Page 24 | to not invite them on this day out

QueenBlue · 2023-08-08T09:03:58+00:00

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5. They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it. The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative. DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child. Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8. My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 13:00

SweetStrawberrie · 09/08/2023 12:51

I've just said my opinion for what it looks like from a child's perspective.

Regardless of how it's dressed up, regardless of who's fault it is, they're going to feel like they're missing out aren't they?

As OP has made it very clear her DH is apparently useless, who cannot manage his own children and will not do anything with them alternatively.

Yes, okay, not OPs fault.

Do I think it's still harsh on the kids? Yes I do, because they don't understand adult drama/dynamics.

Stupid of OP to of gone on and had further children with someone like this though when she had firsthand of experience of how he parented the eldest children, thus contributing to the situation.

You’re assuming that he was like this before they married and have children

Men behaving like excellent dads and partners before a woman gets pregnant is incredibly common - we accept that it’s a known fact that abuse often rears it’s head in pregnancy or in the early years after having a child yet you seem so sure the OP knew exactly what kind of dad he was.

A one off occasion will only look like that to a child if an adult portrays it to them like that.

SweetStrawberrie · 09/08/2023 13:04

Look I have only come at it from how I think a child would see it. Regardless of who is at fault or who is to blame, I think it's a bit harsh for a child to see their sibling going on a fun day out to a theme park whilst they are stuck at home. It is as simple as that.

Can go round in circles about how it is up to DH to sort out and sure, in an ideal world, but the question is am I unreasonable to not invite my DH and his kids on this day out and I think, if you know your DH is shit and will leave them sat at home otherwise, yes it is, on the basis I couldn't personally do it as I'd feel bad. Rightly or wrongly.

That's my opinion, you don't have to like it or agree.

namechangenacy · 09/08/2023 13:07

SweetStrawberrie · 09/08/2023 13:04

Look I have only come at it from how I think a child would see it. Regardless of who is at fault or who is to blame, I think it's a bit harsh for a child to see their sibling going on a fun day out to a theme park whilst they are stuck at home. It is as simple as that.

Can go round in circles about how it is up to DH to sort out and sure, in an ideal world, but the question is am I unreasonable to not invite my DH and his kids on this day out and I think, if you know your DH is shit and will leave them sat at home otherwise, yes it is, on the basis I couldn't personally do it as I'd feel bad. Rightly or wrongly.

That's my opinion, you don't have to like it or agree.

Ok that's fine but I'm sure ops son hears about DSc going to theme parks with their maternal family ? I'm sure from a child's perspective that's sucks too... but is that ok ?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 13:09

SweetStrawberrie · 09/08/2023 13:04

Look I have only come at it from how I think a child would see it. Regardless of who is at fault or who is to blame, I think it's a bit harsh for a child to see their sibling going on a fun day out to a theme park whilst they are stuck at home. It is as simple as that.

Can go round in circles about how it is up to DH to sort out and sure, in an ideal world, but the question is am I unreasonable to not invite my DH and his kids on this day out and I think, if you know your DH is shit and will leave them sat at home otherwise, yes it is, on the basis I couldn't personally do it as I'd feel bad. Rightly or wrongly.

That's my opinion, you don't have to like it or agree.

And other people can disagree with the need to turn it into the OP’s fault when it’s all down to the DH.

Children won’t see a one off occasion as a problem unless adults make it so.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 13:09

namechangenacy · 09/08/2023 13:07

Ok that's fine but I'm sure ops son hears about DSc going to theme parks with their maternal family ? I'm sure from a child's perspective that's sucks too... but is that ok ?

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That’s always different on these threads. Every time.

SweetStrawberrie · 09/08/2023 13:10

namechangenacy · 09/08/2023 13:07

Ok that's fine but I'm sure ops son hears about DSc going to theme parks with their maternal family ? I'm sure from a child's perspective that's sucks too... but is that ok ?

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We're being asked about this particular day, I'm responding to this situation, I'm sure that is also the same the other way round.

As in, I'm sure when the step children are at their other home, the 5 year old also does things.

I'm answering based on this particular outing, when they are all living at the same address with the same adults.

If you asked me the other way round I would also say it's a bit mean.

