Page 20 | to not invite them on this day out

QueenBlue · 2023-08-08T09:03:58+00:00

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5. They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it. The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative. DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child. Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8. My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

CrazyHedgehogLover · 08/08/2023 22:10

I’m also a step mum and this just seems odd tbh, I personally think that your family should look at them as part of there family, if you had children that argued etc would they single them out and refuse to have them come along?

I think YABU, your DH has offered to come to look after them? You should surely want to go as a family right?…

I wouldn’t be thrilled at my family acting this way tbh.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 08/08/2023 22:17

gettingoldisshit · 08/08/2023 15:56

@Eggandcresspleasemummy what exactly did i say that were gratuitous insults?

Whatever it was MN moderators agreed because they’ve deleted it.

Rolothecat · 08/08/2023 22:22

The kids will feel it you know. Sometimes we have to do things that we don’t really want to do, you said you want to do things just with “your family” Do you not see them as your family? Please include them

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 08/08/2023 22:22

Cucucucu · 08/08/2023 18:15

Op are you the same person that didn’t what to take the sc on holidays either ? And whose husband was upset ?
I hope these men see through this awful behaviour and ou their kids first

Explain how you think her DH is putting his children first by refusing to discipline their bad behaviour and expecting the OP to do his parenting for him so he can stay ‘Disney dad’ ? Or have you just not bothered to read the thread properly ?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/08/2023 22:25

CrazyHedgehogLover · 08/08/2023 22:10

I’m also a step mum and this just seems odd tbh, I personally think that your family should look at them as part of there family, if you had children that argued etc would they single them out and refuse to have them come along?

I think YABU, your DH has offered to come to look after them? You should surely want to go as a family right?…

I wouldn’t be thrilled at my family acting this way tbh.

Is your husband a waste of space that doesn’t bother parenting his children and let them ruin days out? Because if he isn’t then it’s not really comparable.

You seem to have missed the fact that the DH is a major part of the problem…

Neonyellowfish · 08/08/2023 22:29

Rolothecat · 08/08/2023 22:22

The kids will feel it you know. Sometimes we have to do things that we don’t really want to do, you said you want to do things just with “your family” Do you not see them as your family? Please include them

Fact is though as step mums … you really don’t have to include your step kids in everything you do.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 08/08/2023 22:32

ludocris · 08/08/2023 17:49

So odd that some people are suggesting it's the same as the SC's mum taking the OP's child out. I'm pretty sure you know what the difference is but if you don't, I'd be happy to provide you with a diagram or a brief PowerPoint presentation.

This shouldn't be about who has to take on the chore of looking after the SC. It should be about making them feel part of the family. It's miserable to frame them as a burden that the OP shouldn't have to put up with because it will spoil her perfect family day.

Bring it on, by all means. How is it different ? OP is expected to take her SC who don’t live with her, on an outing arranged for her child to spend time with their maternal grandparents. Is the OPs child afforded the same consideration by DH’s ex when she takes her own children to see their maternal family ? If not, why is the OP expected to do so ? It’s the same thing.

funinthesun19 · 08/08/2023 22:38

I agree it’s the same thing. Both women are mums only to their own respective children.

The op doesn’t owe the sc a day out any more than the sc’s mum owes OP’s dc a day out.

JaukiVexnoydi · 08/08/2023 22:43

The difference is that OP is her DH's current service-human to whim all tedious inconveniences may be delegated, whereas his ex is no longer so-obliged.

It is true that the relationship between OP and the SC is the same as the relationship between the ex and OPs DC but OP is being held to a higher standard because she is expected to be subservient to he DHs desires.

DH is absolved from putting effort into his DC having a nice day out because he has the Y chromosomes.

jannier · 08/08/2023 22:43

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 08/08/2023 19:07

Cinderella's dad was dead. This one is alive and kicking and has the ability to actually spend time with his kids and make sure they have fun and don't feel left out.

