to not invite them on this day out

[QueenBlue]

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5.

They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it.

The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative.

DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child.

Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8.

My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

Sorry about the double post. Reported.

I totally understand all your feelings on principle for this OP, and you could have done this day if they were at their mums. But I think unfortunately because they’re actually with you on this occasion, you will have to include everyone. You’re in the right but it’s also guaranteed that being left out will make kids feel horrible.

If I was you I would reschedule my parents to the next weekend the SC are away so you can have the day that you planned.

If the husband is such a wonderful caring dad he’d have organised buying tickets and sort getting them to the amusement park himself. It’s not a top secret Mi5 mission.

Why does the responsibility always fall on the step mum/mum

They are his children, he there’s nothing wrong with the OP wanting time with her family without having to parent 2 other children whilst their dad plays docile.

If their Dad can flex his work hours to go with the OP’s parents he can flex it to take his children out for the day.

The fact he won’t says it all. He’s not bothered about his kids having a day out - he’s bothered about not being left to care for them solo all day.

Its an ideal opportunity for him to do something with his two older children that doesn’t involve them catering for a younger sibling.

@QueenBlue Is this laziness on his part something that’s really kicked in since you’ve had your DC together?

I'd say, OK, they are in a different age group, H takes them as a separate group, they do their rides, & you do the younger age attractions, you meet at some point for food if this is what's happening.
They will be bored stupid if they have to hang around while your 5 yr old is on a baby attraction.
That way your H has to deal with their potential bad behaviour, & your parents have a nice day with you.
For me it would be this or nothing

If this dad isn’t prepared to parent his own dc by himself for one day perhaps he should have thought long and hard before actually having them. She is not more responsible for this man’s dc than he is. He is their father and refuses to spend time with them or plan anything fun at all. It’s embarrassing that you are trying to put this on op.

I think it is fine for you and your family to go on an already arranged outing. I also think it is fine for your OH to step up to the plate and organise an outing for the SC.

If you explain that the outing was already booked but that their dad has booked for them to go to a climbing centre, or paintballing, or go carting I am sure they will be happy. In fact, if I was feeling a tad passive aggressive I might go online and book it for him!

What was he planning to do with them on this unexpected extra day, or was that going to be your responsibility. No need to reply, I think we can all guess.

I don’t disagree. In an ideal world, these men would have a government health warning tattooed on their foreheads to warn off gullible women. Ignore it and it’s your own stupid fault.

Can you arrange to meet your mum and sister at the amusements earlier than originally planned?
Your DH has to work so his kids can wait for him to be ready for some activity in the afternoon. Until then, they must amuse themselves in the house. In the meantime you and your DC have an appointment that you cannot miss so you leave the house.

Your DH though has to realise that he can't always be a "Disney Dad" and has to come up with ideas of where to go and what to do that will entertain his children - all of them. If the organising always falls to you @QueenBlue, then that is a separate matter that you must discuss.

This situation has brought to the forefront exactly how he wants to take a back seat to parenting his own kids - you organise stuff and he'll tag along with them in tow. You are allowed to have time to yourself just as they are. When the step-kids are back with their mother, do you request that your DC gets brought along on activities that they might be doing?

That’s not always the case.

Its well known that abuse often starts in pregnancy and the first year after birth.

I wouldn’t be remotely surprised if the same can be said for the lazy dads.

Certainly my ex used to make himself look like Dad of the Year whenever he got a new girlfriend. Little bit Disney, but went to parents nights, made the kids nutritious meals, made a big song and dance about being the one to take them for their new schools shoes etc. Once he married his (now also ex) wife and they had children he basically expected her to do everything. I don’t think he’s remotely unique.

YANBU.
I wouldn't even fluff it up.

DH if you weren't such an ineffective lazy parent and I could count on you not to let your children's behaviour ruin a very special day for me then maybe this could work.
But you are and they will. So neither they nor you are coming near us.

OP, why exactly are you posting on AIBU? You seem adamant that you’re NOT BU, so what were you hoping to get from this thread?

These threads do my head in. Step Mum doesn't want to include Step Kids. To defend their position they drip feed that husband is a shit Dad.

