Page 13 | to not invite them on this day out

QueenBlue · 2023-08-08T09:03:58+00:00

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5. They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it. The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative. DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child. Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8. My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

Backstreets · 08/08/2023 16:11

Honestly… YANBU. I hardly think it’s unfair for GP to treat GC and not their SS. They’ve got their own maternal GP whose treats your child don’t get to partake in, surely?

Timing’s rotten but it’s DH’s kids to entertain.

SerafinasGoose · 08/08/2023 16:13

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 08/08/2023 15:12

BeeDavis · Today 14:36

Can’t have much sympathy for you moaning about your husband when you clearly knew how crap he was with his first 2 kids. You then had the bright idea of bringing another one into the mix!! Well done you. Women should just stop marrying men with children if they aren’t going to class them as family. Sick of seeing threads like this, the only ones I feel sorry for at the bloody kids stuck in the middle of it all!

No clearly about it - presumably when OP first met her now DH, she would have only seen the disney dad behaviour. How would she have known otherwise until she married him? Different story if she moved in before marriage and then had time to see it, but maybe he hid it well until he had her hooked..

And here it is, Rule of Misogyny #1 (on a site for women, depressingly, yet again).

'Women are responsible for what men do'.

funinthesun19 · 08/08/2023 16:13

BodegaSushi · 08/08/2023 15:58

Never see these threads. Always the opposite. Women being supported for being petty because they chose to marry a man with children.

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There are loads of threads featuring CF parents who want the stepmum to do them favours or do as she’s told to suit them. Absolutely loads. And it’s not just the dads who are CFs, there are so many mums too who think nothing about expecting a favour from their children’s stepmum.

And they and their cheerleaders frame it as “Think of the children…”

This thread is definitely one of them. The dad arranges to have his kids which happens to be on a day that the stepmum has plans of her own, and he expects her to just include his kids in the plans.

“Think of the children. Apart from your DS. He doesn’t need you to think about him. His parents are still together. Stay at home and see your stepchildren instead. Think of them.”

Or, the dad could think about his kids and entertain them for the day.

SerafinasGoose · 08/08/2023 16:15

Anniegetyourgun · 08/08/2023 15:35

Well, as a grandmother, I would be miffed if I had organised a day out for two of my DC and GDC, only to be told that one of their spouses had invited themselves and their own offspring along. For one thing, I would somewhat struggle to pay for 3 extra guests. For another thing, if I were then to discover that the SC were squabbling terrors (to be fair my own DC had form at that age) and, more to the point, that their parent was going to leave it to the rest of us to sort out, I'd be tempted to call the whole thing off. Won't somebody think of the old lady?

You're female.

You're jesting, aren't you?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 08/08/2023 16:19

Sugarfree23 · 08/08/2023 15:27

Because her going and leaving two kids she shares a house with is fucking cruel.

They didn't ask to be come half siblings to Ops child.

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They have their own extended family - perhaps grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins - to do special things with; do all of those family members of the SC think to invite OP's DC on every single occasion?

Enfys1982 · 08/08/2023 16:20

Why the fuck did you marry a man with kids if you were going to see them as a burden? Which you clearly do BTW. They come as a package.

Sugarfree23 · 08/08/2023 16:22

funinthesun19 · 08/08/2023 15:49

Totally BATSHIT comment.

Why tf would OP want to stay at home with her Dh and his children over a lovely day out with her DS and her relatives who she doesn’t see very often? Her relatives will be looking forward to seeing her and vice versa, and she will be looking forward to having some fun with her DS and seeing him happy.

Her DH is working from home anyway. So she’d be staying at home as his babysitter. Yayyyy…

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Think how hurt the two SC would be, step-mum and siblings fuck off for the day and don't take them. Thats just nasty.

They didn't chose to be in the situation, Op did.

ludocris · 08/08/2023 16:23

YABU. Not nice for your SC to miss out on this trip. Also not nice for them to miss out on a day with your parents and sister and their step-cousin.

aSofaNearYou · 08/08/2023 16:25

Think how hurt the two SC would be, step-mum and siblings fuck off for the day and don't take them. Thats just nasty.

