to not invite them on this day out

[QueenBlue]

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5.

They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it.

The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative.

DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child.

Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8.

My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

Good name, that! Not nice for them to miss out on a day with OP's parents, sister etc - really? No mention of OP's child being invited out with SC's maternal family! Why one rule for her and not for SC's mum? OP's family don't live nearby so meet-ups are infrequent. She is allowed to have time with her family by herself. SC have a father, mother and two sets of relations not blood-related to OP.

How nice of them to pop in after a fun day out to say hello. I'm sure your SDCs will love to hear what a great day you've had without them.

They’ll only be hurt if people tell them to be hurt.

Exactly this.

Imagine this conversation instead.

"Hey guys , Jenny and Timmy are going out with her parents so I took the day off and thought we should go laser tag(or whatever other activity) and then we can hame some lunch . What do you think?"

I bet the kids would love to actually spend some time with just their father, have fun with him and be looked after by him.

She doesn’t share the house with them - they live with their mum. And the invitation was from her parents, for her and her sister, to have a day out so they can see their grandchildren. Why would they want two much older, badly behaved children to tag along when the day was planned for outside of their contact time ? And I’ll be a pound to a penny that the OP’s child has never been invited along to fun days planned with the SC’s maternal family, so why is it expected of the OP ?

Yes, I agree.

Well, several reasons for that - OP mentioned two hours distance, and sister has a young child. Op has a young child and two SC, finding a convenient date for everyone meeting up can be tricky.

First you find fault with OP wanting to see her family on her own, then you find fault for OP not seeing them often enough 😯

And you don't think it's a problem that your parents and sister hardly spend any time with your SC?

They barely spend any time with OP and her own child because they live far away.Even if that wasn't the case, why would it be?

They became your family too when you married their Dad.

You are being totally unreasonable, if your 5 year old was hard work would you leave him at home and just go with your parents & sister her kids? If you answer yes, then leave the SC behind, if you answer no, which I suspect you will, then you have your answer….take all your children!

Consequences. Consequences of his Disney Dad behaviour. By forcing you into the Bad Cop role, the one who has to enforce discipline and issue orders, he has made damn sure that you do ALL the actual parenting of his children. So you are perfectly entitled to push the parenting of his children back onto him, because frankly - he needs the practice.

And I'd be telling him that.

'No, you are not coming with us, you are going to spend time with your children today. You give them your full attention, like a proper father, and for today, you do not shirk your responsibilities to your children and push it on to me. Stay at home, take them out (anywhere but where I am going to be!) - whatever - YOU make the arrangements and YOU parent your children. I'll see you when I get back.'

They aren't all her children.

We can't leave our kids because they are ours.

And they are his kids. So he can deal with them.

They are not all her children. She has explained over and over, the circumstances - if you can’t be bothered to read the updates, why comment in ignorance ?

Exactly! And even if he has to work for some of the day, they’re still with just him. And then afterwards they can do something together.

Bit nope. Much more convenient for him to ship them off with OP. And OP is the bad guy??

Why is OP solely responsible for her husband's children? Where's your ire at him for not taking on a parent's role? OP has one child, husband has three. On one special occasion OP takes one child - hers - out to see said child's grandparents, who are not GP to husband's other two children, while husband's other two children stay with husband - who is their FATHER. What's the problem

Yes, I am female and I am a grandmother. The last line was somewhat tongue in cheek but I meant the rest of it. Everyone's so fixated on the SC's feelings, apparently because they are STEP children and therefore congenitally disadvantaged, they forget the other people in this scenario, some of whom may have a right to their opinion too. Especially the person who's organised and paid for the outing in the first place.

I think it's bloody harsh. Maybe if they were older teens, but they are kids! How would you feel if some of your family went on a fun day out and you had to stay home 😔

For the record, I am a stepmother too. I understand you might have issues with them dominating etc. But it's still really unfair and a great way to make your stepchildren dislike you.

If she was referring to her family in the context of a conversation about the family he was born into, nobody would think it wrong of her to use the term, 'my family'. She means the family she was born into. It's ok to marry someone and not take on full responsibility of parenting their children, especially if they have a family home with their other parent. Presumably the OP's child doesn't join the SC's when they go to their mothers family outings? So it seems fair and equal to do this in a blended family.

And here's another ,very important point. If they were her kids, if they were family, then she'd have a lot more control on how they were raised,how to discipline them etc. she would be allowed to set boundaries and consequences, rather than watch the Disney parenting... because she's not their mother.

She could tell them that if they misbehaved they're going straight back home, she could give warnings and consequences. And if it still went tits up she could follow through.

You (and their father) can't have it both ways. It can't be all responsibilities with no rights.

Let's look on the bright side. OP might get smart and dump the useless father, in which case her relationship with his offspring going forward is not really an issue.

I used to take my DC out in relays as they could be a handful in a pack. One or, rarely, two at a time up to London etc. Tried to make sure they all got an outing of approximately equal interest over the course of a year, sort of thing. Apart from making it easier on me it also gave them a break from constant picking at each other! We did all go out together if XH came along too, as he had The Voice which instantly stopped squabbling in its tracks, and would even sometimes actually use it. However he wasn't keen on going places, and particularly not keen on visiting any of my family. (For full disclosure, neither of us had any step-children.)

*They became your family too when you married their Dad.

You are being totally unreasonable, if your 5 year old was hard work would you leave him at home and just go with your parents & sister her kids? If you answer yes, then leave the SC behind, if you answer no, which I suspect you will, then you have your answer….take all your children!*

They are her family but they are not her children. This is an important distinction. She is not responsible for them in the same way.

Same. I'm really shocked at people not taking anything to do with their step kids and keeping them separate.

Because they're a blended family?

Same. I'm really shocked at people not taking anything to do with their step kids and keeping them separate.

God it's exhausting having to explain why this is not at all shocking over and over again. Imagine a situation where your family live a distance away, as does DSC, who only visit EOW. They probably sleep in the same room when they come to stay with you. Why would you arrange for them all to visit at the same time? It's just not practical.

Plus, they see their dad so little anyway. Why would you spend it visiting their wife's family?

People aren't "keeping them separate", they just are separate, they live very different lives from their half siblings and only share one side of their family, and that is ok.

Yea not fused at the hip.

And you don't think it's a problem that your parents and sister hardly spend any time with your SC?

My parents and my sibling barely know my stepson. I live with DH, and my parents, sibling and DSS all live at different addresses (obviously) so their paths rarely crossed. There’s no bad blood, they’re just from different sides of the family. Rather like my uncles don’t routinely mix with DH’s uncles (and no one seems to question that)!

Because they're a blended family

Yes, something for which there is no one size fits all. So if it isn't a problem to the kids involved, why should it bother anyone else?