Page 29 | to not invite them on this day out

QueenBlue · 2023-08-08T09:03:58+00:00

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5. They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it. The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative. DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child. Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8. My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

whumpthereitis · 09/08/2023 18:21

Minime88888888 · 09/08/2023 18:12

They are your children, your sister is their aunt, your parents are their grandparents, your nephew is their cousin and - possibly most important of all - your child is their sibling. You are causing division where you should be ensuring harmony, equality and togetherness.

That’s not how that works 😂🥴

Uptoyou34 · 09/08/2023 18:21

Minime88888888 · 09/08/2023 18:12

They are your children, your sister is their aunt, your parents are their grandparents, your nephew is their cousin and - possibly most important of all - your child is their sibling. You are causing division where you should be ensuring harmony, equality and togetherness.

NO. THEY. ARE. NOT

Perhaps putting it in capitals will make it clearer but I doubt it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/08/2023 18:22

Minime88888888 · 09/08/2023 18:12

They are your children, your sister is their aunt, your parents are their grandparents, your nephew is their cousin and - possibly most important of all - your child is their sibling. You are causing division where you should be ensuring harmony, equality and togetherness.

No, OP's child is their half-sibling. OP's family are not stepchildrens' family, they have their own family - their mother and father's parents, siblings and so on.

Persisting with trying to over-blend relationships that don't naturally exist, is a recipe for disaster.

And there is no need for OP to be the bigger person. It's up to her husband to step up and be an adequate-good person for his children. He could go along with his children with OP and her family IF he were to take his older children off to have some fun with him and let OP catch up with her own family. He won't do that.

Stop trying to make OP responsible for filling the vacuum that is her husband's inadequacy when it comes to his children. Yes, she married him. She's doing her bit. Why all the questioning of 'you knew he had children'. Yes, she did know. So did HE. What is HE doing about it?

Some of you are insufferably smug and so determined to make it OP's problem when it really isn't.

OP... please go for your day out with your family.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 18:23

jannier · 09/08/2023 18:19

Having worked with children respectfully your wrong it's an adverse childhood experience that effects them for life

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A one off, that affects them one time, and about which they will know nothing unless the OP or her DH tell them ? Come off it.

Crazycrazylady · 09/08/2023 18:23

Minime88888888 · 09/08/2023 18:12

They are your children, your sister is their aunt, your parents are their grandparents, your nephew is their cousin and - possibly most important of all - your child is their sibling. You are causing division where you should be ensuring harmony, equality and togetherness.

What utter nonsense is this.

Given the dad is the non resident parents and op family live hours away . Chances are they have met these children in person a handful of times ever. They do not need to pretend that they are their nieces and nephews. Am sure they have their own aunts and uncles to know the difference .

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 18:23

Minime88888888 · 09/08/2023 18:12

They are your children, your sister is their aunt, your parents are their grandparents, your nephew is their cousin and - possibly most important of all - your child is their sibling. You are causing division where you should be ensuring harmony, equality and togetherness.

Why is t OP’s job to ‘ensure’ these things? Why not say it’s the kids actual father’s job to ensure this?

Your sexism is not even masked, it’s just rampant.

phoenixrosehere · 09/08/2023 18:23

siucra · 09/08/2023 18:00

Just take them out with you! Be nice! You're their stepmother, they aren't some random children. Hopefully you will be in their lives for the rest of yours. Show them love and kindness and be a lovely person in their lives. It's hard enough having separated parents.

She obviously knows that since she already takes them out other times and if you read her posts properly, if it wasn’t for her doing so, they wouldn’t be going anywhere considering their own father doesn’t want to have one on one time with them nor puts in the effort to do things with them without OP in tow.

Her parents who arranged the whole thing want to spend time with their adult child and grandchild that they barely see which is the reason for the outing in the first place that so many posters like yourself choose to ignore because the focus must be on stepchildren who weren’t invited in the first place yet must be included which takes away from what these grandparents wanted.

It’s a rare occasion for these grandparents and all they want to do is spend time and focus on their children and grandchildren. Why can’t they’re want for alone time with their own children and grandchildren be a priority for this time?

phoenixrosehere · 09/08/2023 18:25

phoenixrosehere · 09/08/2023 18:23

She obviously knows that since she already takes them out other times and if you read her posts properly, if it wasn’t for her doing so, they wouldn’t be going anywhere considering their own father doesn’t want to have one on one time with them nor puts in the effort to do things with them without OP in tow.

Her parents who arranged the whole thing want to spend time with their adult child and grandchild that they barely see which is the reason for the outing in the first place that so many posters like yourself choose to ignore because the focus must be on stepchildren who weren’t invited in the first place yet must be included which takes away from what these grandparents wanted.

It’s a rare occasion for these grandparents and all they want to do is spend time and focus on their children and grandchildren. Why can’t they’re want for alone time with their own children and grandchildren be a priority for this time?

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Why can’t their

babbscrabbs · 09/08/2023 18:25

YANBU

Every parent should be allowed time with their child without others, whether blood related or not.

Your H sounds pretty crap though, I'm wondering why you married him tbh

Minime88888888 · 09/08/2023 18:25

It's not sexism, it's motherhood. Yes, there's fatherhood too, I understand.

SemperIdem · 09/08/2023 18:26

Yanbu, it’s fine.

I have step children and my own child (not a shared child). I do things just with my child, I don’t make apologies for that. My parents etc don’t see my stepchildren as being their family, because they are not. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter and so on they are all included but that’s kind of the level it’s at and will remain.