But why is it ok for the GC to go but not OP? That's the part that makes no sense. Surely if there is a problem with this, it is that the kids are having different experiences? You surely wouldn't think it was cruel if she went out alone? It just seems a random stick to beat OP with because you don't like the idea of her not making unnecessary sacrifices.

ludocris · 08/08/2023 16:26

QueenBlue · 08/08/2023 11:06

And quite honestly, to me, whilst SC are part of my immediate family, this day isn't about that. It's a chance for my child and their cousin to spend time with their grandparents and aunts. My parents don't spend much time with SC, my sister has rarely met them at all. So no, for the purpose of this day with my extended family I don't class it as a family day out inc SC. If it were just me, DH and DC going fair enough but its not supposed to be that. Its supposed to be a treat for my parents grandkids.

And you don't think it's a problem that your parents and sister hardly spend any time with your SC?

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 08/08/2023 16:28

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 08/08/2023 15:30

She doesn't share the house with them except on visitng days, they live with their mother. Does their mother ever invite OP's child - their half-sibling - out on excursions with her family?

Father to the children should look after his own children, not OP's responsibility 100% of the time - she does it 90% of their time when they visit their dad, she's allowed time off. AND allowed to expect DH would do his share with HIS children.

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This point dawned on me earlier - glad someone else recognised it. If the OP’s child was routinely included in the SC’s days out with their own maternal family, that would put a different perspective on things, but I get the impression that this isn’t the case. Wouldn’t excuse the bad behaviour or lack of parenting from DH though.

ihadamarveloustime · 08/08/2023 16:32

frazzledasarock · 08/08/2023 15:17

The dad could take his kids to the same theme park. He could do it all and arrange to meet with OP at the end of the day or for lunch. The older kids won’t want to do the same ride as the little one anyway.

the H chooses not to. He doesn’t want to buy tickets for his children, and organise his children and take his to the theme park, he doesn’t want to supervise his children all day he doesn’t want to parent his children.

he wants OP to do it all, so he can go along and have fun, and palm his kids off on OP & her family.

let’s face it, if the bio dad wanted to take his kids to a theme park chances are OP wouldn’t even know he’s there if he chose to take his kids there regardless.

Yep

ihadamarveloustime · 08/08/2023 16:33

Sugarfree23 · 08/08/2023 15:27

Because her going and leaving two kids she shares a house with is fucking cruel.

They didn't ask to be come half siblings to Ops child.

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She's not leaving 2 kids behind. They're not hers. Her husband, their father, is refusing to take them out by himself. That's 100% on him. I'm sure they'd love a day with their father.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 08/08/2023 16:37

@Sugarfree23 because ALL only involves the father to pay for himself and the kids (if that) as effort. He doesn't deal with their behaviour and he expects OP to pick up the slack in looking after them. Probably why he's insisting on this now. They were not supposed to be with him, now they are and he can't be arsed to look after them on his own. Or take them out somewhere fun on his own.

Do you really believe they would cry themselves to sleep tonight because OP and the little one went out with HER parents if their dad took them cinema/bowling/trampoline park/mini golf/another theme park etc.?

What you have is a man incapable or unwilling to look after his own kids to make sure they're happy and entertained and expecting his wife and her family to do that for them.

And somehow it's HER fault?

WingingItEveryDay7 · 08/08/2023 16:37

If I've read this right, OP didn't arrange this day out, it's a treat arranged by her parents for a day the SC wouldn't have normally visited.

Can't believe some of the comments by PP putting all the blame on the stepmum as per usual. Why can't their dad, who I assume is a fully grown adult, organise something and spend quality time with just his children?

I come from a 'broken/blended' home and and actually hated being dragged out and about with everyone when all I wanted to do was see my dad. I would hazard a good guess his kids would love to have dad to themselves for the day occasionally too.....

OP, I really hope you get to enjoy the day with your family. He needs to just grow a pair and be a parent to his kids for the day! x

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 08/08/2023 16:39

ludocris · 08/08/2023 16:23

YABU. Not nice for your SC to miss out on this trip. Also not nice for them to miss out on a day with your parents and sister and their step-cousin.

They weren't even supposed the be there to begin with. It was all booked in advance. Now they are and their father is responsible for them and their fun. He just wants to pass the buck.

funinthesun19 · 08/08/2023 16:41

Think how hurt the two SC would be, step-mum and siblings fuck off for the day and don't take them. Thats just nasty.

They’ll only be hurt if people tell them to be hurt. If I was the dad I would be telling my DC that the stepmum has some plans she made a long time ago with her relatives, and that we don’t always have to do the same things as other people all the time.

I’d also say we will all go out together all of us when I’m off work.

And I’d make some fucking effort to entertain them myself for the day. They might even like a day with their dad on his own, even if it is at home and he’s working. When he finishes they can go out together then for an evening. A nice meal out together or an evening play on the park. Cinema trip.

