partly a reflection of the adults around them. I fail to see how other ingredients them helps.

If DH is as useless as he seems, why bother with him or these awkward children who still are not considered family, despite an awful lot of time as members of your family?

Maddy70 · 08/08/2023 12:36

What sort of a family doesn't take the step children. If it's your time to have them then that's it

aSofaNearYou · 08/08/2023 12:37

Maddy70 · 08/08/2023 12:36

What sort of a family doesn't take the step children. If it's your time to have them then that's it

It's his time to have them, and as the plan stands, he isn't going.

WhamBamThankU · 08/08/2023 12:37

I can actually see this from both sides so I can see why you're torn. So I don't have an answer to suggest, but you do have my sympathy. Step parenting is hard, parenting is hard, being with a not great Co-parent is hard.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/08/2023 12:38

I think yanbu in this case. It sounds as if you make plenty of effort for your step kids. If you allow your husband to muscle in with his kids, this will also impact on your 5 year old as the 8 yo cousin is probably going to want to do what the older children do rather than the younger.

If he can’t see any other angle, perhaps he will be able to understand it will disappoint your youngest. It isn’t about treating everyone the same. But about treating everyone equally. Put the ball in his court and suggest perhaps he can come up with something you do as a family with all 3 dcs another day.

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