to not invite them on this day out

[QueenBlue]

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5.

They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it.

The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative.

DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child.

Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8.

My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

The way all the people here that don't jump to ridiculous negative conclusions did 😂

They'd prefer they weren't there because they aren't close to them, and this is a rare occasion for them to see OP and her child that they would naturally dominate, making it difficult for them to have the quality time they came for. They'd prefer they weren't there in the same way anyone would prefer another child they don't know and don't feel responsibility for wasn't at their family gathering.

They aren't a problem as things stand because everyone has their own relationships and they don't need to be there, because it just isn't in line with the level of relationship they have with them.

I don't think anyone needs your permission for having their own opinion, what a bizarre and condescending post.

Never said anyone needed my permission 😂? What a weird thing to suggest, just simply stated everyone is entitled to there own opinion, I’ve already said we’ll have to agree to disagree, I have my opinion you have yours🤷‍♀️ boring subject now😂..

Neither of which say what you accused them of…

Where is your ire for the lazy man who could take his children out but won’t bother?

That sounds normal and healthy and fine for everyone involved.

Not like the op's portrayal of her situation which is full of nastiness, hostility, contempt and dislike.

If people expect the OP to treat the SC as her own, then she should be allowed to parent and discipline them as her own - which includes excluding them from treat days for repeated bad behaviour.

This! Countless threads on here about family members having to deal with badly behaved children and posters saying not to cater to them and their parents should be called out and/or be dealing with such behaviour but stepmums seem to be omitted from this and should have to just cope with it otherwise they’re being mean and cruel.

My sister and I constantly fought but it was shut down and we knew to stay in our corners and not to behave that way in public or under the care of other family members or we would both lose out in doing fun activities because no one wants to be around children like that. Family members didn’t know how much we didn’t get on until we were adults.

Not like the op's portrayal of her situation which is full of nastiness, hostility, contempt and dislike.

No it doesn't, it sounds pretty much the same, all OP has added is that their behaviour is hard work. "Nastiness, hostility, contempt and dislike" is a really hyperbolic way to describe that.

The nastiness, contempt, hostility etc. Is in all directions. She clearly thinks her husband is a waste of space. She hates her stepchildren. He apparently can't be bothered with her unless she's looking after his kids, according to her. There's no suggestion of any wish to build a positive relationship between her child and its siblings, quite the reverse - she seems determined to divide them. Apparently the stepchildren are also angry and unhappy.

All round, she presents a miserable, resentful, hostile situation characterised by dislike and contempt. No love, no wish to be together or to build relationships, no possibility of a happy, unified family enjoying time together.

Sounds utterly shit.

She hates her step children because she doesn’t want to take them on one day out with her parents

The hyperbole of your post is quite bizarre.

No wonder the OP hasn’t come back on with extrapolations like this flying around.

Yeah I have to agree, it's fine to spend one on one time with each child but honestly, this set up sounds very them and us.

Also have to question why you would have further children with someone who you present as so useless - you're in a more fortunate position than most in that you get to have firsthand experience with what they're actually like as a father beforehand.

I think you must be reading a different thread! The only hostility is towards her husband, which is warranted and justified. He needs to step up and parent and discipline properly. Your entire post is something you're projecting onto the Op, possibly from your own experiences. Its not bearing any resemblance to the Op's posts.

I think you must be reading a different thread! The only hostility is towards her husband, which is warranted and justified. He needs to step up and parent and discipline properly. Your entire post is something you're projecting onto the Op, possibly from your own experiences. Its not bearing any resemblance to the Op's posts.

Agreed. Very extreme.

Like I said already, so many are projecting their own messed up feelings on to these step children. You have no idea what they feel and many of us who are in step families have said we had similar set ups and didn't feel left out- or hated! every family works differently and this ridiculous idea we all need to be together all the time and pretend everyone has the same relationships or that step parents are the same as biological and have the same responsibilities is not helpful at all. You're putting pressure on people to feel things they might not, and that is never ok.

The differing in opinions is based on how you see step relatives and yes, your own experiences.

I was very fortunate in that my step dad never treated us any differently to his own biological children with my mum and it made a very nice happy joint unit. There was no resentment between us siblings, no 'that's MY dad' nothing like that.

I think where possible that is the nicest outcome for blended families - no children being treated differently within the family unit, my step dad certainly would not have stood for us being left out in any circumstances.

