to not invite them on this day out

[QueenBlue]

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5.

They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it.

The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative.

DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child.

Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8.

My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

and develop that line of thought: because he could Disney away by taking them somewhere good but not have any responsibility for a) having thought to book it himself and b) has a whole supporting cast of people to look out for them alongside him

hope you go/went and have fun OP. And you might want to consider your relationship with this idiot.

I think an amusement/ theme park is quite a big day out and therefore it would be nice for all of the children to go and can see your husbands point of view on this. It seems mean to leave two children out of what is actually quite a big and special day out to children of that age.

Normally I'd think they should go as they'd love an amusement park. However on reading your posts your lazy-arse husband needs to take them somewhere on his own for the day.

Yanbu in the slightest.

Go out with your family enjoy yourselves and let him be an adult and plan something with them.

Dont discuss it further.

And do plan more things like this in the future and encourage a balance of family time and quality time alone with children

I can understand why you’re annoyed at your DH. He is the unreasonable one here because in theory he could take them to the amusement park and then split off from you, or take them somewhere else, but he won’t.

The reason I think you’re being unreasonable is because it’s not the stepkids fault their dad is useless, they are part of the family and they are going to feel hurt and excluded when you get their sibling all ready for a day at the amusement park whilst they’re stuck at home. They are going to feel upset and like they missed out when you all get back to yours for a cup of tea and their sibling is talking about the great day they had whilst they’ve been stuck at home whilst their dad works. They are going to feel that they are not part of the family and they will remember that for years to come. They are going to feel less close to you and to your child, their sibling, and that feeling may well last for years to come. In the future it may reverse so that your stepkids are arranging days out together and excluding your child, their sibling, because they were never made to feel like part of one family.

How will you feel if in ten or fifteen years time your child is upset because his/ her siblings have again arranged something and left your child out? They may only be your stepkids who you obviously don’t see as family, but they are your child’s brother and sister and part of your child’s family. Making them feel left out, hurt and upset is only going to damage future relationships between all of you, your stepkids will remember that they were left out of a fun day out and will not see your child as an equal sibling because they were always seen as part of a separate family.

YABU. I think the fact your newphew is similar age to SC makes it very hard to exclude them.
I think it is sad you don't see them as your family. At those ages and how long you have been together I would think for most purposes your parents and sister would see the SC as family. I don't think step- cousins are really a thing. I would just see them all as full cousins and hope the ones close in age can build friendships.

YANBU at all OP, mumsnet is very sensitive when it comes to this topic and there’s always a lot of projection.

Not unreasonable at all for you to want to spend time with your children, mum and sister. Would be very unfair on your parents to bring SC along, would completely change the dynamic. Stick to your guns and tell DH to do something fun with them. They shouldn’t be sitting at home when their siblings are having a fun day out, this is where DH needs to step up and make an effort so they can gather at the end of the day and swap stories about what they’ve all been up to!

I can see both and could create an argument for both sides. I don't think you're being unreasonable to spend a day with your parents/sister and for your child to enjoy some time with his cousin. Your husband has admitted to being able to be flexible with his hours so if he's worried about his children missing out, he can easily arrange an activity with them but as you say, the issue is the fact that he is a lazy parent and maybe doesn't have much confidence in being able to deal/cope with his own kids on his own which is a shame.

Personally, I'd go with my child on the day out and leave him to sort the step kids but then arrange to be back in time so that you can all enjoy something; perhaps a chippy tea at the local park/beach or a takeaway pizza and film at home?

Yeah poor dad having to organise a day out for his own kids and then parent them. When he could palm off his kids to the nearest uterus and take all credit for his partner and her family’s hard work of organising a lovely day out.

poor menz, will nobody think of their kids, because they absolutely should not have to.

I think if I was your DH I would be arranging to take all 3 of my children out whilst you enjoyed some quality time with your parents and sister.

tbh in OPs position I'd go on the day out, sans the poor neglected SCs and then I'd be telling my OP that he can organise a similar day out with all his children while i stay home.

It's got Cinderella vibes

That would never happen

If you’re not prepared to include your step kids in what you do perhaps you should have thought long and hard but you got with a man who already had kids. They’re part of the package.

All these threads are the same. Always some bloke who won’t parent his own children, and has married someone to do the hard yards and take deflected flack for his non existent parenting. Does anyone really think he will go off on the amusements with his kids on his own? Course not. He’ll be hanging around the OP and her parents expecting them to manage the hard parts, while he plays Disney dad.

No he won't, but surely the OP knew he was a "Disney dad" before she married and had a child with him (as do all the other women in this position)

It’s too mean not to take them given your DH will look after them. I understand you want to hang with your parents and have a relaxed day but you’re a blended family and they are with you at this time, it will be awful for them knowing you’re going to an amusement park and listening to all the stories about it when you get back. If they were sulky teenagers I would understand more but they’re only little kids themselves. If you want to spend 1:1 time with your family you’ll need to arrange it another time when they’re not with you. Obviously a bit more inconvenient for everyone but unfortunately timing hasn’t worked out to give you the original planned event without them. I also agree that grandparents should try to treat them like their grandkids as well.

Well done, punish all the kids because you married and had children with a dickhead. 👏

I'm normally very critical of treating kids and stepkids differently but in this case YANBU

It's a gift from your parents to their grandchildren. I think it's trickier expecting grandparents to treat step-grandchildren the same, especially if they never really see them or know them.

I do think you have bigger problems though as your husband sounds rather useless. You say he would never watch all 3 kids so you could spend time with your family? That's not a good marriage.

I don't think many 9 or 11- year-olds will think that watching a film on the sofa at home makes up for missing out on a trip to an amusement park that their little sibling is going on.

But hey, their dad's a wanker, so who cares, eh.

Why did you have a child with someone you knew was a lazy parent?

You want a day with your family. Your DH wants his children to escape being made to feel excluded and unwanted. It’s obvious whose feelings matter most here.

It is possible for both things to happen anyway, you just don’t want the inconvenience of the person you married and his children there. Tell your DH he needs to step up and deal with any issues between your step children on the day and suggest that you split up for a couple of hours and meet up for lunch or something.

I have an 11yo DS and a 9yo DD. Yes leave them at home 😂

Seriously though unless your DH was 100% going to deal with them and make sure you get to spend total quality time with your family then they all stay home.

I can't imagine not taking them (with dh to do the work).