People on here are always going on about how first children need alone time with their father. They get the opportunity to have that and it’s still not good enough! It only applies if the stepmum and her dc aren’t out doing something themselves. 🙄

Stompythedinosaur · 08/08/2023 16:42

I think that the siblings should be treated with parity while they are at your house. Taking one sibling and leaving the other two out of a big treat is horrible and damaging.

Ultimately, you entered a blended family, deciding now to treat your stepchildren like second class children is unreasonable.

funinthesun19 · 08/08/2023 16:47

Also I’d have some respect for my wife and her time. And the plans that she has arranged in her time. And respect for the relationship she has with her family and their time together.

I wouldn’t just trample all over that by arranging to have my kids and then saying, “You take them.” What he’s doing makes him a shit dad and a shit husband. He’s not a good dad for behaving like he is.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 08/08/2023 16:48

WingingItEveryDay7 · 08/08/2023 16:37

If I've read this right, OP didn't arrange this day out, it's a treat arranged by her parents for a day the SC wouldn't have normally visited.

Can't believe some of the comments by PP putting all the blame on the stepmum as per usual. Why can't their dad, who I assume is a fully grown adult, organise something and spend quality time with just his children?

I come from a 'broken/blended' home and and actually hated being dragged out and about with everyone when all I wanted to do was see my dad. I would hazard a good guess his kids would love to have dad to themselves for the day occasionally too.....

OP, I really hope you get to enjoy the day with your family. He needs to just grow a pair and be a parent to his kids for the day! x

Exactly this on all counts.

If their dad would plan and execute an outing with just them, they'd be over the moon.

He just wants someone else do to the work while he takes the credit.

lanthanum · 08/08/2023 16:48

It would be rotten to leave the stepkids out, but I can also see why you'd rather see the family without.

Nine is a big group to keep together in an amusement park, and the older kids are going to want to do different things to the 5 year old. There will end up being compromises and waiting around for rides not everyone can go on.

So take the line of the group being too big, rather than not wanting the step-children. Your husband could come along with the step-children, but with the understanding that once you get there, you split into two groups, him taking the older kids off to do what they want to, and meet up again towards the end of the day. The awkward thing might be if the 8 year old would prefer to go with the 9/11 year old than the 5 year old, so you might need to work out an excuse in advance why he can't. (If you're lucky, he'd rather stay with parents anyway, or the height restrictions work out right!)

HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 08/08/2023 16:48

Stompythedinosaur · 08/08/2023 16:42

I think that the siblings should be treated with parity while they are at your house. Taking one sibling and leaving the other two out of a big treat is horrible and damaging.

Ultimately, you entered a blended family, deciding now to treat your stepchildren like second class children is unreasonable.

You sound like one of those people that brings uninvited siblings to birthday parties.

It is ok for a parent to do something with 1 child only. Particularly when that child is much younger (or older) than other children.

You'd do it in a non blended family, not drag teenagers round pepper pig world, not take a 5 year old to an older movie. It's ok to do it in a blended family too.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/08/2023 16:49

lanthanum · 08/08/2023 16:48

It would be rotten to leave the stepkids out, but I can also see why you'd rather see the family without.

Nine is a big group to keep together in an amusement park, and the older kids are going to want to do different things to the 5 year old. There will end up being compromises and waiting around for rides not everyone can go on.

So take the line of the group being too big, rather than not wanting the step-children. Your husband could come along with the step-children, but with the understanding that once you get there, you split into two groups, him taking the older kids off to do what they want to, and meet up again towards the end of the day. The awkward thing might be if the 8 year old would prefer to go with the 9/11 year old than the 5 year old, so you might need to work out an excuse in advance why he can't. (If you're lucky, he'd rather stay with parents anyway, or the height restrictions work out right!)

with the understanding that once you get there, you split into two groups, him taking the older kids off to do what they want to

Except the fact the Op has said her husband won’t do that…

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 08/08/2023 16:50

Stompythedinosaur · 08/08/2023 16:42

I think that the siblings should be treated with parity while they are at your house. Taking one sibling and leaving the other two out of a big treat is horrible and damaging.

Ultimately, you entered a blended family, deciding now to treat your stepchildren like second class children is unreasonable.

So you never ever did something with one kid while the other did something else?

aSofaNearYou · 08/08/2023 16:53

And you don't think it's a problem that your parents and sister hardly spend any time with your SC?

Why should it be?