If you said the step children were the ones being taken on a fun day out and the 5 year old left at home.

It's just a bit mean to me.

It's not that deep - it's just the way I look at it for this particular day.

Sugarfree23 · 09/08/2023 13:12

@SweetStrawberrie I'm with you. I couldn't do it either.

It must cause resentment between the siblings too, little sister goes for days out while they are sat at home because Dads working.

I don't get what it issue is with them all going together, with or without Dad.

funinthesun19 · 09/08/2023 13:13

Look I have only come at it from how I think a child would see it. Regardless of who is at fault or who is to blame, I think it's a bit harsh for a child to see their sibling going on a fun day out to a theme park whilst they are stuck at home. It is as simple as that.

A child will sulk about it of course. They want everything.
But maybe they went somewhere fun last week with their own mum? Or their granny is taking them next week? Or maybe they have something really fun planned with their cousins soon? Maybe they’re going on holiday before they go back to school.
They should be reminded of all the fun that they get to have at various other times and how lucky they are. And that this time they’re staying at home with their dad. How great is it we get to spend some time together. What shall we do today?
This is where their dad could just be a parent and give them some of his own attention.

ScottishIceCream · 09/08/2023 13:13

QueenBlue · 08/08/2023 10:48

They aren't too bad at home as they have separate bedrooms so can get away from each other. Days out are horrible though and admittedly I really don't enjoy them. Imo DH is too much of a disney dad and never wante to be the bad guy by actually telling them off or anything.

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Well then Dad can do something together with his kids and be as Disney as he wants.

Don't let him spoil your day with your family.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 13:14

Sugarfree23 · 09/08/2023 13:12

@SweetStrawberrie I'm with you. I couldn't do it either.

It must cause resentment between the siblings too, little sister goes for days out while they are sat at home because Dads working.

I don't get what it issue is with them all going together, with or without Dad.

Day out. Singular.

and the Op has explained very clearly the issues with them all going…

funinthesun19 · 09/08/2023 13:19

Listen. My 3 older children are going on holiday with my parents this weekend and they get lots of trips out too. My youngest isn’t going because she has multiple meltdowns (suspected asd). But I know she would like to go. But instead she’s staying home with me and I will do something nice with her instead.

Sometimes kids don’t get to have the same all the time. For a variety of reasons. Mine has nothing to do with blended family dynamics of course, but it’s still a reality that we have to live with and accept.

My dd DOES get time with my grandparents and she does get invited out with her siblings. But just not all the time. And that’s ok. Same with Op. stepchildren don’t get to go all the time, but I’m sure she does include them sometimes. You don’t see me throwing a a big paddy about how unfair it all is on my dd. I just be a parent and get on with it and make time for her.

So I know all about children being “left behind.” Not meant in a nasty way! Same with Op.

funinthesun19 · 09/08/2023 13:25

my parents, not grandparents. (Her grandparents)

SweetStrawberrie · 09/08/2023 13:32

Difference being you do something nice with the remaining child instead - OP has said her DH won't do this.

so no matter how it is dressed up the kids being left at home are going to feel like they've missed out.

Can only go on the occurrence being asked about in the post, whether or not it's reasonable to leave some of the children out on this outing.

I wouldn't personally do it, even though I know it is not up to the step parent to make up for the other parents slack,

I wouldn't do it for them though - I would do it for the children.

I wouldn't personally do something like a theme park trip and only take one of the kids in these circumstances.

Not slating people who think differently or wouldn't act in the same way.

Presumably OP has asked in AIBU to get a variety of opinions and views - and if she didn't, well probably not the best area to of asked.

funinthesun19 · 09/08/2023 13:38

Difference being you do something nice with the remaining child instead - OP has said her DH won't do this.

Oh my god. You’re really viewing this all wrong. He never will if OP gives in. The bar needs to be so much higher but it never will be if he gets his own way.

aSofaNearYou · 09/08/2023 13:40

Sugarfree23 · 09/08/2023 13:12

@SweetStrawberrie I'm with you. I couldn't do it either.

It must cause resentment between the siblings too, little sister goes for days out while they are sat at home because Dads working.

I don't get what it issue is with them all going together, with or without Dad.