This is why I said it's important to think very hard before you get involved with someone who already has children. It's complicated and can be hard work. But ultimately, I think the children involved in any set up have to take the highest priority - yes all of them and I don't think it's wise to create a divide personally. Nothing good comes from the whole no they're MINE in my opinion.

Was this your main residence? It's very different when it isn't. The children are treated the same within the core family unit but they are usually perfectly aware that their step parent isn't their parent, and their parents aren't their grandparents etc. How can they not be when they spend the vast majority of the time with their own, actual family?

They know they live different lives to their siblings because most of the time, they aren't there and are off living their own life. It isn't always the source of angst it would be if they lived there full time and are simply being left out.

Taking three children of differing ages on two different days out occasionally doesn’t need to be a divide. It can be a positive.

I’m heading out today with DS2. His two younger sisters are out with DH. They’ll all have a brilliant day without having to consider different aged siblings.

We did the same with the older three on numerous occasions - DSS and DD1 would go one place and DD2 another - because they had very different personalities.

The problem here isn’t the OP not taking the DSC out on this particular day trip. It’s that their father won’t make it a positive thing - which would be so easy to do if he was remotely interested in his children.

Yes I acknowledge the DH could take his other children elsewhere but come on - a theme park is accessible to all ages and a hugely exciting place for most children. We're not talking the step children being disappointed they couldn't go to a soft play.

We can only go on this specific example of whether or not OP is unreasonable to not want DH and her step children to join them on this day out.

How do you explain this though to children if they ask?

So in this scenario 'Dad/Step mum how comes we're not allowed to come to Thorpe Park?'

''Sorry we are having a day out just with biological child and their family'

'are we not your family?'

'Oh well yes but I mean with our actual real family'

Or do you lie? Invent a reason why they cannot come? Maybe say it's their dads fault because he won't look after you properly?

It's just not the way for me but to each their own.

I never saw either of my blended families as my 'actual' family. They were all just my relatives.

You’re still ignoring that the problem is the DH.

He could take his children somewhere else just as fun.

also if he’d step up as a parent he could easily take them along to the same place, but just have a separate day. He won’t though. He’s the problem. Not the OP.

So in this scenario 'Dad/Step mum how comes we're not allowed to come to Thorpe Park?'

”because we’re going to X equally exciting place”

”because StepMum and sibling will be doing all the baby rides so we’re going to do Y other thing”

Even “because siblings granny is taking the little ones out for the day like your granny took you to X and I took you Y without the little one”.

So many ways it could easily be sorted if he just stepped up and parented…

@SweetStrawberrie By "actual" family, I'm referring to their maternal extended family, rather than their step mum's. I can honestly say my DSS, who visits EOW and has met my parents a handful of times, has never questioned whether he is part of their family.

And how we would explain this situation, is we would downplay it. We wouldn't talk at length about it being Thorpe Park and make him jealous, we'd just tell him DD and I were going out with her grandparents. If he cottoned on that we were doing something cool and felt jealous, DP would come up with a plan on how to occupy him. That plan might be to come along and he actually take full responsibility for him rather than leave any of it to me. Or it might be to do something else.

I've just said my opinion for what it looks like from a child's perspective.

Regardless of how it's dressed up, regardless of who's fault it is, they're going to feel like they're missing out aren't they?

As OP has made it very clear her DH is apparently useless, who cannot manage his own children and will not do anything with them alternatively.

Yes, okay, not OPs fault.

Do I think it's still harsh on the kids? Yes I do, because they don't understand adult drama/dynamics.

Stupid of OP to of gone on and had further children with someone like this though when she had firsthand of experience of how he parented the eldest children, thus contributing to the situation.

Yes I acknowledge the DH could take his other children elsewhere but come on - a theme park is accessible to all ages and a hugely exciting place for most children. We're not talking the step children being disappointed they couldn't go to a soft play.

And they will get a chance to go at some point. They will just have to wait won’t they? Maybe when their father books for them all to go together. This might be a great incentive for him to get something booked.
But today just isn’t the day for them to go, out of respect for the plans that OP and her family have made.

Their chance to go to a theme park won’t all hinge on this one opportunity. It’s not a once in a lifetime trip.

They might not understand adult drama, but my point is they often DO understand who their family is and isn't without this being a source of angst. So them feeling like they're missing out, is much the same as when they find out that anybody they know is doing something fun and they aren't. It's just basic, childish envy, not something related to feeling rejected, or that's totally unreasonable for them to feel, or that couldn't be countered with an equally fun offer.