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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite them on this day out

1000 replies

QueenBlue · 08/08/2023 10:03

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5.

They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it.

The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative.

DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child.

Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8.

My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

OP posts:
DinoRoar14 · 08/08/2023 12:08

Meeting · 08/08/2023 12:07

You've got all the excuses in the world but what you're doing is mean and nasty.

You're going to get up in the morning and get one child ready to go to a theme park whilst the other two sit at home.

I can't imagine being so callous.

While their father does what?

Meeting · 08/08/2023 12:09

While their father does what?

Whilst their father offers to take them but is told no they can't come.

DinoRoar14 · 08/08/2023 12:09

Meeting · 08/08/2023 12:09

While their father does what?

Whilst their father offers to take them but is told no they can't come.

So he is so unbelievably useless he can't do a thing without the OP having to support and take the burden?

ihadamarveloustime · 08/08/2023 12:10

YANBU, OP.

There is nothing stopping your husband for doing something similar with his two children who are at yours unexpectedly.

You have every right to want to spend the day with your parents and sister and nephew alone with your own child once in a while, especially since they live so far away and this is a rarity for you. Every right.

It sounds like the real problem is your husband can't be arsed to look after his own children or do anything with them and relies entirely on you to arrange and do the heavy lifting for days out while he pretends he's Disney dad and watches you do the hard work. That needs to stop. and you need to make it clear that that needs to stop and you're not going to enable it any longer.

Needingachange · 08/08/2023 12:11

if you want to be a family then you need to bring them along (with dh who’s offered to join so not to place the whole burden on you)

if you don’t then you need to accept it will
never be a “proper” family as you are segregating everyone

Seaweed42 · 08/08/2023 12:11

But the step children are your family?

itsmylife7 · 08/08/2023 12:12

Stick to your guns on this OP.

Remember people, the Step children don't live with the OP and this particular date isn't one they're normally there !

Meeting · 08/08/2023 12:12

So he is so unbelievably useless he can't do a thing without the OP having to support and take the burden?

What the hell are you talking about?
One of the man's children is being taken to a theme park. He knows his other two would like it and wants to take them too. OP says fuck off go somewhere else.

Hankunamatata · 08/08/2023 12:12

Dh takes his kids in one car and you go in another. Surely the older kids will be doing big rides with dh while your doing smaller stuff with your dc

TinkerbellefromYorkshire · 08/08/2023 12:14

I wouldn't leave them out. They are part of your family now.

TakeNoNoticeoftheNoise · 08/08/2023 12:14

@Seaweed42 there are many hundreds of threads saying quite the opposite. Step mums are not considered family unless it is an occasion that entirely suits the stepchildrens' mother, Disney Dad, ex-in laws, etc. Most of the time they are not to overstep their mark, keep quiet and know their place.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 08/08/2023 12:14

I have three DC with the same DH and I would feel perfectly fine taking just one out for the day with my parents/nephew so they had quality time one on one, and it should be no different with step-children. Everyone doesn’t have to do everything.

DinoRoar14 · 08/08/2023 12:14

Meeting · 08/08/2023 12:12

So he is so unbelievably useless he can't do a thing without the OP having to support and take the burden?

What the hell are you talking about?
One of the man's children is being taken to a theme park. He knows his other two would like it and wants to take them too. OP says fuck off go somewhere else.

So he can. Go somewhere else.
Or go there with the kids. On his own.

He has unlimited options that don't involve the OP. But he wants to specifically ruin her day.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 08/08/2023 12:14

frazzledasarock · 08/08/2023 10:39

i think it’s a good thing for your DH to spend some quality one on one time with both his children. Why can’t he organise something for the three of them why does he need to barge in on your family time?

Agree with this

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 08/08/2023 12:14

You’ve asked a question, a lot of people have told you you are being mean and unreasonable whilst lots have said it’s fine and not your problem. So you decide what you want. Based on your responses it’s pretty clear that you aren’t changing your mind.
If you care about your step children and want a good relationship with them invite them, if you don’t then don’t, it’s your choice.

