Page 25 | to not invite them on this day out

QueenBlue · 2023-08-08T09:03:58+00:00

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5. They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it. The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative. DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child. Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8. My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

aSofaNearYou · 09/08/2023 14:03

Tabitha2721 · 09/08/2023 13:52

You married your husband knowing he had children. You can’t pick and choose when you’re a parent, regardless of being bio or step. I think you’re being unreasonable and should absolutely take them. You keep saying you want a day with “your family”, but they are your family?!

Yes you absolutely can decide when you're a parent to a step child, and for many the answer is never.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 14:04

Tabitha2721 · 09/08/2023 13:52

You married your husband knowing he had children. You can’t pick and choose when you’re a parent, regardless of being bio or step. I think you’re being unreasonable and should absolutely take them. You keep saying you want a day with “your family”, but they are your family?!

Given that the OP isn’t allowed to deal with the DSC’s poor behaviour because she’s not their parent she absolutely can decide not to take them out for one day and leave it to their father to take them somewhere because she’s not their parent…

Cuts both ways .

SunnyFrost · 09/08/2023 14:07

The problem seems to be your husband. He sounds like a very poor father and you don’t sound like you have much respect for his parenting. Which begs the question why you chose him to have a child with? Surely you saw how he patented his existing children before?

ohdamnitjanet · 09/08/2023 14:15

Having read all @QueenBlue ‘s posts I’m with her. I started off thinking it was mean - but the SC are old enough to know if they spoil nice and expensive days out there are consequences. Doesn’t mean I don’t feel sorry for them but why should they spoil everyone else's day? And DH turns out to be a waste of space to lazy to entertain his children, ever. It’s on him.

7eleven · 09/08/2023 14:16

So they’re at the house while you get ready to go for a fun day out? Don’t you think that’s a bit harsh - Cinderella, you may not go to the ball.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 14:21

7eleven · 09/08/2023 14:16

So they’re at the house while you get ready to go for a fun day out? Don’t you think that’s a bit harsh - Cinderella, you may not go to the ball.

And whose fault is it if they’re in the house rather than going out somewhere?

Their fathers

I mean, he’d have a very bizarre employer if he could only take the time off to go to the very specific place with the OP…

Catpuss66 · 09/08/2023 14:26

FloweryName · 08/08/2023 11:24

You want a day with your family. Your DH wants his children to escape being made to feel excluded and unwanted. It’s obvious whose feelings matter most here.

It is possible for both things to happen anyway, you just don’t want the inconvenience of the person you married and his children there. Tell your DH he needs to step up and deal with any issues between your step children on the day and suggest that you split up for a couple of hours and meet up for lunch or something.

I think this is a good compromise. Which within a step family is the aim everyone feels there is a win win.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/08/2023 14:31

I hope you're enjoying your day out without the step children @QueenBlue . You deserve to spend some time with your relatives without the step children in tow.

Harry12345 · 09/08/2023 14:33

Kirstyshine · 08/08/2023 10:56

frazzledasarock · Today 10:39

i think it’s a good thing for your DH to spend some quality one on one time with both his children. Why can’t he organise something for the three of them why does he need to barge in on your family time?
This is exactly what I've said to him, there is nothing stopping him from taking them somewhere else and having a nice bit of quality time with just them. I don't think he wants to parent alone for a day out. He was only arsed about me taking our child out with my family when he found out where it was we were going. He never arranges anything fun with them unless I do it. I just want one day with my family

I voted yabu but change my mind on reading this. What a shame he’s such an inadequate dad.

Same I change my mind too, he presumably gets time with his family alone if wanted and the mother of the step children, the fact op doesn’t see parents often the husband should be understanding and allow that time for her and take his own kids out

Gothambutnotahamster · 09/08/2023 14:40

YANBU at all Op - I'm surprised by the responses on here! Enjoy the day with your parents & sister & hope the little cousins have a blast together.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 14:46

Catpuss66 · 09/08/2023 14:26

I think this is a good compromise. Which within a step family is the aim everyone feels there is a win win.

Show quote history

Except the OP said early on in the thread her DH won’t do that.

She was very clear that if he would do that she wouldn’t have had an issue with them going. That he doesn’t/won’t is the crux of the problem

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 14:50

I'm imagining a sad little mad with his hands in his pockets, standing helplessly as he watches his wife's parents pay for his children tickets and ice creams.

And then looking into oblivion when his child needs the toilet.

IntooDepp · 09/08/2023 14:52

TakeNoNoticeoftheNoise · 08/08/2023 12:07

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I'm sure your SK's get fun times out that don't involve your child when with their mum and maternal grandparents. You're not doing anything wrong in wanting some time alone with your parents and biological child.

Have to agree with this comment.
Being a step mum myself with blended family, had this conversation many a times but it seems not understood on husbands side, just seen as been unfair to SC.
SC get extra time, trips out, round for meals with husbands parents, Auntie and cousins (also my kids grandparents) so they don’t feel left out. But it actually works the opposite and in fact our children end up getting left out many times by extended family. Your child is entitled to days out with their grandparents too as I’m sure your husbands kids get days out all about them with their BM’s family.

