Page 34 | to not invite them on this day out

QueenBlue · 2023-08-08T09:03:58+00:00

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5. They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it. The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative. DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child. Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8. My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 19:48

Ggkmac · 09/08/2023 19:45

YABU. I was a step child that was left out of stuff and treated differently. It was blatantly obvious and hurtful even as a child. My dad ended up divorcing her for many reasons, one being the treatment by her and her family of me. Very selfish behaviour here

Were you badly behaved ? Did you have form for ruining days out ? Was your dad a lazy git who expected his wife to do all the parenting so that he could keep his reputation as the fun guy ? If not, then it’s not the same thing.

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 19:48

Teaismymiddlename · 09/08/2023 19:42

Fuck yes. This this and this.

Unless you've lived it then all you get is shit as a step mum

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I am a step parent and I couldn't disagree with you more.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 19:49

ScottishWaylander · 09/08/2023 19:48

This is the idea! Get his to agree with his older kids which rides they want to go on. Then you separate for most of the day, meeting for brief lunch.

Then everyone gets to talk about the grand day out in the evening and there is no risk of anyone feeling left out. I DO get where you are coming from OP, but... you can't control how his kids will perceive the situation and they may hold a grudge for a very long time. You don't want that.

Good luck!

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The point is that the OP has said she knows her husband won’t do that…

Thats basically the point of the thread - that’s why she’s said no.

Ridemeginger · 09/08/2023 19:49

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 19:25

That doesn’t make them any less the SCs sibling though does it ?

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Quite. It’s not OP’s 5 year old’s fault that her dad divorced his first wife, the mother of his siblings, so why should this child be excluded from any activities his older siblings get to do with their mother and maternal grandparents. In agreeing to a divorce, this woman should have contemplated that there would be half siblings in her children’s life, and adjusted her behaviour accordingly when they came along. Otherwise she is driving a wedge between her bio children and their half sibling because her 2 kids are getting experiences the half sibling isn’t . Won’t anyone think of the half sibling’s mental health/feelings of exclusion/future well-being, when he sees his half siblings go off with their mum and material extended family to do lovely things? How will he feel when his half siblings talk about all the lovely things they have done without him? Excluded. The SC’s mother should be ashamed of herself. Sauce for the goose logic for the ludicrous posters.

There was a thread on here a couple of weeks ago, where a step mum was more or less the sole person looking out for her step child and giving them stability, as the bio mum and dad (her ex, not even a current partner of that OP) weren’t interested. She was asking if it was reasonable to ask the bio parents to make a financial contribution for food etc for her step child. She was insistent that she would not withdraw from this beloved child, her bio children’s half sibling, and leave them to being passed around to be looked after by indifferent strangers by their indifferent parents. She was roundly condemned by many for overstepping boundaries and being overly invested, partly because their useless father was her ex. This is the fate of step mothers. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

DeeLasVegas · 09/08/2023 19:49

QueenBlue · 08/08/2023 10:49

Well yes I would like one day out with my family.

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They are YOUR family!! They are children for chr*sts sake. How awful must they feel. Appalling way to act.

ScottishWaylander · 09/08/2023 19:49

ScottishWaylander · 09/08/2023 19:48

This is the idea! Get his to agree with his older kids which rides they want to go on. Then you separate for most of the day, meeting for brief lunch.

Then everyone gets to talk about the grand day out in the evening and there is no risk of anyone feeling left out. I DO get where you are coming from OP, but... you can't control how his kids will perceive the situation and they may hold a grudge for a very long time. You don't want that.

Good luck!

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PS whatever is decided, do not let any frustration with your OH spill out in front of Step children!

"I told you not to bring them" or "I didn't want them to come" will seriously not go down well. 😞

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 19:49

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 19:48

Were you badly behaved ? Did you have form for ruining days out ? Was your dad a lazy git who expected his wife to do all the parenting so that he could keep his reputation as the fun guy ? If not, then it’s not the same thing.

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So you think kids should be left out of family events and days out because of "bad behaviour"? Yeah that tells me everything I need to know about the kind of person you are.

Teaismymiddlename · 09/08/2023 19:51

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 19:48

I am a step parent and I couldn't disagree with you more.

