Page 28 | to not invite them on this day out

QueenBlue · 2023-08-08T09:03:58+00:00

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5. They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it. The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative. DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child. Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8. My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

Freepo · 09/08/2023 17:43

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 17:41

You think that they don't (or won't in future) pick up on the ops vibe of "my family" which doesn't include them?

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Correct, because they will be aware that 99% of the time they do things all together and that their step mother is kind to them and arranges days out for them all. The children aren’t idiots. They don’t think their step mothers sister is their family any more than they think their paternal aunt (or whoever) is their sibling’s family. This one off isn’t going to override the years of equal treatment they have received.

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 17:44

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 17:38

How in the hell is it kinder to leave the step kids out?? Kids don't know or care about the dynamics between the adults in their family.

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Encouraging DH to spend time with his own kids rather than relying on OP’s parents to take them out is kind in the long run.

Kerri44 · 09/08/2023 17:44

I'm a Step mum and I don't think it's unreasonable, your Husband can spend some quality time with them, I do things with my biological kids separate to each other nevermind Stepkids, you don't need to do everything with everyone all together and you don't see your family very often

aSofaNearYou · 09/08/2023 17:47

whatistheworld · 09/08/2023 17:29

to be honest, i feel sorry for your step children!

they are just kids
They are from a family that has already under gone a lot of adjustment for them (divorce, remarriage, more children)
Your parents should want to treat them as their grandchildren
you should want to treat them as part of your family
your attitude with ultimately cause long term issues with your step children.

I was one of those step children once, where children were treated differently with one side of the family. where the bio grandchildren received much better treatment despite us all having to spend occasions together like Christmas.

You knew what you were taking on when you met your husband, that includes his children,

It always baffles me when people come on to say "you knew what you were signing up for", whilst citing their own experience where they were not treated the way they claim is standard. Cleary "what you sign up for" is not universal, so it isn't possible to say that anybody knew they were signing up for your specific interpretation of how to be a step parent.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 17:50

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 17:41

You think that they don't (or won't in future) pick up on the ops vibe of "my family" which doesn't include them?

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Not really, because this is a one off and the OP has given her reasons, which include the fact that they are badly behaved and DH doesn’t want to discipline them and be the bad guy. Or do you think she should sacrifice a day out with her own family that was planned for outside normal contact time with SCs ? Or that their bad behaviour should be rewarded ? And do you imagine that when the SC see their own maternal grandparents and family, the OP’s child is routinely invited along ?

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 17:57

ReginaPhalangeee · 09/08/2023 17:36

Yes, YABU.
My son is treated like this by his dads wife and her family and I find it vile. Poor kids!

Do you invite the children his dad has with his wife along on days out with your family ?

siucra · 09/08/2023 18:00

Just take them out with you! Be nice! You're their stepmother, they aren't some random children. Hopefully you will be in their lives for the rest of yours. Show them love and kindness and be a lovely person in their lives. It's hard enough having separated parents.

ST10 · 09/08/2023 18:02

You keep on saying ‘a day with my family’ but aren’t your step children also your family? You’ve married their dad so they should be part of your family too. I think this is quite sad for them actually. I understand that the dynamics can be difficult with step children especially when you then have a child of your own but when you marry someone who already has children, you take their kids on too, warts and all.

bobster31 · 09/08/2023 18:02

The most telling thing here is that you say you would like one day out with "my family". Your step children are your family. They are your husband's children and your child's siblings. I would imagine that they've picked up on the fact that you don't particularly like being around them and that you and your parents exclude them. Can you imagine how they must be feeling? They've come to visit their dad, who has moved on and had a new family, and their step-mother is actively avoiding spending time with them as well as leaving them out of fun activities that their sibling gets to go to. No wonder their behavior isn't that great when they are around you.
I have a child who has been treated like this by her Dad's new family and it has been heartbreaking to deal with the mental health issues arising from it. I suggest you be more inclusive and make more of an effort and you might find that their behavior actually improves.

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 18:02

siucra · 09/08/2023 18:00

Just take them out with you! Be nice! You're their stepmother, they aren't some random children. Hopefully you will be in their lives for the rest of yours. Show them love and kindness and be a lovely person in their lives. It's hard enough having separated parents.

I think OP needs to be nice to herself for a change.

You think you sound kind and charming but you come across as a benign dictator, siucra.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/08/2023 18:05

What you want, OP, isn't bad in and of itself... it's that your stepchildren will be there and will see you all getting ready to go out without them.

What does your husband say when you tell him that he doesn't do much for his children, that he leaves it all to you?

The only option I can think of is that you arrange to go out much earlier before your stepchildren arrive and leave your husband to it. At least they won't know and won't miss out.

He's not much of a father though, OP. If you ever split up, this is what your child can look forward to.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/08/2023 18:06

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 18:02

I think OP needs to be nice to herself for a change.

You think you sound kind and charming but you come across as a benign dictator, siucra.

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Agreed. There are lots of charitable posters, charming and kind (they think they are anyway) but, it's always on somebody else's dime and costs them nothing to spout off.

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 18:07

OP says DH is home from the afternoon, so it’s likely his sons will arrive then too and won’t see OP leave.

