Page 30 | to not invite them on this day out

QueenBlue · 2023-08-08T09:03:58+00:00

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5. They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it. The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative. DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child. Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8. My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

aloris · 09/08/2023 18:34

I can completely understand why you don't want to take older, argumentative kids to the amusement park when what you are trying to accomplish is a nice, gentle, little-kid-friendly day out so your son can enjoy some time with his grandparents. I think any time you take little kids along with big kids, the little kids' interests tend to get forgotten as they trail along after the big kids who dominate everything. (Just to let you know, this reverses itself as the big kids get to be teens, and find themselves spending all their family outing time being bored to tears at various "Please Touch" museums and at family hotels with pools full of screaming toddlers so you will get revenge at some point.)

It would really be better to get into a habit of separating the two age groups, so that each group can do the things that are more appropriate to their ages. Is there any chance you can all go, then split up so your dh has his two kids, and they do "big kid" rides, while you and your sister take the little kids with the grandparents on "little kid" rides? Then you can all meet up for ice cream and suffer through the arguments of the big kids with each other, but it will only be for a little while.

I suspect the problem is your dh won't take his two off separately, he wants you to go with him so he has an extra pair of hands. And then it means you miss your own child's experiences with HIS grandparents, or else you have to go all together and spend the whole day listening to the big kids argue over whether they should go on ride A or ride B, NEITHER of which is appropriate for your five year old.

I have done this, but not with step-kids. Just with a group of varied age, cousins etc. It's so much easier to just split them up for the actual activities, and have them come back together for meals to make a shared memories.

Blackheart99 · 09/08/2023 18:34

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CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 18:35

Peahen81 · 09/08/2023 18:31

I do understand how you feel and the frustration with your husband. But, and it’s a big but, when you married a man with children from a previous relationship you created a blended family. That includes the children. You need to put yourself in their shoes. Their sibling is getting a fab day out. They are being excluded. That must be so hurtful to children who cannnot fully gauge the nuances of the situation.

Kids aren’t stupid, at 11 and 9 they are old enough to understand whose grandparents are whose. Many people who were step-kids have tried to explain that they wouldn’t have wanted to go anyway.

Do you think OP’s step-kids wonder why their half-sibling is not with them when they go out with their mum and grandparents on that side?

Rosscameasdoody · 09/08/2023 18:36

Minime88888888 · 09/08/2023 18:12

They are your children, your sister is their aunt, your parents are their grandparents, your nephew is their cousin and - possibly most important of all - your child is their sibling. You are causing division where you should be ensuring harmony, equality and togetherness.

This wins the thread!! Funniest comment I’ve see on MN for ages. 🤣🤣🤣

jannier · 09/08/2023 18:37

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 18:23

A one off, that affects them one time, and about which they will know nothing unless the OP or her DH tell them ? Come off it.

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So you think that when they are sat in ops house and op and her child go out for the day they don't know that they are home with dad whilst favoured child is out all day or that nothing will be said later about where they have been....I have 2 year olds who say they went to pepper pig world or flew to Kefalonia ....and do you honestly think they are incentive to ops feelings on their behaviour.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 18:39

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 18:35

Kids aren’t stupid, at 11 and 9 they are old enough to understand whose grandparents are whose. Many people who were step-kids have tried to explain that they wouldn’t have wanted to go anyway.

Do you think OP’s step-kids wonder why their half-sibling is not with them when they go out with their mum and grandparents on that side?

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Do you think OP’s step-kids wonder why their half-sibling is not with them when they go out with their mum and grandparents on that side?

Spot on. But clearly not what OP bashers want to engage with, as it’s been mentioned several times and been ignored in favour of the wicked stepmother vibe.

nameitagain · 09/08/2023 18:40

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 08/08/2023 10:37

I think that is so tight.

You're going to an amusement park and you don't want them to come, even though their dad is willing to change his working hours to come along?

Surely the older kids will want to go different rides etc.

Can they not go off with their dad, rather than you outright banning them.

I couldn't comprehend doing this.

So why don't they just go in a different day then?

nameitagain · 09/08/2023 18:42

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 08/08/2023 10:46

I think this is nothing short of nasty.

Your DH could go and manage their 'full on' sort of behaviour, even if he took them off for an hour or two and queued for different rides etc.

It sounds like the truth is you just want to block them out of 'your own little family'.

Poor stepkids.

So once you are married, you can't spend time with your parents alone? Without your partner? That's weird. And controlling.

Dibbydoos · 09/08/2023 18:42

Like it or not your married a man with children ie you take on his children.

You should all go. YABU

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 18:43

Dibbydoos · 09/08/2023 18:42

Like it or not your married a man with children ie you take on his children.

You should all go. YABU

So OP has to make up for him being a lazy dad? Is that what you mean when you say she has to take them on?

Libraview · 09/08/2023 18:44

Did your family just today tell you they are all coming tomorrow and have made arrangements? If you had known in advance you could have changed the day your step children came or some other change but last minute seems like you are getting cold feet on the day out. Sorry but you married a guy with children and it is not their fault that they don't get the time with their dad they probably want. Then again you may have agreed with him that you don't want to be involved with his kids? This just doesn't all make sense.

