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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite them on this day out

1000 replies

QueenBlue · 08/08/2023 10:03

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5.

They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it.

The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative.

DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child.

Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8.

My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

OP posts:
SpainToday · 08/08/2023 17:48

aSofaNearYou · 08/08/2023 17:46

Same. I'm really shocked at people not taking anything to do with their step kids and keeping them separate.

God it's exhausting having to explain why this is not at all shocking over and over again. Imagine a situation where your family live a distance away, as does DSC, who only visit EOW. They probably sleep in the same room when they come to stay with you. Why would you arrange for them all to visit at the same time? It's just not practical.

Plus, they see their dad so little anyway. Why would you spend it visiting their wife's family?

People aren't "keeping them separate", they just are separate, they live very different lives from their half siblings and only share one side of their family, and that is ok.

This is spot on. Could all non-step parents please read and digest.

ludocris · 08/08/2023 17:49

So odd that some people are suggesting it's the same as the SC's mum taking the OP's child out. I'm pretty sure you know what the difference is but if you don't, I'd be happy to provide you with a diagram or a brief PowerPoint presentation.

This shouldn't be about who has to take on the chore of looking after the SC. It should be about making them feel part of the family. It's miserable to frame them as a burden that the OP shouldn't have to put up with because it will spoil her perfect family day.

Bubop · 08/08/2023 17:51

It seems really mean to say they’re not welcome at an activity they’d enjoy as much as your own child. Especially as their dad would be going, it’s not as if he’s asked you to look after two more children.

Can’t you all go and just split off for a part of the day whilst they do the bigger rides?

SpainToday · 08/08/2023 17:51

aSofaNearYou · 08/08/2023 17:46

Because they're a blended family

Yes, something for which there is no one size fits all. So if it isn't a problem to the kids involved, why should it bother anyone else?

It’s rather like asking why my brothers kids don’t go on all the same outings as my sisters kids? They all do different activities at different times, just because they are related doesn’t mean they go everywhere in a f*ing minibus together.

ludocris · 08/08/2023 17:52

aSofaNearYou · 08/08/2023 17:46

Because they're a blended family

Yes, something for which there is no one size fits all. So if it isn't a problem to the kids involved, why should it bother anyone else?

Why are we assuming it's not a problem for the kids?

aSofaNearYou · 08/08/2023 17:54

Why are we assuming it's not a problem for the kids?

Well, I'm not assuming. But I do know that my experience of this situation is that it's not a problem for the kid. So clearly it isn't automatically a problem.

SpainToday · 08/08/2023 17:54

Why are we assuming it's not a problem for the kids?

There hasn’t been any suggestion that it would be a problem?

ludocris · 08/08/2023 17:55

@SpainToday if your brother and sister and all the kids happened to be in the same house together and your brother and his kids said 'right toodle pip, we're off to the funfair now!' it would be a little jarring for the kids I feel. Even more so if one of the children going were your step-sibling and one of the adults was your step-mum.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 08/08/2023 17:57

ludocris · 08/08/2023 17:49

So odd that some people are suggesting it's the same as the SC's mum taking the OP's child out. I'm pretty sure you know what the difference is but if you don't, I'd be happy to provide you with a diagram or a brief PowerPoint presentation.

This shouldn't be about who has to take on the chore of looking after the SC. It should be about making them feel part of the family. It's miserable to frame them as a burden that the OP shouldn't have to put up with because it will spoil her perfect family day.

Even so, in families sometimes you tag team and one child does something/goes somewhere and the others do something else.

funinthesun19 · 08/08/2023 17:57

Bubop · 08/08/2023 17:51

It seems really mean to say they’re not welcome at an activity they’d enjoy as much as your own child. Especially as their dad would be going, it’s not as if he’s asked you to look after two more children.

Can’t you all go and just split off for a part of the day whilst they do the bigger rides?

Yes he has asked this because he’s working and isn’t going. So he’s expecting her to take his children with her without him being there. It will be a different dynamic to the one she has planned, which isn’t fair.

ludocris · 08/08/2023 17:57

@aSofaNearYou @SpainToday so we're all just making assumptions and projecting our own experiences and preconceptions onto this situation then. Which doesn't really help.