Well if you don't get it you are just being ignorant, whether you agree or not. The issue is that their behaviour will dominate the day. That is obvious, especially when applied to the scenario where dad doesn't go. Otherwise nobody would ever view babysitting as in any way a challenge. It's disingenuous to pretend you simply can't fathom what the issue is, it's been very clearly described.

As to resentment, unlikely over one day. But regardless, either of the siblings could be better off and experience more treats than the other, causing resentment. That is not a one way street.

SweetStrawberrie · 09/08/2023 13:47

funinthesun19 · 09/08/2023 13:38

Difference being you do something nice with the remaining child instead - OP has said her DH won't do this.

Oh my god. You’re really viewing this all wrong. He never will if OP gives in. The bar needs to be so much higher but it never will be if he gets his own way.

I'm not viewing anything 'wrong' - it's okay to have differing views without being patronizing of others.

I am viewing it from what I would personally do in the scenario and how I imagine children would feel.

Am I allowed to have my own opinion? It's just my opinion and thoughts on a situation

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 09/08/2023 13:47

Dc's dgps want to take them on a day out. Shocker. Don't the dsc have relatives they see too? Bonkers. I don't even take all of my own dc everywhere... Different age dc appreciate and enjoy different things. Isn't that OK? Actually going away for a week soon and leaving some of mine at home!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 13:50

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 09/08/2023 13:47

Dc's dgps want to take them on a day out. Shocker. Don't the dsc have relatives they see too? Bonkers. I don't even take all of my own dc everywhere... Different age dc appreciate and enjoy different things. Isn't that OK? Actually going away for a week soon and leaving some of mine at home!

Apparently that never happens. I was basically accused of lying when I said I was doing that today - and have done it regularly with my 6.

”real families” do everything together apparently…

Tabitha2721 · 09/08/2023 13:52

You married your husband knowing he had children. You can’t pick and choose when you’re a parent, regardless of being bio or step. I think you’re being unreasonable and should absolutely take them. You keep saying you want a day with “your family”, but they are your family?!

SpainToday · 09/08/2023 13:56

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 09/08/2023 13:47

Dc's dgps want to take them on a day out. Shocker. Don't the dsc have relatives they see too? Bonkers. I don't even take all of my own dc everywhere... Different age dc appreciate and enjoy different things. Isn't that OK? Actually going away for a week soon and leaving some of mine at home!

Apparently every time you go anywhere, you have to take all your relatives with you (including step-cousins). Otherwise everyone will be irreparably damaged.

Sunandsea26 · 09/08/2023 13:56

I’d be with you on this and not want them to come. It’ll be nice for your child to have some attention and focus

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 09/08/2023 13:56

Yet if op ever felt the need to tell them off and hand out a suitable punishment she will be told they aren't her dc. Go about your lovely day out op. And fuck the nonsense here.

ludocris · 09/08/2023 14:00

Ridemeginger · 09/08/2023 10:42

If people expect the OP to treat the SC as her own, then she should be allowed to parent and discipline them as her own - which includes excluding them from treat days for repeated bad behaviour. Of course, the hypocrisy in this thread means she should know her place, and have absolutely no say in discipline, consequences and rewards - just put up and shut up; because what the bio parents want, no matter how shitty their parenting is, goes, and this is her punishment for daring to marry a man with children.

Oh good idea. 'You're not coming to the theme park because sometimes you don't behave well'.

funinthesun19 · 09/08/2023 14:01

SweetStrawberrie · 09/08/2023 13:47

I'm not viewing anything 'wrong' - it's okay to have differing views without being patronizing of others.

I am viewing it from what I would personally do in the scenario and how I imagine children would feel.

Am I allowed to have my own opinion? It's just my opinion and thoughts on a situation

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I’m really not patronising you. I’m talking to you. You’re entitled to your opinion. You think the OP is wrong for not taking her stepchildren and you see that is the primary concern, and that’s your opinion. So why am I not allowed to express my opinion that I think you’re wrong for ignoring the core problem? (The dad)

I just don’t think these dads need more opportunities to be lazy sods by people making excuses for them.

funinthesun19 · 09/08/2023 14:02

you see that AS the primary concern