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 18:07

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/08/2023 18:06

Agreed. There are lots of charitable posters, charming and kind (they think they are anyway) but, it's always on somebody else's dime and costs them nothing to spout off.

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Exactly!

scotscorner · 09/08/2023 18:10

Sorry OP but I agree this is quite a mean thing for you to do.

you’re basically saying you won’t treat the children as part of your family, and because of your partner’s bad behaviour they should miss out on a day they’d enjoy (with their sibling!). That’s not cool.

Be the bigger person here - tell him that he’s doing the childcare but by all means let them come and hang out with your extended family. Be the kind of stepmum that your SC will say in 15 years time: “she always made us feel like part of her family.”

Minime88888888 · 09/08/2023 18:12

They are your children, your sister is their aunt, your parents are their grandparents, your nephew is their cousin and - possibly most important of all - your child is their sibling. You are causing division where you should be ensuring harmony, equality and togetherness.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 18:14

Tabitha2721 · 09/08/2023 13:52

You married your husband knowing he had children. You can’t pick and choose when you’re a parent, regardless of being bio or step. I think you’re being unreasonable and should absolutely take them. You keep saying you want a day with “your family”, but they are your family?!

You can bet your bippy that if she tried to deal with their bad behaviour off her own bat she’d soon be told it’s no her place to discipline them. What’s that if not picking and choosing ?

aSofaNearYou · 09/08/2023 18:14

Minime88888888 · 09/08/2023 18:12

They are your children, your sister is their aunt, your parents are their grandparents, your nephew is their cousin and - possibly most important of all - your child is their sibling. You are causing division where you should be ensuring harmony, equality and togetherness.

Besides the child being their sibling, this is simply not true.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 18:16

Minime88888888 · 09/08/2023 18:12

They are your children, your sister is their aunt, your parents are their grandparents, your nephew is their cousin and - possibly most important of all - your child is their sibling. You are causing division where you should be ensuring harmony, equality and togetherness.

No, her child is their half sibling and the OP’s own family are no relation. We’re back to step cousins again. It’s batshit.

Flowergarden73 · 09/08/2023 18:17

I really don’t get why you’re getting so much stick OP. We are a blended family and on both sides we have previously gone out with just our own families with no issues. You and you child are allowed to go out with your family. I see my parents often and do plenty alone with them and plenty with my dh and sc and vice Versa.
YANBU

jannier · 09/08/2023 18:17

SweetStrawberrie · 09/08/2023 12:09

The differing in opinions is based on how you see step relatives and yes, your own experiences.

I was very fortunate in that my step dad never treated us any differently to his own biological children with my mum and it made a very nice happy joint unit. There was no resentment between us siblings, no 'that's MY dad' nothing like that.

I think where possible that is the nicest outcome for blended families - no children being treated differently within the family unit, my step dad certainly would not have stood for us being left out in any circumstances.

This is why I said it's important to think very hard before you get involved with someone who already has children. It's complicated and can be hard work. But ultimately, I think the children involved in any set up have to take the highest priority - yes all of them and I don't think it's wise to create a divide personally. Nothing good comes from the whole no they're MINE in my opinion.

True

jannier · 09/08/2023 18:19

aSofaNearYou · 09/08/2023 12:57

They might not understand adult drama, but my point is they often DO understand who their family is and isn't without this being a source of angst. So them feeling like they're missing out, is much the same as when they find out that anybody they know is doing something fun and they aren't. It's just basic, childish envy, not something related to feeling rejected, or that's totally unreasonable for them to feel, or that couldn't be countered with an equally fun offer.

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Having worked with children respectfully your wrong it's an adverse childhood experience that effects them for life

Ridemeginger · 09/08/2023 18:19

ludocris · 09/08/2023 17:28

So many posters not seeing beyond their own sanctimonious wicked stepmother, poor deprived stepkids narrative.

And so many more not seeing beyond their own 'useless husband, delinquent step-children, domestic slave of an OP who deserves the chance to take her PFB out with his doting GP without having the rest of the riff-raff in the family bespoiling their idyllic, pure-bred family day out' narrative.

Actually shall we remember that the reality is nothing like either of the above, but that it's the summer holidays and it's unkind to pick and choose which kids in the household get to go to the theme park?

You really are living up to your name with these posts.

SemperIdem · 09/08/2023 18:20

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 09/08/2023 18:21

scotscorner · 09/08/2023 18:10

Sorry OP but I agree this is quite a mean thing for you to do.

you’re basically saying you won’t treat the children as part of your family, and because of your partner’s bad behaviour they should miss out on a day they’d enjoy (with their sibling!). That’s not cool.

Be the bigger person here - tell him that he’s doing the childcare but by all means let them come and hang out with your extended family. Be the kind of stepmum that your SC will say in 15 years time: “she always made us feel like part of her family.”

Not just her partners’ bad behaviour, but the SCs too - or are you another who thinks bad behaviour should be rewarded ? They have form for ruining things with their behaviour, which their dad won’t deal with. Why should the OP ‘be the bigger person’ and have her day ruined as a result ? Who cares what badly behaved brats are going to say in 15 years time - it’s now that matters !!