Page 18 | to not invite them on this day out

QueenBlue · 2023-08-08T09:03:58+00:00

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5. They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it. The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative. DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child. Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8. My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/08/2023 18:52

Sugarfree23 · 08/08/2023 18:50

Their Dad is working - you know earning cash to feed his kids.

If he's that much of a looser and failing Dad why did she have a child with him?

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So his time off that he can take is only for the specific place the OP is going?

I hardly think so…

Gymnopedie · 08/08/2023 18:54

If the DH can rearrange to have the morning off (plus his afternoon that he was already off) to go to the theme park with OP and her family, then he can take the morning off to do something equally exciting with his DCs if he wants them to have a nice day out. They could have a brilliant time with their father without having to share him with the 5yo.

Problem solved!

Oh wait... He'd have to be a, y'know, parent. He couldn't palm off all the organising, feeding, wrangling and refereeing to the OP. So he won't. He'll try (along with several PPs) to guilt trip the OP instead.

Let's put this conundrum where it belongs. On him.

matchamate · 08/08/2023 18:57

Cucucucu · 08/08/2023 18:12

That’s not an issue at all , the issue is a woman making sure her SC are left behind when clearly they would love a day with the sibling on an amusement park . You can paint it as you wish but the reality is her SC are part of the family and if she is not happy with it then she shouldn’t have gotten married to a man who had children

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She hasn't said she's not happy with it. She just wants to take her kid to the theme park.

matchamate · 08/08/2023 18:58

I'm in a "nuclear" family and growing up there were times my elder sibling went on fun days out and I had to stay home. I am not damaged by this.

funinthesun19 · 08/08/2023 19:00

Sugarfree23 · 08/08/2023 18:23

It might be a different dynamic.
But really how can she walk out the door with their half-sibling to go to a fun fair while they are left to amuse themselves in front of the telly while Dad works?

Because we all know he isn't going to take time off to do something without Op.

"Bye kids see you when we get back"
Someone said the kids would only be hurt if someone told them to be hurt. Honestly could you do that to any child?

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It was me who said that, and I meant it.

And yes if I was OP and had made plans without them in mind and without prior knowledge about them being there that day, I would still go ahead with my plans without them and wouldn’t feel guilty about it. People make plans that don’t always involve everyone. Big deal. It would be up to the dad to entertain them that day.

And also if I was OP, I wouldn’t wake up one day and decide to take my kids out spontaneously and leave the stepchildren at home. That’s a very different scenario and the one you’re trying to push but doesn’t apply to OP at all. (Still caveats even to that though)

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 08/08/2023 19:01

Gymnopedie · 08/08/2023 18:54

If the DH can rearrange to have the morning off (plus his afternoon that he was already off) to go to the theme park with OP and her family, then he can take the morning off to do something equally exciting with his DCs if he wants them to have a nice day out. They could have a brilliant time with their father without having to share him with the 5yo.

Problem solved!

Oh wait... He'd have to be a, y'know, parent. He couldn't palm off all the organising, feeding, wrangling and refereeing to the OP. So he won't. He'll try (along with several PPs) to guilt trip the OP instead.

Let's put this conundrum where it belongs. On him.

And that's why this whole thing does boil down to kids tome with dad on their own, which is apparently cruel and traumatising. If it is that bad and they feel left out ir whatever, then that's down to him.

jannier · 08/08/2023 19:02

So you don't see them as part of your family just the OHs then. Does your oh take them out on fun days leaving your children home?
Feeling really sorry for them it's a bit Cinderella

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 08/08/2023 19:07

jannier · 08/08/2023 19:02

So you don't see them as part of your family just the OHs then. Does your oh take them out on fun days leaving your children home?
Feeling really sorry for them it's a bit Cinderella

Cinderella's dad was dead. This one is alive and kicking and has the ability to actually spend time with his kids and make sure they have fun and don't feel left out.

funinthesun19 · 08/08/2023 19:07

Does your oh take them out on fun days leaving your children home?

Maybe he does. And that’s fine. As long as it’s not for point scoring just because Op took her one child out. He needs to remember he’s dad to all 3 children. And also as long as he makes time for his youngest on his own too, as any parent would.

bladebladebla1 · 08/08/2023 19:07

I see both sides but for me, the bottom line is that I couldn't do that to the stepchildren, even if I was pissed off about it

phoenixrosehere · 08/08/2023 19:09

YANBU

Your parents arranged this for you and and their grandchildren that they don’t see often. This is a planned event that was pre-arranged and it would be unfair for them to include SCs they barely know or see when the plan was to spend time with their child and grandchildren.

Your DH should be able to parent his own children on his own especially at the age they’re at. There is no excuse for him not being able to parent a 9 and 11 yo alone and needing a chaperone. He could choose to do something else with them that day instead but he doesn’t want to and if it’s due to their behaviour, it’s on him and their mother to figure out a solution to get their children to behave better.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 08/08/2023 19:11

I bet my last penny that DH's sudden concern for his kids is more to do with the fact that he had to care for them on his own than their feelings.

Georgyporky · 08/08/2023 19:15

I wonder if DH does anything with his 3rd child? Alone, that is ?
Or is he just a useless incompetent tosspot ?

