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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite them on this day out

1000 replies

QueenBlue · 08/08/2023 10:03

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5.

They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it.

The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative.

DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child.

Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8.

My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

OP posts:
berksandbeyond · 09/08/2023 17:13

Doesn’t sound like you like your husband or his children to be honest.

Katey83 · 09/08/2023 17:14

jannier · 09/08/2023 16:59

Nobody said the grandparents had to foot the bill. Why don't the whole family act like a whole family rather than a them and us? Becoming a step parent should mean embracing the step children as your own not as a second class family not worthy of your company. Dad should be a parent to all a son in law to all and a partner op needs to get him sorted not punish the kids.

Show quote history

But this just isn’t the reality of a lot of stepfamilies / actually step children are much more akin to in-laws in my experience. They are family but adjacent and not central to the nuclear family unit. This is sad for stepchildren, but not stepparents fault. It is up to their father to parent them and if he wants his family on a day out with his wife’s family he has to accept that they may not be welcome.

Hibiscrubbed · 09/08/2023 17:18

Nope. His kids, his problem. They’re there to see him, not their stepmother’s parents or sister.

Gymnopedie · 09/08/2023 17:19

I know MN is not a friendly place for a stepmum who wants to do anything other than make the stepkids the ventre of her world and her life, regardless of the impact on her and any other DCs, but my god this thread is taking the biscuit.

So many posters not seeing beyond their own sanctimonious wicked stepmother, poor deprived stepkids narrative.

The point's been made mnay times that her DH could step up but he won't. He's offered to take the morning off and go with his DCs, but in reality he'll abandon them to the OP and her family. So why should she say OK, fine - when she knows exactly what will pan out? The kids will be disruptive and argumentative and their father will do three fifths of five eighths of fuck all.

In and amongst all the hand wringing, and several times downright vitriol aimed at the OP, this sentence of hers has been overlooked:

He never arranges anything fun with them unless I do it

Get that? They DO have fun times. Because the OP takes it on herself to make sure they do. If it was left to their actual father they wouldn't have any.

So the OP wants ONE DAY to spend with her parents and sister. There's nothing in the slightest unreasonable about that and I hope that's been how her day has gone and she and DS have had a lovely time.

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 17:21

Greensleeves · 09/08/2023 17:06

I think its perfectly reasonable for you to refuse to take them, but I don't think it's reasonable for you to say your DH can't bring them if he wants to - in fact I don't think you have any right whatsoever to forbid HIM from bringing them. If I were in your shoes, I would tell him that if he wants to bring them, he must take responsibility for them and accompany them to any rides etc that aren't suitable for the little ones - you and your parents will be focusing on one another and on your shared child. Then meet up for lunch/ice cream or whatever.

Of course she has the right to say he can’t come.

If he wants to go, he can crack on. But he sorts out the tickets, transport and food himself and he accompanies them all day without tugging on OP’s skirts.

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 17:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

MrsMitford3 · 09/08/2023 17:22

Gymnopedie · 09/08/2023 17:19

I know MN is not a friendly place for a stepmum who wants to do anything other than make the stepkids the ventre of her world and her life, regardless of the impact on her and any other DCs, but my god this thread is taking the biscuit.

So many posters not seeing beyond their own sanctimonious wicked stepmother, poor deprived stepkids narrative.

The point's been made mnay times that her DH could step up but he won't. He's offered to take the morning off and go with his DCs, but in reality he'll abandon them to the OP and her family. So why should she say OK, fine - when she knows exactly what will pan out? The kids will be disruptive and argumentative and their father will do three fifths of five eighths of fuck all.

In and amongst all the hand wringing, and several times downright vitriol aimed at the OP, this sentence of hers has been overlooked:

He never arranges anything fun with them unless I do it

Get that? They DO have fun times. Because the OP takes it on herself to make sure they do. If it was left to their actual father they wouldn't have any.

So the OP wants ONE DAY to spend with her parents and sister. There's nothing in the slightest unreasonable about that and I hope that's been how her day has gone and she and DS have had a lovely time.

I agree with this.

I hope you went with your family @QueenBlue maybe this will be a wake up call to him to to make him take charge a bit? And parent his children.

Freepo · 09/08/2023 17:24

Gymnopedie · 09/08/2023 17:19

I know MN is not a friendly place for a stepmum who wants to do anything other than make the stepkids the ventre of her world and her life, regardless of the impact on her and any other DCs, but my god this thread is taking the biscuit.

So many posters not seeing beyond their own sanctimonious wicked stepmother, poor deprived stepkids narrative.

The point's been made mnay times that her DH could step up but he won't. He's offered to take the morning off and go with his DCs, but in reality he'll abandon them to the OP and her family. So why should she say OK, fine - when she knows exactly what will pan out? The kids will be disruptive and argumentative and their father will do three fifths of five eighths of fuck all.

In and amongst all the hand wringing, and several times downright vitriol aimed at the OP, this sentence of hers has been overlooked:

He never arranges anything fun with them unless I do it

Get that? They DO have fun times. Because the OP takes it on herself to make sure they do. If it was left to their actual father they wouldn't have any.

So the OP wants ONE DAY to spend with her parents and sister. There's nothing in the slightest unreasonable about that and I hope that's been how her day has gone and she and DS have had a lovely time.

I agree with every word of this.