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But the step mother treated her like she wasn't part of the family if you take on a partner with kids you take on the kids

Codlingmoths · 08/08/2023 22:44

If the Dh were my husband, he’d pack some sandwiches and take his dc out for a fun day and they’d have an awesome day of dad time and there would be no issue of the sdc missing out, it would be the best kind of dad contact day. Because he’s a dad, not a Disney dad. If they are upset it’s because their dad doesn’t prioritise them or put in the effort and I’d call him on that. Say brightly ‘we didn’t know you were coming when today was planned but maybe your dad can take you somewhere fun next time- you think of some options and tell him!!’

jannier · 08/08/2023 22:46

phoenixrosehere · 08/08/2023 19:46

The trip isn’t about her DH or his SC though! It’s about OP’s parents spending time with THEIR grandchildren and daughter that they don’t see often. It was a pre-planned trip that her parents are treating them to.

Her DH could take them to the amusement park if he wanted to and have them on his own but he doesn’t want to do that. He doesn’t want to spend time alone with his own children and only wants to go along with OP because it means he has three other adults to step in (mainly OP) leaving her to not get the time with her parents, child, and nephew. The nephew nor the grandparents really know the SC and having them along changes the dynamic

Would some of you expect the same from the ex-wife’s parents to include OP’s child who they likely don’t see or know much either?

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Is the DHs attitude the fault of the children so they suffer or the fault of the couple who haven't sorted things? Why be cruel to the children?

Grapewrath · 08/08/2023 22:50

Yanbu. Your family are coming to see you and your DC. I’m sure your step kids have their own grandparents and aunts etc to spoil them.
I would enjoy your day and suggest to your DH he takes his kids somewhere nice for some one to one time

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/08/2023 22:53

I might be a bit sad, but I’m quite looking forward to my dc’s little brother (so exh’s son by his current partner) being a bit older and coming on a few days out with us. Us being my two dc (currently 14 and 9) and me.

I don’t expect to be a babysitter but would be happy to offer a few days out in the holidays, esp when he starts school.

So I don’t think it’s totally unreasonable to think it could work the other way around.

WotNoUserName · 08/08/2023 22:57

I'm a stepmum, as well as having my own with their dad.

I've taken my own kids out without my SC. I've taken my SC out without my own. I've taken one SC with one or two of my own. I've taken one or two of my own out without any other siblings. They've all had days out to places.

I've taken my own kids to see my family, and at other times my SC have come along.

Surely it's normal as a family to do separate things at times?

I'm sure there will be other opportunities for them to go to a theme park, but this day, no. And that's fine!

iloveroastpotatoes · 08/08/2023 22:59

This post has really made me sad. They're family enough to stay with you just not go out with you. I know I couldn't look at myself the same way if I left my child's siblings at home while I took the easy one. How will that evenings dinner conversation go? Your husbands laziness is a side issue, his is ultimately how you treat your household.
Even the Dursley's took Harry to the zoo.

ludocris · 08/08/2023 22:59

Alright for the wilfully ignorant I'll explain. The OP is step-parent to her DH's children because she's his current partner and lives with him, therefore lives with his children on a part-time basis. I mean literally, the definition of a step-parent is to be married to one of a child's biological parents.

Of course I know you knew that. But I'll temporarily buy into the pretence that there's no difference in the relationship between a child and their step-parent, or a child and the ex-partner of one of their biological parents.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/08/2023 23:01

ludocris · 08/08/2023 22:59

Alright for the wilfully ignorant I'll explain. The OP is step-parent to her DH's children because she's his current partner and lives with him, therefore lives with his children on a part-time basis. I mean literally, the definition of a step-parent is to be married to one of a child's biological parents.

Of course I know you knew that. But I'll temporarily buy into the pretence that there's no difference in the relationship between a child and their step-parent, or a child and the ex-partner of one of their biological parents.

I don’t disagree with you. The relationship is completely and entirely different.