So you take your child out with your parents, don’t feel bad and don’t listen to the majority of people on here who don’t have any experience in regards to blended families!

I also grew up with step mum and half siblings so can relate to both sides

ThisMama1 · 09/08/2023 14:53

I’m so glad neither mine nor my husbands family differentiate between step & biological family. We’re all a blended family from step brothers & sisters to ‘half’ brother & sisters, to step children & step father/mother/grandfather etc. We’re all one family & no one especially children would be left out, even more so when it includes taking them for a day out. I wouldn’t be in my marriage if my husbands family only wanted to spend time with our child together & not my older boy who my husband (& his family) have helped raise

whumpthereitis · 09/08/2023 14:55

Tabitha2721 · 09/08/2023 13:52

You married your husband knowing he had children. You can’t pick and choose when you’re a parent, regardless of being bio or step. I think you’re being unreasonable and should absolutely take them. You keep saying you want a day with “your family”, but they are your family?!

She’s only a parent to one child. Stepparent is merely a title, not a job description. She absolutely can decide not to act as a parent to them.

Uptoyou34 · 09/08/2023 14:55

People seem unable to comprehend that every blended family situation/set-up whatever you want to call it is different and that is OK. Just because you do one thing doesn't mean everyone else has to follow suit, and that doesn't make one correct and the other wrong!

IntooDepp · 09/08/2023 14:57

Are you all forgetting the part where this has been pre arranged and booked and she wasn’t aware SC we’re coming that day. Like it’s been said in previous posts , husband should look for something to do with his kids or even rearrange another day for them all to go to said theme park with just them

Blueblell · 09/08/2023 14:57

I think it would be wrong not to take them although I do also see that you would want time with your family. But they are with you at the moment and it’s unfortunate that your family visit coincides. The kids might all have a lovely time together and can go on different rides.

7eleven · 09/08/2023 15:09

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 14:21

And whose fault is it if they’re in the house rather than going out somewhere?

Their fathers

I mean, he’d have a very bizarre employer if he could only take the time off to go to the very specific place with the OP…

Show quote history

I don’t understand the point you’re making about employer, but does it matter whose fault it is? The kids still get to watch their stepmum and half sibling get ready for a fun day out without them. That’s a bit crap for them. I’d think very differently if they weren’t actually at the house.

Iwantcakeeveryday · 09/08/2023 15:09

Regardless of how it's dressed up, regardless of who's fault it is, they're going to feel like they're missing out aren't they?

Well, not necessarily! I didn;t when in similar situations, neither did my brother, neither did my husband with his family. Every blended family I know has different ways that it all works, some parents have died so the step is literally all the mother they have and it works slightly different than my family did etc and nobody here can say for sure how these SC will feel at all. I don't know maybe some of you raise your children to be entitled little shits, but my children do not feel entitled to other peoples time, money or to be included in every family occasion that happens, and they were always reminded to understand that their siblings are allowed time alone with adult family members and that I expected no fuss to be made- if my Dad took one of the kids for the weekend, for example. Nobody looked at it as excluding anyone. There were always plenty of times we were all together too.

Honestly there seems to be a lot of immature adults who are projecting their own neediness on to these children.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 09/08/2023 15:20

7eleven · 09/08/2023 15:09

I don’t understand the point you’re making about employer, but does it matter whose fault it is? The kids still get to watch their stepmum and half sibling get ready for a fun day out without them. That’s a bit crap for them. I’d think very differently if they weren’t actually at the house.

Show quote history

They wouldn’t if the husband has packed them off out of the house to do
something fun with him.

ludocris · 09/08/2023 15:21

IntooDepp · 09/08/2023 14:57

Are you all forgetting the part where this has been pre arranged and booked and she wasn’t aware SC we’re coming that day. Like it’s been said in previous posts , husband should look for something to do with his kids or even rearrange another day for them all to go to said theme park with just them

I think this part has been misrepresented. IIRC the OP's parents weren't expecting the SC to be there because in term time it isn't their usual day, but as it's the school holidays they are there more than they would otherwise be. It's not like they've been dumped on OP and her DH unexpectedly.

HarLace1 · 09/08/2023 15:25

Seems harsh, sorry OP, wicked stepmother vibes

Hagridisthehero · 09/08/2023 15:28

Exactly this, it sends a message to them that they aren’t considered as part of the extended family. All children can be argumentative and fall out, let DH come and manage his children. But leaving them out is unfair imo.

funinthesun19 · 09/08/2023 15:28

ludocris · 09/08/2023 15:21

I think this part has been misrepresented. IIRC the OP's parents weren't expecting the SC to be there because in term time it isn't their usual day, but as it's the school holidays they are there more than they would otherwise be. It's not like they've been dumped on OP and her DH unexpectedly.

Show quote history

So they should make plans on the basis that the SC might be there because it’s the school holidays and therefore include them in every plan they make?