Minime88888888 · 09/08/2023 18:44

Thankyou x

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 18:46

jannier · 09/08/2023 18:37

So you think that when they are sat in ops house and op and her child go out for the day they don't know that they are home with dad whilst favoured child is out all day or that nothing will be said later about where they have been....I have 2 year olds who say they went to pepper pig world or flew to Kefalonia ....and do you honestly think they are incentive to ops feelings on their behaviour.

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‘Favoured’ child ? No, they are the OP’s child and her parents grandchild, which is why the outing was arranged. Perhaps to avoid confusion and future trauma, it should be pointed out to the SC that the reason they are not invited is down to their behaviour, not simply because they are SC, or are not part of the family, but because the OP doesn’t want her day ruined by them.

Humannat · 09/08/2023 18:48

I do see both sides if he’s particularly ‘fun dad’ with no planning.

but I can’t help feel like you’re drawing a massive line in the family , which then makes me question why the pair of you can’t control two kids under ten, do you want to? Or do you want to cushion your family unit keeping them at arms length and hope they F off as teenagers?

I don’t think it would be so bad if SC were older and could be passed off as ‘you wouldn’t want to run around with babies all day’ , the fact all the children are roughly the same age and they could easily be sent off with their dad for a few hours for a treat and some older games makes me lean towards YABU

whumpthereitis · 09/08/2023 18:49

Dibbydoos · 09/08/2023 18:42

Like it or not your married a man with children ie you take on his children.

You should all go. YABU

Nope! She’s got zero responsibility for them.

I hope OP does come back to this thread tbh, just because it would be a shame for her to miss out on the entertainment value it’s providing. More handwringing and amateur dramatics than a Mexican soap opera.

Msbluebozooka · 09/08/2023 18:49

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CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 18:49

Libraview · 09/08/2023 18:44

Did your family just today tell you they are all coming tomorrow and have made arrangements? If you had known in advance you could have changed the day your step children came or some other change but last minute seems like you are getting cold feet on the day out. Sorry but you married a guy with children and it is not their fault that they don't get the time with their dad they probably want. Then again you may have agreed with him that you don't want to be involved with his kids? This just doesn't all make sense.

Sorry but you married a guy with children and it is not their fault that they don't get the time with their dad they probably want

But they have time with their dad. OP is encouraging him to have one on one time with them.

It’s not OP’s fault that their dad would rather hang out with OP’s grandparents rather than have his kids on his own.

Allyliz · 09/08/2023 18:50

Can't see any problem with the family having separate days out as long as dad is going to do something good with his two...its a great opportunity for him to spend quality time with them and you to have a special day out with your family...I've never really understood why people feel they need to do everything together...this day sounds special to you for your emotional wellbeing. Enjoy your day and feel no guilt x

LJ125 · 09/08/2023 18:50

This feels cruel to your step-children. In excluding them from your family day out you are signalling loud and clear that you do not consider them to be part of your family, and your parents are doing same.

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 18:51

Minime88888888 · 09/08/2023 18:44

Thankyou x

I don’t think it was a compliment x

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 18:51

Libraview · 09/08/2023 18:44

Did your family just today tell you they are all coming tomorrow and have made arrangements? If you had known in advance you could have changed the day your step children came or some other change but last minute seems like you are getting cold feet on the day out. Sorry but you married a guy with children and it is not their fault that they don't get the time with their dad they probably want. Then again you may have agreed with him that you don't want to be involved with his kids? This just doesn't all make sense.

The day was planned before it was known that the SC would be there. OP has made it clear over multiple posts why she doesn’t want to include them. And it has nothing at all to do with not wanting to be involved with his kids, and everything to do with being left to manage their bad behaviour because DH doesn’t want to be the bad guy. Perhaps it doesn’t make sense to you because you’ve missed relevant information.

jannier · 09/08/2023 18:52

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 18:31

If tickets have been pre-paid by grandparents, how can she re-arrange?

Besides the DH is not around in the morning so his kids are unlikely to be there anyway.

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DH did say he would cancel work and go to.....it's a DH problem which op needs to resolve as her kid is missing out on their Dad too

Minime88888888 · 09/08/2023 18:52

She is their stepmother.

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 18:53

jannier · 09/08/2023 18:52

DH did say he would cancel work and go to.....it's a DH problem which op needs to resolve as her kid is missing out on their Dad too

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Which OP needs to resolve?! Are you serious?!!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 18:53

jannier · 09/08/2023 18:37

So you think that when they are sat in ops house and op and her child go out for the day they don't know that they are home with dad whilst favoured child is out all day or that nothing will be said later about where they have been....I have 2 year olds who say they went to pepper pig world or flew to Kefalonia ....and do you honestly think they are incentive to ops feelings on their behaviour.

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Dad could use the time off he can suddenly have to, you know, take them somewhere so they’re not sat at home.

why the determination to make his laziness the OP’s issue to solve?