I just wanted to say, I’m happy for it to work the other way around too if it comes up. But of course their brother would never be sat in our house watching us all go out.

ludocris · 08/08/2023 23:02

iloveroastpotatoes · 08/08/2023 22:59

This post has really made me sad. They're family enough to stay with you just not go out with you. I know I couldn't look at myself the same way if I left my child's siblings at home while I took the easy one. How will that evenings dinner conversation go? Your husbands laziness is a side issue, his is ultimately how you treat your household.
Even the Dursley's took Harry to the zoo.

😅 I think you've won the thread with your closing comment.

ludocris · 08/08/2023 23:03

That's a nice attitude @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing.

matchamate · 08/08/2023 23:04

funinthesun19 · 08/08/2023 19:32

So weird posters here expect OP to pick up the slack and not the children's actual father! It's one day only, not like it happens every week or even every month FGS. No one's being excluded, Op is meeting her parents and sister and husband is getting the opportunity for 1to1 time with his older children for ONE DAY ONLY.

Not exactly earth-shattering neglect by step-mum to step-children, is it?

People complain and whinge and moan all the time on here about first children not getting time with their father. Here is the perfect opportunity for them to have it and it’s still not good enough because OP is off out doing something… without them.

I agree it's the perfect 1 to 1 time fo rthem

SunRainStorm · 08/08/2023 23:09

funinthesun19 · 08/08/2023 22:38

I agree it’s the same thing. Both women are mums only to their own respective children.

The op doesn’t owe the sc a day out any more than the sc’s mum owes OP’s dc a day out.

I don't think OP is obligated to include the DSC but I don't this this analogy makes sense.

The OP chose to marry and procreate with a man who had children. She chose to become a stepmother.

The ex wife had no say and control in creation of OP's child and presumably hasn't lived with them or cared for them ever.

The OP has a much higher moral obligation to the DSC than the ex has to OP's child.

Nevertheless OP should be free to let her parents treat their grandchildren without having DSC foisted on her.

phoenixrosehere · 08/08/2023 23:23

jannier · 08/08/2023 22:46

Is the DHs attitude the fault of the children so they suffer or the fault of the couple who haven't sorted things? Why be cruel to the children?

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It’s the fault of the SC’s parents, not OP. OP has plans with her parents and nephew that were already arranged.

How is it cruel when it’s an outing planned by the parents of OP who have no obligation to include children they barely know when the reason for them visiting is to spend time with their adult child and grandchildren that they barely see? The stepchildren were not invited in the first place and making them change their plans to accommodate DH and his children isn’t fair to her parents, OP, and the other children.

Nothing is stopping their father from taking them to the amusement park himself or any other thing that these children would enjoy that doesn’t interfere with OP’s time with her own parents, child, and nephew. Not everything has to be shared regardless if it’s bio or step children.

If OP’s child was specifically invited to something, would the SC be going too? No and doubtful it would happen if it was the SC’s being specifically invited and not their sibling.

funinthesun19 · 08/08/2023 23:36

ludocris · 08/08/2023 22:59

Alright for the wilfully ignorant I'll explain. The OP is step-parent to her DH's children because she's his current partner and lives with him, therefore lives with his children on a part-time basis. I mean literally, the definition of a step-parent is to be married to one of a child's biological parents.

Of course I know you knew that. But I'll temporarily buy into the pretence that there's no difference in the relationship between a child and their step-parent, or a child and the ex-partner of one of their biological parents.

I know how it works, thank you.

I’m just saying, the OP doesn’t automatically owe the SC a day out any more than the SC’s mum owes OP’s kids a day out. She’s not an extension of the father and is her own person. Therefore, she is allowed to see her family without him/his kids just as much as the SC’s mum is freely allowed to do whatever she wants.

Gymnopedie · 08/08/2023 23:38

Is the DHs attitude the fault of the children so they suffer or the fault of the couple who haven't sorted things? Why be cruel to the children?

ExACTly! Why is the DH (their father) being cruel to his children?

Is the DHs attitude the fault of the children

And is it the fault of the OP?