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Then maybe you're one of the few lucky ones that have step kids that are made to respect and listen to you

I'm afraid in all the reading and speaking I've dine it's a lot more common to be treated like crap as a step mum

Glad you have a better experience

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 19:51

Teaismymiddlename · 09/08/2023 19:46

Why.
Why is a mums feelings always last in the fucking pile.
Why do DH and step kids come first??

Fuck that

More women really need to start putting their own wants first. It's not a Sin to say no.
They aren't missing out because of OP

They are missing out cos their dad is lazy and doesn't want to take them. He is their bio parent.
If they were to split OP would have ZERO input on those kids lives unless a bio parent agreed.

The bio parents laziness is actually 100% the issue

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ALL of the kids feelings come first cos they're your fucking kids!

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 19:52

Teaismymiddlename · 09/08/2023 19:51

Then maybe you're one of the few lucky ones that have step kids that are made to respect and listen to you

I'm afraid in all the reading and speaking I've dine it's a lot more common to be treated like crap as a step mum

Glad you have a better experience

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And you just sit there and put up with it? Why would you not lay these kind of ground rules down as soon as you get in to the relationship?

Teaismymiddlename · 09/08/2023 19:52

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 19:49

So you think kids should be left out of family events and days out because of "bad behaviour"? Yeah that tells me everything I need to know about the kind of person you are.

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Of course they should. If my son is badly behaved then sure as hell he wouldn't be going to a theme park.
Doesn't know how to listen to an adult? Also wouldn't be going 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 19:53

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 19:51

ALL of the kids feelings come first cos they're your fucking kids!

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And on this occasion the Op is putting the younger child first as her husband can prioritise the older ones…

Why should the younger one have their day spoiled when there is a very easy way for them all to have a good day?

whumpthereitis · 09/08/2023 19:53

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 19:51

ALL of the kids feelings come first cos they're your fucking kids!

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They’re not her kids. If you don’t like it that’s fine, your approval isn’t required.

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 19:54

Ridemeginger · 09/08/2023 19:49

Quite. It’s not OP’s 5 year old’s fault that her dad divorced his first wife, the mother of his siblings, so why should this child be excluded from any activities his older siblings get to do with their mother and maternal grandparents. In agreeing to a divorce, this woman should have contemplated that there would be half siblings in her children’s life, and adjusted her behaviour accordingly when they came along. Otherwise she is driving a wedge between her bio children and their half sibling because her 2 kids are getting experiences the half sibling isn’t . Won’t anyone think of the half sibling’s mental health/feelings of exclusion/future well-being, when he sees his half siblings go off with their mum and material extended family to do lovely things? How will he feel when his half siblings talk about all the lovely things they have done without him? Excluded. The SC’s mother should be ashamed of herself. Sauce for the goose logic for the ludicrous posters.

There was a thread on here a couple of weeks ago, where a step mum was more or less the sole person looking out for her step child and giving them stability, as the bio mum and dad (her ex, not even a current partner of that OP) weren’t interested. She was asking if it was reasonable to ask the bio parents to make a financial contribution for food etc for her step child. She was insistent that she would not withdraw from this beloved child, her bio children’s half sibling, and leave them to being passed around to be looked after by indifferent strangers by their indifferent parents. She was roundly condemned by many for overstepping boundaries and being overly invested, partly because their useless father was her ex. This is the fate of step mothers. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

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This is ridiculous and you know it. This outing wouldn't be an issue if it was a day the SCs weren't there. It's the fact they are in the house and are actively going to feel left out. If for some inexplicable reason the 5yo was at the ex's house and she was taking her 2 kids to a theme park but didn't take him then yes I'd feel the exact same way about the ex. Kids should not be left out like this.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 19:54

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 19:49

So you think kids should be left out of family events and days out because of "bad behaviour"? Yeah that tells me everything I need to know about the kind of person you are.

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Yes, I do. I’m not a fan of rewarding bad behaviour. Badly behaved children make badly behaved and entitled adults if they are not checked. And losing out on treats is the best way to get the message home.

Ap42 · 09/08/2023 19:54

My children have a stepmother. And if she did this I would be horrified. Great way to alienate them.
Can you not arrange family time with your parents and child when the sc are with their Mum?

