Page 33 | to not invite them on this day out

QueenBlue · 2023-08-08T09:03:58+00:00

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5. They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it. The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative. DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child. Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8. My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

nameitagain · 09/08/2023 19:27

Nononsensemumsy · 09/08/2023 19:13

Like it or not his children are your child’s siblings. You are part of the same family. How mean to leave them behind when they are visiting you. My parents treated my sisters stepdaughter as a grandchild and equal to my children, they even left her equal monetary gifts in their Wills when they passed. It’s not their fault their parents aren’t together. It’s not even as if he’s expecting you to take them without him. Honestly some people forget they are supposed to be the grown ups.

So should the SC mum have to take the OPs dc out too. Because they are all siblings? Should the SM mum's parents take the OPs dc because they are now GP to the OPs dc as the dc are all siblings? Dint be ridiculous.

jannier · 09/08/2023 19:29

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 19:03

And as you very well know, none of this is what the OP is doing. I’ll ask you the question none of the OP bashers want to answer. Do you think the OP’s child goes on every single outing the SCs mother takes her children on ? After all they’re siblings aren’t they, so same thing goes ?

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Do they spend time at the ex's house where she looks after them? If they did for some strange reason then yes she should but why would they live part time with an ex unless their dad also lives their part time?

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 19:30

nameitagain · 09/08/2023 19:27

So should the SC mum have to take the OPs dc out too. Because they are all siblings? Should the SM mum's parents take the OPs dc because they are now GP to the OPs dc as the dc are all siblings? Dint be ridiculous.

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I posted to this effect upthread, but unfortunately the sarcasm was lost !!

namechangenacy · 09/08/2023 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This with fucking bells on ❤️

Nofurme · 09/08/2023 19:31

frazzledasarock · 08/08/2023 10:39

i think it’s a good thing for your DH to spend some quality one on one time with both his children. Why can’t he organise something for the three of them why does he need to barge in on your family time?

This exactly.

Your parents have organized a day out - it’s good you all go as planned.
Your husband can also have a lovely day with the children if he can move working hours and then everyone is happy.

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 19:32

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 19:23

Her DH’s laziness is the issue.

He could get off his arse, book tickets, and take his kids himself, but he won’t.

The only reason the kids may be upset will be if they’re stuck at home rather than out somewhere for the day, and if they are stuck at home that will be down to their father.

Any decent parent would use this as an opportunity to give them time alone with him, and to have a day without having to consider their 5yo sibling. Their father is too lazy to do that and that is the sole issue.

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No, it's not. The kids feelings take precedence over the OPs feelings about how lazy her DH is.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 19:32

jannier · 09/08/2023 19:29

Do they spend time at the ex's house where she looks after them? If they did for some strange reason then yes she should but why would they live part time with an ex unless their dad also lives their part time?

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But they’re siblings and in years to come it could damage them if they’re not included !!

Lolalady · 09/08/2023 19:33

YANBU. If your step children can’t behave and your husband can’t/won’t control them why should they go with you and spoil the day for the rest of you. Too much “soft” parenting around and too many entitled children who don’t have any idea of manners or behaviour.

MmmmSausageRolls · 09/08/2023 19:33

Clearly this outing has been known about for a while. DH's kids don't need to miss out on an exciting trip to an amusement park, DH could easily have mitigated this by booking them to go at any point they're with him during the holidays.

Easy... OP and DC go with grandparent/aunt on one day (DH and step kids do something else). On another day, DH and step kids go to the amusement park. All kids go to the amusement park, all kids get 1-on-1 time with a parent.

It doesn't have to have anything to do with OP. Why are bio dads abdicated from all parenting and child organising and why is it 100% the step mum who has to ensure everything is fair and no child misses out?

ludocris · 09/08/2023 19:34

@Ridemeginger hyperbole and extrapolation are how I would describe your suggestions that anyone has said there is a 'pattern of abuse' from the OP, or that there should be zero boundaries and zero consequences for bad behaviour...

aSofaNearYou · 09/08/2023 19:35

If the sexes were reversed and dad said they are not my children why should I pay for food, clothes, outings etc to a mum who was home on maternity leave for a shared child so having no income would you say too right he's not the dad or be calling him out? ....and I'm not saying op is on mat leave.

No, in this analogy you are suggesting her DH is on paternity leave and therefore reliant on her income to fund the whole family... which would be a pretty different scenario. Not that who should pay for them is the subject of the thread.

Minime88888888 · 09/08/2023 19:36

You sound like a patronising bloke.

aSofaNearYou · 09/08/2023 19:37

No, it's not. The kids feelings take precedence over the OPs feelings about how lazy her DH is.

Nobody's feelings take precedence - especially not potential but unconfirmed feelings.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 19:38

OP, please come back - you’re missing some excellent entertainment !!

Teaismymiddlename · 09/08/2023 19:40

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 08/08/2023 10:47

Tell lazy DH to take them on a day out by himself.

Except he doesn't want to does he, he wants to benefit from your help and emotional labour.

These men who re-marry and expect SM to do their job.

Late to the convo but couldn't agree with this more.
Unless you are actually in a position where you get s kids put onto you then people just dont understand the true dynamics of it.
All this oh I'd never ever treat them different blah blah... Problem is... The bio parents are only ever happy with that when it's good stuff being said.
As soon as you have to dole out the punishments for bad behaviour your the evil step mum and aren't allowed Input

My husband will literally moan I dont plan stuff anymore but when I point out when was the last time he took his daughters out for a day himself... There isn't one.

Were supposed to put up and shut up cos we have a uterus so should love and want to devote ourself to any kid... No matter how rude they are to us.