Their dad does things 1:1 with them, while I’m off doing my own thing, 1:1 with my child. We of course all go out all together, we go out with just the sc’s when my child is with her dad, we go out with my child when the sc’s are at their mothers. We do things with any number and combination of the children without it being an “all in” event every single time. It’s totally normal for us.

I don’t think my sc’s give a singular shit about spending time with my family, why would they, when they could spend time with their dad and actual grandparents instead?

whumpthereitis · 09/08/2023 18:27

Minime88888888 · 09/08/2023 18:25

It's not sexism, it's motherhood. Yes, there's fatherhood too, I understand.

She’s not mother to her stepchildren

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 18:27

Minime88888888 · 09/08/2023 18:25

It's not sexism, it's motherhood. Yes, there's fatherhood too, I understand.

She’s not their mother.

The fact their father escapes so lightly shows your sexism so clearly

Ffion21 · 09/08/2023 18:27

You’re being mean!

They’re 9 and 11, and won’t want to go on the same rides as your child anyway so will basically go on with their dad. You meet for lunch etc.

Put yourself in their shoes. Imagine if you’d separated and your child was staying with his dad and their new step mum excluded them for a day out.

If you want to exclude them go and actively visit your family or engage on a day when you don’t have the kids.

Don’t exclude them. They will remember this.

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 18:28

Minime88888888 · 09/08/2023 18:25

It's not sexism, it's motherhood. Yes, there's fatherhood too, I understand.

Your understanding seems limited to very sexist roles for women.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/08/2023 18:28

Minime88888888 · 09/08/2023 18:25

It's not sexism, it's motherhood. Yes, there's fatherhood too, I understand.

OP is not their mother. OP's husband IS their father. Clear now?

'Fatherhood too, I understand', just sounds like a glib half-acknowledgement whilst you get back to the main business of bashing the OP into submission. Stop it.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 18:28

Uptoyou34 · 09/08/2023 18:21

NO. THEY. ARE. NOT

Perhaps putting it in capitals will make it clearer but I doubt it.

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I think this posters’ Disney vision of ‘harmony, equality and togetherness’ tells you all you need to know. Didn’t Margaret Thatcher say something similar after her first election win?

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 18:30

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/08/2023 18:05

What you want, OP, isn't bad in and of itself... it's that your stepchildren will be there and will see you all getting ready to go out without them.

What does your husband say when you tell him that he doesn't do much for his children, that he leaves it all to you?

The only option I can think of is that you arrange to go out much earlier before your stepchildren arrive and leave your husband to it. At least they won't know and won't miss out.

He's not much of a father though, OP. If you ever split up, this is what your child can look forward to.

Exactly this, as soon as op realised it was going to be a day when SC were there she should have either rearranged with her family or arranged for her DH and SC to come too.

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 18:31

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 18:30

Exactly this, as soon as op realised it was going to be a day when SC were there she should have either rearranged with her family or arranged for her DH and SC to come too.

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If tickets have been pre-paid by grandparents, how can she re-arrange?

Besides the DH is not around in the morning so his kids are unlikely to be there anyway.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 09/08/2023 18:31

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 18:30

Exactly this, as soon as op realised it was going to be a day when SC were there she should have either rearranged with her family or arranged for her DH and SC to come too.

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Or her husband could arrange his own treat with his children.

Peahen81 · 09/08/2023 18:31

I do understand how you feel and the frustration with your husband. But, and it’s a big but, when you married a man with children from a previous relationship you created a blended family. That includes the children. You need to put yourself in their shoes. Their sibling is getting a fab day out. They are being excluded. That must be so hurtful to children who cannnot fully gauge the nuances of the situation.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/08/2023 18:32

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 18:30

Exactly this, as soon as op realised it was going to be a day when SC were there she should have either rearranged with her family or arranged for her DH and SC to come too.

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No, you're doing it now. Why is it OP's responsibility to rearrange something with her family? Her husband takes no responsibility for his children, why does this mean that the OP has to step up?

I can't get over the male-centric posts from women on this site, it's pathetic.

Peahen81 · 09/08/2023 18:33

Should also say that Dad should be coming too if he can so easily flex his hours!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 18:34

Peahen81 · 09/08/2023 18:31

I do understand how you feel and the frustration with your husband. But, and it’s a big but, when you married a man with children from a previous relationship you created a blended family. That includes the children. You need to put yourself in their shoes. Their sibling is getting a fab day out. They are being excluded. That must be so hurtful to children who cannnot fully gauge the nuances of the situation.

They could have a fab day out with their father instead…

If he could be arsed

Swanfeet · 09/08/2023 18:34

frazzledasarock · 08/08/2023 12:01

Aren't the mental gymnastics in order to vilify the woman insane?

The dad refuses to book tickets and organise the day out, he could do it, he could do it right now. But it's the woman's fault.

Poor kids will miss out, the dad their bio dad, could ensure they don't miss out and buy the fucking tickets and get them all to the amusement park. It's the evil stepmums fault she should do it.

The fact he's going to treat them to his presence is such an amazing fete how evil of the woman who has no legal claim on the stepchildren, not to organise the day out so the bio dad can be there and reap the credit of organising a day out with his children, who he will not parent.

As for why did OP have kids with a useless prick, many many many women have kids with useless idiots every single day. Because women are told having very basic standards and expectations of a male partner are unreasonable and they should be the drudge and the dogsbody, whilst a man's very presence is a spectacular fete of parenting and humaning. This thread being a very good example.

The voice of reason. 100 x this