The only losers are the poor bloody kids who get to watch their sibling go out on a fun day while they miss out.

I know that my granddaughter will probably be a step child one day ,if my daughter marries her partner .He truly adores my granddaughter . I could never imagine this loving guy taking any child he has with my daughter out for the day ,and leaving her at home.

It is a but rubbish for step kids but it is a consequence of dh not parenting them properly out of the house. The fact he wasnt bothered about coming when just ds and nephew and doesnt want to take step children elsewhere does sound like he just wants you to share the parenting. And for one day you dont want to. Dont feel bad about it.

Tell dh "i love step children but gran and auntie arent here often and i want ds and nephew to have rare opportunity together. Let's plan to go back with dsc next month"

To avoid hurting step children tell them booked up a while ago and we will go together soon. You and dad will go to xxxxx (if dh can be bothered)

It sounds like your husband is more concerned about the "optics" than his kids. He wants his older children to have the fun experience of the theme park but he doesn't want to lift a finger to organise it, facilitate it, or take any responsibility for the children he insists should be included.

I'm starting to see why his last relationship broke down 😬

You're BU. DH is bringing them, what's the issue? Unless you dislike your SC which makes you heartless.

Posts like this make me so sad as someone who grew up with a stepmother who didn’t even make a secret out of the fact that she disliked me. I do understand your desire to have a day out with just your child, however you have to accept that when you married someone who already had children they became part of your family unit and need to be treated exactly the same as the child you share together. I don’t understand why you can’t all go out and your DH take his older two children on some rides separately, giving you and your parents the chance to spend some time together?

I think it's perfectly okay to have a nice day with your family. It's not just about the kids. It's about you getting to spend time with your mum and sister too. Extra adults and children make it a much more challenging day. I'm a big believer in not always doing everything as a 'family'. Kids need one-on-one time with their parents. I take mine individually away on holiday or for big days out and leave the other at home. As long as it ultimately balances out, I think it's perfectly fine.

Why doesn't your dh work on Friday, take them out to see a film or something Friday afternoon/evening, then plan to take them himself to the amusement park on Saturday? That way they get two nice days out with their dad and you still get quality time with the kids with your mum and sister, and no one is stretched thin across multiple children of different ages and needs.

I had two step kids. One the same age as my niece with lots in common, I regularly took her to things with my niece as it made the day better. I didn’t take my older stepson though because it would have changed the dynamic, my ex would take him out instead. Likewise my sister didn’t bring her youngest because that would have also changed the activity. As long as all kids are catered for and given the opportunity to enjoy themselves I see no issue in not taking them all. The child’s parent should take them somewhere and entertain them, any other thread slightly different would have everyone reminding OP she isn’t their parent so why is she forced to include them today.

But many families with wide age ranges, especially when there are large gaps as in this case don’t always move and act as one entity. It is quite normal for older children to do things that don’t include younger children and vice versa.

Read the OP’s updates before condemning her in such a nasty way. She’s more than clarified the position, including the fact that DH wasn’t bothered until he found out where they were going.

She also says he never bothers to take it on himself to arrange things with his children - he expects the OP to do it. If he can’t be bothered to at least contribute to the planning of family activities why should the OP sacrifice something she has planned with her own family to accommodate and manage argumentative and disruptive children whose behaviour will likely impact on their enjoyment of the day ? OK, so he’s suggested he change his work pattern so he can go along, but the OP has described him as a ‘Disney dad’ who doesn’t want to tell them off and be the bad guy, so again, he’s leaving it to the OP to manage their behaviour. That’s what’s unreasonable.

The issue is, the SC fight, make the day stressful, and rather than parent them, their father will leave the hard bits like discipline and breaking up squabbles to OP and probably her sister and mother, while he does fuck all except validate their misbehaviour so he doesn’t come across as the bad guy.

Yikes. Mumsnetters always say that stepmothers get a hard time but posts like this are the norm, where petty and mean behaviour is supported by a good amount of commenters. Poor children, you not only chose a man who already had kids, you chose to then have children with someone who doesn't seem to do much with them. Did you think you were different? That your kids would get the attention that he didn't seem to give to his own existing ones? 🙄