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 08/08/2023 19:21

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 08/08/2023 19:11

I bet my last penny that DH's sudden concern for his kids is more to do with the fact that he had to care for them on his own than their feelings.

phoenixrosehere · Today 19:09
YANBU

Your parents arranged this for you and and their grandchildren that they don’t see often. This is a planned event that was pre-arranged and it would be unfair for them to include SCs they barely know or see when the plan was to spend time with their child and grandchildren.

Your DH should be able to parent his own children on his own especially at the age they’re at. There is no excuse for him not being able to parent a 9 and 11 yo alone and needing a chaperone. He could choose to do something else with them that day instead but he doesn’t want to and if it’s due to their behaviour, it’s on him and their mother to figure out a solution to get their children to behave better.

All of this - fascinating how OP isn't allowed time with her parents and her sister that was pre-planned to accommodate three different households for a time when the step children weren't going to be there, but now that's changed, OP is supposed to cancel all these plans in order to make things easy for her husband the step-children's father..

So weird posters here expect OP to pick up the slack and not the children's actual father! It's one day only, not like it happens every week or even every month FGS. No one's being excluded, Op is meeting her parents and sister and husband is getting the opportunity for 1to1 time with his older children for ONE DAY ONLY.

Not exactly earth-shattering neglect by step-mum to step-children, is it?

phoenixrosehere · 08/08/2023 19:22

matchamate · 08/08/2023 18:58

I'm in a "nuclear" family and growing up there were times my elder sibling went on fun days out and I had to stay home. I am not damaged by this.

Same. My sister and I are 6/7 years apart. There were plenty of things that we did alone with a parent. My children are 5 and 8 and DH and I do things separately with them where one stays home with me and the other goes with DH.

gogomoto · 08/08/2023 19:24

Yabu, i could never not invite dsd. She often says no but I offer all the same

RedHelenB · 08/08/2023 19:27

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 08/08/2023 10:37

I think that is so tight.

You're going to an amusement park and you don't want them to come, even though their dad is willing to change his working hours to come along?

Surely the older kids will want to go different rides etc.

Can they not go off with their dad, rather than you outright banning them.

I couldn't comprehend doing this.

This

billy1966 · 08/08/2023 19:29

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 08/08/2023 19:11

I bet my last penny that DH's sudden concern for his kids is more to do with the fact that he had to care for them on his own than their feelings.

Of course it is.

Also @Gymnopedie's post about whether the OP was even consulted about this change of plans is on the money.

Lazy loser father.

I sincerely hope she had a lovely day with her child and her family, away from this lazy loser that sold her a pup.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 08/08/2023 19:31

SnowyPetals · 08/08/2023 15:22

I knew this would be a stepchildren one as soon as I saw the title. Poor kids being excluded.

Poor step family being lumbered with someone else's unruly kids and their lazy father.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/08/2023 19:32

Gymnopedie · 08/08/2023 12:59

So to all those saying how unfair it is to the SDCs.

Suppose the DH steps up, takes a day off and does something fun with his DCs. He wants some time with just them. He doesn't take the child he has with OP.

Would you:

Tell him how unfair that was, that he should take all the DCs, they're a blended family and the 5yo would like to spend some time with his siblings

OR

Support him all the way because it's right that the DCs have some quality 1-1 time with him and he's being a good father to them?

This, exactly. It is totally normal to split dcs by age for certain outings or even to get some 121 time with an individual child from a family with full siblings, so why is it so verboten for a blended family to do the same?

funinthesun19 · 08/08/2023 19:32

So weird posters here expect OP to pick up the slack and not the children's actual father! It's one day only, not like it happens every week or even every month FGS. No one's being excluded, Op is meeting her parents and sister and husband is getting the opportunity for 1to1 time with his older children for ONE DAY ONLY.

Not exactly earth-shattering neglect by step-mum to step-children, is it?

People complain and whinge and moan all the time on here about first children not getting time with their father. Here is the perfect opportunity for them to have it and it’s still not good enough because OP is off out doing something… without them.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/08/2023 19:36

bladebladebla1 · 08/08/2023 19:07

I see both sides but for me, the bottom line is that I couldn't do that to the stepchildren, even if I was pissed off about it

This is basically what I want to say too.

It is shit that their dad isn’t going to take the time off and work flexibly just to spend time with them by himself. Really shit.

But could you really walk out the door to a theme park - an activity if anything more suited to them than to a 5 yo - and wave to them say watching telly whilst their dad works?

Let him bring them but make it clear he does all the wrangling for them, and he takes them AND the 8 yo if he wants on the more exciting rides, whilst you have fun with your tiny on the younger rides.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/08/2023 19:38

But also make time to talk to him about how, if he can work flexibly, you expect him to do that on other occasions to spend time with all three kids by himself.

ludocris · 08/08/2023 19:40

SpainToday · 08/08/2023 18:25

ludocris · Today 18:13

I don't think it's anything to do with the dad being with them on their own. It's about excluding them from the group that includes their half-sibling and step-cousin.

Step-cousin?? Seriously?? That’s rather like the hairdresser’s neighbour’s vicar’s cousin!

🤨 all depends on how the family is set up. I know step-cousins who never mention the 'step' bit and just count each other full cousins. In fact this is the norm in my experience. In this case, if they never spend time together, maybe they won't consider themselves as such. Seems a shame for half siblings not to share cousins and grand-parents and aunts and uncles when they live together half the time but 🤷🏻‍♀️

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/08/2023 19:40

PPS Your husband does sound very shitty - no wonder his first wife left him!