I would be interested to know the views of those saying they ARE her family, she must treat her DC and her SC equally etc on what say the OP gets in parenting decisions for the SC, or whether she would be told to butt out because they’re not her children should she ever take a different view on their upbringing to theIr mother.

whumpthereitis · 09/08/2023 17:27

berksandbeyond · 09/08/2023 17:10

I can’t imagine leaving any child in my home out of a theme park trip, whether they were related or not. Honestly, this is part of the territory when you have a child with a man who already had children, they’re a package deal. You need to suck it up, and so do your parents

No, neither she nor her parents need to suck anything up, and saying they do doesn’t in fact make it true. The only sucking up that has to be done is by those that think they’re in a position to dictate how anyone else considers their family. Or they could just seethe about it I guess.

Anyway, I hope OP had a good day out today with her family.

ludocris · 09/08/2023 17:28

So many posters not seeing beyond their own sanctimonious wicked stepmother, poor deprived stepkids narrative.

And so many more not seeing beyond their own 'useless husband, delinquent step-children, domestic slave of an OP who deserves the chance to take her PFB out with his doting GP without having the rest of the riff-raff in the family bespoiling their idyllic, pure-bred family day out' narrative.

Actually shall we remember that the reality is nothing like either of the above, but that it's the summer holidays and it's unkind to pick and choose which kids in the household get to go to the theme park?

whatistheworld · 09/08/2023 17:29

to be honest, i feel sorry for your step children!

  1. they are just kids
  2. They are from a family that has already under gone a lot of adjustment for them (divorce, remarriage, more children)
  3. Your parents should want to treat them as their grandchildren
  4. you should want to treat them as part of your family
  5. your attitude with ultimately cause long term issues with your step children.

I was one of those step children once, where children were treated differently with one side of the family. where the bio grandchildren received much better treatment despite us all having to spend occasions together like Christmas.

You knew what you were taking on when you met your husband, that includes his children,

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 17:33

whatistheworld · 09/08/2023 17:29

to be honest, i feel sorry for your step children!

  1. they are just kids
  2. They are from a family that has already under gone a lot of adjustment for them (divorce, remarriage, more children)
  3. Your parents should want to treat them as their grandchildren
  4. you should want to treat them as part of your family
  5. your attitude with ultimately cause long term issues with your step children.

I was one of those step children once, where children were treated differently with one side of the family. where the bio grandchildren received much better treatment despite us all having to spend occasions together like Christmas.

You knew what you were taking on when you met your husband, that includes his children,

Where do marriage vows say you must take on all his parenting duties because he is a lazy dick?

Souleater · 09/08/2023 17:33

How are your stepchildren not your family too???
Why are y'all even married?

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 17:35

I have a step daughter and I cannot imagine leaving her out of a trip like this, my parents also would never do it. You may have issues with your DH but at the end of the day these kids are going to feel very hurt and left out and I feel like that's the most important thing here.

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 17:36

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 17:35

I have a step daughter and I cannot imagine leaving her out of a trip like this, my parents also would never do it. You may have issues with your DH but at the end of the day these kids are going to feel very hurt and left out and I feel like that's the most important thing here.

Maybe OP is kinder than you and wants her DH to be a better dad to his sons? Taking on his duties IS NOT helping him be a better dad.

ReginaPhalangeee · 09/08/2023 17:36

Yes, YABU.
My son is treated like this by his dads wife and her family and I find it vile. Poor kids!

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 17:36

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 17:33

Where do marriage vows say you must take on all his parenting duties because he is a lazy dick?

Show quote history

How is including them on an exiting trip, which their dad is coming along to, taking on all the parenting duties?!

AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters · 09/08/2023 17:37

Nothing wrong at all.
my grandparents never met my step-sisters.

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 17:38

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 17:36

Maybe OP is kinder than you and wants her DH to be a better dad to his sons? Taking on his duties IS NOT helping him be a better dad.

Show quote history

How in the hell is it kinder to leave the step kids out?? Kids don't know or care about the dynamics between the adults in their family.

Freepo · 09/08/2023 17:38

Why are people assuming the step children are always treated differently? This is one day out. There is no suggestion they are normally treated any differently. It would be different if OP was trying to always go on days out without them but FFS this is ONE day. ONE trip. It doesn’t erase the 99.9% of the time that, as far as we know, the OP takes good care of them and takes responsibility for making sure they have fun in her care.

Plantyplantplants · 09/08/2023 17:38

Your DH sounds awful, I feel sorry for all of the kids and no wonder the eldest two argue - it doesn’t sound like they get much guidance from their dad.

Rupiduti · 09/08/2023 17:39

This is really mean-spirited. Your step children must feel like they aren't wanted!

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 17:41

Freepo · 09/08/2023 17:38

Why are people assuming the step children are always treated differently? This is one day out. There is no suggestion they are normally treated any differently. It would be different if OP was trying to always go on days out without them but FFS this is ONE day. ONE trip. It doesn’t erase the 99.9% of the time that, as far as we know, the OP takes good care of them and takes responsibility for making sure they have fun in her care.

You think that they don't (or won't in future) pick up on the ops vibe of "my family" which doesn't include them?

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 17:43

Dramatic · 09/08/2023 17:36

How is including them on an exiting trip, which their dad is coming along to, taking on all the parenting duties?!

Show quote history

RTFT. Because her DH is a lemon and does fuck all.

berksandbeyond · 09/08/2023 17:43

whumpthereitis · 09/08/2023 17:27

No, neither she nor her parents need to suck anything up, and saying they do doesn’t in fact make it true. The only sucking up that has to be done is by those that think they’re in a position to dictate how anyone else considers their family. Or they could just seethe about it I guess.

Anyway, I hope OP had a good day out today with her family.

Show quote history

Well I hope the OPs kids future stepmum (since DH sounds like a dick) will be nicer to them

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