to not invite them on this day out

[QueenBlue]

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5.

They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it.

The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative.

DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child.

Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8.

My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

That's not sad at all. It's really lovely.

@funinthesun19 yeah she's allowed to do what she wants. She doesn't even have to speak to the SC if she doesn't want to. Doesn't change the fact that she has a relationship with these children that the ex doesn't have with OP's child.

Her husband's laziness isn't a side issue. It's the main issue of the whole thing -

if he wasn't lazy the children wouldn't be so wild.
If he wasn't lazy the OP would be able to trust him to come along and parent them on the day.
If he wasn't lazy then he'd take the opportunity to take them on a day out without their younger sibling impacting it.

His laziness is the problem

It's not sad. Families work in different ways.

There are 6 kids in our family (though 3 are adults now). DS is DH's, DDs are mine, 3 are ours.

DS's Grandmother and Aunt have a lovely relationship with all of the children. They spend a lot of time with all of us, and even with me (which must be very hard for his Grandmother having lost her daughter). They also spend time just with DS.

His Grandfather only sees him twice a year because of distance. He has a polite relationship with the other children - he'll be kind to them when he sees them and make conversation, but he never treated them like grandchildren. He spent his small amount of time with DS only and made the most of that.

Neither of those situations is wrong. Just like the OP spending time with her DSC sometimes, but also spending time with her parents and sibling with just her DC isn't wrong either.

I know I never said it does change the fact. I was just saying that even with that relationship, she’s still only mum to her own DC just as much as the ex is only mum to the SC. She’s still her own person and not just an extension of the father when it comes to the SC. She’s allowed to see her family without him and his kids every once in a while.

And don’t be silly. Of course she will talk to them. I don’t see how that’s comparable to a trip out with her family while they spend time with their dad. One is emotional abuse (not talking to them) and the other is not (the trip out) 🤷🏼‍♀️.

OP rarely gets to see her mother, sister or nephew because they live a few hours away from them, presumably to facilitate OP's husband being close to his older DC. If OP herself rarely sees them, then how much more rare must it be for her step DC, who are only there weekends? to have met or got to know OP's family. They're pretty much strangers to OP's mum, sister and nephew, and weren't supposed to be at OP's on the date this outing was arranged for, which is WHY it was arranged for that day. OP made the choice to marry a man with Dc's and take them on like her own, but her family didn't. OP doesn't get to dictate to them that they must see or treat her step DC like her blood DC. It is perfectly reasonable for OPs mum and sister to want this to be a day out/catch up with just OP and their bio grandchild/nephew, especially as it was arranged/paid for by OP's mum, and not want to invite Op's step DCs. It is neither Op's or her Dh's place to invite Dh and the step DC's.

Op's updates make it clear step DC don't get on with eachother and are full on and argumentative, and that her DH won't discipline them for their bad behaviours as he doesn't want to be the bad guy to his kids. It was also made clear, despite many people still suggesting it, that her Dh simply would not take his 2 older DC around separately, as he does not want to be in sole charge of them, even when at home. OP stated he has always refused to do this previously, so she knows he wouldn't. He will insist on staying together as one group, and not discipline his badly behaved kids, who would probably try to dominate the day, no doubt spoiling it for OP, her mum, her sister, and her nephew. (Tbh, i wouldn't put it past him to announce on the day he "can't take the time from work" and not go along to help at all)

Everyone is getting so up in arms about how it's cruel and unfair to the 2 step DC, well, what about ops DC and her nephew? Why is it more fair for their day out to be ruined? Why is it ok for OPs, her mums, and her sisters rare day together, to be ruined? Why do 2 kids and their feelings, outrank 5 other people (2 of whom are children also) and their feelings?
The step DC could have an awesome, fun day out somewhere else with their dad, and not feel at all left out. But HE is the one being selfish and not wanting to do that, and has never done it previously, because he doesn't want the responsibility, or feels he can't cope with them alone (which makes it even more unreasonable to expect someone who isnt related to them/in a parenting role to do it instead) The blame for any hurt feelings is 100% on his head, he has the oppertunity to create a solution where everyone is happy, but he's too selfish.

Well said. I hope you have an awesome day out op.

Exactly this.

If my child or sibling shoehorned two badly behaved children that I barely know into an event of mine, I'd be beyond pissed off. I'd cancel it altogether and reschedule for another day.

It's not the (badly behaved) children and Disney dad who need to be considered here, but the original actual invitees of the day, who, quite frankly, take priority in this instance.

Enjoy the time with your child and her grandparents. To fit the SC in will dilute your child's time with grandparents. Your SC can have special dad time.

Christ on a bike and we really quoting fairytales and Harry Potter (both which how actual abuse of children) to op because her parents have organised a day out witht ops child and they want some family time 🤯

Who is that entitled to think that they can expect ops parents to change the plans last min and to foot the bill for the extra guests and even better then let everyone else parent the children while dad does nothing.

There's a way the children won't feel left out and that's for dad to actually plan something nice for his children when he has one on one time with them. Surely that's the mn dream right ?

@YetMoreNewBeginnings no he certainly isn’t a waste of space, however his daughter’s behaviour can sometimes be challenging, they are between two households after all🤷‍♀️ so it’s completely understandable. Clearly OPS stepchildren are between households aswell, so it’s a very valid point.

siblings argue, it’s quite normal tbh, OP doesn’t sound particularly interested in working as a team to HELP her DH overcome this with his children though, her attitude is very much “this is my family” which the stepchildren will naturally pick up on and this can cause tension between siblings to.