Fraaahnces · 08/08/2023 12:15

Have you called him out on his shit parenting @QueenBlue? Tell him you’re not carrying the Can for this one.

vivainsomnia · 08/08/2023 12:15

Assuming that your relationship with you SCs is good, trusting, emotionally stable, there should be no issue with going with your family whilst agreeing that their dad will take them somewhere alone that same day or another.

However, it is if the relationship is frazzled. You say that you don't look forward to them coming and that usually mean that things are not great and even if you make efforts to hide your feelings you can bet they know very well that you much prefer when they are not there.

In that case, going and making it clear they are not welcome will just reinforce their feelings of rejection and will most likely lead to resentment.

This is when things spiral downwards. They feel hurt, they make little efforts to please you, they don't acknowledge the efforts you make when it suits you. They become the ungrateful brats, you become the spiteful stepmum after months and years.

So it's up to you, but I'd say that if relationships are a bit tense, be prepared for things to get worse afterwards if you go ahead, regardless of whose fault it.

ihadamarveloustime · 08/08/2023 12:17

The point has been very clearly made by OP: Her husband WILL NOT do his own thing with his two children at the theme park. He won't do it. He will insist on staying with OP and her family and make her wrangle his children and manage their behaviour/fights/disagreements while they take over the day and ruin it for everyone else. All while taking credit for taking a day off work and taking them to a theme park. OP DOES ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING ON THEIR DAYS OUT. ALL OF IT!

Why the fuck should she have to let her useless husband horn in on and ruin her day with her mom and sister/nephew which is what WILL happen.

Children are entitled to separate times with their parents on occasion.

This is one of those occasions for OP and her son. And she is perfectly within her rights to take it.

She is not stopping her husband for doing the same with his own children. HE is stopping it, because he won't take them out by himself. Very telling.

whumpthereitis · 08/08/2023 12:17

Lol at people telling OP what she has to do, like she actually has to do anything of the sort.

YANBU OP. If he wants to organise a day out with his kids then he’s free to do so, he doesn’t get to muscle in on yours.

blackbeardsballsack · 08/08/2023 12:17

Superfood · 08/08/2023 11:21

Well done, punish all the kids because you married and had children with a dickhead. 👏

Punished by...spending time with their dad who is fully capable of taking them out anywhere he wants?

Mumof4plusbonus · 08/08/2023 12:18

Yanbu. It will change the dynamic and make a lovely day stressful. Everyone talking about the poor step kids. If it’s poor stepkids then it’s because of their father not op. Those poor stepkids would probably be ecstatic to get a day out with just their dad to themselves. If op said their dad was taking them out and leaving her and their child out everyone would be shouting he’s right to spend time alone with them and op should take the joint child out.
Do not let him take over this. You have limited days like this with your parents, it should be about them as much as anyone.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 08/08/2023 12:18

He sounds like a great father. Not.

Why are you with someone so useless? Can’t even look after his own kids?

GreenMonstersParty · 08/08/2023 12:18

I'd say no to my husband. Ive arranged a day out with my family and will be taking my child only. If he's happy to take the day off tomorrow he can take his kids somewhere himself. You know him best but I imagine he will expect the day to be dominated by what his children want to do and he will happily leave the parenting of his older 2 kids to you and your family. There is nothing wrong with kids within the same family doing different things - full siblings or half/step. Dont be pressurised into changing your plans to suit him. He agreed to have his kids extra so he can amuse them.

aSofaNearYou · 08/08/2023 12:19

Of course YANBU, don't even waste time thinking about it.

CluelessHamster · 08/08/2023 12:19

I can totally understand why you'd want to go with just your parents, sister, nephew and child.

However, I do think it will be really shitty for the stepkids to be left behind. Their behaviour, while annoying and a pita to deal with, doesn't sound too unusual for that age group. And it's not their fault their dad is useless.

I get that them coming will change the dynamic and you'll all have a frustrating day - apart from Disney dad of course!

I know it's late in the day but is there no way you could rearrange the day with your parents to a day when the stepkids are at their mum's - sounds like this was originally the plan and would have worked much better for everyone.

And, in future, don't tell him your plans in advance!

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