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 19:55

whumpthereitis · 09/08/2023 19:53

They’re not her kids. If you don’t like it that’s fine, your approval isn’t required.

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I didn't say they were her kids? But they are her step kids so they should be treat equally within the family.

Teaismymiddlename · 09/08/2023 19:55

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 19:52

And you just sit there and put up with it? Why would you not lay these kind of ground rules down as soon as you get in to the relationship?

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Because life happens and things change.
As it goes we are now living apart with out own kids because he wouldn't enforce discipline in my house

We did discuss these things. In length. In the early days it was easy and I was all in. I did days out. Trips. Decorated rooms. Bought uniform.
But I wasn't allowed to discipline.
If I took away a tablet I was 'mean or harsh'
You want the good of me then you also take the bad. It's 50/50 or nothing
So we're living apart now

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 19:56

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 19:54

Yes, I do. I’m not a fan of rewarding bad behaviour. Badly behaved children make badly behaved and entitled adults if they are not checked. And losing out on treats is the best way to get the message home.

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This is too extreme though, a rare day out at a theme park shouldn't be used as a punishment in my opinion. But we all have different ways to discipline.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 19:56

Ap42 · 09/08/2023 19:54

My children have a stepmother. And if she did this I would be horrified. Great way to alienate them.
Can you not arrange family time with your parents and child when the sc are with their Mum?

Surely you’d be horrified that your ex was refusing to do anything with them, rather than their stepmother having a rare day with her parents?

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 19:57

Ap42 · 09/08/2023 19:54

My children have a stepmother. And if she did this I would be horrified. Great way to alienate them.
Can you not arrange family time with your parents and child when the sc are with their Mum?

She did arrange for this at a time when they were with their mum. This is school holidays and outside the normal visits.

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 19:57

Teaismymiddlename · 09/08/2023 19:55

Because life happens and things change.
As it goes we are now living apart with out own kids because he wouldn't enforce discipline in my house

We did discuss these things. In length. In the early days it was easy and I was all in. I did days out. Trips. Decorated rooms. Bought uniform.
But I wasn't allowed to discipline.
If I took away a tablet I was 'mean or harsh'
You want the good of me then you also take the bad. It's 50/50 or nothing
So we're living apart now

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You should have been allowed to discipline from the get go and I'm sorry things worked out the way they did, it's unfair on you and it's not how blended families should work

Teaismymiddlename · 09/08/2023 19:57

whumpthereitis · 09/08/2023 19:53

They’re not her kids. If you don’t like it that’s fine, your approval isn’t required.

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I doubs she was there when they were conceived so I dont think you'll find they are ALL her kids.

Marrying someone doesn't make their kids yours.
Step parents have no rights. Therefore they are not HER kids no matter what some of society wants to tey and force

Ridemeginger · 09/08/2023 19:58

ludocris · 09/08/2023 19:34

@Ridemeginger hyperbole and extrapolation are how I would describe your suggestions that anyone has said there is a 'pattern of abuse' from the OP, or that there should be zero boundaries and zero consequences for bad behaviour...

You said it yourself. That the SC should not be excluded from this trip for the behaviour the OP describes. The pattern of behaviour the OP describes is that the SC ruin trips out with their fighting and dominant behaviour. Therefore, if they are rewarded by still being given trips out, they are not seeing the consequences and a punishment that fits the crime, are they.

You need to RTFT. There are numerous posters alledging and outright stating the OP does nothing with the SC and does not want them. There are numerous posters accusing the OP of being in wicked step mother territory and damaging the wellbeing of these children. If that alleged behaviour on the part of the OP is not an accusation of a pattern of abuse, then what is it?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 19:58

Teaismymiddlename · 09/08/2023 19:55

Because life happens and things change.
As it goes we are now living apart with out own kids because he wouldn't enforce discipline in my house

We did discuss these things. In length. In the early days it was easy and I was all in. I did days out. Trips. Decorated rooms. Bought uniform.
But I wasn't allowed to discipline.
If I took away a tablet I was 'mean or harsh'
You want the good of me then you also take the bad. It's 50/50 or nothing
So we're living apart now

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I expect that’s what’s in the OP’s future.

It sounds to me like she’s reaching the end of her tether with her DH and his shit parenting