I can understand DHs feelings with this one, he’s offered to come along and has offered to reschedule work, OP just doesn’t want her stepchildren there.. let’s be honest there’s no actual reason behind it, she just doesn’t look at them as part of her family.

people are entitled to there opinions, you’ve got yours & I’ve got mine😊.

Possibly the most goady reply to a message I've ever seen.
Very clearly zero experience of step parenting.

There is a very good reason, she doesn't want to parent and wrangle two bickering kids on a day she's supposed to be with her family, which she doesn't see much of.

It’s a day out that was never organised with her stepchildren in mind. It wasn’t even organised by OP, but by her parents, who themselves have every right to want to spend a day with their children and grandchildren without it being gatecrashed. They are her family, but they’re not her children, and they don’t have the relationship to her blood family that she and her children do.

A ‘family day out’ can indeed be limited to certain relatives, and not inviting every single member of a family does not mean those that haven’t been invited are not considered family. It’s disingenuous to pretend that is the case.

I highly doubt her stepchildren consider OP to be equal to their mother, or her relatives to be their relatives. If they’re able to grasp that their maternal family isn’t the family of their half sibling, then they can grasp that OP’s family isn’t theirs.

I think what is more likely to harm children is the desire to force blended families into the mould of nuclear ones, and encouraging unrealistic expectations in regards to this. it’s one thing if everyone is in agreement with this approach and it works for them (which includes the children, who will likely have their own opinions as to whether they actually want this), but that isn’t going to work and be best for every situation, and it isn’t the only valid way.

OP you are completely within your rights to not take the SC, although I agree that their dad should be taking them to do a different fun activity instead.

Everyone saying that the SC are part of the family too - yes, they are part of OP’s immediate family now but not part of her parents’ and sisters’. OP’s parents want to spend time with their grandchild who of course means more to them than the kids of the bloke she’s now with. It’s ridiculous to try and pretend that when you blend a family both sides see the kids as all the same - they’re just not. The SC presumably have their own grandparents/aunts/uncles from their mum’s side - do you think they view the OP’s child as one of their own?

@whumpthereitis ok, in my opinion what damages children is people who decide to get into a relationship with someone who already has children, which naturally means you need to blend as a family & people choosing to act as if they are not entitled to feel part of that family.

when me and my husband got together, we blended.. we did things with ALL of the children because we’re a blended family?

grandparents see and spend time with ALL the children because we’re a family? Sounds like OPs family actually have no interest in getting to know the stepchildren here, there very much looked at as a “problem”.

like I’ve said, I’ve got my opinion, others have there’s.

@AngryGreasedSantaCatcus she shouldn’t have got into a relationship with a man who already has children then😊 as a blended family your supposed to include not exclude.. also it’s common sense to know children argue and bicker, when getting into this relationship surely she would have been aware of this being a possibility.. to now say “I don’t want to deal with it” is ridiculous.

Nah, this is just your made up definition of step parenting. I didn't sign up for providing childcare at my DPs whim and I maintain every right to say "this behaviour is doing my head in, you need to deal with it yourself". I certainly have a relationship with my own family that is mine to navigate and that he needs to respect. If he didn't like that, he was free to not get into a relationship with me.

Just because you are part of a blended family doesn’t mean they have to be included in every thing.

Bit harsh in my opinion, it's a clear way to state an us and them situation. I've taken my step kids out plenty of times with my family and friends. And my kids have been out plenty of times with his.

It's a way to make the kids feel rejected and if you know he won't take them out and do something nice wouldn't it make you want to take them more? I know I couldn't leave my step kids at home to do nothing while I flaunt a big day out in front of them.

No kid asks for their parents to separate and have step parents

Thats how you organized it because clearly that’s what worked best for you. It doesn’t work best for everyone though, and nor does it have to. Not everyone idealises that set up, and thankfully it really isn’t something anyone is in a position to force. You do you, let other people sort themselves out 🤷🏻‍♀️

No, OP’s family likely doesn’t see the stepchildren as their grandchildren/nieces/nephews/cousins, and again they don’t need to. Their only tie to them is through OP’s marriage, and if that ends they’re unlikely to ever see them again.

My brother has a stepchild, but it’s never been expected that our parents take on the grandparent role, or for me to take on the role of aunt. That doesn’t mean that the kid is a problem, or that they’re treated unkindly, it just means that isn’t the level of relationship anyone expects.

Why would knowing your husband is a lazy fucker that won’t bother taking his kids out make you want to take them more? Why should a step mum fill that void. It’s not her job.

No one’s flaunting anything, she’s just having a day out with her kids and family.

Lol, regardless of anyone else’s thoughts on the matter she was and is perfectly entitled to do exactly what she did and is doing. The father is the one responsible for his children - if he wanted a wife that considered his children as her own then it was entirely on him to not date and marry a woman that didn’t. She isn’t more responsible for his children than he is, and his failings are not hers to compensate for.

Well first of all don't marry someone who is a lazy fucker to begin with. But secondly as stated they are just children who unfortunately are put in that position. I wouldn't want any child to feel unwanted or pushed out, you're meant to be a family. I wouldn't take one child out and leave one behind. It's sad to me that people view step children as a burden and an inconvenience.

Luckily I don't need to worry about that dynamic because my partner is a hands on dad and would take any chance to spend quality time with his children.

That’s fine, no one is trying to dictate to you what your family dynamic ‘should’ be. You do you, and feel free to extend the same courtesy to others.