Whatever the family dynamics, you take some kids from a household to a theme park and leave some out, it's going to cause bad feeling.

Cucucucu · 08/08/2023 17:58

I think it’s awful you didn’t think your SC would be upset . I think I would be upset if I was your husband too .
you obviously have been with your partner for a while if your child is 5 ( unless he is not his ? I’m unsure ) but if he has then you have been in those kids life’s for a very long time so your family had plenty of time to also adjust to them .
I find you cruel

SpainToday · 08/08/2023 17:58

ludocris · 08/08/2023 17:55

@SpainToday if your brother and sister and all the kids happened to be in the same house together and your brother and his kids said 'right toodle pip, we're off to the funfair now!' it would be a little jarring for the kids I feel. Even more so if one of the children going were your step-sibling and one of the adults was your step-mum.

Why can’t my brother take his kids off to do something and then my sister take hers off to do something too? That’s the most likely scenario.

What’s this fixation with togetherness?! Some people must have really big cars …..

ludocris · 08/08/2023 17:58

@funinthesun19 no, he's suggested that he go too.

Cucucucu · 08/08/2023 18:00

SpainToday · 08/08/2023 17:48

This is spot on. Could all non-step parents please read and digest.

Show quote history

Step parent here and my family only visits twice a year and there is no way me or tem would think it’s ok to leave them while going out for the day ! So do t make it sound like every step parent is this cold

Shylo · 08/08/2023 18:00

its the incredibly sad that having entered a relationship with a man who has children you don’t see those children as family but o suspect there is nothing we will say that will change your mind about what family constitutes at at this stage

I am exceptionally grateful that my children’s step mother does not feel the same way

ludocris · 08/08/2023 18:00

@SpainToday it's not really that avant-garde to suggest that people from the same family do things together is it?

SpainToday · 08/08/2023 18:01

ludocris · 08/08/2023 18:00

@SpainToday it's not really that avant-garde to suggest that people from the same family do things together is it?

My family are a very nice bunch but we’re not the Waltons.

Cucucucu · 08/08/2023 18:01

Shylo · 08/08/2023 18:00

its the incredibly sad that having entered a relationship with a man who has children you don’t see those children as family but o suspect there is nothing we will say that will change your mind about what family constitutes at at this stage

I am exceptionally grateful that my children’s step mother does not feel the same way

Im a step mum and I find it shocking ! Neither me or my parents would dream about doing something like this .

funinthesun19 · 08/08/2023 18:02

ludocris · 08/08/2023 17:58

@funinthesun19 no, he's suggested that he go too.

Yikes. How suffocating for OP.

Georgyporky · 08/08/2023 18:02

Sounds like Mum & Sis do not have a relationship with these children, why would they want to spend a day out with them?

Let DH do something with his own kids.

ludocris · 08/08/2023 18:04

Clearly not @SpainToday.

This thread makes me feel super glad for the children in my extended family who are the 'SC' in this scenario. They are treated no differently to other grandchildren/nieces/nephews and thank goodness for that.

ludocris · 08/08/2023 18:04

@funinthesun19 ouch.

Stompythedinosaur · 08/08/2023 18:05

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 08/08/2023 16:50

So you never ever did something with one kid while the other did something else?

Show quote history

I've never taken one sibling to an amusement park that the other wanted to go to and left them out, no. Is that something most people do? The step-kids are similar ages to some of the kids going, so I'm not sure the "different age" arguement works.

And I think there's an argument for taking more care in blended families of the feelings of the dc involved.

Cucucucu · 08/08/2023 18:09

Georgyporky · 08/08/2023 18:02

Sounds like Mum & Sis do not have a relationship with these children, why would they want to spend a day out with them?

Let DH do something with his own kids.

Because they are their daughter /sister family ? On normal healthy blended families this doesn’t happen ! There is no way my sister or parents would even think my SC would not be included if they were with us at the time . The assumption would be all family is coming .

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