Dad can take them out easily 🙄🤷‍♀️
Bet your ass he just doesn't want to by himself cos it's too much hassle.... But us women should jump at the chance 🙄🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Teaismymiddlename · 09/08/2023 19:42

MmmmSausageRolls · 09/08/2023 19:33

Clearly this outing has been known about for a while. DH's kids don't need to miss out on an exciting trip to an amusement park, DH could easily have mitigated this by booking them to go at any point they're with him during the holidays.

Easy... OP and DC go with grandparent/aunt on one day (DH and step kids do something else). On another day, DH and step kids go to the amusement park. All kids go to the amusement park, all kids get 1-on-1 time with a parent.

It doesn't have to have anything to do with OP. Why are bio dads abdicated from all parenting and child organising and why is it 100% the step mum who has to ensure everything is fair and no child misses out?

Fuck yes. This this and this.

Unless you've lived it then all you get is shit as a step mum

neilyoungismyhero · 09/08/2023 19:43

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/08/2023 11:13

I think if I was your DH I would be arranging to take all 3 of my children out whilst you enjoyed some quality time with your parents and sister.

The grandparents want to spend time with their grandchild that's the whole point.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 19:44

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 19:32

No, it's not. The kids feelings take precedence over the OPs feelings about how lazy her DH is.

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It is the issue.

If he wasn’t lazy he would take them somewhere else.

If he wasn’t lazy he could take them to the same place himself.

If he wasn’t lazy he could be trusted to take them off to do their own thing if they went with the OP’s parents and sibling.

If he wasn’t lazy then they likely wouldn’t be so badly behaved, and he’d deal with them if they were.

It’s absolutely the issue.

And the Op is absolutely entitled to put the feelings of the younger child and her niece/nephew first for one day and allow them ab uninterrupted day with their grandparents.

Ggkmac · 09/08/2023 19:45

YABU. I was a step child that was left out of stuff and treated differently. It was blatantly obvious and hurtful even as a child. My dad ended up divorcing her for many reasons, one being the treatment by her and her family of me. Very selfish behaviour here

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 19:45

jannier · 09/08/2023 19:24

Because....they have a shared child he is a lazy dad to.
Because she's annoyed..

The kids are probably playing up for attention from a lazy dad and a step mum who doesn't want to be.

If the sexes were reversed and dad said they are not my children why should I pay for food, clothes, outings etc to a mum who was home on maternity leave for a shared child so having no income would you say too right he's not the dad or be calling him out? ....and I'm not saying op is on mat leave.

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Why do you infer that she doesn’t want to be a stepmum just because she doesn’t want to take his badly behaved children on ONE outing that was arranged for a time outside of normal visits from the SC, and have her day ruined by having to wrangle them because her DH won’t ?

Teaismymiddlename · 09/08/2023 19:46

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 19:32

No, it's not. The kids feelings take precedence over the OPs feelings about how lazy her DH is.

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Why.
Why is a mums feelings always last in the fucking pile.
Why do DH and step kids come first??

Fuck that

More women really need to start putting their own wants first. It's not a Sin to say no.
They aren't missing out because of OP

They are missing out cos their dad is lazy and doesn't want to take them. He is their bio parent.
If they were to split OP would have ZERO input on those kids lives unless a bio parent agreed.

The bio parents laziness is actually 100% the issue

DrDaedalus · 09/08/2023 19:46

Go and enjoy your day without guilt.

I would not be interested in any moaning. "yeah, you should sort something age appropriate for X and y".

Is he looking after his DC whilst he is WFH?

The age difference between DC and SC means they will be in different areas of the park anyway.

I suspect DH is a lazy CF. He doesn't have to geg in he could do something with his own children. He could go to the cinema, pictures, out for dinner. I bet he does feck all, preferring to be a sad sack.

A person is said to be gegging in when they try to involve themselves in a conversation or activity without having been invited. An example of using the word geg in a sentence "stop gegging in!".

ScottishWaylander · 09/08/2023 19:48

Sidking · 08/08/2023 11:02

As a child of a blended family absolutely not, unless you want to breed resentment between the kids. When at your home they should be treated as part of your family IMO. We always had days out when it was my dad's weekend to have my stepsister, no we didn't always get on but she was as much part of the family as I was.

Take charge, it's a theme park with kids of different heights and ages. When you get there have a look at the map, find the big exciting rides the older 2 want to go on and say 'ok OH, so you take them to these, we will take the younger ones to these rides, and we will meet here at 1pm for lunch and go from there'

This is the idea! Get his to agree with his older kids which rides they want to go on. Then you separate for most of the day, meeting for brief lunch.

Then everyone gets to talk about the grand day out in the evening and there is no risk of anyone feeling left out. I DO get where you are coming from OP, but... you can't control how his kids will perceive the situation and they may hold a grudge for a very long time. You don't want that.

Good luck!

Teaismymiddlename · 09/08/2023 19:48

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 19:44

It is the issue.

If he wasn’t lazy he would take them somewhere else.

If he wasn’t lazy he could take them to the same place himself.

If he wasn’t lazy he could be trusted to take them off to do their own thing if they went with the OP’s parents and sibling.

If he wasn’t lazy then they likely wouldn’t be so badly behaved, and he’d deal with them if they were.

It’s absolutely the issue.

And the Op is absolutely entitled to put the feelings of the younger child and her niece/nephew first for one day and allow them ab uninterrupted day with their grandparents.

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Absofuckinglutely

Livinginanotherworld · 09/08/2023 19:48

DinoRoar14 · 08/08/2023 11:38

YANBU.
I wouldn't even fluff it up.

DH if you weren't such an ineffective lazy parent and I could count on you not to let your children's behaviour ruin a very special day for me then maybe this could work.
But you are and they will. So neither they nor you are coming near us.

This 100 %. Go with your original plans and enjoy your day out, let the useless father parent his own children.